Thread by @renkiger_

[Thread]
“though I always tell myself that
I got better, stronger, to trust & believe in myself, I still end up collapsing & it's very difficult to do anything abt it…
+
Namjoon Fancafe 20160510 ltr after May 7/8 start of The Most Beautiful Moment in Life On Stage: Epilogue tour

“And I still feel afraid. A lot of you guys probably feel the same, right? There's nothing more terrifying than properly admitting that you are "afraid"…
+
Namjoon Fancafe 2016.05.10

“But now I've come to realize little by little that there are so many people standing by my side. I've thought over and over that from now on, I want to offer you my hand and help you up whenever you fall down…
+
Namjoon Fancafe 2016.05.10

“I hope that someday, you’ll be able to hear melodies & vibrations even deeper than the tears I shed during this concert. Until then my head is going to ache & I'll need a lot of courage. Even so, I'll press on, diligently.
Please trust me a bit more”
Namjoon Fancafe 2016.05.10
+

But it was just a couple months later, on July 23, 2016, at the Beijing stop of the HYYH Epilogue Tour, that Namjoon couldn’t finish a concert. BH released a statement, explaining he’d had difficulty breathing and received medical on site. They said it was due to the heat
+

[Tangent]
Antis etc tried to spread that C-fans were mad (I’ve seen this old narrative pop up recently again, idk why) Anyway. ARMYs at the time posted footage of the concert response to the announcement: they chanted 김남준 사랑해 for him, over & over🥺
+

[Back to thread]
For almost 2 years we thought it had just been heat/exhaustion. On April 18, 2018 we learned what had rly happened:
“Suddenly I became afraid of standing up on the stage. The sight of it. Like ‘what am I doing here?’”
Ep 5 Burn the Stage series (filmed in 2017)
+

[Tangent2]
Joon also explained that whatever happened to him in Beijing (maybe a panic attack? none of us can say) is when he started not being able to enjoy things “when he was supposed to” (ie in the moment)
He also mentioned similar feeling in Aug 2018 in his ltr to himself⤵️+

[Back to thread]
Namjoon touched again on fears, generally, in his September 2018 UN speech:
“I have many faults and I have many more fears, but I’m going to embrace myself as hard as I can, and I’m starting to love myself, gradually, just little by little.”
+

At the April 16, 2019 Persona release press con Namjoon spoke of an “episode” when bright stage lights and an audience had scared him, made him want to escape:
“One day I found these lights so scary. It seemed too bright, it felt like it was hurting my eyesight. It was so scary
+

“The authority of light was [so scary]…There was a time I was scared of audiences. Because the lights are so strong, I can’t see ppl under the stage clearly, but they’re watching my facial expressions & actions under the bright light. That made me scared…I wanted to escape it
+

“But, I’ve got way more things I want to achieve in this position…the energy I get from fans, the positive energy I give to fans are greater than my urge to escape from responsibilities & pressure…I can’t say I overcame those feelings, I still live with them.
+

“But thinking that “I have way more precious things [to protect] relieves the pressure and responsibility”
- Namjoon April 16, 2019 Persona album release press conference

“It’s scary. It really is. I don’t want to shy away from expressing my fears. The uncertainty is what makes all of this scary. And there are so many people watching us. It’s really scary, nerve-wracking, and frightening.”
+
- Namjoon in 2019 (Break the Silence Ep 6, May 26, 2020)

“There are many kinds of fears. I’ve thought about it a lot. About the different kinds of fears, and what kinds of fears I have…
+
- Namjoon in 2019 (Break The Silence Movie, Sept 2020)

“I’m not someone who is completely perfect or ethical, or worthy of being an inspiration to so many ppl. I don’t see myself as someone who deserves to have so much influence. So there’s the fear of not knowing exactly what ship I’m sailing on…
+
- Namjoon Break The Silence Movie

“Then there’s the fear of ‘What do I do if I fall from here?’ ‘What if I go mad?’ There’s that fear…
+
- Namjoon Break The Silence Movie

“Now that we’re in the world’s spotlight, from the clothes I wear, to the background behind me that’s captured on camera, to the interviews, to the lyrics, everything feels like it’s being scrutinized, including myself as a person…
+
- Namjoon Break The Silence Movie

“Then, there’s also the fear of how well I’m taking care of myself, Kim Namjoon, as a person…what do I really have?…So for me, there’s a fear about whether I’m faithfully living the story of my life to the fullest.”
+
- Namjoon Break The Silence Movie

“I don't want to make myself into a weak person, nor let fear consume me and swallow me whole. So when I go to the museum, grow plants and ride my bike, it's all part of a fight to keep myself from going insane.”

- Namjoon Break The Silence Movie

[Tangent3]
Pls listen to Namjoon’s Bicycle (2021)🥺
“Riding a bicycle always makes my heart flutter, but…I always feel somewhat sad. Perhaps it’s because there are many things I long for…[it’s]
one of the rare times, when I feel the freest physically”
+
soundcloud.app.goo.gl/fg4nQx1moBzdRe…

[Back to thread]
Like lots my threads I don’t think there’s a real point😬 aside from hoping ppl, esp newer ARMYs, watch/read content in full. BTS share SO much over time. Rewatching content is also so rewarding to see connections, understand context, and maybe them, a bit more
+

Oh! Also, Joon’s 2016.05.10 fancafe letter was one of many times he’s referred to wanting to become a stronger person, which he just mentioned in his 2021.11.04 Weverse ltr “I still need quite a few years until I can become the strong person I’ve long worked towards becoming…”
+

I also had a short thread on my old account of BTS talking abt “fears” after 2020 end of year shows because the word was included in VCRs. I didn’t (and still don’t) have any new music or album theories on it😅 this thread is rly just pointing out they’ve talked abt it for yrs…+

End:
In Dec 2020 BE review JK, joking abt Disease lyrics😂, but said
“I want to say this to the members. Get rid of your fear. What are you so afraid of?…Get rid of your fear. We can get thru this together. There's nothing to fear. Get rid of your fear”💜

I don’t intend to make this a running thread, but this feels an important add to the thread’s ‘theme’

“What I can do as RM could be comforting them, or I could also make them sad…but by showing them my fears and melancholic side I want to impact people in some way”