Thread by @billkinkle

The Real Root of my Addiction: a 9/11 Story.

On September 11, 2001 I was a junior in nursing school. I had already left the steet as a paramedic in order to learn more in the ER at @PennMedicine. When the first tower was struck, we were sent home from school.

I got a phone call telling me to pack a bag for as long as possible; we all did on that day, except I was told to head in, not to safety. We were less than 90 minutes from Manhattan, we could see the smoke when we were told to, “stand down.” The rescue had become a recovery.

I was born on July 4th, I ate a piece of the bicentennial cake in 1973 in my hometown, Philadelphia. I watched Johnny Gage make it look cool to hang a bottle of D5W as he gave an amp of D50 (we liked sugar back then😉)

When I was a Kenzo kid my mom walked me over to @PhillyFireDept Engine 7 when I was five. I distinctly remember how the leather smelled and felt on my head.

I watched Bull express, with the most masculine tears imaginable, his appreciation for seeing a young guy excel. I became a paramedic at 19; I was the youngest in the county.

I will never forget how I felt when I saw bull ignore the line, run in, the tension, then the trumpets sound as he emerges, coat open, no SCBA, soot covered, boots still down, carrying a baby in one hand and his gauntlet in the other. It wasn’t excitement I felt, rather it was a calm. It inspired me to be focused, disciplined, principled.

Any first responder will tell you it gets in their blood early on, perhaps before birth for some of us. I am one of those people. This means you grow up embracing the fact that your life will end early in the service of civilians. We don’t love it, but we certainly don’t cower from it because as the community’s protector we take our oath seriously. This is me with my dad at four years old, notice the hat.

Now, a few, a very select, special, chosen few, are allowed the honor of giving the ultimate sacrifice for their brothers and sisters. This we do love. It’s what we dream about when we lay our heads down at the firehouse for a nap, burning to a crisp as we enter Nirvana, sheer bliss. Heroism is spontaneous, but we practice strict principles of stoicism dating back to Marcus Aurelius.

When you are a warrior the only honorable death is on the battlefield. So, to stand at the front line, see your brothers go to glory, mentally prepare because it is finally your turn to die, and see the battle end, well, it is Shakespearean tragedy at its best.

I thought I was the only one who never had the chance to give my life for my brothers. I also thought I was the only one who went back to work that day, serving the other Americans in Philadelphia who had less sensational injuries, day in, day out, for the remaining years, because that’s what we do.

We, like everyone else, kept America safe for each other while our comrades unearthed the remains of the fallen. I have never raised an American flag since that day, I’ve never worn a patch on my shoulder since 2001, either.

I was a 19 year old rookie when I watched @GarySinise and @tomhanks portray this dynamic on screen. As a filmmaker myself, it had a profound impact on me.

I’ve desperately wanted to wear FDNY “Never Forget” gear, hell the reason at 51 years old I just submitted an application to the Willow Grove Fire Department is to honor my brothers; but like many, I am obviously not chosen to be worthy of glory.

So, I teach, I inspire, I tell the world how amazing service, honor, integrity, are. These things we often say, but don’t do. I am now in retirement, but my eyes dilate at the smell of smoke; I become calm and focused, a man of sheer will.

We use imagery of dragons and knights, not to glorify violence. Rather, as a beacon of strength for our community and as a warning to our foes.

We are here to answer the call when no one else can. A firefighter, on duty or off, in the prime of his career or 30 years retired, will lay their life down for anyone, not just their family, anyone, without hesitation. We are Valor.

I was trained as a paramedic by a four tour Vietnam War hero, he was my friend, Greg Klinewski. He died a few years back, but I wake up every day to a voice mail echo from the past. Proving we do, in fact stand on the shoulders of giants. This👇is the voice of a hero and Patriot and he is photographed in the white gown.

I have been around servicefolk my whole life. My grandfather met my grandmother in post WWII rural Italy while serving in the @USArmy. My other grandfather was an aviator. My father in law is a hat trick retired police chief. When I wore the badge it meant something.

As a @FatherJudgeHS graduate I have a very specific sense of patriotism when it comes to Vietnam War Veterans. My HS has the most casualties of any Catholic HS in the nation. I walked past and read the names of the “27” every day from the age of 12 and I touched their names in the granite. I stood guard when the @TheMovingWallHC was in town as a young man.

When I was a boy in the 80s there was a disgraceful, “crazy homeless vet” trope that was popularized. I imagine I will feel the way a vet in the 80s felt the first time they went to the @vietnamwarmem when I first visit @911memorial, so I look to them for guidance and Greg taught me everything I need to know.

There’s probably a reason I never felt quite right in the 69th Pennsylvania Irish Brigade when I was a Civil War reenact-or as a Scottsman. However, I certainly understood the dilemma of our kinsmen and our celebrated customs. My kin in Scotland👇, date unknown and myself as an Irish ☘️ Brigade private receiving my ceremonial Boxwood in 2001.

It seems a great deal of my struggles with injection drug use and addiction have all stemmed from 9/11. Just this morning a friend told me of another sister who the piper played for. As a Scottsman, bagpipes have deep cultural significance as well as a firefighter; they allow a hardened warrior the brief gift to pause, and grieve. It’s why I listen to the pipes every day, it’s how a firefighter does self care. We listen to the pipes, punch a wall, and get back to business.

For years I thought I disgraced the uniform as a firefighter and America’s most trusted profession as a nurse with my addiction. I saw guys like @stevebuscem getting it done.

I’m grateful I still have time to start working through this with a therapist, I have witnessed too many suicides and learned of a few more just this morning. I want to finally visit @911memorial because I haven’t been there since the attack.

To be completely transparent I made a suicide attempt last night after sitting with myself after my counseling session where everything you just read came out and connected for the first time. If I wasn’t married to a social worker who is the daughter of a battle wounded warrior, I would be an unknown casualty.

If I could give a younger me advice, it would be this: get therapy as early as you can in life; especially for folks who go into the service of others.

Twenty Four years it has taken me to even start addressing this and I only did it through a professional.

My therapist is a Muslim immigrant whose family were horrifically persecuted by my people after 9/11. This is called love.

I never got to say, “You go, We go”during my career. However, bothers and sisters, “You go, We go” doesn’t just apply to fire. #988
#MentalHealthAwareness @OC87rd

If you’ve read this far……mismanaged pain led to me needing to use #tranq because good American hero physicians have their hands tied to 1970s legislation that must end, including liberating methadone. There are no bad people, only poor policy.

When I run the ten mile #BroadStreetRun in 2026 for #tranq awareness after recovering from partial paraplegia from a neck injury, I will wear a Never Forget patch on my kilt as I cross the finish line. After my surgery I’ll be training like my idol, Rocky and since @preventionpp is located in Rocky’s hometown I have an idea.

There are two very specific reasons I don’t have the disease 99% of heroin addicts from my day have. Obviously the first is my healthcare background, this one is unique to me. However, the other reason is a free service available to anyone, Syringe Service Access programs.

I would like help starting a campaign to raise funds from my run, and an open invitation to everyone to come run with me to end stigma, all kinds. All the proceeds from this fund will go to Prevention Point, Philadelphia and Pittsburgh.

I hope to partner with:

Independence Blue Cross, as I have been an ambassador for their Someone You Know Campaign for public awareness for opioid use.

The University of Pennsylvania Health System
Penn Health School of Medicne
Temple Health
Drexel Health
Thomas Jefferson Health
Cooper Health
The Philadelphia Flyers, Eagles, Sixers, and Phillies.
@Local22Philly
The City and Mayor of Philadelphia, the City of New York, and ultimately, the hearts and minds of all Americans which will spread to the rest of the known world.

Because, this affects everyone.

Overall, when I was in my addiction the Philadelphia Fire Department saved my life many times as well as bystanders with naloxone, which everyone can obtain at no cost and carry and use. Here’s why:

youtu.be/j4lI8i8wKCA?si…

Eventually information about my upcoming skin graft surgery, my in-depth story, my training for the run next year, and more information on substance use/mental health for first responders and health professionals will be found here:

thecaledoniaproject.love

Right now, I just got home from a kids vs parents football game with my with and nine year old son. I am moving on Friday and I will not be sleeping until then because we have so much from my illness.

We needed to move abruptly because the folks we were renting from have a very sick child and needed to move emergently. I have a bunch of minor repairs to make it perfect for their baby.

I remember a Judge Guy once telling me about a wounded warrior who couldn’t stop drinking and the Philadelphia Fire Fighters helped out. If one or two guys could swing by and just help me with a few trash bags it would help up a lot.

267-325-9960

@ibx @PennMedicine @PennNursing @FDNY @preventionpp @FireRescue1 #TonyGilroyInspiredMe #recovery #fatherhood #firefighting #Scotland #ICantForget

@threadreaderapp please unroll