Kolo and Yaya Toure are football's most scandalous siblings.
The Ivorian brothers hoovered up silverware, shagged in car parks and hired escorts for charity fundraisers.
From comparing knobs to secret alter egos, this is the story of football's friskiest fraternity. A Thread 🧵
Our story begins in 2002, when eager young defender Kolo Toure rocks up at Arsenal for a trial.
After injuring Henry and Bergkamp, Kolo flies in two-footed on gaffer Arsene Wenger.
Wenger is left unable to walk, but tells his coaches: “I like his desire, we sign him tomorrow.”
Kolo is a rock for Arsenal's Invincibles, but after a fallout with William Gallas, he leaves for Man City.
In a moment of madness, he guzzles his wife's diet pills and fails a drugs test. He's banned for 6 months.
And it's not the only thing he's hiding from his wife...
He heads to naff nightspot Bijou and chats up a 22-year-old student in the shisha lounge.
Toure tells her he's a used car salesman called Francois, and they begin a secret affair.
For two years, he visits her grotty student bedsit in a baseball cap and aviator sunglasses.
Despite refusing to give her his phone number, Kolo gets down on one knee and hands his lovestruck mistress a diamond ring.
Then he disappears, telling her he's in Ghana selling cars.
But the truth is slightly different: he's in the Ivory Coast. Marrying his actual wife...
Growing suspicious of his elaborate excuses, Kolo's student mistress takes a photo of him in the shower to show her friends.
"That's Kolo Toure", they tell her.
She googles the name and sees Francois the car salesman lifting the Premier League trophy.
The game is up.
Meanwhile, Kolo's brother Yaya is overjoyed after spotting “tremendously kinky” escort Sandra Ntoya online.
They swap “naughty pictures” for weeks before a "nervous" £140 shag.
But after a clumsy hook-up in Sainsbury's car park, Sandra's attention turns elsewhere...
After learning of his brother's antics, Kolo ditches his disguise and gives Sandra a call.
He drives her to the same Sainsbury's car park for an afternoon of passion.
“He's sex mad” she recalls later, “he's always bragging he has a bigger manhood than his brother.”
In 2014, Kolo moves to Liverpool, leaving Yaya to celebrate his birthday alone.
But without his brother, nobody at Man City remembers.
A distraught Yaya buys himself a Colin the Caterpillar on the way home, but his agent brands the club "really sick".
During title celebrations days later, Yaya sulks alone until Micah Richards tells him to "grow up" and "fuck off."
He eventually forgives City, but the story torments him for years.
"When people see me in France or Africa they ask 'You want cake?'" he complains.
The unwanted attention continues when Yaya's phone is swamped by texts from horny admirers.
He's forced to change his number, and insists: “My wife is enough for me. I like peace and classical music."
Or does he...
In 2016, Yaya swaps Mozart for the Macarena, dancing into the early hours at house party
He's stopped by police and is more than twice over the legal limit.
Yaya insists he didn't notice the brandy in his Diet Coke because he has never tasted alcohol
A year later, Yaya leaves Man City, claiming Pep "has a problem with Africans".
And his agent doubles down, announcing "African shamans" have placed a "curse on Guardiola".
While Yaya storms off to China, Kolo has problems of his own...
After soaking up the sun on Liverpool's tour of Australia, Kolo legs it when an enthusiastic ranger hands him a koala.
"I don't like animals", he explains.
"I've had a dog at my house for seven years and I've never touched him".
In 2016, Celtic unveil Kolo
Asked what his favourite chant is, he misunderstands and answers: "Whitney Houston."
He then leads the entire press conference in a rendition of the Kolo and Yaya Toure song.
Meanwhile, Yaya is settling into retirement...
But when he gets the call up for Soccer Aid, Yaya charitably agrees to play one more time.
Unfortunately, he slightly misjudges the vibe...
He posts a porn video in his team's WhatsApp group, and then suggests hiring 19 prostitutes.
He's kicked off the team.
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