RC deWinter Profile picture
Nov 5 4 tweets 1 min read
High ranking #GOP politicians visited a school. They went over the expenses and decided to make adjustments to cut costs.
"The lunch portions are too big. Cut them in half. Internet connection too fast. Too many computers."
After that they went to a preschool. Again, they felt the expenses were too great.
"The lunch portions are too big. Reduce them by half. Too many toys."
After the preschool they went to a prison.
"The lunch portions are too small and the selection is too limited. Get faster broadband and more comfortable beds. TVs are too old. Get a few consoles as well."
One of them said to the head of the delegation:
“Are you mad? We just cut costs in schools and preschools and now you do this?”
“My friend,” said the shithead in chief, “we’ll never go to school or preschool again. But we can still easily end up here.”

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More from @RCdeWinter

Nov 5
Three gentlemen were hired to reduce the usage of drugs at school.
Each one was free to choose their own method, as long as it served their cause.
Three months later, the men had a meeting to discuss the effectiveness if their campaign, rheir progress so far and future plans. The first man stood up and said:
"During these three months, I convinced 100 middle school and high school students to never do drugs in their lives.
“And how did you do that?" asked the second man.

The other replied, “Well, I went into the classroom and drew a big and a small circle. I then told them that the big circle was their brain before drugs and the small circle would be their brain after drugs."
Read 8 tweets
Nov 5
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?
Signed, Desperate
Read 8 tweets
Nov 5
An elderly woman & her husband got pulled over by the cops for speeding near Lexington, Kentucky
Officer: “ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?”

Wife: “WHAT’D HE SAY??”
Husband: “HE ASKED IF YOU KNOW WHY HE PULLED YOU OVER!!”
Wife to cop: “OH. No!”
Officer: “Well, ma’am, you were going well over the speed limit.”
Wife to husband: “WHAT’D HE SAY??”
Husband: : “HE SAID YOU WERE SPEEDING LIKE A BAT OUTTA HELL!”
Wife: “Ohhhh….”
Officer: “Ma’am can I see your license please?”
Wife to husband: “WHAT’D HE SAY??”
HUSBAND: “HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR DRIVER’S LICENSE!”
Read 5 tweets
Nov 5
Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'
And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me.
Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.'

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
Read 10 tweets
Nov 5
The Pope was visiting the U.S. and had spent a busy day in D.C. addressing the U.S. Congress and meeting with top political and religious figures. Afterwards, his chauffeur took him for an evening tour of some of the city’s beautiful monuments.
At the end of the evening the chauffeur asked the Pope if there was anything else he would like to see or do.

The Pope thought for a minute and then replied “Yes, there is something I would love to do!”
“When I was a younger man I loved to drive car but I haven’t had the opportunity to do that for a long time. I wonder, would you allow me to drive back to my hotel?” The chauffeur agreed & they changed places, the Pope in to the driver’s seat, the chauffeur in the back.
Read 7 tweets
Nov 5
If someone in a Home Depot store
Offers you assistance and they don't work there,
You may live in Canada .

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time,
You may live in Canada .
If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation
With someone who dialed a wrong number,
You may live in Canada .

If 'Vacation' means going anywhere
South of Kelowna for the weekend,
You may live in Canada .
If you measure distance in hours,
You may live in Canada .

If you know several people
Who have hit a deer more than once,
You may live in Canada .

If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C'
In the same day and back again,
You may live in Canada .
Read 8 tweets

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