Our #ADHD brains are wired for context.

We do well when we know our role.
When we know where we stand.
When we know how the other person feels.

A funny thing happens when we don't have enough context. We fill in the context ourselves, like a game of Contextual Mad-Libs. /1
To illustrate my point, let's look at the client of mine who coined the term "Contextual Mad-Libs" in a session yesterday.

Some relevant context (see what I did there?):

The project management tool that this client's employer uses allows for comment threads under posts. /2
This client arrived to our session this week curious about his reaction to a comment a coworker made on a post of his.

The tl;dr was this: Coworker wanted to make sure that my client was considering the impact of his proposed plan of action on her area of work. /3
My client's initial reaction was to enter what I call the "defensive crouch".

Us ADHD people are so used to receiving negative messages from others that, in the absence of context, preparing to defend ourselves becomes a sort of default response. /4
Somewhere after drafting a response to this comment from his defensive crouch and before sending said response, my client became aware that this situation did not require him to defend himself.

Which begged the question he brought to coaching: Why did I react this way? /5
It starts with this simple fact:

Text-based communication is HELL for brains that want context.

So much context is lost in text. There is no tone. No body language. No sense of where this comment is coming from. No opportunity to clarify (and get more context). /6
So here is my client reading this comment with a lot of missing context. Guess what happens next?

Contextual Mad-Libs. /7
You see, this client was previously fired, without warning, from a job he thought he loved at the time.

ADHD had an impact there.

BUT, there were bigger impacts at play that ultimately lead to my client's dismissal. /8
In his previous role, my client was held to very high expectations while being denied the resources he needed to meet those expectations.

Furthermore, he was not respected or valued as a subject matter expert. Everything he did was called into question. /9
This situation culminated not only in my client being dismissed without warning...

...but in his direct supervisor telling him that he should find a new line of work.

If you have ADHD, I don't need to explain what this did to my client. You already know. /10
So, back to the situation at hand.

My client is objectively *very* skilled in his chosen line of work. He can do incredible things when he has the resources and agency to do so...

... AND he is being given those things in his new role. /11
Yet in the absence of context, he filled in the blanks with his old context Mad-Libs style.

Does she think that I didn't consider the impact on her work?

That I don't know what I'm doing?

Is this some sort of strike against me?

Is the other shoe is about to drop? /12
Mad-Libs are fun because they are nonsensical and everyone is in on the game.

Contextual Mad-Libs are not fun because they are nonsensical and WE OURSELVES as ADHD people often don't realize we are doing it. /13
So this is the point in the thread where I usually talk about the big AH-HA moment my client had.

Funnily enough, the most important thing happened before the session.

Remember that reply that my client drafted but did not send? /14
My client did something that @coachcamg and I like to call: Pause. Disrupt. Pivot.

The Pause: Even though my client lacked clarity about why he reacted the way that he did, he was able to recognize in the moment of action that defensiveness was not the right response. /15
The Disrupt: My client did not send the drafted response.

The Pivot: My client drafted a new response that addressed what was being asked without defensive language. /16
Pause. Disrupt. Pivot.

This is how we start to have a different experience with Contextual Mad-Libs.

When we do this, we have a different experience.

We talk about exposure to new experiences a lot on @translatingadhd, and for good reason. /17
That different experience is useful context the next time we are faced with a similar situation where we start playing Contextual Mad-Libs.

A number of new experiences over time starts to change how we respond in the first place. /18
If you often find yourself playing Contextual Mad-Libs, our @translatingadhd REBEL model is a useful model for changing your experience.

Here's the first of the seven-episode REBEL series:

translatingadhd.com/2021/02/08/an-… /19

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More from @coachshellyc

22 Jun
As #ADHD people, we start receiving negative messages from a very young age. Over time, we start learning to brace ourselves for facing another thing that is our fault, our problem, our dilemma.

The inherent problem is that we get really good at taking on blame, *period*. /1
We start to become blame sponges. We absorb blame and assume fault in situations where we have no ability to affect change.

My partner is stressed? Must be my fault.
My coworker is upset? Must be my fault.
A project I was collaborating on failed? Must be my fault. /2
Because this blame-sponging leads us to believe every conflict is our fault, we take on the responsibility of avoiding conflict and perceived blame.

We try to anticipate the needs of the people around us. To plan for every contingency. To anticipate every problem. /3
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