Thread by @therealfitz

OK. Buckle up folks, it's story time: It all started about 4 months ago with this news story: newsweek.com/secret-service…

This entire affair pissed me off. I posted about it later that day. And the next day too:

And yes, I'm still mad about it.

But I'd mostly backburnered it. Until 2 weeks ago I was in Palo Alto for the amazing #scifoo unconference. I was staying in a nearby hotel. All was going well.

Until... until I came back to my room after the first day of the conference. To find this (photo taken after I opened it).

Now, an important detail here, dear readers, is that this hadn't been slipped under my door, oh no... it was SITTING ON THE DESK IN MY ROOM.

Just SITTING there.

It was apparently TOP SECRET

So I opened it. Inside was ANOTHER envelope. A padded one. It was also TOP SECRET

In this envelope was... a USB thumb drive.

Now I don't know who thought that they were going to get me to plug this into my laptop, but hoo boy did they have another thought coming.

But I knew that I couldn't just forget this damned thing, so I brought it home. And I examined it.

And examined it some more... looks like a 64GB drive with a USB A connector and a USB C connector.

But I wasn't going to plug it into my laptop no matter WHO pressured me to do it (I'm looking at you, @mattcutts)

@mattcutts I was curious if people thought I would plug it in. So I took a Very Scientific Poll:

Narrator: It wasn't, in fact, scientific at all

@mattcutts And the result was... CowboyNeal.

Huge love to all my SlashDot peeps out there. @cmdrtaco, @cdibona, @hemos: much love to y'all.

@mattcutts @cmdrtaco @cdibona @hemos But I was surprised that only 4% of you thought I could resist. Only 4%. From the bottom of my heart, I thank you.

@mattcutts @cmdrtaco @cdibona @hemos Sadly, you were wrong. I'm going to plug it in. But I have A Plan.

@mattcutts @cmdrtaco @cdibona @hemos My plan is called a Brand New Google Pixelbook

@mattcutts @cmdrtaco @cdibona @hemos Oh yes. It's happening.

@mattcutts @cmdrtaco @cdibona @hemos But then again, it's not to late to stop...

@mattcutts @cmdrtaco @cdibona @hemos OK. Unboxing time.

@mattcutts @cmdrtaco @cdibona @hemos This is a *really* nice box.

@mattcutts @cmdrtaco @cdibona @hemos More wrapping! This is a *very* fresh laptop.

@mattcutts @cmdrtaco @cdibona @hemos As a Control Enthusiast, I find this *very* satisfying.

@mattcutts @cmdrtaco @cdibona @hemos Legit.

@mattcutts @cmdrtaco @cdibona @hemos T-3 seconds to launch

@mattcutts @cmdrtaco @cdibona @hemos So friendly.

@mattcutts @cmdrtaco @cdibona @hemos I should probably update this before going any further. BRB

@mattcutts @cmdrtaco @cdibona @hemos My Pixel 3 phone lik the updat.

@mattcutts @cmdrtaco @cdibona @hemos OK. All set now. Let's go!

@mattcutts @cmdrtaco @cdibona @hemos Conveniently signing the new Pixelbook into a neighbor's wifi network now (no I'm not telling you what it is, but it's definitely not FBI Surveillance Van. Or is it?)

@mattcutts @cmdrtaco @cdibona @hemos AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Nope.

@mattcutts @cmdrtaco @cdibona @hemos I love @obra so much

@mattcutts @cmdrtaco @cdibona @hemos @obra Hmm, what's this?

@mattcutts @cmdrtaco @cdibona @hemos @obra Enhance.

@mattcutts @cmdrtaco @cdibona @hemos @obra Enhance.

@mattcutts @cmdrtaco @cdibona @hemos @obra Enhance.

@mattcutts @cmdrtaco @cdibona @hemos @obra Enha... wait, too much.

@mattcutts @cmdrtaco @cdibona @hemos @obra No, I'm not looking to buy anything... just browsing.

@mattcutts @cmdrtaco @cdibona @hemos @obra Just the thing I need...

@mattcutts @cmdrtaco @cdibona @hemos @obra Oh and whomever put this thing in my hotel room, if this is blank I'm going to have Geraldo Rivera come over to your house and NEVER LEAVE.

@mattcutts @cmdrtaco @cdibona @hemos @obra OK. I think I'm really going to do this. I hate myself.

@mattcutts @cmdrtaco @cdibona @hemos @obra I'm having second thoughts.

@mattcutts @cmdrtaco @cdibona @hemos @obra Maybe I should run another poll...

@mattcutts @cmdrtaco @cdibona @hemos @obra OK. Fuck it. Here we go. It's been nice knowing all of you.

@mattcutts @cmdrtaco @cdibona @hemos @obra I need this book right now.

@mattcutts @cmdrtaco @cdibona @hemos @obra Why am I doing this?

(Hi neighbors! How's your wifi network doing?)

@mattcutts @cmdrtaco @cdibona @hemos @obra UGH. It me.

@mattcutts @cmdrtaco @cdibona @hemos @obra Really?

@mattcutts @cmdrtaco @cdibona @hemos @obra OK. Imma open it up now and see what's inside.

I do like how the logo looks a bit like a trident there tho. How fitting.

@mattcutts @cmdrtaco @cdibona @hemos @obra You asshole.

@mattcutts @cmdrtaco @cdibona @hemos @obra

@mattcutts @cmdrtaco @cdibona @hemos @obra OK, whoever did this is clearly an earlybird. 6:20AM WTF?

@mattcutts @cmdrtaco @cdibona @hemos @obra I can't believe this was only an hour ago. I was so young. So innocent.

@mattcutts @cmdrtaco @cdibona @hemos @obra OK. I'm going to open it. Here goes. This is it. You've ruined me.

@mattcutts @cmdrtaco @cdibona @hemos @obra FUCK. YOU.

@mattcutts @cmdrtaco @cdibona @hemos @obra I hate everyone.

@mattcutts @cmdrtaco @cdibona @hemos @obra I'm not uploading the video because I'm not logging into anything to do so, but DAMMIT the first 20 seconds is this bit.ly/IqT6zt

@mattcutts @cmdrtaco @cdibona @hemos @obra I quit.

@mattcutts @cmdrtaco @cdibona @hemos @obra Because the next scene cut in is me knocking over the Millenium Falcon at #ORDCamp

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?

@mattcutts @cmdrtaco @cdibona @hemos @obra Thanks for helping me relive this moment.

@mattcutts @cmdrtaco @cdibona @hemos @obra I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want.

@mattcutts @cmdrtaco @cdibona @hemos @obra If you are looking for ransom I can tell you I don't have money, but what I do have are a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you.

@mattcutts @cmdrtaco @cdibona @hemos @obra I will look for you, I will find you and I WILL kill you.

@mattcutts @cmdrtaco @cdibona @hemos @obra As for the Pixelbook? Well, it was fun while it lasted.

@mattcutts @cmdrtaco @cdibona @hemos @obra Epilogue: STILL MAD

@mattcutts @cmdrtaco @cdibona @hemos @obra And finally, the entire video, Rickroll, Millenium Falcon, and everything: imgur.com/a/NzURylR

@mattcutts @cmdrtaco @cdibona @hemos If you're here wondering where the rest of the thread is, you're using New Twitter, which apparently sucks: threadreaderapp.com/thread/1153848…