Thread by @paul_griffiths

Heather Morgan & Ilya Lichtenstein were arrested by DOJ today for embezzling 120,000 Bitcoins, or $3.6B in BTC/USD

Forget the crypto heist, I want to talk abt Heather's rap ego Razzlekhan, & video “Versace Bedouin”

This video is epically terrible. Let's go 👇

Per YouTube description:
We wanted this video to give people a taste of what it’s like to have synesthesia, so it kind of feels like an LSD acid trip, and has a bit of the “burning man vibe.”

We open on Heather, on the mean streets of NYC

The idea is that she's the "Versace Bedouin" since she claims to be Turkish

Her rap flow is somewhere between a super drunk Iggy Azalea and Old Dirty Bastard

She raps in 11/12th time:
"mf'ing crocodile of wall street,
silver on my fingers &
boots on my feet"

She's literally at the gate of Wall Street, as a "bad ass crocodile" moneymaker and pirate "gator."

She's really deep into these large reptile themes, & while I admire the commitment, I can't determine why

Cut to, the Shining hotel with her on a kids bike

Cut back to Wall Street, where she is joined by friends who are obviously not professional dancers but girls from the lunch club lured by the vague promise of "come downtown, we'll eat after" & who are now going to see themselves pictured in court docs here, mid-dance break:

The chorus is buttoned with "leave your email at the beep," so the beep signifies we're on verse 2 which starts:

"I'm the grandmother you want to bang"

Heather Morgan, 31, sitting in a tub of glitter, talking about her GILF game*

* do not google this

The lyrical hits keep coming, with the bars:

"I'm a rapper, an economist,
a journalist, a writer and CEO,
and a dirty, dirty, dirty dirty ho"

The woman in the shower behind Heather proves, Heather's dirtiness despite the directorial choice to shoot this in a bathroom

Oh, I caught the chorus now, I missed it was so confusing it's her name x song title
something something crocodile of wall street
something silver, something boots
leave your message at the beep
beep
beep
beep

as an outro, & we're done -
a kendall roy-level cringefest

EXCEPT WE ARE ONLY HALFWAY
THERE'S ANOTHER 1:48 SECONDS
WHY HEATHER?
WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?
THIS WOULD MAKE IT AS A CLUB MIX

Verse 3, begins again "Razzlekahn, the Versace Bedouin" and honestly, she even sound bored saying it at this point

But see, Heather is a futurist. We're not at the seats of traditional power like Wall St, no we're at her home where one of her friends is

WHAT THE HELL

SERIOUSLY WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?

Is it suppose to look like VR or something cool?

Because it's some rando wearing AN EMPTY VISOR and a pretend HAGAR THE HORRIBLE HORN HAT

At this point, I can't even understand her mumble rapping - something about everyone is jealous of her nose, her riches, her t*ts -

because there's a full grown woman wearing a BEDAZZLED CHILDREN'S BIKE HELMET inside

The verse mercifully ends with a tag where Heather frankly gives up any pretense of lipsynching and just laughs, captured in the closed caption below

Oh the tag?

"I don't f with bros unless they're gay, that doesn't count... [giggle]... Gays are exempt."

*SIGH*

At 2:50, ngl, I am questioning my life choices

Also, verse 4 begins -- VERSE FOUR

At this point, they're just so lazy, they don't even change scenes

(The director is just like "sure, sure, whatever, I got to get uptown later")

Are they supposed to be having *fun* here?

2 seconds later, even Razzlekahn looks confused

She looks at the crocodile (wink, wink) with a profoundly forlorn sadness

Aren't we all capable of moments of deep self-reflection, that can strike anywhere, even in a musica video, when feel the abyss & wonder about our lives?

NOT TODAY LOSERS

cut to: Razzlekahn using a jade face roller in the tub to keep her crocodile grandma game TIGHT

I've not said a lot about the lyrics, mostly because they are whack as hell, like
"I work the edge cases / with my tools"

She mentions she's Turkish, I mean I can't rap in a second language

Then again, I didn't write
"ISIS can't handle the Kurdish"

(Note CC gave up, [MUSIC])

Ok, verse 4 (or 5?) is just more stuff she likes: Vietnam over France, taxidermy class over Jane Austin novels...

Also CC woke up to capture this gold

Then suddenly, mercifully, it's over - no final chorus, no outro, no button, except for a stupid guffaw in the end

The camera turns on its side and upside down to show OUR RIDE HERE IS DONE

PLEASE STEP OUT OF THE CAR AND COLLECT YOUR BELONGINGS

Like food poisoning, the video has run its course

It wasn't fun, you couldn't dance to it, and I hope to never watch it again

Proof that $3.6B cannot buy talent

Thank you @matthewesp for the tip & @EamonJavers for the excellent reporting

I need a detox juice cleanse now

"This song represents who I am: a badass CEO and female rapper, who's ready to take on Wall Street, Silicon Valley, and any other place that oppresses individual uniqueness and self expression."

Oh man the video got taken down so all we have is our stills everyone