Thread by @aubrey_li

Inspired by the recent real-life experience of @_ceesaw buying @SBDLWJ0523 a present, and with their kind permission, I present (lol) to you The Carrot Dildo Incident: a threadfic.

It all starts when LWJ acquires some rabbits. WWX, supportive roommate that he is, decides to celebrate this event by buying LWJ some rabbit-related gifts -- pet supplies, some treats, and this novelty carrot from Etsy:

etsy.com/listing/884464…

When the package arrives, a week later, WWX realizes 2 things:

1) Etsy has a rule that sex toys sold on the site must be listed as novelty items

2) WWX, being an engineer, is far more used to cm than he is with inches, and has perhaps made some assumptions about the dimensions

Faced with the panic that comes with the horrible realization that he's just bought LWJ 1) a carrot dildo, and 2) a GIANT carrot dildo, WWX does the only thing he can: he tells LWJ that the carrot dildo is for himself. Not for LWJ, haha, nope, all for Wei Ying and Wei Ying alone!

(please find attached to this post some visual references for the aforementioned carrot dildo)

Unbeknownst to WWX, his newly acquired carrot dildo, and his carrot dildo-induced panic attack, LWJ also makes some assumptions as a result of this conversation. Namely:

1) WWX is a size queen

2) WWX would thus have no interest in LWJ, because LWJ's dick is too small for him

This misunderstanding is perpetuated by the way ordering the carrot dildo permanently messes up WWX's Etsy and Google algorithms.

When WWX shows LWJ something on Youtube, the preview ad is a kindly narrated commercial about how you DON'T have to live with erectile dysfunction.

When WWX wants to show LWJ a gift idea on Etsy for NHS's birthday, they both have to politely ignore the fact that all of WWX's recommended items are lingerie, sex toys, and bondage gear.

There's also the fact that the carrot dildo is always just THERE, prominently displayed in WWX's room because WWX can't put it away now, he made such a big deal about how much he liked it when he first opened the package!

But that means LWJ is left glaring at it sadly every time he walks by, and then being annoyed at himself for glaring because even he can see that it's ridiculous to feel insecure about his dick because of a silicone carrot.

This continues until one day, NHS does his periodic check-in call with LWJ about how his "unrequited" pining for WWX is going (he's trying to be supportive, and also has a lot of money in the betting pool).

LWJ: I do not believe Wei Ying returns my feelings.
NHS: lol that's not what his priv twt and our dm history would say, but go on, elaborate
LWJ: Wei Ying's size preferences are incompatible with my existing physical measurements.
NHS:

NHS has basically grown up alongside LWJ since their brothers are BFFs, and so was around when LWJ's puberty hit and his dick grew three sizes seemingly overnight. Naturally, he assumes that WWX had finally caught a glimpse of said dick and got scared off.

So he messages WWX.

NHS: you know, wei-xiong normally I'm 100% team xian for the wangxian divide but I have to say, I'm kind of disappointed with you this time
WWX: ??
NHS: I never took you for a coward
WWX: ??????

And then NHS explains the conversation he'd just had with LWJ.

As it turns out, WWX IS a size queen, thank you, and is so indignant at the idea of anyone -- ESPECIALLY LWJ -- thinking he's a dick coward that he barges into LWJ's room with his toy box in hand. "How dare you think my hole is weak," WWX says, dumping out his toys.

WWX is 3 (respectably large) dildos into his rant about the structural integrity of his hole when he looks up and sees that LWJ is just staring at him, eyes wide, face tomato red.
Which is how they both realize that they might have each missed crucial parts of this conversation.

WWX: you DON'T think my hole is weak
LWJ: I have the utmost respect for the integrity of your hole
WWX: so when you said that my size preferences are incompatible with your physical measurements...?
LWJ:
WWX:
LWJ: the carrot
WWX:
LWJ:

WWX: okay I need to tell you something and you have to promise me you won't laugh--

LWJ doesn't laugh. He does, however, after a few more minutes of illuminating conversation, pin WWX to the bed and take off his own pants.

WWX: oh wow😳
LWJ, known bitch: is it too small?

And then they bang, and WWX is able to demonstrate the integrity of his hole, multiple times, with enthusiasm and admirable vigour.

The carrot dildo stays on the shelf.

THE END