Thread by @KatecBowler

Friends! Today wraps up our #EverythingHappens Book Club for August. We looked at the book and documentary FAR FROM THE TREE by @Andrew_Solomon. Andrew looks at families that discover their child is unlike them in a significant way.

His work distinguishes between vertical and horizontal identities. Vertical identities are passed down generationally from parent to child. Like ethnicity or language or sometimes religion.

Horizontal identities are often learned from a peer group. Perhaps they are born deaf or neurodiverse or have dwarfism or Down Syndrome. Perhaps they have bipolar or have been convicted of a crime or identify as a transgender person.

A boy genius, a child with autism, or someone who identifies as LGBT will be in need of a peer group that can understand and support them in ways that parents often struggle to.

This language was so helpful to me when thinking about chosen family. Sometimes the people we love and love us aren’t the people we were appointed, but rather the ones we choose.

“Parenting involves making a determination about what aspects of your child you’re going to change and what you’re going to accept and celebrate.” -@Andrew_Solomon. Have you had an experience where you’ve learned to accept something that you didn’t think you initially could?

The film follows a young woman to her first Little People of America conference where she was no longer defined by her most obvious label. She felt both seen and able to disappear.

Sometimes we just want to feel like we don’t have to be defined by our most obvious difference or known for our tragedies (cough *cancer* cough), but instead loved for our absurdities like our obsession for reality TV love triangles.

I notice this whenever I go to the hospital for a scan or an appointment. I call them the bracelet people. They are the ones who just get it. When I’m among them I don’t feel like the woman with the least sexy type of cancer. But we can all just be… human. Together.

One of the most beautiful things @Andrew_Solomon said when he became a parent is that he “found particular ecstasy in ordinary joys because he didn’t expect those joys to be ordinary” to him.

That makes so much sense to me. My son stayed home from school sick this week. (Yes, it’s only the first week. Apparently kindergarten is mostly germs & scissor skills.)

But I’m so grateful for those problems that can be solved with extra snuggles & tender care. And that I get to be the one tucking him in when he doesn’t feel well.

What ordinary joys sustain you?

But this deep well of gratitude for the ordinary joys doesn’t have to negate the difficult days. Parenting can be a hard, thankless work. Especially when parenting or being parented by people who have different horizontal identities than you.

Listen up my dears: Love is unlimited, but we are not. It’s okay to not be a super-parent or super-grandparent or super-caregiver or super-kid every moment. Sometimes we need to just say out loud that we are tired and need a nap.

.@Andrew_Solomon's work reminds us that differences can unite us and that everyone is flawed and even a bit strange. Most people are valiant, too—the lengths we will go for the ones we love.

He reminds me that the things that make us different may, in the end, not need to be cured and can even be celebrated.