Thread by @Gaston_118

Combined ramble on skating with mental health issues during what would be a bad week:

I’m a pre mins skater and have been kicking about my league for a year or so. I’ve quickly become HNSO and have other prominent roles in the league. I’m pretty well liked by my peers and the higher level skaters have never made me feel unwelcome.

I have anxiety and clinical depression and all the baggage that comes with being a plus size non binary queer in an athletic cis world. I’ve been burned by former friends so I don’t trust easily. Sometimes it’s a big slog to get my foot out of the door, let alone in a skate.

I’m a former rugby player so I love hitting and can take a hit easily. Coaches love to tell me I’m a great brace and I just need more self-confidence which is were the fat-girl fear comes in. We’re taught to hide our bodies be ashamed. Whereas Derby shouts out for us to embrace

Strong hits with big hips. It just takes a long time to unlearn all the engrained shame. My anxiety reminds me of every hit gone wrong. Every time I hurt someone by accident. It doesn’t matter that I’m learning still. It’s still a failure.

Every time I need a moment longer to catch my breath than the fitter people is another strike I’ll beat myself up over later. Every time I can’t do a footwork drill because I’m scared I’m too heavy I’ll break my toestops is another. Every time another friend passes their mins

And they’re invited to a scrim, it’s another nail to the heart that I’ve been over taken again by another set of people. And that last one is the most selfish so as soon you think it you feel so guilty that you’re not 100% over the moon for your friend that you’ve watched work so

Hard to get to where they are. You should be over the moon for them. But that’s just that one part that’s not and it kills you. You want to skate and you get told all you need is more confidence and just a bit more practise. You’ll get there. But you used up all your confidence

Getting out of bed this morning. Your body hurts too much because rest days are for wimps and if you stop moving you’ll have to think about everything that’s bothering you. Which your anxiety lives for doing. You read posts from other people struggling and you get some comfort

But then you read that phrase that you see so often from someone trying to help “if you can’t skate, officiate!” It’s the can’t that does it. Can’t skate. can’t. Skate. You can’t skate.

Officiating is amazing. It’s so exciting to be controlling the game and the sport you love in a different way to the way you train. But it’s mentally exhausting. NSOs must be impartial. They have to be 100% in the game.

Most officials don’t get awards. No MVPs. When intruth all of them are. I love spending time with other nsos. It grounds me a lot. Each one is doing it for a different reason. Whether it’s because they are 100% NSOs for life or injured skaters or rookies forced into it.

A lot of them go unrecognised by their leagues. Some get big presentations at games. It’s a mixed bag. My experience has been on the most positive.

But again the anxiety comes out to play, you’ve travelled hundred of miles for a game and you’re not mentioned in the social media announcements. There’s three different teams having a game each weekend and you have to scrabble to go to each game.

Maybe it’s too much self pressure. Maybe you should let other people take some of the strain. You don’t have too be there for every game. It doesn’t have to be perfect. The league survived before you joined. But those are your thoughts.

This is meant to be your hobby and your way to blow off steam. But your anxiety has got its claws in it now. Your small successes mean nothing to it. In one week alone you added 4 laps to your 27/5 best but that’s because clearly the coach was feeling sorry for you. Not because

You skated harder than you ever had before. When one of your fellow rookies mentioned it looked like you were putting in a lot of effort as struggling to breathe, you thought it was a negative and proof you’re not trying hard enough to get fit.

Anxiety is so good at making you feel like you’re the centre of the universe. Everything that happens is because you either did something wrong or they hate you. And if you try and relax and be rational, it turns those thoughts into the opposite. You’re worthless now instead.

And that’s a long ramble about some thoughts of a roller derby NSO/skater with anxiety. I think I just needed to write a few things. It was cathartic 😪

Ending this with a resource. I love resources. derbycentral.net/2016/03/i-got-…

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