Not to worry fella. I've got your type covered.
Being the helpful person I am, I have created a parting gift for you lot.
A thread of alternative clubs for unhappy top reds -
Please forward it to the others.
Hope this helps https://t.co/RnW3yE3hpM
Salford City
Is locality your main priority? Are you xenophobic? Do you want a club with a zero self awareness white xenophobic hypocrital English owner? He would gladly welcome you lot I'm sure.
Has tried to "buy the league" though so that might be a problem for some of you.
Tottenham Hotspur
Do you have a humiliation kink? Do you respond to embarssing results with praise and celebrations? If so, Tottenham Hotspur will provide you all of that
They've even got an English serial loser up front that will provide you with some stat fodder for Twitter
Arsenal.
Do you believe failure in football is "Progress"?
Do you think that finishing in the top 4 is a trophy?
Why not go support the club that invented it?
They've even got their own Maguire in goal as a bonus for those of you that pretend relegation is a good thing
Ajax.
Do you enjoy teenage footballers?
Do you have traits of an accountant that make you think money saving is a good thing?
Do you like lots of pointless passing patterns?
Perfect club for you if so, with any luck your favourite bald man will be back there soon too.
Liverpool
Do you enjoy playing the victim at every opportunity?
Do you take the moral high ground in every situation whilst ignoring your own actions and blame someone else?
Do you look like something out of The Last of Us?
If so Mutant FC will gladly welcome you.
Brighton.
Do you value things like "xG"?
Do you like the idea of celebrating losing every season whilst playing some "attacking" football?
Are you part of the Rainbow mob?
If so, why not take a trip to the seaside to be surrounded by lots of like minded folk?
Bilbao.
Do you think that a players nationality matters?
Do you think all players should be local to the club?
Do you enjoy winning fuck all most of the time due to self inflicted problems?
Perfect club for some of you.
Kristiansund
Are you in love with Ole Gunnar Solskjaer? Do you believe in the idea of trophies being for egos? Thankfully your god has you covered.
He isn't managing the first team yet but that won't matter to some of you nonces that enjoy childrens football will it?
DC United
Do you enjoy worshipping Scousers?
Do you enjoy worshipping people that have massively disrespected Manchester United?
Do you enjoy 27% win rates or finishing bottom of the league?
If so Wayne Rooneys current club has you covered.
Nice
Are you as big of a fan of Jim Ratcliffe as you've been making out for the last few months?
Do you enjoy absolute nothingness, never winning anything, not even getting the precious top 4, whilst your owner has a season ticket at Chelsea?
Perfect fit if so.
Wrexham.
Do you think football is based on storylines rather than being a sport? Do you currently treat Manchester United a Disney movie? If so, Wrexham has you covered. You can even watch last season's story unfold with your existing Disney+ Subscription.
Some of you have suggested you will be "giving up on football" if this takeover happens and very clearly have issues dealing with reality so I've also came up with some alternatives for you aswell
Fancy a new sport? Something else to treat like a cult? I've got you covered too
Tampa Bay buccaneers
Do you enjoy funding the Glazers?
They might be gone from Manchester United but they still exist, you can even help them fund some more US presidential campaigns to kill even more people as you cry about human rights.
Do you run on emotion? Are you more interested in than drama than success? Do you struggle to deal with reality? Not to worry.
Walford Town FC exist in the fictional world of EastEnders with lots of emotional drama in the background for you to get invested in.
Are you a soppy emotional wreckage driven by feelings that wants to buy into another mans storyline but still enjoys the competitive element?
Love Island has you covered. You even get to vote to make yourselves feel important and special.
Do you enjoy reading?
Thankfully Dr JK Rashford MBE can teach you how to be a champion and you can reminisce over the days of him using Manchester United losing a final as a launchpad for his writing career.
Do you enjoy virtue signaling? Is your idea of a "protest" funding something then singing a song about it or holding up a banner telling everyone how unhappy you are about it?
I am sure this lot will welcome you with open arms and let you sit in the middle of a road with them.
Do you fancy yourself as a human rights activist as much as you've made out for the last few months?
Maybe you should put the smartphone down and go fight against Colbat mining rather than using it to virtue signal on Twitter?
And last but not least
Are you a racist?
Does a person's skin colour impact how you view them? Do your "morals" only apply to non whites?
Have you spent years pretending the club is some sort of cult exclusive to a certain demographic?
If so, you'll fit right in here.
Think I've got most angles covered here but if any of you are struggling to replace Manchester United, please feel free to DM me and I'll help you find an alternative.
It's the least I owe you after the years of you lot advising me to support another club at every opportunity.
To those of you that are sticking around.
Welcome to the Qatari era, where hopefully accountability, standards, shame and some fucking trophies return to Manchester United after 18 years of rot inflicted by the Glazers and this fanbase.
We won.
Hope this helps
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