Thread by @jayacunzo

I just spent 3 days with dear friends, all of whom have kids ages 8mo to 4y.

Something I need to get off my chest about being a parent of young kids and the culture we live in:

What the culture shares and even demands you share about having kids/being a parent is that it's precious, it's a gift, it's a joy, etc.

But this is not what actual parents talk about or how actual parents feel.

Instead...

We talked about the fact that our physical + mental health had gotten problematic. Our careers had taken huge hits. Our friendships were drifting. Our relationships with our partners felt strained (one person summed it up as: they're basically just the other parent I live with)

We didn't sit around writing Hallmark cards to the joys of parenting. We sat around going HO-LEE FORKING SHIRTBALLS this is impossibly hard and every dimension of our life got worse: health, finances, career, love, etc. EXCEPT a new dimension called Loving Our Kids (10/10 great).

Now, the culture (and indeed, the voice in my head) is going.. walk it back, man. Add asides like "(even though I adore them!)"

But the way the culture talks about parenting is not how actual parents talk about parenting to each other.

To understand, think about dream logic.

In a dream, you go, "I'm driving a car on the highway. Also I'm underwater and I can breathe just fine. Also this is the bike shop my dad owns."

And your brain just goes... Yes.

This is parenting. It is multiple things, fully. Terrible and great. Crushing and uplifting. At once

Parents ought to be given more permission to say multiple things are totally true at the same time, because we feel ashamed to feel bad about our experiences otherwise.

Because yes, we all feel like dogsh*t during the early stages of parenting very tiny kids. Yes, we wish we had more time for ourselves and our work. And yes, kids are the reason why every dimension of our lives took a hit EXCEPT this one amazing new dimension. BUT ALSO...

We wouldn't trade it. We don't regret it. I routinely drop everything to console or play with them. I would, w/o thinking, take a bullet for them. I'd arm wrestle The Rock -- and I promise you, I'd win -- for my kids.

But ALSO? This highway is underwater.

This is dream logic.

And people who have yet to experience the dream or for whom the dream is just a distant memory as they age -- and certainly folks who give career advice when they don't do actual parenting at home themselves -- can't understand.

Because it makes no sense.

Thank you to @sarahkpeck & @startup_parent for nudging me to talk more about parenting publicly.

To fellow parents: I see you. I'm with you. Embrace how you feel. There's nothing broken about you but PLENTY about the culture. And most of all:

Welcome to this bakery my dad owns.

@zacgarside @skstock @sarahkpeck @startup_parent Also Zac, if you have anything you've tried to prevent your kids from feeling the way you felt (that sounds very hard, btw), I'm open to learning them.

Operating at the intersection of professional ambition, personal health, and parenting well... is NOT something I'm a pro at

(I'm very happy to see after this went semi-viral that only 1 asshat told me women shouldn't work and should stay at home with the kids. The rest of you humans have been WONDERFUL and SUPPORTIVE and GRATEFUL and you receive ALL MY GRATITUDE back to you.)