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Sandra Newman @sannewman
, 14 tweets, 3 min read Read on Twitter
A thriller where SCOTUS are all in a small plane flying to an event & it crashes in the Andes. They'll ALL have to be replaced! So everyone thinks. But…
1/
MEANWHILE (jump to an icy Andean mountaintop, with smoking wreckage strewn around) SCOTUS are actually still alive! But Alito was horribly wounded in the crash, he's dying on Clarence Thomas's lap (touching scene). And well, everyone's starving so… 2/
OK long story short, they eat Alito, and then as they're making their down a treacherous bit of Andes mountain thing, Roberts slips and plummets, his robes flapping, like a shrieking pitiful bat, into nothing! Oh no! But our plucky crew must soldier on… 3/
Over the campfire that night, the justices discuss whether or not eating Alito was unconstitutional and Gorsuch mutters something under his breath and Kagan is like, "If you got something to say, you can say it to everyone" and Gorsuch looks at her & snarls, "I'm still hungry"…
and some people narrow their eyes at Kagan because honestly she looks like the best eating of the remaining justices, but then Thomas stands up and reminds them that only Kagan, of all of them, has PREVIOUSLY survived in the Andes after a previous unlikely plane crash…
"Without Elena," he says, "ain't none of us getting home! And anyone who don't understand that has to go through me to get her!" (or words to that effect, but in a more Supreme Courty lingo) and meanwhile the pilots (forgot about them, didn't you?) are getting kind of squirrely
…because they're former Air Force guys and 100% in the bag for Trump, and they see what's happened here, that the conservative majority on the court is gone, and that seems a little too darned convenient! And wouldn't the Founders want them to correct that?
MEANWHILE, in Washington, the president tells the nation that in this one-of-a-kind circumstance that no president ever had to face before, except maybe Lincoln, you can't expect these justices he picks to all be lawyers, this is no time for political correctness, folks…
So by nightfall, the Senate is voting on whether to accept the nominations of Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump and Trump's sons and Paul Manafort and a Russian dude whose name has not been released to the press, etc., as the new SCOTUS…
MEANWHILE, in the Andes, the pilots have gotten together and decided to kill Elena Kagan with a rock, because they are raving from hunger & cold and in their feverish delusion they think she's the "mastermind", but what they don't realize is …
the sparks between Kagan and Gorsuch were actually sexual sparks! They've fallen into each other's arms as a result of the stress and their need for comfort and the rule that opposites attract. So, creeping up to Kagan's bed in the dark, the pilots brain Gorsuch by mistake!
Kagan wakes the camp with her screams & SCOTUS faces off with the pilots. Now there is a long scene where the pilots try to convince the right-wingers to join them in killing Kagan, screaming about the direction America is going in and MAGA and so on and …
… it backfires! The conservative justices, hearing their own views from the pilots' mouths, realize the error of their ways, and (after killing the pilots with rocks) apologize tearfully to the left-wing justices, who smile and say, "Welcome back to the fellowship of Man."
And the right-wing justices say, "We have been so wrong & foolish & stupid & idiotic & also this doesn't say much for our character, and did I mention we were dimwits, but no more," and they all smile lovingly at each other as they dine on Gorsuch & the pilots. (TO BE CONTINUED)
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