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Anti-Brexit Alien @LennieMerrick1
, 10 tweets, 2 min read Read on Twitter
It is the big day, Earthtards! The referendum results are in.

As some of you may remember, some time ago, the Galactic Confederacy of Civilisations called a referendum on whether to welcome you to our family of planets, or erase you from existence. /1
(It became informally known as the “shake or bake” referendum.)

The campaign to embrace you called itself Befriend; the campaign to destroy you (of which I am co-director), Obliterate.

It looked a close-run thing for a while. /2
The don’t-knows were running at 15% until a few days before the poll; the don’t-cares were even higher.

But with 99.9% of votes in, finally (drum roll) … it looks like an overwhelming win for Obliterate, with 51.8%! (I know. Uncanny, isn’t it?) /3
I am not surprised. The Befriend campaign was stultifying: pictures of children playing, courageous rescues, the writings of Jonathan Swift, blah di blah. My strategy of labelling everything they said as “Project Dull” worked like a charm! /4
Befriend argued that Earthtards should be given protected status as the only sentient sexually reproducing species. I simply responded by revealing some footage of a Donald Trump rally, a Paul Joseph Watson video and three of Lee Hurst’s jokes. /5
I mean, if this is how you are going to treat beings who are only slightly different from you, how are you going to respond to a 15ft, seven-legged, three-anused toxic echinoid? Or a highly radioactive energy being from Mb?… /6
Unfortunately, obliteration is not just as simple as pressing a button and “Boom!”. Under the Treaty of the Hypercompact, we must first issue notice of our *intention* to obliterate you, then agree on the method of so doing, make plans to minimise collateral damage, etc. /7
The Befrienders are already complaining that the ballot paper was poorly worded, and that the result should be voided because no one specified the means of obliteration. Democracy-hating brrstvrrrks. /8
The strongest Obliterate vote (78%), you may be upset to hear, was from the Uckenuck system, where practically no one has even seen a picture of one of you. Although to be fair, after the result was announced, quite a few did idly ask their OBNOXes, “What is an Earthtard?” /9
Anyway. Your cards are marked, Earthtards. Fry you later! Unless those Befriend kkwmmblls get their wish for a second referendum. But they wouldn’t dare defy the will of the cosmos. Would they? /end
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