Thread by @johnmoe

It's August 24th. And this is the day that my brother Rick should be turning 57 years old. He won't do that because he died by suicide in 2007, after a years-long struggle with depression and addiction that went largely untreated because he was ashamed.

So for the past several years, I've been sharing my thoughts on this day here on the oft-problematic but occasionally good Twitter.
A bit of a recap first and then what feels to me like an important update.

Rick was my hero because he was my big brother. But even if we weren't related, I would have found him to be one of the kindest, smartest, and funniest people I knew. What I didn't see when we were young was the pain he was in.

He had what we would call today ADHD and dyslexia. Back then, it was called "being a bad kid and a dumb kid". We also grew up in a house where alcoholism lived. He was up against it and he felt that. Instead of turning to booze like our dad did, Rick turned to pot.

And then school started to fall away. He got a job at the airport with the kind of 80s burnouts who could offer him harder stuff, which he took. He eventually moved from our town in suburban Seattle to San Diego, still working at airports.

The substance use increased as it also created more setbacks. He had no stable home, no steady job, and then methamphetamine entered the picture. His depression got worse.

And all of this - mental health, drugs, academics, employment - he thought it was all his fault. Like he screwed up by choice. Free will exists but so does addiction and other mental illnesses. He had treatable conditions but could not accept that.

Eventually, he appeared to get sober, stabilized, started volunteering for Narcotics Anonymous hotlines, dedicating all his time to telling people that they could get better. Never believed it of himself. He felt like he let everyone down.

And in April of 2007, he went to a shooting range and shot himself. He left words behind, apologizing. At his service, there was a reluctance by the attendees to say he was mentally ill. I resolved to talk about it instead and here we are.

The way I saw it, if you can talk about something and make it better OR not talk and make it worse, and you choose the latter? That's just stupid. That's not a choice at all. You become a blabbermouth and you connect people and we help each other.

I host a show now - @THWofD.

@THWofD If you are suffering from mental problems, even if you don't know what to call them, seek help. You aren't the first to experience whatever you're experiencing. People know what to do. There's no single solution, unfortunately, but there are options.

@THWofD And finding that help, especially in our ludicrously expensive and labyrinthine American healthcare system, can be exhaustingly difficult. Which sucks for people least equipped to deal with such obstacles. Try anyway.

@THWofD I'm cheering you on in what could be a horrible marathon. A lot of people are. Make an appointment. KEEP the appointment. Do the hard work. There's really no other option.

@THWofD An also please don't kill yourself. We need you. We face challenges.

@THWofD Some people have argued "Well, who are you to stop someone from making that choice?" Well, I'm a person who has chosen a side. I don't want you to make that choice. I'll fight for that. And if you don't like it, fuck it, I'll fight anyway.

@THWofD Last summer, I had been talking about this for years and had hosted two seasons of @THWofD, a show I created. I was giving speeches, I was writing. And I was really reaching people.
I had also given up.

@THWofD Despite all the work I had done, my brain had been operating under the idea that the best I could do was not get worse. I was on meds, I understood the issues, and I wasn't getting worse and I wasn't getting better. I accepted I never would get better.

@THWofD And finally, I thought, wait, hold on, you know what, fuck that. I had just turned 50 and realized I didn't have that much time left and why NOT try to improve.
I decided to find a good therapist and this time work like hell on myself.

@THWofD I went the CBT route. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy was the one approach that was successful for 100% of the people I had talked to who had tried it. And I found an outstanding practitioner.

@THWofD So for the last year, I have been prying open my own history, zeroing in on some very hard truths, identifying and analyzing some very difficult events, and connecting them to my current reality. IT HAS BEEN VERY TIRING. And revelatory and wonderful.

@THWofD I decided to improve and I have. I'm in the best mental health I've been in since maybe elementary school. For the first time as a grownup, I know how I got to where I am and how to improve. And just how to have better days. It's wonderful.

@THWofD You can get better. You can do the hard work. Discover your truth and discover your mind and don't give up. Giving up can be tempting but don't give up. And if you've given up, try again. That's all. Thanks. /End