Thread by @AF632

"Somebody sneezed."

"Just look what could happen if you take the horse paste your doctor just prescribed you!"

Robert couldn't help but wonder about Apple's latest product line.

"No, Skipper, you can't keep taking your mask off to lick your balls!"

Caren was frustrated. She'd found ways to protect some of her orifices, but none of the search engines had any suggestions showing how to protect her eyes and ears and still retain her senses. She would just have to cover up and hope all the roads had raised pavement markers.

Teaching kindergarten was one of the most dangerous professions in this brave new world, but Jane was prepared. She had her PPE, an EpiPen holstered on her hip, and an ax hidden in her desk. One never knew when one of the little ones would develop the sniffles and suddenly turn.

These were truly the last days of this brave new world. Malik could sense the air quality around him diminishing, disappearing. The outside edges of his vision were beginning to blur. At least he was protected. He could only imagine what those who weren't were going through.

Francis wasn't going to take a chance when it came to Mitsy and Itsy Bitsy. They were tightly muzzled, leashed to the stroller, and their undercarriages gently cuffed to prevent them from accidently debasing any nearby fire hydrant.

🎶They see me rollin', they hatin'!🎶

They were fearful of most everything, and so they donned bright colors, hoping the display would ward off most of the larger predators.

Soon, the rats and other vermin would inhale the fumes to get high before venturing out for some midnight snacks.

Aliyah didn't know what the big deal was with the new dress code in this brave new world. It was no more restricting than the dress code that had been mandated for her since birth. And it didn't even have to be black!

"Yes, I know you're outside, George. No, you can't take your protective gear off, Kevin. Yes, you have to play outside with masks and social distancing circles, Malcolm. Timmy, your nose is showing; detention for a week. And why aren't there any girls playing with you, Billy?"

"No you cannot come near my children! They don't even have their protective suits on, and they're not due for the sixth booster until next month!"

Fred wouldn't admit he was obsessed. He only had a half dozen figurines, a wall full of photos, and just about half a gigabyte of pictures on his computer. That wasn't obsession; just a healthy dose of fangirling.

She was alone. This brave new world was dangerous, but she was a survivor. She'd use the net she wore for fishing, and fish guts to sooth the oozing, puss-filled sores from wearing new leather boots. Her only concern was the thin red streak starting to inch up her left leg.

Attacks were commonplace. In this brave new world, no one was safe from the feral amalgams that had sprung from the past year's chaos. Half human, half beast, they leaped out to accost unsuspecting targets, fling poo and scream obscenities—the only human words they understood.

🎶She said no huggin' no kissin' until you make me your wife
My honey my baby don't put my love on no shelf
She don't hand me no lies and keep your hands to yourself.🎶

The day dawned bright and sunny. A cool breeze wafted down the boulevard, and with it the slight stench of body odor. Greg was still in the throes of the Soma® he'd taken the night before. But he was happy. The pink-haired gorilla people had won the fight. His lifestyle was safe.

It was trash day. Ingrid still couldn't find her shoes, but once she got the lean-to spruced up a bit, they were sure to turn up. She was glad area leadership encouraged her lifestyle choice. She just hoped her shoes and clothes weren't in the bag she was taking to the dumpster.

"I'm so glad this special day is ours and ours alone," she whispered as they shared a sterile kiss. "I'd hate to have a wedding just like everyone else's."

As the days passed, Frank's nervousness increased. Not only was he detained against his will, but Ethel kept adding layers of plastic everywhere. One day soon, she would suffocate him and it would be over.

They sat, struggling to keep smiles on their tired faces. Forbidden to talk or ask questions, they sat, attired in the requisite red, their faces covered by mandatory coverings. "Blessed is the fruit," their master reminded them.

"Now Mister Strafford, isn't this much better than having to get in shape and remember to take vitamins every day?"

"Guys? Guys? C'mon now, it ain't funny anymore. There's no one out here, I can't breathe, and it's gonna be dark soon."

On the ground, the situation looked grim. Walkers as far as the eye could see, bodies everywhere, and lines of cars exiting the chaos of the cities. Radio chatter was sparse, but painted a bleak picture everywhere. And to make matters worse, the helicopter was almost out of fuel.

Our staff would like to invite you in to dine. Please note that our restaurant does not allow inside dining, so please be seated inside of one of the outside booths we've erected for you to eat inside of outside.

"Let me in!" Tom yelled, banging on the door. It wouldn't do any good, though. While he was masked and vaccinated, they'd thrown him out of the survivors' colony, all because he hadn't gotten his fourth booster shot in time. And once outside, there was no coming back.

"Just a minute, mate. Me n' the boys are 'avin' some tea! You can't just drive on these streets durin' tea time!"

"THIS IS FOR YOUR SAFETY!"

"I'm just glad you're not using rectal thermometers for this anymore!"

"Actually, I heard the NIAID Director say they're gonna recommend we switch back."

"You will wear this muzzle, no matter how many times I have to force it on you."

"Do you think they'll recognize us as feds? Maybe we should split up."

"No, Chad. Not a chance. Just hide the bulge from your listening device in your front pocket a bit better."

"Come hang out with the boys from undercover ops," they said. "It'll be cool," they said. "We're all gonna wear costumes," they said. Pricks.

Fred was on his way to a conference, but he knew you couldn't be too careful. Luckily, cold viruses were too big to find their way past a zipper!

"I love sports!" she'd said. But as he sat there, pretending to enjoy himself, holding back a chili fart that would toxify the inside of his port-a-tent, Lance was having second thoughts. He was also pretty sure he wouldn't score any more than the women's soccer team had so far.

Lou was getting hungry. No one had come by all morning, and she was starting to think this was all just an elaborate prank they were pulling on the newbies. Besides, the garbage can was full of empty beer cans and chip bags.

"Hmm, I wonder which wine pairs best with the smell of wet plastic and tarpaulin."

It wasn't that Nancy was paranoid. She was fine as long as the unwashed help stayed masked. It was just that she'd spent so much time masked at the outdoor charity event because of the cameras that the tan lines on her face made her look like she had a pasty white beard.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, Raymond! I said *not* to cross the streams!"

It was mandatory to keep inside the hermetically sealed Life-Savr Tent™ at all times, but the cops were busy beating up an old lady who had refused to don a mask, so Joel took the opportunity to lower the flap and get some fresh air inside. He was a rebel!

"Coming through! Out of my way, unwashed proles!"

Mark watched his beer intently. This was the sixth one he'd ordered, and the first one he was going to finish before the drunk guy next to him bumped his social distancing tube and spilled it again. And every time he turned around to order another, he spilled someone else's.

Julie felt safe in her circle of trust, as long as she didn't think about it too much. As long as she put on a smile and tried to push those thoughts out of her mind. There was just one thing that gnawed at her about this brave new world: loneliness.

The air inside was getting stale, saturated with carbon dioxide. There had to be a way out, and fast. But no matter how high Luanne reached, she could not quite reach the escape hatch to escape from her flimsy, plastic prison.

Wally was so concerned about his health he couldn't remember the last time he'd turned down seconds of wholesome, calorie-filled food, or set foot in one of those germ-infested plague traps they referred to as "fitness centers."

Not all of these tables are far enough away from each other to prevent the spread of disinformation. Someone's getting fired.

Just when Lee started becoming suspicious the muzzles weren't working, the school mandated they all wear "safety hats." He wasn't very old, but he had seen construction men working, and their safety hats were very, very different.

"It's so good seeing you again, Ethel!"

"Yes, it is, Barbara. I'd love to give you a hug like in the old days, but I'm afraid the police will shove us to the ground and pepper spray us."

"They say it's for our safety, Ethel!"

The new confines were nicer than the old prison, but the detonation collars that activated when one stepped outside a circle sometimes shorted out for no reason. Five more circles had been made available just in the last week.

Jenny was beginning to question some of the dress code mandates of the cult.

"Yes, I'd like another hot cocoa, but this time make it way too hot. It was just right last time, and... well..."

"Out of my way, unclean human! Vaccinated individual coming through! Don't you dare violate my personal space!"

"I have the idol for my shrine. Do you?"

"Haha, no we're totally safe! We're wearing masks! Cheers!"

The masks chafed her face and gave her a little cough, and the funny hats were always catching on doorways and making her bang into things and hurt herself, but Lulu took comfort in knowing her teacher was the best epidemiologist in the entire school.

"Look at me. Do you see why I've pulled you over? Not only are you wearing only masks, you're out on a day you are not authorized to be out."

"Do you know how bad for your health it is to be out when unauthorized?"

As Irene shuffled back to her studio flat with the day's groceries in hand, sweat pooling around her ankles from the protective suit, she wondered why nobody wanted to come around to visit anymore. Not that she'd let them, no no! But she'd like to see them want to, nonetheless.

"Bumped another guy into the bay!"

"Bought us drinks first, though!"

"Cheers!"

"Alright, boys! Everyone got your helmets and spiked maces? Good! Another long day of beating sick people ahead of us, so conserve your energy!"

Fashion in this brave new world had taken a turn. It wasn't a turn Eric would have predicted, but it was certainly trend-setting. And it was comfortable enough if one had strong neck muscles, and didn't mind contortionism on the way inside to the pub's bathroom.

"Yup. That oughta do it. People are safe now."

"Nope. None in this bag. How about that one?"

"This one's clean too."

"What? Yeah, I know. I had to rip a hole in it and get my nose out so I could get some fresh air. I'm safe, though!"

"Get back home! Today is NOT your authorized day out!"

The cultists of the brave new world danced, raising their hands in the air, worshiping their brave new leader. They had taken the Soma®. They were now true believers.

Jun knew with all seven vaccinations and the entire box of masks, he was statistically unlikely to catch a cold, but still he wondered whether he should wrap a plastic bag around his face, just to be sure. After all, one could never be too careful in today's brave new world!

"I SAID, 'please proceed to the fumigation station!'"

"Now remember, fellas. We're doctors, so we'll need a really grand entrance. Long runway, wide-angle cameras, hip music, smoke machines, the works!"

"Wear that mask correctly, or we'll kneel on your neck for nine and a half minutes!"

"I am to be respected, you uncultured swine! Bow before me or I will have you suicided!"

"No sir, looks like he's just passed out drunk. Yes, I know, it would make for some great propaganda shots. I'll get the rest of the crew."

"This X-Men movie better not suck! I ain't waiting in a two-mile-long line for another woke movie!"

This year's memorial ceremony felt a little too much like a reenactment, to tell the truth, Greg thought as the plane roared toward the towering skyscrapers.

"Ma'am, ma'am! Stop yelling you're 'king of the world' and let me do my job. I just have to spray you down with disinfectant and you can go on your way!"

There were roving bands of feral lab scientists in this brave new world. Take a wrong turn and they would have you cornered, no where to run but to try and make it through them. Few did. And they were particular to that little-mentioned "alternative method" of swabbing.

"Naw, I'm just not a hypochondriac."

In this brave new world, doctors were at such a premium that the Hatchery began rolling out a line of synthetics to stock the hospitals. The only downside was how long they had to cure in the sun before animation.

"You are not authorized to leave your homes, subjects! Next time we see you in public, we will use bullets instead!"

"I don't understand. She was so healthy."

Jim believed in science. He had a small picture of the Smithsonian dangling from the rear view mirror and his Doctor Fauci bobblehead riding shotgun on the seat beside him to prove it. Science (or was it the internet?) said viruses weren't smart enough to navigate a dryer vent.

This brave new world was dangerous. Sure, there was that flu bug going around, but the biggest danger was not knowing all the rules. Forget your mask, right to jail. Go shopping, right to jail. Visit a park, right to jail. Go for a walk, yes, you guessed it, right to jail.

"Oh, this stuff we're spraying? No, it's totally safe! You're going to be perfectly fine if you breathe it. Watch out for the dead dog behind you."

Judy was really starting to regret Taco Bell's Fourth Meal™ the previous night.

Joe was excited about his new health device. FitBit™ just wasn't enough anymore. And the pair of gentlemen who had given it to him had even thrown in blue gloves to match their own. They had looked a bit scary, but they had his best interests at heart.

Finally Debbie found an activity she excelled at!

"This is for your health! Why don't you take us seriously?"

"I am keeping you safe and healthy!"

"Why yes, it's matching. It's just so trendy now."

"Mummy says I'm safe now!"

In this brave new world of cinematographic flops, none flopped harder than Ghostbusters 2021. Not even the one with the feminists.

"Get back home or we will send you to the hospital instead!"

Grover had tried everything from begging to coercion, and nothing had worked so far. Women in this brave new world just weren't interested. His well-moisturized hands clutching his cardboard sign, he timidly joined the feminists, hoping for one last shot at a nod of pity.

"Naw, that's okay, Jorge. These are being shipped to America."

It wasn't really that it made Becky feel safer; she could feel her breath whooshing in and out along the sides of her face and under her glasses. It was just that it finally gave her a personality.

<No, Mom. I'm very concerned about my health. That's why I wear masks!>

"Is the floor clean, Ali?"

"Clean? Why would it need to be clean?"

"Bang! You're dead, COVID!"

And now you too can shoot COVID dead* with our new COVID-B-Gone Ejaculator Pistol™ at just $35.99 each! Don't waste time with old-fashioned spray bottles! Pre-order now!

*virus stays dead for 24 hours maximum; offer void where not mandated by law.

"It's just so fashionable nowadays!"

"Hey boss, these are biodegradable, right?"

Kiki was excited to get back online. Her special subscribers had missed her so much, and she'd lost so much clout in this brave new world, she didn't know if she'd ever get it back. Thankfully, this new personality looked promising.

"It's just that this one is far more comfortable than those icky sterile hospital ones. It makes me feel safer, and isn't that really the whole point? To feel safer?"

"Yeah, I'm going to have to ask you to put on a mask. You're endangering my health!"

"You need to wear this to protect me, honey."

"But Mommy, why aren't you wearing one?"

"Sometimes grownups can do things children can't. You'll understand when you get older."

"You gotta make sure you get a tight suction on it. Really make sure it's tucked tight under your chin, and your nose is as far in as possible!"

"Attention Delta Children: remain on your assigned number. Failure to obey will result in the loss of all outdoor activity privileges. Keep your muzzles on. Failure to obey will result in detention and permanent muzzle mandates."

Gary was sad. He used to love coming out here to sit on the benches to get some fresh air and sunshine on his breaks. Now they were deemed high risk areas and had to be quarantined from the public.

Carlos loved Maria more than almost anything in the world. "'Til death do you part," the priest had said. Carlos just wished he could see her without anything on before that happened, but that seemed an impossible dream. They could never be too safe, after all.

"Guys, guys! Check this out, guys! I'm reading in the instruction manual here, and it says if we get a whole bunch of people in here to protest racism or something, we don't have to wear these silly suits anymore!"

Attention shoppers: you are required by mandate to submit to appropriate injections and wear full protective gear upon entering this facility. No more than twenty individuals inside at one time, and your time limit is ten minutes. Compliance is mandatory.

Plastic, once the cause of society's demise, was now its cure in this brave new world. Wrapping everything in this lifesaving commodity fixed every one of the world's woes.

As she finished picking the foreign matter from her two thousandth mask, Nikela had a sudden thought: she might have forgotten to sanitize the table. She couldn't remember!

Carl wasn't sure how effective the spray was in protecting these particular people against a deadly cold virus, but his boss had insisted he do it. "It's science!" he'd exclaimed, explaining the magic to Carl.

Becky and Herb had "something olde, something new, something borrowed, something blue, and a sixpence in your shoe," as the Old English rhyme went. And yet, the day was not quite as she had imagined.

Theodore was happier than he had been in years. It was a warm, sunny day, flowers were in full bloom, and the scent of damp, semi-sterile cotton that filled his lungs wasn't as stifling as usual. It felt good to get out and exercise after over a year and a half of confinement.

"Plastic surfaces are so susceptible to contamination," Nurse Nancy thought. "We're gonna go through a whole tub of Clorox wipes if we want to save him!"

"No, I'm not actually a doctor. I just play one at the airport."

"Hey boss! Where should I put all this highly contagious medical waste? Just in the dumpster with the rest of 'em?"

Amy was annoyed. She'd specified their favorite table in the reservation, but when they arrived, it had already been given away. She and Joe had offered to wait, but the staff told them they couldn't rush the other guests, and there was no telling how long they'd be there.

Priya was so glad she was able to work in such a sterile, sanitized environment. So many people had to seek employment in grungy, cluttered, and contaminated work spaces in this brave new world.

Thanks to the largely unpraised efforts from frontline decontaminators, the brave new world could breathe easy once again.

"Covid, The Musical" was doing poorly on Broadway. Hardly any tickets had sold, but the actors bravely forged onward. They had to. Any work at all would put food on the table in this brave new world.

"Oh crap, Lenny! I dropped the virus! Help me find it quick!"

🎶You down with PPE (Yeah you know me)
Who's down with PPE (Every last homie)
You down with PPE (Yeah you know me)
Who's down with PPE (All the homies)🎶

"AAAAHHH! Get back, you unclean carrier of disease and pestilence!"

"Dude, relax. I'm just trying to fix your ripped sleeve."

"Let's recreate that scene from that Leslie Neilson movie, Jim. You know the one."

"No, well you see Joe, the smaller virus particles stay trapped inside the mask, while the larger smoke particles are able to escape into the air around me. It's science!"

"Dance faster, Dan! His lungs are clearing!"

"Sorry, mate. No matter how many times you tell us it was for groceries and that you had no food at home, we're still going to inform you that you were not authorized to be outside your domicile today."

"You see, while masks keep you safe, these suits keep you even safer!"

"I wear a mask because I'm concerned about my health!"

"But if I'm wearing one to protect you, how's come you're not wearing one to protect me?"

"What?"

"No really, they're not condoms. Just put your arms through them. Never mind the lubricant. It washes off with soap."

Clowns were kept in plastic cages in this brave new world, but plastic turned out to be a terrible choice of building materials. Sometimes unwitting victims ventured too close and were snatched and devoured right through the barrier.

"Welcome to the food court. Papers, please."