Discover and read the best of Twitter Threads about #JosiahsThreads

Most recents (21)

Put 8 monkeys in a room. In the middle of the room is a ladder, leading to a bunch of bananas hanging from a hook on the ceiling. Each time a monkey tries to climb the ladder, all the monkeys are sprayed with ice water, which makes them miserable.

Soon enough, whenever a monkey attempts to climb the ladder, all of the other monkeys, not wanting to be sprayed on, set upon him and beat him up. Soon, none of the eight monkeys ever attempts to climb the ladder.
One of the original monkeys is then removed, and a new monkey is put in the room. Seeing the bananas and the ladder, he wonders why none of the other monkeys are doing the obvious. But undaunted, he immediately begins to climb the ladder.
Read 17 tweets
That night, I was drunk and needed something to calm me down. Anytime I'm like this, only intense love making would save me so that night on my way, I branched off at Flour Mills where I picked up the delectably looking Vanessa...

Thead #JosiahsThreads
It was the best night of my life. The love making was so intense that by morning I paid her twice what she asked for. As she walked away, I felt excited that for the rest of the day I was very productive. But one thing kept happening, I couldn't go 1hr without thinking of Vanessa
I thought to myself, maybe it's bcos I've not slept with a woman for a while so the feeling was basically that of konji but the feeling was unchanged for the next 3days that I decided to visit Flour mills again to look for she wasn't there.
Read 22 tweets
When they said the devil gives you one and takes 100 from you it sounds like a fairy tale until brother Michael shared his personal experience when his son was sick...

Issa thread #JosiahsThreads #ThreadedTales #AskJosh
Bro Michael has been in this church for more than 15years, as a matter of concern I met him in this church when I joined 15years ago and he is also the deacon in charge of new converts. A respected man with many accolades I can't begin to mention. Even pastors fear him.
Pastors that are transferred to our branch always have a meeting with him before a meeting with the church executives bcos he's loved by all and have their loyalty. He commands such respect that pastors rely on him to keep the church together in trying times.
Read 32 tweets
This is a short story of WHY MY FIRST MARRIAGE DIDN'T WORK.

i just moved into my new 3bedroom apartment in preparation for a new family... I got back from office that afternoon to pick up a file & I met my future sister in-law on my bed laidis 👇👇

Issa thread #JosiahsThreads
I told my fiance that I was moving and needed her to come fix the house the way she wanted it to be but since we decided not to see each other 3months to the wedding till after the wedding, she sent her younger sister; who just got into Nigeria and is an interior decor expert.
I waited for one whole week but this sister didn't show up until it was just 2weeks to the wedding. She came with the body of a goddess and giving me ideas on losing my virginity before my wedding but I have PhD in self control hence I didn't misbehave.
Read 19 tweets
This is the short story of how my landlord discovered his only male child belongs to the gateman. Really, I always thought that his wife (very beautiful woman laidis) was too classy. She barely answers greetings and she's super snubbish.

Issa thread #JosiahsThreads
The first day I moved into the compound, she was the first thing/person I noticed. Our compound is demarcated but there's a linking gate. That day, I went to the landlord's part of the house to collect my receipt when I saw her outside sitting laidis👇👇👇
I felt a little jiggle wiggle down there but I had to compose myself. That day she insulted and maltreated the gateman so badly that the small crush I had developing for her was immediately crushed. But truthfully, she's dammmmmmmmmmmmmn fine.
Read 23 tweets
I lied to my ex that I was traveling to Abuja for a job, I got to the hotel the sugar mummy paid for only for me to open the door and find my ex, her mum and her aunt seated on the bed. The events of that day are always fresh.
we had been together for 2years & a 3months and the relationship had gotten to that point where we barely even have good conversations. we could be together and still be very much apart. Last time I visited a friend in Abj he told me of how he's making money from sugar mummies.
That week we had a terrible quarrel so I told my friend I would be coming over to Abuja for a few days and he quickly chipped it in that lemme just use the opportunity and make some money. That one of his clients saw my pic on his phone and wanted to have me
Read 25 tweets
It was a champions league match day so we took a stroll to madam Chichi's bar where we could get chilled drinks, roasted chicken & nicely roasted boli...

As she bent down to pick out my selected pieces, her left nipple slipped out...

Issa thread #JosiahsThreads
I've never loved going out to watch football matches because of all the things that happen amongst football fans at the viewing center. Jude convinced me this time that watching match at the viewing center was the best, adding the fact that madam Chichi's boli is to die for
I had tasted the said boli severally bcos Jude always bought for me whenever he went to watch a match. So this day I decided to go and see for myself & have a firsthand experience of the sweet boli from the delectable madam Chichi
Read 23 tweets
I have had the worse experiences of my life relationship wise and I was resolute to let relationship be. As a matter of fact, I decided I would never have anything to do with any woman again.

Betty was so pushy that I was scared but...

Issa thread #JosiahsThreads
After 4 failed relationships with all my partners cheating on me and leaving me because I was a gentle man, I eventually met Derinsola during a vacation visit to the Bahamas. Being that I love them thick , the click was sleek. Somehow she feel for me aswell
Derin was the woman of my dreams beyond her gorgeous body, she was caring and super sweet. I was certain we're the dream couple bcos even the devil could see we were inseparable. I thought after the vacation we would break off but we only got stronger & better together.
Read 21 tweets
"If you have faith, nothing can move you, no power wether physical or spiritual can scare you" were the last words that came out of Pst Tunde's mouth when heard "poh poh poh kpa kpa kpu kpu" sound of guns in the terbernacle...

Issa thread #JosiahsThreads
Everybody just went down even before being instructed to do so; the shocking part was that Pst Tunde within this few seconds had emptied his pockets, lying face down & begging that his life be spared.
Pst Tunde is famous for his teachings on faith as a dogged preacher. We've heard so much about him that we even heard he's been shot several times but the bullet didn't penetrate his skin. We even heard he used faith to driver a car with empty tank from Abuja to calabar
Read 10 tweets
The job offer came with a fat 6 digits salary, official house, official car & a paid house help service. I didn't even bother giving it a second thought before I boarded the bus from Calabar to Abuja... I was frustrated when John Said he's traveled

Issa thread #JosiahsThreads
Having been jobless for 6 years, the mouth watering offer that came with the job took away my sense of reasoning. I didn't even bother to call John & inform him I would be staying at his place for the period of the job interview process.
I guess my subconscious mind calculated that since John has never gotten a leave time from work since he started 8 years ago he wasn't going to be getting one now that I was coming.
Read 36 tweets
I sat in the examination halls with my eyes pacing about & my heart praying. I looked at my watch & discovered the 7hrs I calculated in my head was just 13mins.

I concluded it was over for me & I'm getting an extra year until...

Issa thread #JosiahsThreads
Well I attended an expensive private scho close to the house from my kindergarten days up to my primary school. So far amongst the 8 students I always came first undisputed & everyone was sure I was intelligent except my cousin sister who called me local champion.
She always told my dad that I'm just enjoying the privilege of no competition that if I was sent to a public school I would be beaten hands down 😂😂😂😂

It always sounded funny & unbelievable until one day I got angry & made my dad consider her appeal.
Read 24 tweets
Janet was a thorn in my life throughout my secondary school days. She was big, ugly & strong. I always imagined how I would deal with her but it all ended in imaginations until I saw her 10 years later looking like freshly baked pie👅👅

Issa thread #JosiahsThreads
I transferred to the school from my other school bcos of the same bullying issue. The girl at my other school was bullying me bcos I asked her friend out & didn't ask her out. I had hoped this transfer would be my redemption bcos the lies I told for my dad to transfer me was deep
So when I arrived at this new school, I decided to keep away from girls & mind my business. But being intelligent was the only thing wrong I did. All the girls were attracted to me while I was just doing my thing. Anytime I tried to get my freak on with any of them
Read 31 tweets
I've always thought my choices were wrong but this time it felt too good not to be right. She was against my choice of being a Masseur but I was hell bent on doing that which brings me joy & income.

As I entered, she shut the door behind me & said...

Issa thread #JosiahsThreads
Randa and I have been dating for 2years & everyone around us have been expecting us to consolidate things in marriage. She was ready, her family was ready, my family was ready, I was ready but my account balance didn't seem ready.
As a graduate teaching in a private secondary school with a 25k monthly salary, marriage was way out of my budget. Randa is the first daughter of her family from Akwa Ibom & her bride price isn't something you pray about (rara oh). You must have money even if you have faith.
Read 33 tweets

Seriously writing,

There is a huge difference between satire/sarcasm and senseless, messageless and unnecessary jokes!

Sadly, many Nigerians don't understand this.

There are so many issues of national, religious and sociocultural importance that have been sacrificed on the altar of memes and jokes.

This is bcos out of a desire to be funny, many of us have taken to making jokes out of the serious issues, thereby watering down their gravity
If you go online, especially on this app, you'll see memes & jokes making light of infidelity in relationships & marriages. The other day, someone wrote that if having one boyfriend could bring happiness, she couldn't but imagine how much happiness ten boyfriends would bring.
Read 10 tweets
All I needed was a shoulder to cry on but the tenderness of the chest she placed my head on made everything go away. While everything was gradually going away, she added a peck to it & took me inside her compound.

#JosiahsThreads the Pt2
Running away for my dear life was all that mattered now since Ebuka was bent on killing me. I called Stanley my friend in Lagos that I was coming over after explaining the situation to him. He mocked by telling me that it's "bress & yansh" that will kill. He said I could come.
I was able to steal a few clothes from my house since Ebuka & his faction were in guard to get me down & probably take my life. So for the first time since my childhood, I packed myself & headed to Lagos atleast to save face & preserve my life for the main time
Read 28 tweets
So Anita my neighbour's girlfriend came to see on that Monday morning and their gate was locked.

I watched her wait in for almost 2hrs & I could literally see the frustration on her face so I decided to be a good samaritan by opening my gate for her...

Anita is that kind of girl that causes wahala for all the guys anytime she comes around. The rear kind that has beauty, perfect front & visionary backyard. We created a whatsapp group for guys in the area bcos of her
If you're the first guy to sight her coming you must uphold the Bro & street code by informing us on the group so that we can all take our respective spots to catch a good view of this quintessential beauty. As matter of fact all of us have her pic in our phones
Read 33 tweets
Lagos is a pretty messed up place so this is an experience of a new Lagosian

Issa thread #JosiahsThreads
Things you'd never get to hear about Lagos.

1 . Lagos is not a local government, it is an entire state... People talk about it like the place is small, na lie ohhh. Some people drive 1hr to work every 4am. It's like staying in Effurun and working in sapele. DON'T BE DECEIVED.
2. You don't come to Lagos and buy a house in banana island in 1 year. No allow nollywood deceive you. The hustle is real & brutal if you know what I mean.
Read 10 tweets
As I entered the mall to do some grocery shopping, I was amazed when all the guys in the hall started starring at me. I know I'm a fine man but to get the attention of fellow guys was quite something. It was OK until one guy grabbed my butt...

Issa thread #JosiahsThreads
The night before was a battle that I would never forget, our 7 years old marriage was at the verge of collapse and from all indications I am to blame even though I really don't know how all these came to be in the first place.
Ingrid and I were friends for 2years, dated for 2years, courted for 7 months before we tied the knots, and from everything they have told us about best friends being best couples I was sure our marriage was going to be a great success.
Read 26 tweets
This thread is the story of a resident of Bukuru in Plateau state about how these attacks are not new to them. Please take your time to read well and retweet let other Nigerians and the world know that life means nothing in our country right now #PlateauKillings #JosiahsThreads
It was a beautiful Sunday evening and we had all returned from church. As the custom in our family is, all my siblings and their kids came home to see their grandpa, my dad and we were gusting while having dinner.
I heard noises in the midst of our discussions but I wasn't sure because the music from the sound system was pretty loud until we heard the gate bell ring and by the time myself and my brother stepped out to check who was at the gate, we heard several knock and banging
Read 12 tweets

My testimony goes like this...
Service starts by 7am but because I spent the better part last night finishing up a story "assignment" for my nephew, I woke up late and got to church late(which is very unlike me).
One of the reasons I like to be early in church is so that I can chose my seat by myself without having to argue with the ushers. When I got t church, there was this fearfully made lady usher at the door who ushered me to a seat.
Read 25 tweets
We trooped in our numbers to the departmental office when we heard that the results have been released. I was happy in my mind because I know I prepared very well for the exams and I was sure I would be one of the best.
As it so happened, the result board showed something entirely different. I didn’t only fall behind expectation, I had a carry over. Mhen, this broke my heart, center kidney and top right lungs
I was angry because everyone that copied from me during the exams in that course got an A. In my department, you dare not complain about results else you will do a 4year course for 10years.
Read 25 tweets

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