Hm, my ascendant is being opposed by the sun and sextile by Jupiter. This feels...good.
My thinking is shifting--maybe because I am focusing on other things I actually care about and make me happier--funny how that works. But it's a big shift.
I'm burning all these candles, but I'm not really thinking about them anymore, which is weird. Usually, I'm very focused on candle work. Now it's light, go about my day, extinguish, go to bed.
It's probably a good thing because all these candles are like deep-seated hopes and dreams, but I don't even have time to tend to them besides my initial dealings with them all being fixed and causing smoke issues in my room, LOL. The work is done?
I'm trying to experiment this month to see if I can just worry less, period. Try to trust that things will work out a little more, a little sooner.
I embrace the very fallacious idea of hard work getting you places. It's false because some people get places with absolutely NO work involved.
From that reading on Friday, which again, may be repeating because am loquacious af--my guides were like, you've done more than enough. And I strongly agree. That's out of fear and anxiety, though.
I remember in college, I was listing all the institutions that had let me down: family, church, school, bank. I can add to that list many more institutions and people. I've hedged bets because of a pretty poor track record with humanity.
Self-reliance for me has come out of necessity. And yet, I have to be really face on the carpet trust in some higher power every day to be safe--or at least to calm my mind to not amp up the latent anxiety that I've tried to uproot.
I have said this so often, in tweets that I've deleted, about how it all comes back to this trust that is very hard for me to give. And yet I trust others far too easily. It's absurd.
I feel more supported to trust now, like I've switched tracks. And it's been hard work to get here. It's not at all easy to trust in something invisible.

But I'm still full of failsafes just in case things don't work out.

Spirit is not my failsafe, nor is it my go-to.
I think I've been stuck because I've gone as far as I can in my own power--which is funny since I'm always being called to step into more power.
Right now, it's like--try all these things--like candles--so I can I solve these real, daunting problems.

It's like fumbling through a large set of keys so I can unlock myself. That's not really a spiritual journey. That's an escape room game. And those games look stressful af.
There is a lot of internal pressure to figure things out because I'm the only one I can comfortably rely on to do that. And then it's like, OK Spirit, I'm fresh out of ideas, you can come in and save the day. That's not a great relationship model, or relationship, or anything.
I've learned so much from the problem solving/troubleshooting parts of my life.

But I can't live life thumbing through some reference manual.
And, circumstantially, I cannot blame myself for being bent like that. It has been relentless. This month, I'm in another cliffhanger moment, and I'm tired of MacGyvering my way out of yet another harrowing experience.
So, I'm going to pretend that I don't have to disassemble some bomb in 5 seconds. I'm going to try to ease into knowing that I have done more than enough.
So the gap between my work and my results is bridge by this stupid thing that I loathe, more than hope: faith. I actually have had great faith before, but I need to cultivate some more, which is even harder when the world seems to be imploding.
I saw a picture of an emaciated child from Yemen today. I don't know how to solve that, how to make that child whole so their country isn't being shit on by other countries. That's part of our backdrop. Utter, senseless cruelty.
And this reminds me of when I was a social worker. You would leave at the end of the day, so concerned about your clients. Will they make it through the night? Will they get picked up by the police? Will they get hospitalized? Will they lose housing?
And we had to come back to--we were in their lives now, and that's way before than we not being in their lives. We can't solve everything.
And back to me--I can't solve everything, even in my own life that I take so much responsibility for.

I basically came out of the womb, by grace, took my first few breaths, and then was on my own journey.
Even these candles, there's some faith that whatever herbs and oils and powders have been brought together, along with my intention, can help shift things. Otherwise, I wouldn't have bought them or lit them.
There's just been a lot of scrambling and head-scratching over why things have seemingly slowed to a crawl while spiritually, it seems so lit--I can feel it, waiting to burst forth.
At the same time, it seems like I'm the catalyst, and trying to troubleshoot my sick, sad life is just making me sicker and sadder.
So the experiment is simple--just try, either with baby steps or giant steps, to believe in all the beautiful messages I've received and to be more grateful.
"Focus on what you do have, not what you don't have." For now, I feel like a heart transplant or heart surgery has to happen for that to feel natural.
My response is pretty adolescent:

"Why don't you try living my life and see how you fare! Go ahead! Let's switch places!"
But I'm also like--something has to shift yesterday. I do not like feeling defined by losses and disappointments. That's not me (anymore).
It's #CancerSeason, so a lot of this is, I take so much personally (which is partly why I wrote today's blog post), and I need to even extricate myself from what's happened to me.
Otherwise, I'm a human pinata! That's not my life purpose!
Maybe this is why I liked Fight Club so much (which if I watch again, I'll probably go--this is headassery):
"You are not your job, you're not how much money you have in the bank. You are not the car you drive. You're not the contents of your wallet. You are not your fucking khakis."

I am not the all singing, all dancing crap of the world, either.
I am definitely more than the house I live in, the godforsaken city and state I live in, the monthly problems that plague me, the tweets I type, the followers that come and go, the dreams deferred and irreparably damaged, the questions of "what next?" I have on a daily basis.
If you approach spirituality as a honey-do list for your life, you're doing it wrong.
A lot of this is due to capitalism, but beyond that, the compulsion to tinker, to worry, to fret...there's been this hyper-fretting mode I've been in for the past couple of months and no answers have come.
My guides through that reading were like--you already know what to do (I'm repeating myself), and I'm thinking, well, that's news to me. Why are you called guides?
This is REALLY all to say, the results I'm seeking aren't the right ones. I actually already have the results I need, internally. And I need to stop defining myself by capitalistic rubrics of success or failure. Not easy for a woman who has her sun in Capricorn. 😉
Worry does things, though--it's not like it's completely useless. It's a bit of a crutch. It's work. At least it feels like you're doing something (even if you're not).
So I'm just going to see if I can not worry about...anything, really. Impossible task, but one I want take up because I don't want to be functionally neurotic.
Can I just continue to do my best and rely on Spirit to guide and provide?

And provide not in some prosperity gospel way, but in the way I know is healthy for me? And beyond just money--but provision for my whole wellbeing?
More yin, less yang. That's basically the TL; DR of this exploratory thread. 😉

I am stealing my own joy because of these expectations of adulthood (which societally, failing at most of them). I'm fallen short of my own expectations, too (very lofty).
So maybe, if I stop the tinkering and striving, all the good that I can feel on the other side of reality can be brought forth, with greater ease.
I won't be faking gratitude, though, but I will ask for genuine gratitude to be brought forth, too--and preferably not in a Job-like way. Not in the mood for more catastrophic losses.
It's just not healthy to have such an added weight on my back.

But I know this is like back to the Capricorn journey. Yet as a kid, you shouldn't have these worries. Who will take care of me?
If, as a child, the answer is me, that's a tragedy. I know there's something that goes way back to infancy that I have not been able to shake/heal/whatever.
It's a type of self-reliance I don't wish for anyone to have to learn. No child should understand or comprehend existential loneliness.
It's really painful to be in these utterly helpless situations and then be like, wellll there's the Mentos commercial version, or there's the spiritual team version. I'm trying to move to the spiritual team version. 😩
It's boot camp, it's a healing retreat, it's hell, it's all of the above. To re-wire how I think about the priority of my efforts, whom I can trust, where I can receive's really an unglamourous, tedious job. But it's getting done.
I just can't put myself through the "my life is over and my identity will sublimate if x doesn't happen, and I will be the only one to blame" meat grinder again. It's not self-motivation. It's wounding self-blame.
Try applying this mentality to spirituality, and it's like--wait, what was the purpose of following this path? Perfection or deliverance?
I can't tell you how many times I've said, "What am I not getting right now?" or "I don't know what else to do" just this year.

Those questions really sound like: "You are spiritually stupid. You're in the way again. You're not listening hard enough. You're just...wrong."
And it's because circumstances are terrible. So CLEARLY, it's your fault. Look at all the choices that you made to get here. It's all on you.
A lot of just straight up WRONG spiritual teaching just compounds the crazy self-blaming mechanisms in my head, and then some of them hijack them and then wow, I've plopped down money for a program, so I can fix myself. YAY!

Well, someone is richer, and I am now more neurotic.
Circumstances can be terrible and you could be completely aligned. That's so hard to hear, even from me, to myself.
So really, the breaking point--I don't have the strength to do the endless troubleshooting that I feel needs to be done to just fucking get my basic needs met.

So, Spirit, you're the point person now. If you feel I've done more than enough, then great. I'm done.
Like 40.5 years, done done. I cannot have myself self-flagellate over the state of the circumstances which surround me. And I can't be wrong all the damn time. Something has to be right, or better.
The amount of synchronicities I had today is, well, a lot. I could even just be grateful for those, that clearly I'm on a path, being closely guided.
Ultimately, I've been through enough loss and sorrow, even recently. I do not need to compound the pain by thinking that if this isn't happening, it means I'm doing something wrong.

Enough already.
How about more self-compassion because circumstances are dreadful? Instead of trying to strategize an exit plan or escape route or some scheme. I've got no more juice for this hamster-wheel hustling.
And this is where control issues can come up--letting things fall where they may, letting myself just be, without being defined by anything or anyone else.

Who is responsible?! Um, not me? I guess? Spirit, it's you, right? OK.
So many good things are coming, but I'm not the one ushering them in, then somehow I'm sleeping on the job. AS IF I didn't do the work already.
So. I'll trust in the more than enough work I've done, trust in myself more (which I thought I knew what that meant, but I'm unlearning and relearning), and open, be curious, and be grateful.

No more self-blame. Lots more self-compassion. -FIN-
P.S. All that self-reliance has taken me very far, and I'm so grateful. I've learned that most people are rather flaky and unreliable. So I'm my own best friend, etc.

It's just time to evolve and learn more adaptive ways of being and living that are more pro-me.
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