Thread by @JuliusGoat

My cast list for any new Lord Of The Rings is also the cast list of Ted Lasso, a thread.

Let's start with an easy one: Aragorn. No fucking second breakfasts for any fucking hobbits or any other fucking muppets with this Aragorn.

"Gandalf Greyhame, a servant of the Secret Fire, wielder of the flame of Anor, Mithrandir among the Elves, Tharkûn to the Dwarves; Olórin I was in my youth in the West that is forgotten, in the South Incánus; The Independent. A question: is it secret? Is it safe?"

"Like, you got me axe, innit, bruv?"

"Bor-O-Mir, do do, do do do
Bor-O-Mir, do do, do do do."

Legolas.

"They are taking the hobbits to Isengard, whose recent environmental policies I simply cannot approve of."

Galadriel. Typecasting, really, but come on.

"The whistle is OURS precious, isn't it, yesss."

Pippin

"Pipe weed is life! The Shire is life! Second breakfasts is life!"

Merry can walk from the Shire to the fields of Pelanor while partying because she and her crew are MAD FIT.

"I can't carry it for you, Mister Frodo, but I can carry you."

"Well now look, I am as lost as a troll without mapquest when it comes to findin' this here Mordor but I guess if you need somebody to schlepp this little old ring a bit futher, just call me a schleppdog, or maybe just by my name if that all seemed a bit too convoluted for you."

"I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve, or wait, no, that's four halves, isn't it, oh *gagging sound* oh bother."

"Anyway, why shouldn't I? Why shouldn't I keep it? It's MY desk."

"Well dip me in the Anduin and call me a goblin, but this here Emyn Muil's more impassable than the roundabouts you all have at every intersection around here; never can get the hang of those things."

"There is no strength left in the world of Men, Gandalf. They're scattered, divided, leaderless."

“I am Saruman the Wise, Saruman the Ring-maker, Saruman of Many Colours! I gave you the chance of aiding me willingly. But you… have elected… the way of… pain! And honestly, dear, I think appearing in public with that hat is very brave—good for you.”

"Heeden ba' ta Minas Tirith, aren't yeh?"
*growls*
"Esen't et's yer, like, destineh?"
"Will you be there?"
"Course. Natural. Denethor's me da. It's me sacred duteh, esen't eh?"
"Then I'd rather fucking walk to fucking Mordor, you wanky shit."

"So Sam, tell me, if a scorned wife tossed her severed husband's member at me and I was so surprised I ducked and hid but my electrician didn't, then..."

"Then Bobbit lobbed it at a hobbit who was shy-er in the Shire than the wire hire, Mr. Frodo"

"Well that's what I thought."

"My company are those loyal to Rohan, and for that we are banished. The White Wizard is cunning. He walks here and there, they say, as an old man hooded and cloaked. And everywhere his spies slip past our nets. But not the nets I protect, mon ami."

“The women of this country learned long ago, those without swords can still die upon them. I fear neither death nor pain. And I will crush you at keep-away. Every single time.”

Hey mate! merry mate! ring a dong a dussie!
Oi, man! Wicked, man, can I get an ussie?
Ring a dope! hop and lope! Fal lal la you’re legend!
They’ll fuckin kill you, mate, and call you a bell-end!

“I’m the faster rider. I’ll take him.”

"Why would you give the fucking choice to me? I've been shit. I'm an ill chooser. Since we lost fucking Gandalf and fucking passed through the fucking Argonath my fucking choices have gone amiss. Now Borimir's fucking dead, the prick."

Denathor isn't in thrall to the palantír. He's just Dutch.

Coda. The Thread, Illustrated.

Oh I gotta add this one.

Recasting Denathor, and we'll let one actor play both princes of Gondor.

"If I should return, think better of me, Father."
"That will depend on the manner of your return, ye second-rate prince of Man-us Tirith, ey? Ey? You're shite, boy-o. Joking, Joking. You're utter shite."

"I do not know what strength is in my blood, but I swear to you I will not let the Man City score. Nor our team fail."

"OUR team ... like harmoneh, innit. Synergeh, like. I'd eh followed yeh, meh brother... my captain... my king."

"Good. But you're still a fucking prick."

“Coaches always so polite, yes! Wonderkid brings them up secret ways that nobody else could find. Very nice friends, O yes my precious, very nice."

“We wants it, we needs it. Must have the whistle. They stole it from us. Sneaky little coachesses. Wicked, tricksy, false!”