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Thread by @ThomasWictor: "(1) Some guy just warned me that I'm going to lose all credibility. Let me show you what my brain did with THAT. This is my real brain. (2) […]"

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(1) Some guy just warned me that I'm going to lose all credibility.

Let me show you what my brain did with THAT.

This is my real brain.
(2) When my mother had chemotherapy, and her hair started falling out, I shaved my head in solidarity.
(3) She was aghast.

Things people do on TV don't always work in real life.
(4) So later, I grafted my real brain onto my real head.

This is to scale.
(5) It's amazing how SMALL my brain looks.

So I do stuff like this all the time.

It leaves people speechless.
(6) The guy who told me I'm going to lose credibility reminds me of my father.

I have severe osteoarthritis of the spine and hip because I spent 20 years doing manual labor for my father.
(7) He was almost certainly one of the strongest human beings to ever walk the earth.

You can see in this photo how massive his hands and forearms were. He was 6'2" but weighed only 168 pounds.
(8) My father couldn't deal with aging. He took it as a loss of credibility.

Here's what I've discovered in my 55 years:

People will always engage in behavior that hastens the thing they fear the most.
(9) So my father drank up to two bottles of scotch a day, and he smoked five packs of cigarettes.

My father's brother always carried around a CARTON of cigarettes.
(10) So one time my brother Tim went to Iowa with my father.

Tim, my father, and my father's brother went out to dinner. My father's brother brought his carton of cigarettes and put it on the table.

He smoked four packs during the dinner.

Filterless Camels, by the way.
(11) So as my father got older, he enlisted Tim and me in his outrageously time-consuming projects.

Tim is 58, and he's yang to my yin. The older he gets, the healthier he gets. His cardiologist told him that he has the circulatory system of a man in his twenties.
(12) So let's add up the projects I undertook that gave me osteoarthritis.

The first one was digging five tons of earth out from under the house in which I live.
(13) This is about a quarter of the dirt.

That's me and my nephew. I lifted him slightly so that when we ran down the mountain, he was weightless.
(14) The dirt under the house was as hard as cement, so my father gave us geological picks. We chipped out the dirt, put down the pick, and used trowels to put the dirt in plastic tubs.

We moved all five tons about ten pounds at a time.
(15) Then we had to anchor the house to the foundation.

Concrete never stops curing. The foundation was a century old, so each drill bit lasted only one hole.

Each bracket required six bolts; that meant three holes per bracket.
(16) The only way to drill was to lie on your back and have your brother hold you up. You drilled between your knees.

There was no other way to get leverage.
(17) We also jackhammered about three tons of adobe from my father's yard, and then we laid down red bricks, just like the roads in Iowa.
(18) Tim and I filled two empty brick-lined cesspools that were six feet in diameter and thirty feet deep.

Four tons of sands into each, poured by hand from 50-pound bags that we loaded into the truck and unloaded.
(18) We built an extension on my parents' house.

Built it from the cement up. All the wood was green, so each section of framing weighed about a ton.
(19) We painted all three houses twice.

THIS house required that the paint be stripped down to the wood. There were seven layers of paint, so we had to use hot guns and spatulas.
(20) It's got wooden siding, so you heated the paint and the scraped off a section three inches long and 3/4 quarters of an inch wide.

It took all day to do on square foot.
(21) Oh, and we built my garage!

We laid the foundation ourselves.

I've also put on five shingled roofs.
(22) Some of the crates we moved into the garage weighed 600 pounds.

Tim and I did it by ourselves.

Our father was upset that we didn't leave the aisles clear, in case the place caught fire.
(23) "If it catches fire, everything goes up in FLAMES!" I told him. "Who's going to unload 20 tons of stuff in under a minute?

He had no answer.
(24) When Tim's house flooded in 2012, my father proposed his final manual labor project.

Here is how were would stop the flooding:
(25) "What we'll do is buy steel road plate. We'll use sledgehammers to pound it down six feet into the ground, until the whole side of the house is covered."
(26) "Then we'll dig holes in front of each gap between plates, so you can go down and weld them together and seal off any place where water can leak in."
(27) Tim said, "NO, WE WON'T" and my father said, "All right then."

But I still think about project.

Those sheets of road steel weigh three tons each, so we'd have to have a crane.

It would take hours to pound even one sheet six feet into the ground.
(28) Then you'd dig dozens of vertical rat tunnels and go down them head first, to weld right in front of your own face.
(29) And these rinky dinks on Twitter think they can threaten me with loss of ANYTHING?

THAT boat sailed a LONG, long time ago, guys.

And it sleeps with the fishes...

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