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Alt US Cyber Command @AltCyberCommand
, 30 tweets, 15 min read Read on Twitter
For the next 24 hours I will be posting nothing but clips of the Gowdy/Goodlatte Congressional Shitshow™ that occurred today. I would like to sincerely, honestly, with all my heart thank @cspan for bringing me this bounty of absurdist comedy; we are blessed. #HouseOfRepresentin'
We'll start slow with a bit of selective editing. Hey @RepGoodlatte, you should come to our open-mic night; that last one-liner wasn't bad.
Wherein @RepGoodlatte gets served. (Cc: @peetscoffee)
Welcome to Crazytown Calculus II with @TGowdySC. Today we'll be covering hyperbolic functions and simple division.
Point of order: one must actually know what the point of order is before evaluating the merits of the point of order. Oh, and then @RepJerryNadler lays down the law.
The expression on the face of @repteddeutch while watching this orbital-class congressional shitfan spin up and prepare for liftoff are priceless.
Yo dawg, I heard you liked points of order...
"Yeah, by lawyers"
"I move to adjourn" "Second"
"Are we just going to make up rules as we go along?"
"The gentlemen is not in order" "That may be but I appeal your ruling"

This video clip is a national treasure.
I'm beginning to think that @Repgoodlatte and the Country Hyperchicken Lawyer from Futurama might be the same person. Anyway: come for the motion to summon Steve Bannon, stay for Goodlatte making a laughably transparent attempt to cheat during a vote.
Intermission.
While we're waiting, let's check back in with @RepGoodlatte. Aside: Congress has a really weird Muzak subscription.
And here comes @RepGoodlatte again, down the court, fast break one-on-one, stops short to fire off a Freudian slip... he shoots, he scores!
If it turns out this was @TGowdySC whispering to @RepGoodlatte, I'm going to piss myself laughing. Audio amplified for your entertainment. America: just replace Goodlatte with an intercom system; it'll save money. #GoodlatteTheDaft
Followup: sorry, I need to run to the restroom really quickly; it was totally him. #Gowdy
ITT: #GoodlatteTheDaft temporarily loses object permanence and/or forgets which hearing he's currently in the process of chairing.
Hey everyone, personal political opinions are racism now. If you didn't get the memo, it's because @RepGoodlatte used a crayon to write it and made his own stamps out of glitter and glue with poor ventilation.
Guy whispering to #Goodlatte at 0:50: "The office just called on the emergency line... they asked us to, quote, 'chill the fuck out for a second'".
Here comes Sensenbrenner with some breaking news for anyone who has been in a sensory deprivation chamber since mid-2016: Donald Trump won the electoral vote almost two years ago and Hillary Clinton is an avid player of Parker Brothers' Monopoly or something.
Intermission the second.
Guess who's back
Back again
@RepGosar
Dentistin'
World's largest self-own award goes to @RepGosar. I'm no dentist, but it seems pretty clear who's angry during this segment; it ain't Strzok. #HouseOfRepresentin'
Welcome to CSE256: Congressional Computational Linguistics. Your TA for this course will be @RepMarkWalker's eighth-grade English teacher, Ms. Painter.
Prof. @RepMarkWalker will now lecture on the theory of unlimited SMS cell phone plans, and the proposed existence thereof. #GSM
Volume adjusted for entertainment purposes. After Strzok answers @Jim_Jordan for like the fourth time, someone can be heard in the background blurting out "Damn... there ya go". Mission callout: congressional shitfan is supersonic.
Breaking: "Deep State" Conspiracy Ruled Out as Cause of Presidential Idiocy #HouseOfRepresentin'
Mean Girls 4 starring @MattGaetz (2018)
Intermission the third.
Old Man Yells At Cloud feat. @RepLouieGohmert Pt. 1
Old Man Yells At Cloud feat. @RepLouieGohmert Pt. 2
Old Man Yells At Cloud feat. @RepLouieGohmert Pt. 3
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