RC deWinter Profile picture
Feb 28 4 tweets 1 min read
Intending to make a strong statement about his administration a #Republican governor who shall remain nameless - take your pick, it fits so many – drew on an allegory during his speech.
"A father wanted to teach a lesson to his three sons. He called them to the barn and gave them each a 100$ bill and asked them to buy something with it that could fill the whole room.

The first bought $ 100 with of hay, but it wasn't enough to fill the barn.
The second bought $100 worth of cotton, but that wasn't enough either.

The third bought $5 worth of candles and lit them, filling the barn with light.

My administration is like the third son, thrifty and efficient, illuminating the state with the light of progress.”
As he sat down to thunderous applause from his party peers, a member of the the Democratic opposition said:
“All that is rather swell. But what happened to the $95 left over?”

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More from @RCdeWinter

Mar 1
A bus stopped in Brooklyn and 2 Italian men got on.
They sat down and engaged in an animated conversation.
An old lady who was sitting next to them ignored them at first, she was galvanized when she heard one of them say the following:
“Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.”
“You foul-mouthed, sex obsessed swine,” retorted the old lady indignantly.
“In this country. we don’t speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.” (Aside: She must live under a rock, how could you miss #Trump?)
Read 4 tweets
Mar 1
How many Tweeple does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

17 purists who use candles and are offended by light bulb discussions.

6 to argue over whether it's 'lightbulb' or 'light bulb.'

Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid.

22 to tell THOSE 6 to stop being jerks.
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is 'lamp.'

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that 'light bulb' is perfectly correct.

49 to post memes and gifs (several are of Donald Trump eating popcorn).
Read 8 tweets
Mar 1
Abe and Esther were flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.
Suddenly the Captain announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m afraid I have some very bad news.”
“Our engines have ceased functioning and we’ll attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and may have to live on the island for the rest of our lives.”
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew the plane landed safely on the island. Sometime later Abe asked his wife, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?" "No, sweetheart," she said. Then Abe asked, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"
Read 5 tweets
Mar 1
A man died and later woke up in a large, sparse room. He looked around to see if he was in heaven or hell, but couldn’t tell. The only things in the room were a TV, a sofa & another man sitting on the sofa watching TV. He walked over, said hello & asked "Is this heaven or hell?"
The other man said, "I don't know, but there are no windows, no doors, and no way out."

"So this is hell?"

The other man said, "I don't know, but there's a place to sit and a TV."

"So this is heaven?"
The other man said, "Well, there's only one channel."
"So it's hell, then?"

The other man said, "The channel is coming in loud and clear, it's a PBS station."

"So it's heaven?"
Read 4 tweets
Mar 1
#poetry

the casting of the die

your beautiful face
caught forever in the soulless pixels
we still call photographs
looks out at me with a gentle
almost pleading smile
despite all the lives you’d lived
looking death in the eye
in every hellhole of the world
when you imagined me behind that lens
your lips trembled
eyes holding me
in the gaze of a man who for the first time
knew the recklessness of love
the surrender of the self
body and soul
to another
with no thought for anything
but the necessity of us
Read 7 tweets
Feb 28
Pyotr is a poor serf in Tsarist Russia. Tilling his field one day he unearthed a lamp. As be rubbed off the dirt a genie flew out and in a great booming voice said, "Pyort Petrovich, you have freed me! Fortunate you are, for I shall grant you any wish your heart desires!"
Pyotr thought a moment and said, "No, I do not want anything."
The genie said, "But I could grant you chests upon chests of treasure and gold."
"No, the landlord would just take it all and have me beaten for hiding it from him,” replied Pyotr.
"Then I will give you the most beautiful woman in the world as your wife,” offered the genie.

"No, no. My Masha, God rest her soul, was the most beautiful woman to me. She cannot be replaced, and a beautiful woman could not live here in the mud."
Read 6 tweets

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