My name is Johnnie Jae aka the Brown Ball of Fury. I am from the Otoe-Missouria and Choctaw Nations of Oklahoma. I have spent the last 29 years surviving Lupus & the last 23 years surviving bi-polar disorder and suicide.
My first suicide attempt was when I was 15 years old. I had 2 more attempts in my 20's. My last attempt was when I was 31 years old & since then I have come a long way in my healing & understanding of mental illness and suicide.
What has always scared me about my suicidal tendencies is that not a single attempt was premeditated and I wasn't having suicidal ideations at the time of my attempts. They were impulsive actions taken when I was in crisis....which is another thing that scares me.
I'm high functioning & tend to be manic. I've learned to use it to my advantage but the downside is that I don't notice when I'm spiraling until I'm already in crisis. This is why my greatest fear is that despite my best efforts & determinaton to live, I will still die by suicide
meh just realized it is 4 am so I will finish this tomorrow. night for now.
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