Thread by @LaurynIpsum

It’s Christmas Day!! It’s time to reflect on the true meaning of Christmas. It’s the thing that I think we forget due to its commercialization:

CHRISTMAS . IS . HAUNTED

And with that, I bring you another round of cursed Victorian Christmas cards! 🎄

As mentioned in the previous thread, food coming to life was a common issue. The disposition of your dinner could vary greatly. Sometimes it was jolly and just wanted to dance and spread holiday cheer!

But more often than not, it wanted revenge. This last card shows one particularly brave slab of meat(?) being nighted after defeating a family of fifteen! Animals were known to join & fight on the side of Christmas dinner, knowing they could be the next dinner if they didn’t act.

Everything seemed to come to life around this time of year. Even the land itself.

Do you hear that rustling? Did you think you saw something moving out of the corner of your eye?

You’re not imagining things. Your Christmas ornaments are sentient. They’ve been watching.

Speaking of watching, we need to talk about Santa.

“He sees you when you're sleeping
He knows when you're awake
He knows if you've been bad or good
So be good for goodness sake”

That sounds like a threat…

(It is)

We’ve let our guards down in more recent years, but in the late 1800’s, wanting their freedom to cry and pout as they do wished, people fought back against the tyranny of old St. Nick.

This led to a few unfortunate cases of elder abuse due to mistaken identity.

It was a time of havoc and chaos. People dumping their chamber pots out on unsuspecting carolers, illegal hog races, and of course let’s not forget the great black ant vs red ant war of 1893. So many lives lost…

And the clowns. So many clowns. Too many clowns.

Pigs resorted to idol worship to pray for their safety, while moths tried their hands at witchcraft. Lobsters were seen walking in miles long processions. No one knew to where or exactly why, but I’ll tell you this, lobster was never a main course at Christmas dinner after that.

Frogs thrived off the chaos. It was truly an amphibian Renaissance. Many of the Christmas carols we sing today were written by frogs of the late 1800’s.

If you thought you were at least safe from your presents, you were sorely mistaken. Anything touched by Christmas cheer would inevitably spring to life.

On the occasions that sentient toys became malevolent, the best course of action was to abandon them in the woods where they would freeze. They can’t hurt you if they can’t catch you, and they can’t catch you if they’re frozen.

Odd things happened out in those woods. You see, that’s what happens as Christmas cheer spreads. The madness spreads too.

Little known fact: when too much Christmas cheer gets into the soil, flowers begin growing with human features.

This? We don’t talk about this…

A lot happened back then that we choose not to talk about today. It’s better that way.

And with that I wish you all a merry christmas everyone. Have some more dead birds.

So many dead birds.
So so many…

P.S. if you ever see a sign like this, it’s a trap. It’s always a trap.

Of course you *think* you can do it, but that doesn’t mean it’s going to end well…