It wouldn’t be Christmas without shoving your mitts in the famous tin and having a good rummage around.
Here's what your favourite choc says about you
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🍫Orange Creme
It's what once passed for Continental sophistication on our grim rainy island. The ’70s were great, weren’t they? All Ford Capris and plastic furniture. Are policemen looking younger?
If this is your favourite: You’re a pensioner, or looking forward to being one
🍫The Purple One
Until 2016, you could make a little joke about ‘The Purple One’ being a bit like the other ‘Purple One’: sexy popstar Prince. Then Prince died. So it became awkward.
If this is your favourite: You’re a dinky Minneapolitan with carefully tended chest hair
🍫The Green Triangle
Easy to spot in the tin, you can simply point at it with your foot, and whoever is looking after you over Christmas can unwrap it and pop it in your mouth.
If this is your favourite: You’re a dimwit, not good with words, or an alcoholic
🍫The Chocolate Toffee Finger
It's a tooth-filling-pulling delight you can nibble demurely from one end, or shove in widthwise all in one go, like a wild mustang being forced to accept its first bit.
If this is your favourite: You’re a no-holds-barred thrillseeker. Nice one!
🍫Vanilla Fudge
No messing about with this one. It’s fudge, yeah? Fudge, mate. FUDGE. Hands up who likes fudge. No one. Yeah.
If this is your favourite: You’re not sure what fudge is
🍫Caramel Swirl
It's a chocolatey version of a 1968-style psychedelic wig-out, in that it sounds pretty fucking mind-blowing, but is actually just kind of ho-hum.
If this is your favourite: You’re a crazy retro-futurist (and wear cord Pop Boutique flares)
🍫Toffee Penny
It's a confectionery abomination. Disgustingly nude in a tin of chastely chocolate-clothed sweeties, its texture is like the top of a very very old man’s head.
If this is your favourite: You’re a weirdo. Don’t come round mine at Christmas
🍫Milk Chocolate Block
You’re in the queue in Sainsbury’s. You know the drill. What are you thinking about? Post-Christmas-dinner washing-up. You’re a martyr, and the unbelievably down-in-the-mouth Milk Chocolate Block is for you.
If this is your favourite: You’re a killjoy
🍫Strawberry Delight
With the amount of sugar that’s in this baby, you could make the corpse of Willy Wonka into marmalade. It’s like spice for nans. Do not give it to kids. Ever.
If this is your favourite: You’re a dangerously mood-shifting lunatic
🍫Orange Chocolate Crunch
It’s fucking octagonal. The investment needed to churn out this beauty might explain why the Toffee Penny is hairless. It’s lush, honest and makes evidence disappear.
If this is your favourite: You’re freemason and/or a bent copper
🍫Coconut Éclair
First things first: the Coconut Éclair is not a mini Bounty. Instead, it harks back to an era of sexual possibilities, relaxed drink-driving laws and untamed hair – tonsorial, pubic and other.
If this is your favourite: You’re a dreamer, and we love you
🍫RIP: Honeycomb Crunch
Like an ‘EastEnders’ character who’d just been released from prison, the Honeycomb Crunch turned up suddenly a few Christmases ago, and immediately caused mayhem.
If this is your favourite: You’re a big man, but you’re out of shape
🍫RIP Toffee Deluxe
Forced into exile by the Honeycomb Crunch, it was back for 2017. In possibly the lamest piece of confectionery marketing ever, Nestlé announced its reinstatement in a news story.
If this is your favourite: You’re the blinkin’ King or Queen of Christmas
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