Thread by @YUKOWAS

To “know myself”
Two kinds of movement share my Presence: a movement toward the source and a movement toward life. I need to see and remember that I belong to two levels. I can become conscious only when I feel a reality that is higher than myself,

when I recognize that without it I am noth­ ing and have no force to resist being taken by identification. Then I can open to this reality and consciously receive its action, be nourished by it. But this requires an attitude that I cannot maintain.

Always I return to the feeling of my ordinary "I," which does not understand that it must serve. This "I” is blind. It believes itself free and always returns to its slavery. When I see my situation, I begin to understand this illusion of “I,” which is fed by my life force,

and to feel the need for a new attitude toward myself. The initial effort is to free my attention from identifica­ tion. But there is no solidity, no stability. I need to find the effort that will allow the formation of a central core,

a more stable center of grav­ ity of my attention. In order for me to remain related to the two levels, my attention must be entirely mobilized and maintained in two direc­ tions at the same time. The power of divided energy is my power of attention.

We do not value enough the short moments when we are situated between two forces. At each step in remembering ourselves, we en­ counter doubt. I doubt myself, I doubt a more real part of me, I doubt that I can find help— possibilities higher than what I know.

It is here that I need to be true in the face of the lie present even in my best mo­ ments. I have to struggle with doubt until something gives up. Then help appears which calls me to remain true to maintaining the relation with a higher energy.

It is not necessary to come always to an exalted state, only to a level at which I can stay present a little longer. Simply remaining above the level of sleep— a little higher but in a way that has some stability— is itself extraordinary.

It constantly jars something in us that awakens. We need to know what we are— either an uncon­ scious slave or a conscious servant. Our attention has no center of gravity. It is not magnetized by a force that has some authority, some power over it,

and continues to run wherever it is called. Perhaps here I see that I am not available be­ cause my attention is not available. I am unable to be more collected in myself, more inside, and at the same time to be more outside. So, what is required?

The inner reality is the source of my life, but I have also an absolute need to project myself outside. If I can see this inner reality as acting like a magnet, I will see the outside as an opposing attraction, another magnet. Then maybe Iwill understand what attention means.

It is an energy that connects me both with the source and with the outside world, and permits me to receive knowledge, that is, to know.
We use the word “know” so much that it does not mean anything. But when we say "I wish to know myself,”

we are not speaking about acquiring conceptual knowledge, something learned once and for all, then recalled passively. We are speaking of a very intense and active ac­ tion. After the first shock of Presence, of awaking and coming back to myself,

there is a struggle to stay in front of two movements, two levels in myself. With the need for this Presence to last, there is a second shock, the awakening of a new feeling, a new wish, a will. In order to continue knowing myself and not disappear, I will this Presence to last.

The result of effort is always foreordained. It is determined, has to come as a consequence of laws. What occurs is not always what we might expect. This means the effort was not as it should have been. With a right effort, the result will always come, in due course.