Thread by @TullipR

Hello world, I wish I could show my face, but the truth is I'm more ashamed of how I look now then ever before.

We place flowers at scenes of heartache and loss, which is my profile picture will be a Tulip or a Rose.

I have immense loss I'd like to share my story.
#detrans

I'm in my later 30's now and I transitioned when i was 25.

I have been on hormones for all that time, and had penile inversion with scrotal graft nearly 5 years ago.

Im mildly incontinent for life now, and though i had a decent result. Its nothing like the real thing.

As a kid, I was highly sensitive and gender non-conforming. I wasn't flamboyant or overtly gay, but I knew deep down from a young age I was gay and deeply terrified of it.

Homophobia wasn't just mildly touched on in my family, everyone in the family expressed jokes, disgust and disapproval of same sex people in general. I remember my dad mocking gay people out in public, my relatives telling me not to pursue certain interests as they were 'queer'

I developed extremely bad anxiety around my sexuality, as a young person who was also autistic and gay, I just ended up removing myself from the world for years.

My online world became my sanctuary, games, forums, youtubes, whatever. I found a great deal of peace online

By my early 20's I began questioning why I was the way I was, looking for the worst possible reasoning as to why I was so wrong.

I didn't realise it wasn't me but others who were wrong, but i very much felt responsible for being the way I was.

I had always had an interest in more feminine things in life, they just looked better to me and i wanted to be attractive.

I tried imagining myself in same sex relationships and the internal disgust was so strong I outright discounted that being something i should try at least

Despite having strong crushes on some of my closest friends growing up and with Olympic grade mental gymnastics; I convinced myself I wasn't gay and attempted to pursue relationships with women, which were all non sexual...because I was gay.

At around 23, the online world had started heavily discussing trans issues and I started looking at dysphoria;
-"feeling unease with your body"
-"feeling depressed, hopeless"
-"feeling unconnected with peers"
-"feeling anxious, especially around body issues"

Woahhh! Thats me I thought and on I went online to find the trans spaces.

I found a forum called "Angels" which was directed at trans women largely.

They convinced me how easily I would "pass".
They urged me to transition now before it was "too late"

Being autistic and fairly obsessive - I latched onto the idea with an unfound zeal i had not had in years.

YES i thought, this is it - IM CERTAIN THIS IS WHAT I HAVE TO DO!

I put myself in debt and got private assessments to start Hormones. My assessments are full of errors.

Within 6 months of getting a private assessment, being adamant with Gender Services and my GP - I was able to start 10.6mg Implant to supress androgens.

Because I was on a waiting list, I had no hormones in my body for over 3 years.

By the time I had got to the gender clinic, I had became estranged from most of my family and friends.

This wasnt all because of their behaviour but mine too.

A Psychiatrist asked me if I wanted GRS - I said i hadnt thought about it much and the question came up every 6 months

In the meantime I was getting therapy I needed, and I told the therapist I was expressing doubt.

I delayed my appointment for surgery for over 2 years, because I had doubts and concerned.

I knew that if I was going to not go through GRS I would lose my therapist.

My therapist at the gender clinic didn't have the authority to tell me if i was or wasnt trans, he could only help me be more accepting with myself and i believe if i had been able to work with him for longer i wouldnt have done what i did.

facing ejection from the gender service - I said I wanted to have GRS and began the course of hair removal.

Which I had consistently delayed, part of my mind then was telling me this wasn't right.

I expressed my doubts with others, but not my family. I wish I did.

Another year of back and forth and eventually I found myself on the operation table.

Immediately after waking up from surgery I knew I had made the biggest mistake of my life.

I did it knowing it would make detransition impossible.

5 years on, I have tried to detransition.

I asked to meet with my Endo to discuss this and they have refused a face to face on several occasions.

I now have a suspicion I have Kleinfelters syndrome, but because I've had surgery, i cant get tested unless privately funded

I confronted my GP and they shrugged and simply said "There really is no guidance about this".

Even if I stopped HRT now I would still need to take HRT eventually, because I do not have gonads anymore.

My sex has been lobotomised.

I can't get help anywhere.

Some people are empathetic, but a lot of people especially in Trans spaces are hostile. They always assume I'm talking about them. They say that im "Really cis" or they say that "Just because i regret it doesnt mean i should spoil it for others".

thank goodness for @DaysGoByGoBy and the Detrans discord/reddit

I would not be here without you <3