COVID confession: I have fantasized about a return to lockdown. To end the ambiguity & the FOMO. To experience the shared sense of urgency, which felt more important than this listless slouching into ongoing death with no end. To engage the fantasy of an end to this virus!
Some of this is sadness. Some is nostalgia. Some is all the writing I’ve been doing for the book on this year, and feeling the scary but charged & special times (lockdown, BLM) protests slipping away, only to be relaxed by mundane things accepted death & confusion.
In a way, we are headed for another lockdown, at least those of us in the north. Winter. Especially as a single person I am mindful of how warm weather outdoor socializing is slipping away & it’ll be a lockdown of another kind, but one w/o the shared sense of urgency.
There have still been quite magical parts of this strange summer of 2020. I’ve appreciated deep conversations free from commercial distraction, & growing in my close friendships. But as the days grow shorter & twilight comes sooner, so too these interactions dwindle.
I’m sure releasing the remains of my friend who died of COVID also gave me a sense of the enormity of this experience; it is so jarring to feel its toll as we continue to stumble half-assed, half-closed but 100% anxious into more death w/o any end in sight.
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