Thread by @Fizzygrrl

Help Twitter plz help

i found a bird dead, floating in the water bin we leave out for our raccoons and it was in there 20+ minutes

the kids begged me to save it

so i put wrapped it up and put it in my shirt for fast warming

an hour later

guys help my tits resurrected a bird

I did not foresee this bird starting to breathe after an hour

And then start moving

It’s still unconscious on my chest

what the flark do I do now

I was unaware of my magical lifesaving birb boobs

WHAT

DO

I

D O.

It’s dry and warm and can move it’s wings and tail and reached up and is gripping the paper towel with its precious birdy foot

what do I do for it? It’s still unconscious but how am I supposed to help it??!! what does it need????

okay just realized

I have

a teeny dinosaur on my boobies

Wookit my widdle evolved murder baby

who was deadass not with the living for an hour

my precious miracle prehistoric fren

Okay, daughter did all kinds of research and set up a recovery home with a special heating pad that can keep the box at the optimal temp for the bird’s recovery.

Food and water added later.

I miss my little boobie buddy already.

Crossing my fingers for morning!

I know it’s foot looks less than alive but his little dino feet claws are up there on purpose, heh.

Tomorrow, calling the bird sanctuary and/or vet for all the guidance!

Rooting for my baby!

okay but also

seriously

i so did not have

magical bird resurrecting tits

on my 2021 BINGO card

Thelma and Louise feel mighty

Update: 14yo daughter cared for birdy all night but the heating pad shut off.

Woke up to dead birdy. :(

But the kids begged me to try boob therapy again.

So I spent the morning with a deceased birdy on my boobs.

but then

I was checking it

and it wrapped a foot around my finger

and turned its head a little

what

the fuck

is happening

have my my boobs

created zombie birb?

did my tits start the apocalypse

plz advise

10yo son begged to take over zombie bird care while in online school because I have a doc appt down the street

does the bird only live whilst

on the actual breasties?

but okay also

it feels like it would be perfectly on brand

for my boobies to accidentally

cause the zombie apocalypse

i mean

i just

i don’t

...

okay hi magic tits zombie birb

this is some fucking stephen king shit

uh

by the way

how this started

i asked my daughter to refill bird feeders yesterday

she did a mighty scream

because she had seen the floating dead bird

I said I would get it because dead critters sad her

but i had to wait 3 minutes

because i had just logged into therapy on zoom

but i saw through the window

that the bird didn't look long dead

so while the zoom room waited for therapist to join

i sat my laptop

on the back of my couch

facing the window

with the sound up high

and the window cracked

and i raced out to get the birdy

was holding it saying i think it might be saved

for a good 5 minutes

while my therapist watched

the next few minutes

was me asking my therapist if she thought

the bird had hope

or if I was once again putting my long ingrained white night issues that cause me to focus solely on saving others and animals because no one saved me in bad situations which yeah im working on

we talked about that

while i put the shirt in my hoodie just in case

but as i pleaded my case

therapist became likewise invested

and so anyway the first 30 minutes of therapy

was her calling out her ideas on how to save it

i sat down with my laptop

carefully put birdy in my shirt

dead

and laid it comfortably

in my booby infirmary

and then finished therapy

with a frozen dead bird on my tits

an hour later it started to twitch

and well hell you know the rest

so uh

it is...

okay so it ? ? ? ?

resurrection tits

i mean I guess?

also

HELLO WIDDLE ZOMBIE DINOSAUR

WELCOME BACK

...

AGAIN?

please don’t kill us we love you

okay real talk

the wildlife rescue told me this morning

that the bird had likely hit our window

and fell into the water bin

and drowned

and the reason it had never fully woken up

was it had been without air for too long

had severe brain damage

and would die today

and that the movements

like wrapping its claws around my finger

and stretching a wing

and turning its head

were just weird things brains do once something is technically brain dead like muscle memory twitches and spasms that control parts of the body

and i mean

i can’t wait to hear their new insights

to guide my confusion

because this is

not wHAT THEY SAID WOULD OCCUR

HOLY FUCK

ZOMBIE BIRD

ANGRY ZOMBIE BI

HOLY FUCKING FRIGGA ON A FORK

THE SHOEBOX STARTED MAKING NOISE

THEN THE LID STARTED BOUNCING

AND A DETERMINED ZOMBIE DINOSAUR

WAS CLAWING/FLAPPING/FREAKING OUT

I WAS SO SCARED IT WOULD HURT ITSELF

SO I OPENED THE WINDOW AND

WE GOT CATS, GUYS

BIG MF CATS

AND MURDER DOGS

AND I DON'T

IT WAS JUST

THERE WAS SO MUCH SCREAMING

AND BARKING

AND HISSING

AND CLAWING

AND TIT ZOMBIE FLAPPING

SO I PANICKED AND OPENED THE WINDOW BEHIND ME

AND IT'S JUST WIDE ENOUGH FOR THE SHOEBOX

I TRIED TO SET IT ON THE GROUND

BUT TIT ZOMBIE DINO BIRDS HAVE GOALS

AND THEN THERE WAS FLAPPING

THEN FLYING

THEN

THIS

look at this little fucker all smug

like honestly how dare thee birb

after all we have been through

not even a goodbye

or a knowing nod to my boobles

I did tell them i’m really happy they are okay

and if they ever die again

they know where to find me

i think he heard me

i hope he did

bye resurrected-by-tits-twice-baby-dinosaur-murder-baby-zombie-birb

you are a very Good Bird

bye, friend

oh oh oh my god I am dying

the wildlife rescue just called

and told me that i can bring zombie bird in tomorrow

but that they didn't see my birb

surviving through the night

and i swear

I barely got the words of my zombie dino out

because I was laugh-crying so hard it hurt.

people need to stop underestimating

the mighty bird

also

to never underestimate my tits

apparently.

oh! since a lot of people asked

the twice resurrected zombie dino bird

was a

Brown Creeper

so for the rest of my life

i can say

I kept a dead creeper on my tits

for 2 days

on purpose