Thread by @LeModFootball

"For several years I have secretly owned a football club, upsetting supporters with increasingly elaborate pranks"

#BSHLOUT

"And what was the name of this football club?

"The name? It was actually Birmingham City Football Club, a club in the Midlands"

"Okay, and you said it was a secret? But surely you had to be there on a day-to-day basis?"

"No, I kinda ran it from me bedroom, or me garden, like on the phone, emails, fax machine, I had mates there to tell people what to do"

"So I assume your friends knew how to run a football club? There was a certain level of competency there?"

"Er not really, no, but it were a laugh like, my friend Dongy, he didn't know football like but he helped to sign the players. We sacked all of the scouts, cause he knew a French kid who watched matches on a laptop, I can't remember his name, let's call him Pierre Tactics"

"Dong, you know, he was a right character, he got well into like, he would dress up in full football tracksuit, with his initials on, and stand next to the training pitch telling the actual football manager how to coach "

"And when his cover was blown, presumably you had to sack him? You couldn't make it too obvious, go too far too soon?"

"Not at first no, we gave him a pay rise"

"Surely the supporters saw you at games? That’s what I assume happens at association football events, people see one another?"

"I hid in a corporate box, with sandwiches, pork pie, luncheon meat, lovely. I'd go in there with me other mate who helped run the club"

"And his name? The other friend you mention"

"You know his name was actually Eddie Zheng"

"Never ask him the name of anything!"

"You know Zhengy, he was genuinely a car salesman before I got him to run the football team, he did all sorts, he once went on the internet and offered to fight people in the stadium car park"

"He offered to fight people? And the fans, they continued to support the team?"

"Oh yeah, well they tried to, two of the stands were closed cause they were collapsing, asbestos and that, the stands were crumbling, like pastry on a rally driver's meat pie"

"Did you damage the stands for your own amusement? It wasn't long lasting damage from the war or anything?"

"No, it's complicated. The bloke who owned it before, he was a hairdresser who went to prison. The blokes before him, they sold sex stuff to perverts. The sex blokes got the stands built, but very cheaply, I think they used a mixture of cement and broken biscuits"

"Well this is quite an organisation, I presume the team hasn't been performing well during this time?"

"No pretty naff like, there was one year where we were doing well, so we broke the league rules, got 9 points deducted and sacked the manager"

"This is mental, what you gonna do next, is there some kinda plan?"

"Er not really no, we just sort of own it. One time we announced we were closing down the club's academy. All the kids in the teams we were closing down, they cried their eyes out. The next day we just went on the internet and said we were only joking"

Not long before that we renamed the stadium the 'Trillion Trophy Stadium, then I immediately sold it to me Nephew, Pech, and made the club pay rent, so again, the pranks were constant""

"So David's team, is it a lie?"

"If this is true, you are properly messed up in the nut, let me tell ya"

"I think it's fair to say that for sure this would never happen in the German Football World"

"We think it's implausible, we're going to say it's a lie"

"I was telling… the truth"

"Yes, Birmingham have been secretly ran from a bedroom for several years, being subjected to a series of pranks & jokes. Seriously, don't try this at home, if somebody is out there, a billionaire with good intentions, please just put them out of their misery & put a stop to this"