Alright my darlings, it’s time.
Time for this next installment of Unhinged Victorian Greeting Cards: VALENTINE’S DAY EDITION. ❤️
Let’s start with some tamer ones.
Previously featured fish and leek
Cannibal cottage
LOBSTER
Sentient boots (ft. straw and coins)
As already covered, the lack of environmental regulations at the time meant toxic chemicals would leech into the food supply, bringing them to life.
Cursed with the knowledge that they could end up on the dinner table any day, Victorian era produce loved hard and fast.
Similar sentience issue were occasionally reported in regards to the alcohol supply, however, given the fact that these reports were almost always followed with slurred proclamations of “IM NOT EVEN THAT DRUNK”, the validity of these claims remain suspect.
Valentine’s cards of the era were often more aggressive than today.
In this first card, the sender brazenly implies his desire to kill and stuff his mate, and the second proclaims their need for fresh body parts. The third portrays a simple yet effective threat: expectant pigs
On the 14th of every year, a young blond boy was said to appear, the odd thing being that this was reported in towns world wide.
Rumor had it, those who had the misfortune of staring into their soulless eyes, never uttered another word again.
One common tradition was renting out a deeply threatening crescent moon, on which to canoodle with you sweetheart. (The inevitable feeling of dread when stared down by this beast was considered an aphrodisiac)
Another Valentine’s tradition of the era: ARTS AND CRAFTS FROM HELL.
Cupids of the time we’re known for having poor boundaries (to put it lightly). It wasn’t uncommon for them to break into the homes of their targets, or match make by force.
It was… a problem.
As I mentioned, cards of the era could be… weird. A different kind of weird though. I thought I’d start with our normal weird before diving into the darkness.
Nothing says “I love you”, quite like “you’re ugly and I hate you”
These “vinegar valentines” enjoyed popularity from the 1840’s through to the 1940’s (I’m not making this part up)
“I hate the sound of your voice/you talk too much” was a popular theme, bound to woo even the most stubborn mate.
Modern day pick-up-artists and their “negging” techniques have nothing on these Victoria era gems:
-You’ve got no chance
-No men likes you
-Everything about you is awful
-And of course, even Cupid thinks you’re a cold hearted bitch
Of course none of those hold a candle to, “I would literally die before dating you”
Rivaled only by, “have you considered jumping off a roof?”
Of course not all insults were undeserved. I’m sure we can all agree on this most heinous enemy: THE SUFFRAGETTE.
As everyone knows, voting and romance are simply incomparable (displayed in this last card with a crying Cupid)
HOW DARE.
Don’t worry, Valentine’s Day wasn’t all about telling your crush how much you hated them.
Did you know that food play originated in the late 1800’s?
I know it’s easy to view holidays as overly commercialized, so I think it’s important that we take this time to remember the true meaning of the day, as elegantly displayed with this card:
Oh and how could I forget, this arrangement of wreaths with a deeply threatening aura.
(This particular nightmare fuel has been brought to you by the museum of London archives. Blame them.)
Happy Valentine’s Day everyone.
❤️
That should have said “incompatible” on the suffragette post. I offer you this disembodied hand as penance.
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