Thread by @aubrey_li

"50 not-First Dates" where WWX decides that he should make up for the fact that LWJ missed out on dating him for 16 years by making every subsequent encounter they have into a meet cute -- a CQL-verse threadfic, by me.

It all starts when WWX, a few years into his marriage, sees a courting couple giggling as they walk through the marketplace and sighs wistfully, "that could've been us but I was oblivious and also dead for 16 years."

But then, he thinks, whoever said married people CAN'T date?

The next time WWX goes on a night hunt, he sends back a letter to LWJ:

"To the most esteemed Chief Cultivator, whose kindness is as warm as summer sun, whose beauty shames the moon into hiding:

I, a humble rogue cultivator, beg for your aid.

I know that I am unworthy to even speak your name, but I find myself at wits' end with a particularly troubling case.. Having expended every other option, I can only write to Hanguang-jun and pray that you will honour me with your peerless wisdom..."

He signs it with a fake name

LWJ comes to help, of course. And when they find each other in the town, WWX pretends that they've never met. But of course, he's enthralled by HGJ's sublime beauty, and dazzling cleverness -- so much so, that he maybe gets roughed up a bit as they solve the case.

Because LWJ is a paragon of goodness, he kindly offers to tend WWX's wounds at a conveniently nearby inn where there is, of course, Only One Bed.

WWX sits on the bed and slowly, shyly takes off his clothes so that LWJ can have a look at his injuries.

He glances up through his eyelashes and sees LWJ looking back at him. And that gives WWX the courage to ask, still hesitant despite being nearly mindless with want, whether this humble rogue cultivator might, perhaps, be permitted to... thank HGJ for his assistance tonight.

Of course someone as exalted as HGJ would never even twice at a nameless nobody like him, and he's ashamed to admit that he's inexperienced and unskilled, but if there's ANYTHING he could do to... compensate Hanguang-jun for his time, anything at all, he'd be SO grateful... 😳

Anyway, they fuck in the inn. WWX gets to pretend to be an untouched virgin all over again, overwhelmed by LWJ's enormous... magnificence.

Afterwards, they decide that they both enjoyed the roleplay, though LWJ isn't sure how to initiate such things.

WWX: "nah, I got this."

The next time they do this, WWX writes another letter to LWJ, where he tells the story of a celestial maiden who has her clothes stolen by a lecherous mortal in a pond. A detailed map and date and time are attached to the letter.

(LWJ checks his schedule, smiles, and leaves.)

When WWX arrives at the pond, he is shocked, SHOCKED! to see an ethereal beauty bathing in the moonlight! It's a celestial maiden! Whose clothes just happen to be neatly folded and within easy reach on the shore right by the pond, where any lecherous mortal could steal them!

Naturally, WWX steals the clothes. Oh, the celestial beauty wants to go back to the heavens? And can't go back without his clothes? Well, WWX might be willing to return the clothes. For A Price.

(It's here that WWX remembers that LWJ, despite being perfect, has TERRIBLE acting.)

LWJ, turning onto his front and helpfully spreading his legs: "I prepared myself beforehand."
WWX, sighing: "it's not that I don't appreciate the enthusiasm, sweetheart, but please remember that you're being FORCED to do this?"
LWJ: "apologies. oh no my chastity"🥺

(WWX makes the executive decision that HE'LL be the ravished and bullied virgin in their roleplays from now on.)

Anyway, they decide that they both like this and want to keep doing it. LWJ is the cool, aloof beauty who ignores everyone except WWX; they both reach for the same book at the bookshop; WWX sees a dog (it's actually a pigeon, but whatever) and leaps into a stranger's (LWJ's) arms

WWX is a rogue cultivator who HGJ meets while he's going where the chaos is, and WWX gets poisoned with resentful energy! Oh no, the only cure for such a poisoning is a powerful infusion of yang, preferably directly from the jade pillar of a cultivator of utmost righteousness!

This harmless fun continues until eventually, WWX accidentally gets kidnapped.

TBC tomorrow. Fear not, literally nothing bad happens in this fic

The thing is, since word got out about his return from the dead, he's been kidnapped a lot. It's happened so often that he has a 6th sense for it now, a flicker of movement, a whisper of conversation, a badly-hidden talisman, all of which combine to mean: attempted kidnapping.

He's learned that it's easier to just let them leave with him, then figure out what they're after (usually either revenge or like, demonic cultivation lessons), and then raise a bunch of corpses to get them to shit their pants and let him go.

So, he does that.

Only, it turns out that these people are after something else: MONEY.

"He's one of Sect Leader Jin's last surviving relatives," one of them says. "Jin Rulan will pay anything to get him back."

"And if not, Jiang Wanyin will," the other one says, gleefully.

"???" says WWX.

Obviously, WWX can't let anyone contact Jin Ling or Jiang Cheng for ransom; he'd never hear the end of it! Jiang Cheng would be bad enough but what if Jin Ling told his little friends? WWX's reputation as the Cool Uncle would be destroyed forever!

(WWX does not know that LWJ, who is both notoriously badass and who secretly taught the ducklings loopholes to just about every rule ever, is already the Cool Uncle. WWX is, at best, That Guy Who Is OP As Fuck But Also Kind Of A Fuddy-Duddy About Rules.)

So WWX sends a surreptitious message off to LWJ and goes, "Uh guys, not to tell you how to do your jobs, but if you really want a lot of money, you should ransom me to the Chief Cultivator. You know, My Beloved Husband Who Is Also Loaded?"

Kidnappers:

The kidnappers decide to write the ransom letter to LWJ instead.

WWX, peeking over their shoulder: THAT'S what you're telling him? It's not persuasive at all. Here, let me do it, I know exactly what'll get him running. BTW, can you untie my hands?

Kidnappers: *untie his hands*

WWX's ransom letter goes like this:

"To the gorgeous and incredibly sexy Hanguang-jun, Chief Cultivator:

We have long heard of your impressively enormous integrity and unrelentingly turgid righteousness."

WWX: you should always start with a compliment!😊
Kidnappers: ....

"Surely a heavenly pillar of manhood such as yourself would not allow your own husband to suffer under nefarious and lecherous hands."

Kidnappers: uh dude, I don't know what you think we're trying to do but--
WWX: shhh, just go with it.

"If you do not wish for harm or dishonour to come to the helpless body of your delicate and feeble husband--"

Kidnappers: aren't you a terrifying necromancer?
WWX: I'm retired.

"--then bring [x amount of money] to [y location] in [z days].

Signed,
Bad Guys"

WWX has also helpfully included a drawing of himself, looking pitiful and extremely twink-y, with wide, beseeching eyes and robes torn to reveal tantalizing glimpses of bare collarbones, thighs, and one delicate, painstakingly-rendered nipple.

Kidnappers: I'm beginning to suspect that you're not taking this seriously.
WWX: I don't know what you're talking about. I am terrified and alone. Woe.

The kidnappers send off the ransom letter. For humour reasons, LWJ receives it the same time as he receives WWX's own missive:

"My dearest, most beloved and handsome husband, how the days drag without you by my side. My eyes long for the sight of your face. My body aches for your touch. Also, I've been kidnapped. There's no need to worry. The weather is very fine and I've been enjoying the fresh air--"

LWJ, reading WWX's 'ransom' letter: Is this another sexy roleplay?
LWJ, reading WWX's other letter: ...this still feels like sexy roleplay.

Anyway, he goes after WWX, of course. But he brings along lube, snacks, and a change of clothes, just in case.

Meanwhile, WWX is doing what he does best: making friends.

He does this by simply talking at the other party non-stop, wearing them down until they are forced to respond out of sheer self-defense.

Look, it worked on LWJ, didn't it?

(Yes, even now, WWX still kind of thinks that he somehow Stockholm Syndrome-d LWJ into liking him. It's something LWJ is working on correcting.)

Oh, and there's probably an attack at some point where WWX unties himself to shove everyone else behind him while he singlehandedly takes down a terrifying monster. And then cheerfully ties himself back up afterward.

Kidnappers: "...we are just jokes to you, aren't we?"

Anyway, as a result of the befriending, WWX unearths the kidnappers' tragic backstory. They're not bad people, just unlucky and desperate. WWX's kidnapping was their last hope, having spent every bit of coin they had on the Super Special Magic Talisman that they used to trap him.

WWX, eyeing said Magic Talisman that is definitely just a sheet of paper with random spells scribbled on it that might be powerful enough to trap a hamster if you got it drunk first: ...have you guys ever considered an alternate career path?

Eventually, WWX talks them into abandoning kidnapping and cultivation, on the basis that they kind of suck at both. When one of them reveals that he's got a family farm, WWX suggests they become farmers instead!

He also sends off another message to LWJ:

"Hi sweetheart, don't be too mean when you get here, okay? These people aren't evil, they're just dumb. It's okay, I've convinced them to change their ways, so if you happen to pass by a town, can you pick up the following farming supplies..."

LWJ, reading the letter, and accompanying shopping list, but also remembering that time WWX rented out an actual cottage in the woods so that he could play out his domestic househusbands fantasy: "I remain uncertain as to whether or not this is sexy roleplay."

So, WWX passes the time teaching his ex-kidnappers everything he knows about farming: different growing seasons for different plants, the importance of crop rotation, which companion plants work best for which plants, etc.

Kidnappers: "how... do you know so much about farming?"

WWX: "I'm the Yiling Patriarch who kept a whole bunch of people alive in the Burial Mounds for years. What did you think we ate, corpses?"
Kidnappers: "...I mean, kind of, yeah."
WWX: "...you know what? Let's not talk about what I did or did not eat. It's all in the past anyway."

In any case, the kidnappers are extremely grateful to WWX, both for his knowledge and for being so chill about being kidnapped.

WWX: "awww, thanks. I mean, in my last life, I made peace with a death mountain full of resentful energy so you're kind of small potatoes."

WWX: "also, now that we're buddies, can you rough me up a little bit? Maybe split my lip? Definitely bruise my cheekbone. My husband's on his way and I want some sweet hurt/comfort action😊"

And then LWJ swoops down from the sky like a sexy martial god, and the kidnappers watch in utter bafflement as WWX immediately turns into the must pitiful, tragically feeble man, barely able to stay on his feet long enough to collapse into his husband's arms.

WWX: "oh Lan Zhan! Husband! Beloved! How I've suffered! Lan Zhan if you do not kiss me this instant I will surely perish!"
LWJ: "Mn" 😙
WWX: "I need more."🥺
LWJ: "Mn." 😙😙😙😙😙😙😙😙😙😙

Kidnappers: "uh. We're still here. Should we... not be?"

So, they part. LWJ hands over the supplies he bought; WWX leads the kidnappers off to have a conversation about how if he ever hears of them attempting evil deeds, he'll turn their own dead against them.

WWX: "so be good, mkay?"😊
Kidnappers: "y-yes sir your Patriarchness sir"

WWX waves them off, and then happily swoons back into LWJ's arms. "Oh Hanguang-jun, I was SO frightened. Thank you for saving me from these villains. If only I could repay you for your kindness -- but alas, I have no money."

LWJ: "payment is unnecessary."

"Oh but Hanguang-jun," WWX coos, while his hands feel LWJ up under his robes, "surely there's SOMETHING I can offer. Is there... anything his Excellency would want of this humble Wei? Anything at all?"

(LWJ is grateful that he brought the lube and snacks after all.)

THE END!

With much thanks to @tothedeaths and @bee_off_main for letting me bounce this idea off of them, and for letting me steal several of the funniest lines. ❤️