Thread by @sh_reya

I wrote this while crying in the B40 bathroom at Google because I was going through a depressive episode.

People are talking about bipolar now re: Kanye, but I don’t think there’s enough talk about high-functioning neuroatypicals. Maybe I should speak up, so here goes:

The media portrays us as crazy. People are afraid of us. I can speak to my experience — I have bipolar 2, which means I oscillate between periods of hypomania (weeks of excitement, little sleep, and being on top of life) and depression (weeks of being unable to get out of bed).

Outside perspective: I feel like I have only 50% of my time to be as productive as a normal human, because I know the other 50% of my time goes to the trash can. Maybe that’s why I’m classified as “high-functioning,” even though when amortized, my work output is pretty normal.

Therapy (pt 1): It’s been a year of 3hr/week dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) for me. I’ve learned skills for distress tolerance, emotion regulation, and interpersonal relationships. I do weekly homework and have a support group. It's not always fun, but it's so useful.

Therapy (pt 2): Before DBT, I struggled so hard to have meaningful relationships — people didn’t want to be close to me. Maybe I had unrealistic expectations or wasn’t like their other friends. I blamed myself and tried to “get better.” Even now I lose relationships. It hurts.

No one gets me (pt 1): It isn't my fault that I was born with a brain that experiences emotions 10x more than the average human. Highs are super high. Lows are super low. No one taught me to work with this range of emotions.

No one gets me (pt 2): Nobody understands why I’m so motivated to crank out 1000s of lines of code for a project. Nobody also understands why I constantly reschedule meetings because I don’t feel like living anymore.

[CW] Self-harm: Yes, I have had suicidal thoughts. But having thoughts is not bad. I now approach my thoughts with curiosity rather than judgement: what does this feel like in my body? What does my brain want to do? I wish neurotypical people were open-minded about such thoughts.

Stuck in a rut: When switching to another episode, it’s so hard to remember how I felt before the episode and how I might feel in the future. When hypomanic, I scoff at the thought of ever being sad. When depressed, I can’t fathom happiness.

Strategies (pt 1): What has worked for me? I try to separate my identity from my brain. My brain might be broken, but that does not mean I am any less of a human being. I used to lament that life sucks, but it’s easier to accept my broken brain and problem-solve around it.

Strategies (pt 2): When I’m in a depressive episode, my manager messages me at 9AM and 5PM for check-in and check-out updates. I forgive myself immediately when I make mistakes — if I sleep in, don’t feel like working out, or skip a meal.

Strategies (pt 3): When I’m hypomanic, I try to stick to a regular sleep schedule. But I have never successfully done so. Also, journaling documents my emotions, so when I'm "stuck in a rut," there are timestamped records of instances where I've felt differently.

Mental illness in others (pt 1): Most bipolar people are undiagnosed until 20s or 30s, or never diagnosed at all. I sometimes wonder what the world’s perception of neuroatypical people would be like if many high-functioning neuroatypical people openly spoke about their illnesses.

Mental illness in others (pt 2): When I was going through my bipolar diagnosis, former managers, mentors, and people I look up to shared their personal experiences with mental illnesses with me. It’s more common than you think.

Maybe we’re all so afraid to talk about our experiences with mental illness because people don’t understand mental illness, and we don’t want to be judged for something we can’t control.

I think we’re just regular human beings with a broken body part. Just because you can’t see the fracture doesn’t mean we’re aliens. We are no less worthy of stability. Great teammates help us when we’re down, and we have so much value to add to a team when we’re feeling good.

Frankly, I don’t see why a bipolar person or anyone with a mental illness can’t be a president.