Thread by @NBedera

Today feels like an especially important day to talk about how to support a friend in an abusive relationship. A thread.

There are two things that matter more than anything else: do not judge and always be there.

One of the hardest things about leaving an abusive relationship is worrying that people will see you as "weak" and start to ask questions about "why you let it happen" or "why you stayed."

The most important friend a thing can do is be supportive.

It is HARD to recognize that a relationship is becoming abusive and it is HARD to leave. In fact, it can be dangerous. Survivors are the expert on whether or not it's safe to go and, as a friend, you need to trust their judgment.

Even, and especially, if it's hard for you.

This means standing by a friend who once told you they were in danger and later changes the story. That means standing by a friend who leaves and then goes back. That means standing by a friend who leaves one abuser to start a relationship with another.

Abuse is full of contradictions. (That's how gaslighting works.) A friend will roll with them.

That might look like saying:

"Friend, I don't care who you're with. I'm always on your team. And I trust you. You know what is best for you. And if you change your mind, I'll still recognize you as the expert on you."

Or:

"How do YOU feel about what happened? I'm on your side--let's work through this together."

This is really, really key because one of the main ways that abuse works is through isolation. Survivors who feel judged will avoid friendships with the people judging them.

Especially if their abuser is eager to get them alone.

And that's the other big piece of advice: don't give up.

There's no way around it--abuse strains relationships. Friends in abusive relationships will cancel last minute or stand you up. It will happen a lot.

Abusers interfere in plans. They convince the victim they need them at home or threaten to punish them for going out. They get in a victim's head and convince them no one really wants to see them.

To help a friend, you have to persevere. Be patient. Be flexible.

If a friend cancels, that might look like saying:

"I'm sorry we missed each other this time, but I know that stuff can come up. I miss you and I look forward to when we can see each other. And don't forget we can always text until whenever that is."

Or if you're already texting back and forth:

"Hey--I miss you! Any chance you're free now? A phone call or I could even jump in the car to come see you. No pressure, but it would be fun to do something spontaneous with you!"

Say happy birthday. Send pictures of sweet memories when you come across them. Do all the little stuff you would do to let someone know you're thinking of them, you love them, and their friendship matters to you.

And when you have the opportunity, share info about abuse. In the era of social media, there are a lot of ways to make materials available for whenever your friend is ready. Post resources on Facebook. Do a training. Make it known that you'll be there for anyone who needs you.

Don't push this stuff on anyone. Don't single anyone out. But if asked, have it available and ready to go. Offer to help your friend dig up the information they need if they ever ask for help.

And honestly, if you make it obvious to your community that you're a supportive ear, you may come to realize you knew a lot more victims than you realized. You may help more people than the friend you originally had in mind.

Finally--and most importantly--let the victim stay in control. It will be the opposite of how their abuser treats them and it will stand in stark contrast.

Don't pressure them. Don't make them do anything they don't want to do. Trust their judgment. Just be there.

Have more questions? I'm doing a Q&A here:

I've been thinking about this all day and I want to add one more thing: your support cannot stop when the relationship is over. For a lot of survivors, that will be the hardest and most dangerous period of time.

A lot of people know now that the year after leaving an abusive relationship poses the greatest risk of murder, but it also poses a lot of other risks. Suicide. Drug and alcohol abuse. Self-harm.

A lot of survivors will only begin to understand the violence in the relationship after they have left and they will need support through that. It's to heavy and it's so scary and it's so hard. Make sure you're still there.

Help them connect with a therapist or a group. Find books to help them understand and validate their experience. Let them know you--unlike their abuser--aren't going to "get tired" of offering help.

And now, a thread for how to take care of yourself: