BECAUSE J-J-J-JEANS, BUT THEY ARE SHORTS
Me: (nonchalantly while tears start leaking from my eyes middle of Costco) …oh yeah, I can see how that works
Me: 🧐 that's not a nice name to call people
6yo: NO, THE BIRDS. DORKS.
Me: oh. Storks. The birds are called storks.
6yo: OLD AGE.
6yo: IT'S BETTER THAN WALKING THE PLANK, OR SMOKING, OR MURDERED
Me: I think you know how to tell time
6yo: HEY GOOGLE, WHAT TIME IS IT?
Google: It's 11:11
I CAN LIFT A BABY.
Also Me: You know what we get to do when we finish this book?!?
(Correct answer: watch the movie)
6yo: WE GET TO READ THE THIRD HARRY POTTER BOOK!
6yo: MOM. MOM. WE NEED TO STOP.
Me: What's going on?
6yo: I SAW A SIGN BACK THERE. SOMEONE IS LOST OF THEIR PET.
OR THEIR KID.
Me, a pushover: Sure, you can hold our dollar.
6yo: I WANT TO KEEP THIS DOLLAR SO I CAN WRITE ON IT.
Me: What do you want to write?
6yo: GET A PhD
Me: 🤔 Why do you want to write that?
6yo: TO REMIND ME TO GET A PhD WHEN I'M A GROWN UP
Me, driving: Okay Google, how far away is Lake Tahoe by air?
Me: How far away is Lake Tahoe as the crow flies?
6yo: WHAT IS A CROW FLY? IS THAT A KIND OF SUPER FAST AIRPLANE?
Me: Look! They brought you crayons!
6yo: WHY DO YOU SAY IT THAT WAY?
Me, remembering every time my husband pronounced "crayons" as "crans": How do you think I should say it?
Me: (dies one of the hundreds of small deaths of motherhood)
6yo: WHY IS IT 2,018?
Me: the year?
Me: Because in this country we start counting from when Jesus was born. Or when he died. I can't remember which.
6yo: WHY IS EVERYTHING ALWAYS ABOUT JESUS?
JESUS, GOD, AND THE MARY
6yo: WHEN YOU GET OLDER, YOU GET MORE POWERFUL.
6yo: BASEBALL PLAYERS ARE THE SECOND MOST POWERFULLEST
Me: Who's the most powerful?
6yo: NO, WE DON'T WANT TO ERUPT HIM.
6yo: ACTUALLY, DISERRUPT. IF WE CALL HIM WHEN HE IS NOT READY WE MIGHT DISERRUPT HIM.
6yo: DRACO MALFOY!
Me: 😂 I'm sorry, his name starts with a D.
6yo: BUT IT SOUNDS LIKE A J
Me, resigned: You're right, it sounds like a J.
6yo, shaking his head: J-J-DRACO
6yo: WHAT IS CHICKPEAS?
Me: It's the beans we make hummus from
6yo: YOU COULD MIX THOSE WITH LIME TO MAKE GUACAMOLE!
Me: No, guacamole uses avocado
Me: This isn't the NY Times. That's why.
Me: ahhh, that's not true
6yo: DO YOU KNOW THE ORDER THEY WERE MADE?
ALEXA, THEN SIRI, THEN GOOGLE
Alexa: Sorry, I'm not sure about that.
Alexa: (complies, blasts Queen into our kitchen)
6yo: SOMETIMES IT SOUNDS LIKE A LOT OF GIRLS SINGING AND SOMETIMES IT SOUNDS LIKE JUST ONE GUY
🎶 NO TIME FOR LOSERS...
6yo: LIKE IN LORD OF THE RINGS, BUT THEY'RE *REAL*
Me: Uhhh... I don't think it's a thing people eat, but it might be.
6yo: GOOD. BUT I ONLY ATE FIVE OR FOUR QUARTERS OF IT.
Me: Quarters means there are four parts.
6yo: NO, THERE ARE SIX QUARTERS IN BREAD
6yo: MOM, YOU KNOW WHAT I ALWAYS THINK?
6yo: I ALWAYS THINK "WHAT IF REAL LIFE IS ACTUALLY JUST A DREAM?"
Me: Is there something in your hand?
Me: What is it?
Me: Please give that to me so you can go to sleep instead of playing with it.
6yo: okaaayyyy *puts a giant booger into my hand*
Me: ……goodnight, monkey
(Is this a kid's book? A Ricard Scarry character?)
6yo: FIREMAN SCARY!
Us: 🤯 Fireman's Carry!
6yo: FIREMAN SCARY!
Us: Fireman*'s* Carry!
6yo: FIREMAN SCARY!
6yo: YOU JUST GET A PIECE OF PAPER AND THEN YOU DRAW ON IT.
Me: What do you draw?
6yo: WELL, YOU COULD DRAW A *QUARTER*
Me: (dreading vomit)
6yo: I FEEL LIKE EVERYONE ELSE'S BIRTHDAY COMES EVERY 6 MONTHS AND MINE COMES EVERY TWO YEARS
Me: (in Canada) hi monkey!
6yo: WHERE IS THE SNOW?
Me: There's no snow. It was 70° today.
6yo: CAN I SEE THE SNOW?
Me: Why do you think there's snow?
6yo: CAILLOU LIVES IN CANADA AND PLAYS IN SNOW.
Me: Do you want to see a giant inflatable beer?
6yo: LOOK! THIS PAPER IS WET, BUT IT'S STILL STRONG
Me: it is
6yo: (whispers) they must have shedded it thickly from a tree
Me: uh, they take bread dough and fry it in oil and put sugar on top
6yo: CAN A DONUT BE HEALTHY IF IT HAS NUTS ON TOP?
6yo: YOU COULD CALL IT A NUT-DO
6yo: SO WHEN YOU'RE 12 YOU CAN SEE HOW BIG YOU ARE WHEN YOU WERE HALF YOUR SIZE
BUT WHEN YOU ARE STANDING YOU HAVE TWO FEET ON THE GROUND.
6yo: LIFT ME UP!
Me: (lifts him up)
6yo: NOW I WILL LIFT YOU UP (looks at me) HOW MUCH DO YOU WEIGH?
Me: 150 pounds
6yo: OKAY, TRY TO BE AS LIGHT AS YOU CAN
6yo: DID YOU KNOW KHABIB HAS FIT…FITTED…FIGHTED BEARS?
Me: "Fought" bears
Me: I don't know
6yo: I'M NOT FEARED OF ANYTHING
SHARKS ARE IN THE WATER
MONSTER THINGS ARE NOT REAL
DINOSAURS ALL DIED THOUSANDS AND MILLIONS OF YEARS AGO
Me: (my greatest fear is losing you)
6yo: ISN'T IT AMAZING THAT PLANETS HAVE GRAVITY, BUT THERE'S NO GRAVITY IN SPACE?
6yo: IT'S LIKE THE PLANETS HAVE A LID OR SOMETHING…
Me: Everything with mass has gravity
6yo: MAYBE IT'S MORE OF A MEMBRANE
6yo: HOW MUCH IS A COUNTLESS? IS THAT ONE GOOGOLPLEX OR TWO GOOGOLPLEX?
Me: it means 'so many that you can't count them'
6yo: SO INFINITY IS LIKE TWO COUNTLESS
6yo: YOU JUST LICK YOUR HAND SO YOU GET OFF THE OLIVE OIL, THEN YOU WIPE YOUR HAND ON YOUR SHIRT OR YOUR PANTS
Me: Monkey, you need to sleep. Try drinking this milk.
(6yo drinks half the milk, then stops and gives me a serious look)
6yo: DID YOU KNOW IT'S OKAY TO EAT DIRT?
6yo: WHEN YOU TWO ODD NUMBERS IT MAKES A EVEN NUMBER
Me: That's pretty cool
6yo: SO IF YOU HAVE 2 SEVENS, YOU HAVE 5 TWOS, THAT MAKES 10. AND THEN YOU HAVE 2 MORE TWOS.
6yo: I'M GOING TO GO MAKE ELBOW PADS OUT OF PAPER
Me, not exactly lying: In Star Wars they made the movies first
6yo: OH, SO IT'S NOT LIKE HARRY POTTER OR CHARLIE OR MATILDA
Me; It's not. Sorry, monkey.
Google: okay, I added poop to your shopping list
Husband: 😂 You're pretty proud of yourself, aren't you?
6yo: No, I'm funny of myself
Me: Why don't you ask Google if the Warriors are playing tonight
6yo: OK GOOGLE, ARE THE WARRIORS PLAYING TONIGHT?
Google: The Warriors play the Nuggets tomorrow…
6yo: THAT'S SO SILLY
6yo: WHO NAMES A TEAM A FOOD?
6yo: OTIS MACDOGGOLD BULMAN-JONES
6yo: LIKE MCDONALD'S, BUT A DOG
6yo: MOM, IS THE TOOTH FAIRY REAL?
Me: The Tooth Fairy is like Santa and the Easter Bunny
Me: (oh crap)
6yo: CHOCOLATE COMES FROM COCOA BEANS
WHICH ARE A PLANT
SO PEOPLE ARE INVOLVED
WITH THE EASTER BUNNY
6yo: WHAT DOES THE TOOTH FAIRY DO WITH THE TEETH?
Me: (still not committed to the Tooth Fairy being female) Maybe they turn the teeth into money
6yo: OR MAYBE SHE PUTS THE TEETH SOMEWHERE REALLY SAFE AND FAR AWAY
LIKE THE MOON
6yo: NO MOM, PUT YOUR HEAD AGAINST MY HEAD, SO YOU CAN PUT YOUR MIND IN MY MIND, AND I CAN REMEMBER TO LEARN HOW CASHEWS ARE MADE
Me: (mind melds with son)
6yo: OK. NOW WE CAN KISS.
Husband: …that stuff coming out of its abdomen is so strong, but it weighs almost nothing
6yo: DOES IT WEIGH, LIKE, A NEGATIVE BILLION INSTAGRAMS?
MOM. THIS IS LIKE THE EARTH.
6yo: THE DEEPER YOU DIG THE HOTTER IT GETS!
(super serious voice)
I BLAME MYSELF.
Me: It's okay, I know you like apple cider, so I bought it
6yo: OK. I UNBLAME MYSELF.
6yo: I'M 272 PEOPLE FAMOUS
Me: …what does that mean
6yo: MOM. IT MEANS I COUNTED MY RELATIONSHIP AND IT'S 272 PEOPLE.
I THOUGHT IT WAS 273, BUT THEN I REALIZED I WAS COUNTING ROBUS. AND I NEVER MET HIM!
Me: the car is what we call "inanimate" or non-living
6yo: WAS THE CAR ALIVE BEFORE THE DINOSAURS?
Me: the car has never been alive
6yo: WAS IT ALIVE BEFORE THE UNIVERSE WAS MADE?
Me: (chilled by visions of cars haunting pre-existence)
Me: uh, that's called a mole
6yo: DO I HAVE ANY MOLES?
Me: Let me see…you're getting one right here and right here.
6yo: I HOPE I GET *LOTS* OF MOLES.
LET'S GO LOOK AT MY MOLES IN THE MIRROR!
Me: (Googles it) Pre-historic dragonflies had wingspans of 28 inches
6yo: WERE OTHER BUGS BIG?
Me: Google doesn't have a good list of prehistoric bugs.
6yo: IS THAT BECAUSE GOOGLE WASN'T AROUND THEN?
6yo: I VOTED BECAUSE I WANTED TO
Me: That's fine.
6yo: BECAUSE I WANTED THIS (touches "I Voted" sticker)
Me: you wanted a sticker?
6yo: IF YOU DON'T VOTE, YOU DON'T GET THE STICKER
6yo: I LIKE THE SMELL OF NIGHT TIME
6yo: YOU CAN'T REALLY SMELL THE NIGHT, BUT WHAT IF YOU COULD. IT WOULD SMELL NICE.
6yo: BECAUSE "EXPRESS" MEANS FAST.
Me: That's right!
6yo: BUT WHY IS THERE A PANDA?
Me: Well, what kind of food is it?
6yo: PANDA FOOD?
Me: Not quite.
Me, a total sucker: why?
6yo: BECAUSE PEOPLE GIVE YOU STUFF, THEN YOU SAY THANKS, THEN YOU GIVE PEOPLE STUFF.
6yo: I HAVEN'T DECIDED WHAT I AM GOING TO GIVE PEOPLE. I HAVE A LOT OF STUFFED ANIMALS, SO I COULD GIVE SOMEONE ONE.
6yo: LIKE, CAN YOU SAY "THE OCEAN PICKED MOANA" OR SHOULD YOU SAY "THE OCEAN CHOSE MOANA"?
Me: They're both correct
6yo: BUT WHICH ONE SHOULD YOU SAY?
Me: Well, "The ocean chose Moana" sounds more beautiful
6yo: THE OCEAN CHOSE MOANA, MOM.
6yo: WHY ARE WE LISTENING TO LORD OF THE RINGS?
Me: 😐 this is one of the greatest songs ever written
6yo: SO WHEN YOU TYPE INTO A COMPUTER
6yo: YOU CAN'T TYPE OK AS O-C-A-Y
Me: you're right, a computer would not work if you did that (also, is my kid's school teaching programming in Kindergarten?)
Me: (whispers) Can you feel all of my love going in to you?
6yo: (loud whisper) YES, BUT IT WOULD FEEL BETTER IF MY FEET WERE OFF THE GROUND
Me: (lifts him up) better?
6yo: NOW YOUR LOVE IS NOT ESCAPING OUT OF MY FEET
6yo: YOU KNOW WHAT'S STRANGE? NOBODY KNOWS IF YOU'RE A BOY OR A GIRL.
THEY CAN LOOK AT YOU, BUT NOBODY KNOWS IF YOU'RE A GIRL OR IF I'M A BOY. OR IF YOU'RE A BOY OR OF I'M A GIRL.
YOU CAN LOOK AT THEM, BUT YOU DON'T KNOW.
ISN'T THAT COOL?
6yo: WHEN THE GRUFF? THE GRUFFALO? TURNED NICE.
WHAT IS HE?
Me: The Grinch
6yo: WHEN THE GRUFFALO TURNED NICE.
(whispers to self)
MOM, ARE WATER BUFFALOS REAL?
6yo: THEY ARE COMMON OF COOKIES AND COMMON OF MUFFINS
6yo: No mom, what kind *are* they.
Me: Cents is C-E-N-T-S
6yo: T? THAT'S SILLY, MOM
Me: I don't know.
6yo: LET'S ASK GOOGLE
Me: (Googles) Hmm, there's no connection.
6yo: YOUR PHONE IS LIKE LORD SAURON AND THE RING, BUT INSTEAD OF THE EYE, YOU HAVE THE INTERNET.
6yo: Talking about something in your mind can make it happen.
6yo: YOU KNOW HOW HEAT IS SUPER TINY?
Me: Heat isn't a *thing* so much as…a way we describe the state of atoms. We should watch a video that explains how heat works.
6yo: YEAH, BECAUSE I'M NOT SURE YOU KNOW THIS STUFF, MOM
Me: When you're a grown-up you don't get timeouts
6yo: Why not?
Me: You're in charge of yourself
6yo: SO BEING A GROWN-UP IS WORSE THAN TIMEOUTS.
Me: Well, have you ever thought of something that wasn't nice? Or that was scary?
6yo: OH. IF YOU FELL THE COMPUTER WOULD SHOW YOU FALLING AND WHEN YOU CRY IT WOULD SHOW YOU CRYING
Me: At school?
6yo: AT JIU-JITSU. THERE ARE TWO CONNORS.
Me: Ah, Deadpool a character in a movie. He's a good fighter and he can't die.
6yo: SO, DEAD IS LIKE 'DIE' AND POOL IS 'NON' - HIS NAME IS 'NOT-DIE'
6yo: CAN I PUT THIS IN YOUR POCKET?
Me: (sighs) sure, dude
6yo: (v. serious) THIS IS MY BEST DAY EVER
Me: no, what?
6yo: I DON'T LIKE WHEN EVERYONE GOES HOME.
AND THE HOUSE IS EMPTY.
THAT'S WHEN THANKSGIVING IS OVER.
Alexa: Now playing "Raffi Radio" on I Heart Radio
🎵 There was a farmer had a dog and Bingo… 🎵
6yo: (under his breath) THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANTED
6yo: I'M GOING TO DO SOMETHING WHAT INQUIRES YOU FOR BEING NOT NICE TO ME
6yo: I'M GOING TO WRITE A NOTE
6yo: WHAT ARE HOUSES MADE FROM?
Me: Is this a trick question?
6yo: HOUSES ARE MADE FROM TREES. THAT USED TO BE ALIVE. SO OUR HOUSE USED TO BE ALIVE.
Me: oh, I was picturing something much more disturbing
Me: sure (teaches child how to draw a cube)
6yo: THIS IS MAGIC!
Me: I can show you how to draw a 3D star, too
6yo: 3D. 3-DIMENSIONAL. (starts spelling) D-U-M-E-I-T-U-N-L
Me: that's…where did you learn that?
6yo: I LEARNED IT FROM MYSELF.
Me: (mentally planning a room-sized model of the solar system to explain this)
6yo: ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE EARTH FROM AFRICA IS ANAFRICA
6yo: THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S RAINING RIGHT NOWS
Me: that's right
6yo: ACTUALLY, THAT'S NOT RIGHT.
6yo: THE ONLY TIME YOU CAN SAY "NOWS" IS WHEN YOU'RE SAYING "NOW IS A GOOD TIME"
Me: you can't see?…wait, why are your eyes closed?
6yo: MY EYES AREN'T CLOSED. MY FACE IS *COVERING* MY EYES.
Me, in my head: …
Me: Samuel Webster?
6yo: G-O-D. GOD.
Me: (🙏 God help me) Modern English, which is what we speak, didn't even exist a thousand years ago.
Me: (plays videos of Beowulf readings) This is how English sounded.
6yo: I KNOW! D-R-F-V-A-D-O-R
Me: …do you want to try again?
6yo: (whispering to self: DARF? 😮💡TARF?) T-A-R…
Me, expecting to have a discussion about patriotism: why?
6yo: BECAUSE HE'S THE CAPTAIN!
Me: hey monkey, do you need some hugs?
Me: Oh, you are not going to believe how 'guess' is spelled…Do you need hugs?
6yo: I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU'LL BE HERE IN THE MORNING
6yo: YOU KNOW THAT STUFF THAT GOES UP IN THE AIR? ASS?
Me: do you mean ash?
6yo: NO, ASS
Me: the little bits of burned up wood that float in the air…that's ash
6yo: NOT THAT. ASS.
I MEAN ACID.
6yo: IS THAT A FORCE FIELD?
6yo: DID YOU TURN ON A FORCE FIELD SO THE RADIO CAN'T GET INTO THE CAR?
Me: (realizes I didn't do a good job explaining how radio receivers work)
Me: just on fire
6yo: YEAH, I LEARNED THAT FROM "LAND BEFORE TIME"
Me: that's a cartoon, so not everything in it is real—dinosaurs didn't talk
6yo: AND HOW CAN THERE BE A LAND *BEFORE* TIME? IT TAKES TIME TO MAKE LAND!
6yo: EVERY SECOND YOU GET OLDER!
6yo: NOW YOU'RE OLDER!
YOU'RE OLDER AGAIN!
NOW YOU'RE EVEN OLDER!
YOU'RE OLDER MOM!
ISN'T THAT AMAZING?
NOW YOU'RE OLDER!
Me, silently contemplating my own mortality: …
Me: that's called a toothpick
6yo: NO, IT'S CALLED A PIN FORK. IT'S A LITTLE FORK THAT PINS THINGS TOGETHER. PIN FORK.
IN THE OLD-FASHIONED TIMES PEOPLE USED TO USE THEM TO EAT NOODLES.
Me: well, you're eating bacon, which is made from pigs
6yo: WHY DO WE EAT PIGS?
Me: because their meat tastes good to us
6yo: DO WE FEEL BAD?
(10 min later)
6yo: (still eating bacon) WHY ARE PIGS SO CRISPY?
6yo: ENGLISH AND DOG
6yo: YOU KNOW WHY I LIKE THIS COOKIE?
IT'S MADE OF OREO.
Me: Wait, what are Oreos?
6yo: OATS. THIS COOKIE IS MADE FROM OATS.
6yo: AND YOU'RE THE KING OF JELLYFISH
Me: got it. poisonous sea creature is my 2019 aesthetic
Me: (kind of worried) ok
6yo: (whispers) WE'RE BASICALLY GHOSTS WHAT CAN BREATHE.
6yo: BY THE UNIVERSITY! MY DAD IS A PROFESSOR.
KOL: What does he teach?
(if you ever wanted to know what it was like to live with Amelia Bedelia, just have a 6yo)
Me: For now? Or you never want to eat it?
6yo: MOM, I DO NOT SAY NEVER UNLESS I SAY I NEVER WANT TO
GET HIT BY A CAR
PUNCHED BY A BAD GUY
BOWED AND ARROWED
BURNED BY LAVA
TURNED TO GAS BECAUSE I GET TOO CLOSE TO THE SUN
Me: ok, no cookie
6yo: IT'S A VERY, VERY FANCY WAY OF SAYING SURPRISED. MY TEACHER TOLD ME THAT.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT IT REALLY MEANS?
6yo: IT MEANS YOU HAVE A HOLE IN YOUR TIRE. GASTED MEANS A HOLE AND YOU KNOW…FLABBER…THAT'S A TIRE.
Me: Hey monkey, this isn't a good place to play. The street one of the most dangerous places we go.
6yo: MOM. SPACE IS MUCH MORE DANGEROUS.
BUT DON'T WORRY, I'M NOT GOING TO BE AN ASTRONAUT WHEN I GROW UP.
Me: (slowly realizes the lasting impact of Stef Curry's injuries on my son's perception of basketball)
AND GOD AND JESUS AND MARY.
Me: is God a person?
6yo: YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE A PERSON TO BE MAGIC. YOU COULD BE A STEERING WHEEL, A HEADREST, A RADIO…
Me: wait, are you just naming things you see in the car?
Me: I think it's so that after the movie is over you can feel good that life isn't actually that scary.
6yo: LIFE *IS* SCARY. YOU COULD GET HUNTED IN A CAVE BY A BEAR.
OR GET CANCER AND DIE.
OR GET HIT BY A CAR.
6yo: IT'S A WHALE WHAT HAS THE WINGS OF A SEAGULL
6yo: THERE'S ALSO A GWARK
Me: a…shark with wings?
6yo: IT CAN FLY.
Me: that's terrifying
6yo: THE GULLPHIN IS THE MOST COMMON OF ALL OF THESE ANIMALS.
IF IT WAS REAL.
6yo: C MAKES A KUH-SOUND OR A SSS-SOUND, SO I COULD SPELL SAM C-A-M
Me: you could do that
6yo: MOM. MMMM. YOU COULD SPELL MOM AS M-A…N
Me: that's man
6yo: MAN?!? 😂 MAN!
(10 mins after lights-out)
6yo: HEY MOM! MAN!!! (dissolves in laughter)
Me: maybe you could ask Santa for piano lessons
6yo: MOM. YOU CANNOT ASK SANTA FOR PIANO LESSONS.
Me: why not?
6yo: HOW ARE THE ELVES GOING TO MAKE THAT?
6yo: I WISH I HAD A NOBEL PRIZE
Me: oh yeah?
6yo: WHEN I'M A GROWN-UP I WILL MAKE A NOBEL PRIZE FOR BEING NICE TO YOUR FAMILY
Me: that sounds nice
6yo: MOM, YOU WILL NOT WIN IT
Me: (v. confused)
6yo: …R-E-T. SPIRIT.
Me: neither of those start with T
6yo: MOM. CH-CH-CHIPOTLE.
6yo: MOM, MOM. I NEED TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.
6yo: (gives a pointed look to the Chipotle guy making our burrito) I NEED TO WHISPER IT IN YOUR EAR
Me: uh, ok (bends down)
6yo: WHEN WE GET IN THE CAR CAN WE SING THAT SONG FROM MOANA?
Me: @BillNye the Science Guy? We can watch that show.
6yo: YEAH, BILL AND I THE SCIENCE GUY.
6yo: (suddenly serious) *I'M* THE SCIENCE GUY, MOM.
6yo: I'LL HOLD THE SHOPPING BAG
Me: No, I need you to hold my hand so I know where you are
6yo: SO YOU'RE NOT SURPRISED LIKE WHEN THE ORCS THREW THOSE PEOPLE'S HEADS AT THE PEOPLE'S FRIENDS
Me: yes, but also no
Me: so, what's happening now is that the shark is dragging the boat backwards
6yo: that's nice, that they don't even need to drive the boat themselves
6yo: oh no mom! (gets teary-eyed) is the shark going to die?
Husband: He's a writer
6yo: BUT WHY IS HIS NAME SHAKESPEARE?
Husband: Why do you think?
6yo: BUT DAD, WHO SHAKES A BEER?
Me: um, what else could you have been?
Me: He's out for a run
6yo: WHY DOES HE NOT HAVE TO EAT BREAKFAST AND I HAVE TO EAT BREAKFAST?
Me: He'll eat eventually and you turn into a Mr. Grumpy-pants if you don't eat.
6yo: (angry) MOM, I DID NOT GET MYSELF BORN TO HAVE MEAN PARENTS LIKE YOU AND DAD.
Me: I'm aware of boats
6yo: DID YOU KNOW WE CAN EAT THEM?
Me: I don't think that's how boats work
6yo: BOATS ARE MADE FROM WOOD AND WE CAN EAT WOOD
Me: Who has been telling you this?
6yo: WE CAN EAT CARROT WOOD
6yo: I REALLY LIKE THAT SONG
6yo: BUT WHAT ARE THEY GIVING TO EACH OTHER?
Me: YES, LOVE. THAT'S WHAT IT IS.
6yo: OKAY, I THOUGHT MAYBE IT WAS TOYS.
6yo: A DINOSAUR WHAT IS STILL ALIVE UNDER THE GROUND
- YOU COULD KNOW PEOPLE
- YOU COULD BREATHE IT
- WHEN ASTEROIDS HIT IT THEY CATCHED FIRE
JUST LIKE OUR EARTH
Me: That's…the premise of the Spiderman movie
6yo: NO MOM, THAT MOVIE IS ABOUT DIFFERENT DIMENSIONS
Me: are you okay?
6yo: THE BOTTOM OF THE MARIANA TRENCH IS LIKE THE WORD BOTTOM 😂🤣 LIKE YOUR BUTTOM! IT'S SO FUNNY!
6yo: WE'RE WARM BODIED
WE PRODUCE OUR OWN HEAT
WE'RE NOT HUMAN BEINGS
(whispers) like hamsters
but for warm
6yo: HEY MOM, YOU KNOW WHAT YOU CAN DO IF SOMEONE IS TRYING TO DO MATH AND THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT 7+3 IS?
6yo: YOU CAN JUST SAY IT'S 5 2'S AND THEN THEY KNOW IT'S 10
Me: Are you sure you're just six?
Me: Are you wearing…four shirts?
6yo: YES 🤣 AND GUESS HOW MANY PANTS I'M WEARING
Me: 😂 two pairs of pants?
6yo: NO, JUST ONE PAIR!
Me: It looks like two
6yo: I'M WEARING ONE PANT AND ANOTHER PANT. TWO PANTS IS A PAIR!
Me: A floating island…but no human is an island.
6yo: YOU COULD BE A HUMAN ISLAND. YOU JUST GET IN WATER, THEN YOU PUT YOUR LEGS UP AND PUT YOUR ARMS UP AND YOU'RE AN ISLAND.
6yo: THE US IS THE UNITED STATES
Me: yes, it is!
6yo: BUT IT'S NOT JUST STATES
Me: (thinking DC and Puerto Rico, feeling v. proud of my kid) that's right, too!
6yo: THE US IS ALSO RUSSIA
Me: uh, no. That's just not true.
6yo: (v. serious) it *is* true, mom
Me: Are you okay in there?
6yo: I'M JUST SAD
Me: oh monkey, what are you sad about?
6yo: I'M SAD THAT THERE ARE MORE GIRLS THAN BOYS
6yo: AND IN SPACE
Me: (checks) there are more boys than girls in space right now
6yo: OH, OK
Me: What do you think?
6yo: MAYBE THEY JUST WANT TO EAT US
Me: We don't need to worry about cannibals
6yo: WHATS A CANNIMAL?
Me: A *cannibal* is a person who eats other people
6yo: DO THEY EAT THEM WHEN THEY'RE ALIVE OR WHEN THEY'RE DEAD?
Me: (ok we need to re-examine the idea of reincarnation)
6yo: WHEN I DIE I'M GOING TO COME BACK AS A BOY PANDA SO THAT I CAN HELP MAKE MORE BABY PANDAS
Me: (counting to 3 slowly so I don't laugh) That sounds like a plan!
6yo: (vague yelling from outside)
Me: (popping my head out the door) are you okay?
6yo: I HEAR FOOTSTEPS IN THE RAVINE. IT'S PROBABLY A MOUNTAIN LION.
Me: Or a deer.
6yo: MOM. IN THE PERCENT OF THE WORLD, MORE THINGS HUNT AT NIGHT THAN DURING THE DAY.
Me: Tell me one neat thing you did at school today
6yo: WE HAD CIRCLE TIME FOR WHAT NUMBERS CAN MAKE SEVEN. I RAISED MY HAND.
6yo: I WANTED TO SAY ONE HUNDRED MINUS NINETY-THREE MAKES SEVEN, BUT THAT'S TOO EASY.
Me: I think your swim shirt is nylon-lycra and your shorts are polyester
6yo: DID YOU KNOW POLYESTER IS A PERSON'S NAME? BUT IT HASN'T BEEN ANYONE'S NAME FOR A LONG TIME. FOR DECADES AND DECADES.
Me: Balsamic vinegar? The kind we have with bread?
6yo: VOLSONIC, MOM. LIKE SUPERSONIC. LIKE THE AIRPLANE.
Me: (gives up)
Me: Ham is from pigs. What…did you think ham was from?
6yo: I THOUGHT HAM IS MADE BY HUMANS AND MACHINES
Me: (Tony? Died?)
6yo: HE COULD'VE DIED WHEN HE CAME OUT OF THE CAVE AND LANDED IN THE SAND, HE COULD'VE DIED WHEN HE HAD THE IRON MAN BOOTS ON AND FLEW INTO THE WALL…
Me: Wait, Tony Stark? Ironman?
6yo: FUN FACT MOM: SPACE IS THE BIGGEST PLACE IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE UNIVERSE
6yo: THERE ARE A THOUSAND SECONDS IN A YEAR
Me: There are 60 seconds in a just one minute...and (crap, I can't remember this unless I sing it?) 🎶 Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes 🎶…in a year.
6yo: THAT'S A LOT OF MINUTES!
6yo: I HAVE THREE KINGS, SO I AM GOING TO GO HERE AND HERE AND HERE
Husband: Are you talking trash?
6yo: I'M NOT TALKING TRASH, I'M JUST TELLING ALL THE WAYS I'M GOING TO WIN YOU
6yo: MOM, DO YOU BELIEVE IN ALIENS?
Me: I wouldn't say I believe in aliens. It's more that I understand that the universe is so big that there have to be other forms of life in it.
6yo: DID YOU KNOW THAT ON OTHER PLANETS PEOPLE MAKE THE AIR?
Are you trying to think of a different word?
Ass is a not nice way to say butt. What are you trying to say?
MOM, WE HUMANS ARE MOSTLY ASS. THAT LAMP IS ASS.
Do you mean…mass?
6yo: (slaps forehead) OH, MASS!
6yo: WE'RE THE ONLY HAIRED ANIMAL WHAT CAN SPEAK
Me: that's right!
6yo: I SPEAK THREE LANGUAGES:
☝️ SECRET LANGUAGE
✌️ DOG LANGUAGE
Good parenting, self.
Narrator: (describing hadrons)
Me: Do you remember that show we watched about the Large Hadron Collider?
6yo: A HATRON IS WHEN YOU SCORE THREE GOALS IN ONE DAY
6yo: THAT THE FIRST NUMBER IS A ODD NUMBER. IT'S CALLED "ONE"
Me: ah. Do you want to tell me why you like evens more?
6yo: I JUST LIKE THAT THEY'RE EVEN. I LIKE ODD NUMBERS TOO, BUT I LIKE EVEN NUMBERS MORE.
6yo: LET'S WATCH THE FIRST LEGO MOVIE!
Me: That sounds good, we can make popcorn
6yo: TOY STORY 4 IS COMING OUT SOON
6yo: ALSO, WORLD WAR 3 IS GOING TO START SOON
6yo: NO, A FIGHTING.
6yo, eavesdropping: MARRY A FIREFIGHTER? THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.
6yo: THEY DO FIRES AT NIGHT, SO HOW WOULD YOU SLEEP WITH THEM? ALSO, SOMETIMES THEY DIE.
Me: We all die, so don't let that stop you from loving someone.
6yo: IT'S TIME TO GET UNFEARED
6yo: I'VE BEEN ON SLANTER HILLS THAN THIS
6yo: WHEN I WENT CLIMBING WITH GRANDMA AND GOT ALL THE WAY TO THE Z
Me: tar or an oil stain
6yo: OR IT COULD BE ORC BLOOD
6yo: JUST KIDDING! ORCS AREN'T REAL. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT ARE REAL? …ELVES
Me: …(about to say elves aren't real)
6yo: ELVES ARE REAL BECAUSE SANTA IS REAL
6yo: DO YOU MEAN *GREEN* EGGS AND HAM? 😀
Me: Like Dr. Seuss!
6yo: Yeah! 😁
Me: (knows 6yo has been learning about Dr. Seuss at school) Do you want to tell me about Dr. Seuss?
6yo: HE'S DEAD
Me: (totally ready to explain this) the army…
6yo: NO, I MEAN WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE MILITARY AND KNIGHTS
6yo: TELL ME ABOUT THE KNIGHTS OF CALIFORNIA
Me: (prepared to talk about butts) what's that?
6yo: PRIME NUMBERS
Me: Do you know what a prime number is?
6yo: IT'S A ODD NUMBER YOU CAN'T MULTIPLY TO GET ITSELF YOU CAN ONLY PLUS OR MINUS IT
BUT NOT 9. THAT'S 3. 3 TIMES.
6yo: IT'S EXCITING BECAUSE IT HAS WINDSTORMS WHAT ARE FASTER THAN JUPITER'S
IT HAS HYDROGEN WHAT IS DANGEROUS
IT HAS AMMONIA CRYSTALS WHAT ARE DANGEROUS
YOU WOULD DIE IF YOU TRIED TO LIVE THERE
6yo: NO, WAIT…"POOPRAHAM POOPCON" 😂
6yo: IF YOU'RE FROM EUROPE THEN YOU'RE EUROPEAN
6yo: (whispers) european 😂
Me: it's pita
Me: it's a tortilla, but from Greece
Me: (stuffs gyro into the pita)
Me: (gives up) It's a taco
6yo: THIS IS GOOD!
IS THE REASON YOU GAVE ME 1/4 OF A TORTILLA IS BECAUSE I'M 1/4 MEXICAN?
Me: please. eat.
Me: (knows it's Jesus) who?
6yo: HE LIVED THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO
Me: (It's Jesus) oh?
6yo: HE LIVED THE SAME AGE AS YOU AND DAD. BUT IS DEAD.
Me: Is it Jesus?
6yo: HOW DID YOU GUESS?!?
Me: that's not true
6yo: YOU COULD FREEZE A HUMAN BEING IF YOU PUT THEM IS WATER WHAT WAS 35 DEGREES
6yo: 32 DEGREES
Me: That's right. Good job, dude.
6yo: I CAN RUN A LITTLE SLOWER THAN THIS
Me: We're going 50 miles an hour
6yo: I CAN RUN 40 MILES AN HOUR SLOWER THAN THIS
Me: (anything but leprechauns)
6yo: BEFORE I WAS 3 THERE WERE NO KID SHOWS. ONLY SPORTS, LIKE BASEBALL.
Me: Cartoons existed before you were 3. We just didn't let you watch them.
Me: I helped my team get ready for a trip
6yo: ARE THEY TAKING A BOA?
6yo: BOA 747
Me: the plane company is Boeing
Me: Boeing B-O-E-I-N-G
6yo: YOU KNOW THAT THAT SOUNDS LIKE? WINGSTOP.
6yo: BOEINGSTOP 😂
Me: (that one image of Jeff Bezos in a vest flashes before my eyes and I try not to choke on my own laughter)
6yo: (noir accent) COPPAH
6yo: LIKE CANADIANS SAY IT. THERE'S A "R" BUT THEY DON'T SAY IT.
Me: (not even sure how to start fixing this)
6yo: YOU KNOW WHAT I'M MEANT FOR?
6yo: I'M MEANT FOR SPEED
6yo, jumping out of a tree: KEVIN DURANT!
6yo, climbing a tree: NOVAD DJOKOVIC!
Me: It's Novak, with a K
6yo: PEPPERONI WITH CHEESE
Me: pepperoni? great
6yo: NO, PEPPERONI *AND* CHEESE. A PIZZA WITHOUT CHEESE IS JUST BREAD WITH TOPPINGS ON IT.
6yo: SO HE'S BIG BUT SHORT?
Me: no, he's dad-size
6yo: SO HE'S THE SIZE OF DAD, BUT ALSO THE SIZE OF A WOMAN WHO HAS A BABY INSIDE OF HER
6yo: YEAH, THE OTHER SLICES HAD...(covers mouth in horror)
6yo, mouth still covered: (nods)
Me: It's okay if you don't like them
6yo: IT'S A GOOD THING WE'RE NOT POOR AND THE ONLY THING WE HAVE TO EAT IS OLIVES
Me: the red team
6yo: OUR TEAM IS LOSING? NOW I'M NOT HAPPY ABOUT 3 THINGS
6yo: 1. WE HAD TO THROW AWAY OUR SNACK WHEN WE WENT IN THE CAPITOL
2. "YOU SPIN ME ROUND" IS NOT A BEATLES SONG
3. OUR TEAM IS LOSING
Me: That's the name of a company that makes robot vacuums
6yo: SEE! IT *IS* A GOOD NAME FOR A ROBOT VACUUM, MOM.
6yo: ARMY SQUIRRELS, MOM.
ARE THEY REAL?
Me, uncertain and horrified: I don't think so...
6yo: BUT MOM, ARMY DILLOS ARE REAL. SO MAYBE ARMY SQUIRRELS ARE REAL, TOO.
6yo: CAN I STAY HERE?
(5 min later)
6yo, gravely: MOM, I WILL GO TO THE STORE WITH YOU SOMEDAY, BUT IT IS NOT THIS DAY.
Husband, from across the house: ARE YOU QUOTING ARAGORN AT YOUR MOM?
6yo: I DON'T KNOW WHERE MY EASTER BASKET IS. CAN I USE MY PUMPKIN FROM HALLOWEEN?
Me: The Easter Bunny hid your Easter basket and you need to find it
6yo: THAT'S OKAY, I'LL JUST USE MY HALLOWEEN ONE
Me: GO LOOK FOR YOUR EASTER BASKET
6yo: MOM, YOU KNOW SOMETHING *TERRIBLE* THAT PEOPLE CAN DO NOTHING ABOUT?
6yo: THEY MAKE LOTS OF POLLEN AND NOBODY CAN DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.
Me: so, I guess we're discussing allergies this AM?
Me: is something wrong?
6yo: do you know how old I am? I'm 2,701 days, exactly.
Me: so, you've been in bed…doing math?
6yo: tomorrow I'll be 2,702 days old. also I'm going to William's roller skating party at 3:30.
Me: please go to sleep
6yo: THREE SIXES IS EIGHTEEN
Me: is there anything else you wanted to say?
6yo: ONE TIME I COUNTED TO 204, OR 205, OR 206 BY SIXES. SOMEWHERE IN THAT RANGE.
Me: finish that bite first
6yo: (manic chewing)
Me: what did you want to say?
6yo: I'VE ESTIMATED THAT ALL OF THE PARTS OF MY BODY IS ABOUT 5 GALLONS.
IF I WAS MADE OF WATER.
MY HEAD IS ABOUT A GALLON.
MY ARMS AND LEGS AND STUFF ARE FOUR GALLONS.
6yo: WHAT IS THAT THING CALLED? PFG OR DFG?
Me: BFG? Big Friendly Giant?
6yo: NO. PFG OR DFG
Me: can you tell me about it?
6yo: IT'S A THING PEOPLE GET
Me: ahhhh. Ph.D.
6yo: yeah, that's it
Me: wow, that cat is loud
6yo: (mumbles something)
Me: what was that?
6yo: IT HAS A FATAL SOUND
Me, an introvert: hey dude, let's work on your inner monologue
6yo: what's a inner monoglog?
Me: It's when you say things to yourself. In your head. Not out loud.
6yo: BUT MOM, HOW WOULD YOU KNOW WHEN I'M STANDING ON THIS COOL BOX?
6yo: ONE OF THESE TWO TOES THAT CAN'T MOVE BY ITSELF IS HURTING.
Me: It looks like a church, but it's just a clock tower
6yo: IS THERE A DEAD PERSON UP THERE?
6yo: WHY DOESN'T IT HAVE SOMEBODY THAT SOMEONE LOVED INSIDE IT?
Me: They don't put dead people in clock towers
6yo: WELL, THERE COULD BE ONE UP THERE
Me: Do those pants fit you?
(they do not fit)
6yo: YEAH MOM, THEY'RE CALLED UPPERS
6yo: THIS IS ONE IS THE MOST FAMOUS SONGS IN THE WORLD
6yo: I'VE HEARD IT TWO TIMES
6yo: YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE SO GREAT? IF I MET JOHN LENNON.
Me: John Lennon died a long time ago. When I was just a baby.
6yo: SO THIS IS A RECORDING?
Me: Wait, how do you think Spotify works?
6yo: MOM, YOU KNOW THOSE GUYS WHO WERE IN THE CAR CRASH?
6yo: I HOPE THEY HAVE HEALTH INSURANCE
Me: what are prassrids?
6yo: IT'S NOTHING. A TEAM CAN BE NAMED AFTER NOTHING. LIKE THE YANKEES. THAT'S NOT A REAL THING. UNLESS YOU YANK SOMETHING.
6yo: (on a rant) AND THE 76ERS! A 76 IS NOT A PERSON.
6yo: THIS IS THE MOST FAMOUS SONG IN THE WORLD.
IT'S MY FOURTH TIME HEARING IT
6yo: SOMETIMES, I SAY SOMETHING BEFORE I EVEN THINK ABOUT IT.
I SAY IT.
AND THEN AFTER I SAY IT, I SEE IT IN MY HEAD!
AFTER I SAY IT!
6yo: THE SINGER. BILLY JOEL. I'VE SEEN WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE.
Me: what does he look like?
6yo: MOM. (shakes head) IT'S HARD TO DESCRIBE HOW A HUMAN LOOKS.
6yo: ACTUALLY, I NEED TO ASK YOU SOMETHING
IS 16 U S. CUPS A GALLON?
6yo: BECAUSE THERE ARE 8 U.S. OUNCES IN A CUP AND 8 TIMES 8 IS 64 OUNCES AND THAT'S HALF A GALLON.
6yo: ALEXA VOLUME LEVEL 6
Me: there's no…oh, wait
6yo: THAT'S HOW LOUD
Me: Is this about dinner?
6yo: A REAL WAR HAS TO BE BETWEEN TWO COUNTRIES. THE CIVIL WAR WAS NOT REALLY A WAR.
Me: that wasn't about dinner
6yo: I KNOW. I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT CIVIL WAR.
Me: A CIVIL WAR IS A REAL WAR. EAT YOUR PIZZA.
6yo: TIES ARE THE HORRIBLES OF CHESS
MAGNUS CARLSEN WOULD WIN EVERY GAME, BLINFOLDED.
I DON'T THINK THE BEATLES EVEN KNOW WHAT CHESS IS, MOM.
6yo: MY PARENTS!
6yo: AND CHESS
6yo: IS IT WHAT THEY USED TO HAVE NOT VERY GOOD OF A LONG TIME AGO WHEN HUMANS COULD BEAT COMPUTERS AT CHESS?
Me: (reading a murder mystery)
6yo: (with a New Yorker) MOM, DOES THIS SAY "ESTELLY"?
6yo: OKAY, IT WAS HARD TO READ
Me: Can I find a different story for you?
6yo: FIND ME A STORY THAT DOESN'T HAVE MURDERING
ACTUALLY, IT'S OKAY IF IT HAS MURDERING
Me: …Are you taking about Mexican Coke, in glass bottles?
6yo: NO. GRANDPA LIKES TO DRINK SO MUCH DIET COKE.
BECAUSE HE'S MEXICAN
Me, trying to remember how syllogisms are structured: 🤔
6yo: AND THEY HAD LOTS OF WINES THERE
6yo: BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO STORE WINE AT 56 DEGREES IF YOU WANT TO KEEP IT FOR A LONG TIME.