I timeboxed 45 minutes to write down every single rule of good social skills I could come up with.
Let me know if you want me to elaborate on any of these:
1. MOST IMPORTANT ONE:
In every single context of conversation, generally let the other person win (or at least feel they're winning)
2. In most situations, you driving the conversation will lead to the best outcomes
3. Knowing an obscure reference about where someone is from is the biggest cheat code to build rapport quickly.
4. Early on, measured cold reading creates more intrigue than asking questions
5. Use intuition and cold reading to rapidly understand the person's value system and then frame ensuing conversation to make them as comfortable as possible
6. Turn, smile and greet people as they enter a space. Imagine that you're the host, even if you're not
7. Genuine compliments or jokey observations about shared context are the best way to start a conversation
8. Follow your curiosity. Be genuinely interested in other people, but ONLY when it's actually genuine. No one wants robotic Carnegie-like questioning.
9. Figure out what someone is passionate about and keep pressing that button
10. Small talk has its place, but not too long. It's helpful for establishing conversational boundaries and vibe.
11. Avoid cliche questions or question formats. Even small twists can lead to better answers
12. (EXTREMELY IMPORTANT BECAUSE THIS IS THE MAIN THING THAT MAKES SOMEONE SEEM LIKE "THAT GUY")
Only turn the conversation back to your story when it's absolutely necessary
13. If you and another person start talking at the same time, cede the way to them
14. In group conversation, when it looks like someone wants to join, meet their eyes, smile, and shift your body outwards to encourage them to do so
15. & when they join, ask their name and give them context on the current subject
16. Similarly, if a conversation is getting stale, actively recruit people walking past to join with your eyes and smile, then duck out when the new person is acquainted
17. Don't break rapport, even jokingly, unless the other person signals they're wit’ it
18. Mirror body language. Turn and face the person, give them your full presence. Don't cross your arms or dart your eyes around the room.
19. If you ever have to break presence, let them know (”keep talking, I'm just filling up this water”) or if you have to pull out your phone to take note of something they told you, (”let me write that down”)
20. If you catch the other person breaking rapport with body language, they're most likely not interested and you should save face and make an excuse to exit the conversation
21. If asked a question, make your answer as detail-rich as possible to give the asker the maximum amount of conversational threads for follow up
22. In groups, early on, make jokes only at your own expense until a humor dynamic is established
23. Similarly, callback humor can be funny, but do not constantly use it to try to enforce a certain group dynamic
24. In groups, the conversation must be held at a level of context everyone can understand
25. In groups, if you're often being given the conversational spotlight, use it to empower others who haven't contributed as much
26. In groups, get-to-know-you questions are usually too personal and potentially uninteresting for shared context, leave these for 1-1 and focus on group-appropriate vibes instead
27. As much as you should keep the conversation positive, people actually bond more over lighthearted complaints than over shared interests
28. References should be framed within your conversation partner's cultural context. No one wants to feel dumb or out of the loop
29. Avoid all repetition: telling the same joke twice, telling a story that someone has already heard even if you and they are just one part of a larger group conversation, etc
30. Share sensitive information about yourself first and gauge someone's reaction before asking them the same level of question
31. If making references that are outside someone's context, do so only if they're curious, and make it come from a place of genuine interest in teaching rather than bragging
32. If you're smart and successful, you'll win far more favor by downplaying your intelligence and achievements. Signal humility, always.
33. Don't ask to exchange contact information, God forbid LinkedIn, unless you actually had a meaningful conversation.
(No, a five minute dry convo about work is not a meaningful conversation.)
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