Thread by @brkgnews

Where the f*ck are the Cranberries: An East Tennessee story (1/ )

(2/ ) We needed cranberries -- preferably fresh, but frozen would do -- for a cranberry-orange cake we make at Christmas. We put them in our Walmart order the other day but they were unable to fulfill. No worries, for cranberries can easily be obtained from other purveyors.

(3/ ) So I decide to start with my local Food Lion. As a smaller store, their selection of things is usually somewhat limited -- but they're the closest grocery store and it's miserable out. So off I go today, in the 45-degree rain, to see if they have cranberries.

(4/ ) They do not. They've got 99 holiday specialty items, but a cranberry ain't one. Frozen section has a dazzling selection of like four frozen berries, none of which identify as crans. Fine, I grumble to myself. There's a Kroger down the street. It's much larger. Surely...

(5/ ) Surely ... surely they shall have cranberries. Off I slog. I must wait five minute to turn left against oncoming traffic to get into the lot. Then, I witness three near-crashes, including two vehicles who back up at the same time -- both stop, but neither gives up and

(6/ ) pulls back into their respective spots. They just both sit there at an impasse. I give up and back up to a spot further back, further into the rain and cold. I enter the Kroger. Lovely place. totally cran-less. Their frozen aisle has all manner of bougie berries, including

(7/ ) passionfruit blends, even avocado chunks for smoothies, yet no cranberries to be found. Alas. I happen to think, well, there's a Food City just a few lots down... I don't even have to get back on the highway to get there.

(8/ ) But I've been burned before on this CranQuest. Not one to become a victim for a third time, I decide whilst standing in the Kroger frozen aisle to check the Food City website for cranberries. Success! They have them. I even pick the store on the site and

(9/ ) put them in the cart for pickup, just to verify they're really there. They are. Huzzah! I cancel out of the cart and head through the backroads to get to Food City. The lot is PACKED. Absolutely full of cars. I barely find a spot. Now, I know what you're thinking...

(10/ ) this must be the point where I get to the store and find that some little old lady has snagged the last bag of cranberries just before I got there (not unlike my pumpkin pie incident a few weeks back). And yes, that would be the next predictable plot twist. Surely that's

(11/ ) the next thing that happened to poor li'l ol' me, right? Oh, my sweet summer child.

Nah, this is what happened next.

(12/ ) I wade my way through all the cars in the lot. Past the friendly/methy chap standing by the front door (it's an ancient store and not in the most elite of locales). I make my way to to the automatic door and...

Nothing happens.

(13/ ) At this point I wonder... did I somehow die by the rutabagas at Kroger and my disembodied spirit is left wandering the earth seeking cranberries, moaning in eternal torment because I'm no longer able to trigger automatic doors? Must I spend eternity

(14/ ) being the Ghost of Cranberries Yet to Harvest, warning Ocean Spray misers of the error of their ways, lest they, too, spend eternity in a cranberry bog without waders? I am about to resign myself to my fate when I look over at the sign scrawled on the door:

(15/ ) "This store will permanently close on Tuesday, December 13 (AKA yesterfuckingday). Please visit our new location at [street address in suburban Zimbabwe]."

At this point, I'm in the same mental state as Clark Griswold when he declares that he is now on a Quest for Fun.

(16/ ) I check Google maps. The new store is "only" six minutes further west. Incrementally, a few blocks at a time, I wind up at the new Food City in Alcoa, ten miles but 30-minutes away from home in rainy traffic. Of course it's taken me an hour to get there due to stopping at

(17/ ) seventy-three grocery stores along the way. I arrive at a store so new that it's surrounded by open dirt (well, mud) fields from all the new construction. Some streets aren't even named yet, but eventually they will all be named for famous inventors like Tesla and Marconi.

(18/ ) It's grand opening day for the new store. It is SLAMMED because, I mean, what else do you do on a rainy 45 degree day but go see the new grocery store? I have to elbow my way through DOZENS of managers, presumably from other stores, brought in to watch over the new place.

(19/ ) The place is admittedly very nice -- perhaps the nicest grocery store around here. Starbucks , Sushi, Pit BBQ (though I have no idea how legit it is), plenty of fresh options, and of course it's nice and clean because it's only been open for like six hours at that point.

(20/ ) Still no cran to be found in produce, but I make my way to frozen foods and, after this entire ordeal, I finally find my white whale. One bag of frozen cranberries. I also grab a gallon of milk in what looks like a motor oil jug and a few other things.

(21/ ) I check out. I get in the car, carrying my items in my complimentary reusable commemorative tote bag emblazoned with the store's logo, city, and "grand opening" designation. Finally I head home.

(22/ ) Fuck, I was supposed to get bagels.

The End.

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