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6yo: (matter-of-factly) MOM, YOU KNOW WHAT I CALL SHORTS THAT ARE JEANS BUT NOT PANTS?

Me: nooo…what?

6yo: JORTS.

BECAUSE J-J-J-JEANS, BUT THEY ARE SHORTS

Me: (nonchalantly while tears start leaking from my eyes middle of Costco) …oh yeah, I can see how that works
6yo: WHERE DO THE DORKS LIVE?

Me: 🧐 that's not a nice name to call people

6yo: NO, THE BIRDS. DORKS.

Me: oh. Storks. The birds are called storks.
6yo: YOU KNOW THE BEST WAY TO DIE?

Me: uh…

6yo: OLD AGE.

Me: ah

6yo: IT'S BETTER THAN WALKING THE PLANK, OR SMOKING, OR MURDERED
6yo: MOM, WHAT TIME IS IT?

Me: I think you know how to tell time

6yo: HEY GOOGLE, WHAT TIME IS IT?

Google: It's 11:11

Me:
6yo: YOU KNOW WHAT YOU NEED TO MAKE A ROBOT?

Me: what?

6yo: FLEXIBILITY

Me: …

6yo: …
6yo: YOU KNOW WHAT I CAN LIFT THAT'S NOT A HUMAN?

I CAN LIFT A BABY.
Me: (almost done reading the second Harry Potter book, which is deceptively long because it uses such small print)

Also Me: You know what we get to do when we finish this book?!?

(Correct answer: watch the movie)

6yo: WE GET TO READ THE THIRD HARRY POTTER BOOK!

Me: 😭
Deeply skeptical at 4 years old
(driving)

6yo: MOM. MOM. WE NEED TO STOP.

Me: What's going on?

6yo: I SAW A SIGN BACK THERE. SOMEONE IS LOST OF THEIR PET.

OR THEIR KID.
6yo: (starts using "blah blah blah" in conversation)

Me: let's stop saying "blah blah blah" so much. A lot of the time it is rude.

6yo: okay

(a week later, 6yo has cut out the "blah blah" …and I find the Blah Blah Blah of Dorian Gray)
6yo: STARS ARE LIKE TREES, THEY FIND YOU HOME WHEN YOU ARE LOST
6yo: CAN WE BUY A COOKIE?

Me, a pushover: Sure, you can hold our dollar.

6yo: I WANT TO KEEP THIS DOLLAR SO I CAN WRITE ON IT.

Me: What do you want to write?

6yo: GET A PhD

Me: 🤔 Why do you want to write that?

6yo: TO REMIND ME TO GET A PhD WHEN I'M A GROWN UP
6yo: HOW FAR IS LAKE TAHOE? BY PLANE.

Me, driving: Okay Google, how far away is Lake Tahoe by air?

📱: (Error)

Me: How far away is Lake Tahoe as the crow flies?

📱: (Error)

6yo: WHAT IS A CROW FLY? IS THAT A KIND OF SUPER FAST AIRPLANE?
First day of Kindergarten
(at a restaurant)

Me: Look! They brought you crayons!

6yo: WHY DO YOU SAY IT THAT WAY?

Me, remembering every time my husband pronounced "crayons" as "crans": How do you think I should say it?

6yo: CRANS

Me: (dies one of the hundreds of small deaths of motherhood)
(in line at the grocery store)

6yo: WHY IS IT 2,018?

Me: the year?

6yo: YEAH

Me: Because in this country we start counting from when Jesus was born. Or when he died. I can't remember which.

6yo: WHY IS EVERYTHING ALWAYS ABOUT JESUS?

JESUS, GOD, AND THE MARY
(still in the checkout line)

6yo: WHEN YOU GET OLDER, YOU GET MORE POWERFUL.

Me: oh?

6yo: BASEBALL PLAYERS ARE THE SECOND MOST POWERFULLEST

Me: Who's the most powerful?

6yo: GOD
Me: Should we call Grandpa?

6yo: NO, WE DON'T WANT TO ERUPT HIM.

Me: oh?

6yo: ACTUALLY, DISERRUPT. IF WE CALL HIM WHEN HE IS NOT READY WE MIGHT DISERRUPT HIM.
6yo: (pretending) YOU'LL NEVER GET ME, J!

Me: J?

6yo: J-J-J

Me: ??

6yo: DRACO MALFOY!

Me: 😂 I'm sorry, his name starts with a D.

6yo: BUT IT SOUNDS LIKE A J

Me, resigned: You're right, it sounds like a J.

6yo, shaking his head: J-J-DRACO
Me: (reading Arthur's Perfect Christmas) "…made with chickpeas"

6yo: WHAT IS CHICKPEAS?

Me: It's the beans we make hummus from

6yo: YOU COULD MIX THOSE WITH LIME TO MAKE GUACAMOLE!

Me: No, guacamole uses avocado

6yo: WHY?

Me: This isn't the NY Times. That's why.

6yo: ???
6yo: THIS IS MY IPAD.

QUASI HAS TEETH, SO I DREW HIS TEETH.

BUT NOW HE LOOKS MEAN.

TEETH RUIN EVERYTHING.
6yo: DID YOU KNOW THAT EVERY COMPUTER IS GOOGLE?

Me: ahhh, that's not true

6yo: DO YOU KNOW THE ORDER THEY WERE MADE?

ALEXA, THEN SIRI, THEN GOOGLE

Alexa: Sorry, I'm not sure about that.
6yo: ALEXA, PLAY "WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS"

Alexa: (complies, blasts Queen into our kitchen)

6yo: SOMETIMES IT SOUNDS LIKE A LOT OF GIRLS SINGING AND SOMETIMES IT SOUNDS LIKE JUST ONE GUY

🎶 NO TIME FOR LOSERS...
6yo: YOU KNOW WHAT CHAMPIONS ARE? THEY'RE PEOPLE WHO FIGHT.

Me: ??

6yo: LIKE IN LORD OF THE RINGS, BUT THEY'RE *REAL*
6yo: WHAT DOES IT MAKE IF YOU MIX YOGURT AND BLOOD?

Me: Uhhh... I don't think it's a thing people eat, but it might be.
6yo: WHAT MAKES TV BESIDE PICTURES AND THE INTERNET?

Me:
Me: How was the zucchini bread we made?

6yo: GOOD. BUT I ONLY ATE FIVE OR FOUR QUARTERS OF IT.

Me: Quarters means there are four parts.

6yo: NO, THERE ARE SIX QUARTERS IN BREAD
Us Parents: (Trying to explain the ballot measure process to a 6yo)

6yo: MOM, YOU KNOW WHAT I ALWAYS THINK?

Me: ??

6yo: I ALWAYS THINK "WHAT IF REAL LIFE IS ACTUALLY JUST A DREAM?"
(just after goodnight kisses)

Me: Is there something in your hand?

6yo: no

Me: What is it?

6yo: nothing

Me: Please give that to me so you can go to sleep instead of playing with it.

6yo: okaaayyyy *puts a giant booger into my hand*

Me: ……goodnight, monkey
6yo: IS THAT A MUG?

Me: (not sure what he's getting at) yyyeeeees

6yo: WHY DOES IT HAVE A "G" AND NOT A "M"? MUG STARTS WITH M. G IS AT THE END!

Me: The G is for "Google"

(silence)

6yo: AHHHHHH. THAT MAKES SENSE. GOOGLE STARTS WITH G.
6yo: YOU KNOW WHAT KIND OF JOB I'M GOING TO HAVE? I'M GOING TO HAVE A JOB THAT IS A EASY JOB. LIKE YOURS OR DAD'S.

Me: oh? What is my job?

6yo: COMPUTER STUFF

(he wrote it for me)
6yo: DO YOU KNOW FIREMAN SCARY?

Me: 🤔
Husband: 🤨
(Is this a kid's book? A Ricard Scarry character?)

6yo: FIREMAN SCARY!

Us: 🤯 Fireman's Carry!

6yo: FIREMAN SCARY!

Us: Fireman*'s* Carry!

6yo: FIREMAN SCARY!
If you're a professor?

YUWHAFTIW
MEAKE
RESRCH
OMG, this phase is awesome
6yo: YOU KNOW HOW YOU MAKE MONEY?

Me: ??

6yo: YOU JUST GET A PIECE OF PAPER AND THEN YOU DRAW ON IT.

Me: What do you draw?

6yo: WELL, YOU COULD DRAW A *QUARTER*
6yo: 🤒

Me: why don't you lay down

6yo: I DON'T NEED TO LAY DOWN!!!!

(10 sec later)
6yo: YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL?

Me: (dreading vomit)

6yo: I FEEL LIKE EVERYONE ELSE'S BIRTHDAY COMES EVERY 6 MONTHS AND MINE COMES EVERY TWO YEARS
(video chatting with 6yo)

Me: (in Canada) hi monkey!

6yo: WHERE IS THE SNOW?

Me: There's no snow. It was 70° today.

6yo: CAN I SEE THE SNOW?

Me: Why do you think there's snow?

6yo: CAILLOU LIVES IN CANADA AND PLAYS IN SNOW.

Me: Do you want to see a giant inflatable beer?
(holding cardstock)

6yo: LOOK! THIS PAPER IS WET, BUT IT'S STILL STRONG

Me: it is

6yo: (whispers) they must have shedded it thickly from a tree
6yo: HOW DO THEY MAKE DONUTS?

Me: uh, they take bread dough and fry it in oil and put sugar on top

6yo: CAN A DONUT BE HEALTHY IF IT HAS NUTS ON TOP?

Me: 🤔

6yo: YOU COULD CALL IT A NUT-DO
6yo: YOU KNOW WHY YOU HAVE SCHOOL PICTURES?

Me: why?

6yo: SO WHEN YOU'RE 12 YOU CAN SEE HOW BIG YOU ARE WHEN YOU WERE HALF YOUR SIZE
6yo: WHEN YOU ARE WALKING YOU HAVE ONE FOOT OFF THE GROUND!

(demonstrates)

BUT WHEN YOU ARE STANDING YOU HAVE TWO FEET ON THE GROUND.
(hugging)

6yo: LIFT ME UP!

Me: (lifts him up)

6yo: NOW I WILL LIFT YOU UP (looks at me) HOW MUCH DO YOU WEIGH?

Me: 150 pounds

6yo: OKAY, TRY TO BE AS LIGHT AS YOU CAN
6yo: MOM. MOM.

Me: yes?

6yo: DID YOU KNOW KHABIB HAS FIT…FITTED…FIGHTED BEARS?

Me: "Fought" bears

6yo: 🧐
6yo: WHAT IS MY GREATEST FEAR?

Me: I don't know

6yo: I'M NOT FEARED OF ANYTHING

SHARKS ARE IN THE WATER

MONSTER THINGS ARE NOT REAL

DINOSAURS ALL DIED THOUSANDS AND MILLIONS OF YEARS AGO

Me: (my greatest fear is losing you)
Us: (watching videos about space)

6yo: ISN'T IT AMAZING THAT PLANETS HAVE GRAVITY, BUT THERE'S NO GRAVITY IN SPACE?

Me: Well…

6yo: IT'S LIKE THE PLANETS HAVE A LID OR SOMETHING…

Me: Everything with mass has gravity

6yo: MAYBE IT'S MORE OF A MEMBRANE
Narrator: the Milky Way's countless stars…

6yo: HOW MUCH IS A COUNTLESS? IS THAT ONE GOOGOLPLEX OR TWO GOOGOLPLEX?

Me: it means 'so many that you can't count them'

6yo: SO INFINITY IS LIKE TWO COUNTLESS
Sam is terrific
6yo: YOU KNOW HOW YOU CAN CLEAN YOUR HAND IF YOU GET SOMETHING LIKE OLIVE OIL ON YOURSELF?

Me: ??

6yo: YOU JUST LICK YOUR HAND SO YOU GET OFF THE OLIVE OIL, THEN YOU WIPE YOUR HAND ON YOUR SHIRT OR YOUR PANTS
6yo: (totally psyched about his first loose tooth !!! and NOT FALLING ASLEEP)

Me: Monkey, you need to sleep. Try drinking this milk.

(6yo drinks half the milk, then stops and gives me a serious look)

6yo: DID YOU KNOW IT'S OKAY TO EAT DIRT?
(go fish)

6yo: MOM. MOM. MOM.

Me: ???

6yo: WHY. IS THE OCTOPUS. THE ONE. AND NOT. THE EIGHT?!?

(I wish I could properly describe the indignation)
6yo: YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKE?

Me: M&Ms?

6yo: WHEN YOU TWO ODD NUMBERS IT MAKES A EVEN NUMBER

Me: That's pretty cool

6yo: SO IF YOU HAVE 2 SEVENS, YOU HAVE 5 TWOS, THAT MAKES 10. AND THEN YOU HAVE 2 MORE TWOS.

FOURTEEN.

Me: …

6yo: I'M GOING TO GO MAKE ELBOW PADS OUT OF PAPER
6yo: MOM, CAN WE READ THE STAR WARS BOOKS FOR THE MOVIES?

Me: (nooooo)

Me, not exactly lying: In Star Wars they made the movies first

6yo: OH, SO IT'S NOT LIKE HARRY POTTER OR CHARLIE OR MATILDA

Me; It's not. Sorry, monkey.
6yo: Hey Google, add poop to my shopping list

Google: okay, I added poop to your shopping list

6yo: 😂

Husband: 😂 You're pretty proud of yourself, aren't you?

6yo: No, I'm funny of myself
6yo: MOM, CAN WE WATCH A BASKETBALL GAME TONIGHT?

Me: Why don't you ask Google if the Warriors are playing tonight

6yo: OK GOOGLE, ARE THE WARRIORS PLAYING TONIGHT?

Google: The Warriors play the Nuggets tomorrow…

6yo: THAT'S SO SILLY

Me: ???

6yo: WHO NAMES A TEAM A FOOD?
6yo: OTIS'S NAME HAS 25 LETTERS

Me: ??

6yo: OTIS MACDOGGOLD BULMAN-JONES

Me: MacDoggold?

6yo: LIKE MCDONALD'S, BUT A DOG

Me:…

6yo: M-A-C-D-O-G…
🚨 LOST TOOTH 🚨

6yo: MOM, IS THE TOOTH FAIRY REAL?

Me: The Tooth Fairy is like Santa and the Easter Bunny

6yo: (thinks)

Me: (oh crap)

6yo: CHOCOLATE COMES FROM COCOA BEANS

WHICH ARE A PLANT

SO PEOPLE ARE INVOLVED

WITH THE EASTER BUNNY
🚨 LOST TOOTH 🚨

6yo: WHAT DOES THE TOOTH FAIRY DO WITH THE TEETH?

Me: (still not committed to the Tooth Fairy being female) Maybe they turn the teeth into money

6yo: OR MAYBE SHE PUTS THE TEETH SOMEWHERE REALLY SAFE AND FAR AWAY

LIKE THE MOON
We made a list of things to learn about:

WATER BEARS IN SPACE
X-RAYS
MAGNETS
CAR ENGINE WORKS
CRAYONS
(Not sure what the last 3 letters refer to)
Me: Hey monkey, give me a kiss before I go!

6yo: NO MOM, PUT YOUR HEAD AGAINST MY HEAD, SO YOU CAN PUT YOUR MIND IN MY MIND, AND I CAN REMEMBER TO LEARN HOW CASHEWS ARE MADE

Me: (mind melds with son)

6yo: OK. NOW WE CAN KISS.
(watching a spider spin a web)

Husband: …that stuff coming out of its abdomen is so strong, but it weighs almost nothing

6yo: DOES IT WEIGH, LIKE, A NEGATIVE BILLION INSTAGRAMS?
6yo: (eating his first lava cake)

MOM. THIS IS LIKE THE EARTH.

Me: ??

6yo: THE DEEPER YOU DIG THE HOTTER IT GETS!
6yo: (whispering) MOM, I FORGOT TO TELL YOU YESTERDAY I WANTED APPLE CIDER. SO WE DIDN'T GET IT.

(super serious voice)

I BLAME MYSELF.

Me: It's okay, I know you like apple cider, so I bought it

6yo: OK. I UNBLAME MYSELF.
WE CHEER BOSTON

#Boston #WorldSeries
6yo: MOM, DO YOU KNOW HOW FAMOUS I AM?

Me: (wtf?)

6yo: I'M 272 PEOPLE FAMOUS

Me: …what does that mean

6yo: MOM. IT MEANS I COUNTED MY RELATIONSHIP AND IT'S 272 PEOPLE.

I THOUGHT IT WAS 273, BUT THEN I REALIZED I WAS COUNTING ROBUS. AND I NEVER MET HIM!
Halloween 2018
"I want to be a creepy ghost"
Best ghost.
6yo: MOM, IS THE CAR DEAD?

Me: the car is what we call "inanimate" or non-living

6yo: WAS THE CAR ALIVE BEFORE THE DINOSAURS?

Me: the car has never been alive

6yo: WAS IT ALIVE BEFORE THE UNIVERSE WAS MADE?

Me: (chilled by visions of cars haunting pre-existence)
6yo: MOM, CAN I TOUCH YOUR NIPPLE? (points at my face)

Me: uh, that's called a mole

6yo: DO I HAVE ANY MOLES?

Me: Let me see…you're getting one right here and right here.

6yo: I HOPE I GET *LOTS* OF MOLES.

LET'S GO LOOK AT MY MOLES IN THE MIRROR!
6yo: HOW BIG WAS THE BIGGEST BUG?

Me: (Googles it) Pre-historic dragonflies had wingspans of 28 inches

6yo: WERE OTHER BUGS BIG?

Me: Google doesn't have a good list of prehistoric bugs.

6yo: IS THAT BECAUSE GOOGLE WASN'T AROUND THEN?
Me: Thank you for coming with me to vote

6yo: I VOTED BECAUSE I WANTED TO

Me: That's fine.

6yo: BECAUSE I WANTED THIS (touches "I Voted" sticker)

Me: you wanted a sticker?

6yo: IF YOU DON'T VOTE, YOU DON'T GET THE STICKER
6yo: YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKE?

Me: ??

6yo: I LIKE THE SMELL OF NIGHT TIME

Me: ah

6yo: YOU CAN'T REALLY SMELL THE NIGHT, BUT WHAT IF YOU COULD. IT WOULD SMELL NICE.
6yo: YOU KNOW WHY THEY CALL IT PANDA EXPRESS?
Me: why?
6yo: BECAUSE "EXPRESS" MEANS FAST.
Me: That's right!
6yo: BUT WHY IS THERE A PANDA?
Me: Well, what kind of food is it?
6yo: PANDA FOOD?
Me: Not quite.
6yo: COOKIES?
Me: 🤦
6yo: YOU KNOW WHY THEY CALL IT THANKSGIVING?
Me, a total sucker: why?
6yo: BECAUSE PEOPLE GIVE YOU STUFF, THEN YOU SAY THANKS, THEN YOU GIVE PEOPLE STUFF.
Me: uhhh
6yo: I HAVEN'T DECIDED WHAT I AM GOING TO GIVE PEOPLE. I HAVE A LOT OF STUFFED ANIMALS, SO I COULD GIVE SOMEONE ONE.
6yo: MOM, IS PICKED A REAL WORD?
Me: 🤔
6yo: LIKE, CAN YOU SAY "THE OCEAN PICKED MOANA" OR SHOULD YOU SAY "THE OCEAN CHOSE MOANA"?
Me: They're both correct
6yo: BUT WHICH ONE SHOULD YOU SAY?
Me: Well, "The ocean chose Moana" sounds more beautiful
6yo: THE OCEAN CHOSE MOANA, MOM.
Me: Okay Google, play a video Beethoven's 5th Symphony

🎶🎼🎺🎹🎵🎶

6yo: WHY ARE WE LISTENING TO LORD OF THE RINGS?

Me: 😐 this is one of the greatest songs ever written
Dear motorists:

HIT A PERSON?
X TO THAT

NOT HIT?
YES
6yo: IT'S A IMPORTANCE TO KNOW HOW TO SPELL. YOU KNOW WHY?

Me: Why?

6yo: SO WHEN YOU TYPE INTO A COMPUTER

Me: ah

6yo: YOU CAN'T TYPE OK AS O-C-A-Y

Me: you're right, a computer would not work if you did that (also, is my kid's school teaching programming in Kindergarten?)
6yo: MOM, CAN I GIVE YOU A HUG?

Me: yes!

(hugging)

Me: (whispers) Can you feel all of my love going in to you?

6yo: (loud whisper) YES, BUT IT WOULD FEEL BETTER IF MY FEET WERE OFF THE GROUND

Me: (lifts him up) better?

6yo: NOW YOUR LOVE IS NOT ESCAPING OUT OF MY FEET
(looking a pictures of Abe Lincoln)

6yo: YOU KNOW WHAT'S STRANGE? NOBODY KNOWS IF YOU'RE A BOY OR A GIRL.

THEY CAN LOOK AT YOU, BUT NOBODY KNOWS IF YOU'RE A GIRL OR IF I'M A BOY. OR IF YOU'RE A BOY OR OF I'M A GIRL.

YOU CAN LOOK AT THEM, BUT YOU DON'T KNOW.

ISN'T THAT COOL?
Me: What was your favorite part of the movie?

6yo: WHEN THE GRUFF? THE GRUFFALO? TURNED NICE.

WHAT IS HE?

Me: The Grinch

6yo: WHEN THE GRUFFALO TURNED NICE.

(whispers to self)
gruffalo…
buffalo…
water buffalo…

MOM, ARE WATER BUFFALOS REAL?
6yo: YOU KNOW THE COMMON OF ENGLISH THINGS?

Me: ??

6yo: THEY ARE COMMON OF COOKIES AND COMMON OF MUFFINS

Me: …
Me: You have a dime and a penny. How much is that?
6yo: No mom, what kind *are* they.
Me: ?
6yo: S-E-N-S
Me: 🤔
6yo: S-E-N-N-S-S?
Me: 🧐
6yo: S-E-E-N-N-S-S?
Me: Cents is C-E-N-T-S
6yo: T? THAT'S SILLY, MOM
6yo: MOM, HOW FAST IS SUPERSONIC?

Me: I don't know.

6yo: LET'S ASK GOOGLE

Me: (Googles) Hmm, there's no connection.

6yo: YOUR PHONE IS LIKE LORD SAURON AND THE RING, BUT INSTEAD OF THE EYE, YOU HAVE THE INTERNET.
6yo: Isn't it cool that your mind lives in your brain? People think your brain just thinks, but your mind helps it think better.

Me: oh?

6yo: Talking about something in your mind can make it happen.
(discussing why dogs pant)

6yo: YOU KNOW HOW HEAT IS SUPER TINY?

Me: Heat isn't a *thing* so much as…a way we describe the state of atoms. We should watch a video that explains how heat works.

6yo: YEAH, BECAUSE I'M NOT SURE YOU KNOW THIS STUFF, MOM
6yo: HOW MANY TIMEOUTS HAVE YOU GOTTEN SINCE YOU'VE BEEN A GROWN-UP?

Me: When you're a grown-up you don't get timeouts

6yo: Why not?

Me: You're in charge of yourself

6yo: SO BEING A GROWN-UP IS WORSE THAN TIMEOUTS.
6yo: WHAT IF COMPUTERS HAD BRAINS AND THEY KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING AND JUST DID WHAT YOU THINK?

Me: Well, have you ever thought of something that wasn't nice? Or that was scary?

6yo: OH. IF YOU FELL THE COMPUTER WOULD SHOW YOU FALLING AND WHEN YOU CRY IT WOULD SHOW YOU CRYING
6yo: YOU KNOW WHAT THEY CALL CONNOR? DEADPOOL. THAT'S NOT NICE.

Me: At school?

6yo: AT JIU-JITSU. THERE ARE TWO CONNORS.

Me: Ah, Deadpool a character in a movie. He's a good fighter and he can't die.

6yo: SO, DEAD IS LIKE 'DIE' AND POOL IS 'NON' - HIS NAME IS 'NOT-DIE'

Me:
(6yo finds a rubber band on the floor at the grocery store)

6yo: CAN I PUT THIS IN YOUR POCKET?

Me: (sighs) sure, dude

6yo: (v. serious) THIS IS MY BEST DAY EVER
6yo: YOU KNOW WHAT I DONT LIKE ABOUT THE DAY AFTER THANKSGIVING AND THE NIGHT OF THANKSGIVING?

Me: no, what?

6yo: I DON'T LIKE WHEN EVERYONE GOES HOME.

AND THE HOUSE IS EMPTY.

THAT'S WHEN THANKSGIVING IS OVER.
6yo: WHY DO THEY CALL IT A TAPE DISPENSER? IF IT WAS REALLY A TAPE DISPENSER, YOU WOULD JUST PUT YOUR HAND UNDER IT AND TAPE WOULD COME OUT.
6yo: ALEXA, PLAY "BABY SHARK" FOR A VERY LONG TIME, OKAY?

Alexa: Now playing "Raffi Radio" on I Heart Radio

🎵 There was a farmer had a dog and Bingo… 🎵

6yo: (under his breath) THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANTED
6yo: I'M GOING TO DO SOMETHING WHEN I GET HOME

Me: ok

6yo: I'M GOING TO DO SOMETHING WHAT INQUIRES YOU FOR BEING NOT NICE TO ME

Me: ok

6yo: I'M GOING TO WRITE A NOTE
6yo: DID YOU KNOW THAT OUR HOME USED TO BE ALIVE?

Me: uh…

6yo: WHAT ARE HOUSES MADE FROM?

Me: Is this a trick question?

6yo: HOUSES ARE MADE FROM TREES. THAT USED TO BE ALIVE. SO OUR HOUSE USED TO BE ALIVE.

Me: oh, I was picturing something much more disturbing
6yo: (pointing to the thousands cube) CAN YOU SHOW ME HOW TO DRAW THAT?

Me: sure (teaches child how to draw a cube)

6yo: THIS IS MAGIC!

Me: I can show you how to draw a 3D star, too

6yo: 3D. 3-DIMENSIONAL. (starts spelling) D-U-M-E-I-T-U-N-L
6yo: MOM, DID YOU KNOW IT NEVER GETS DARK IN AFRICA?

Me: that's…where did you learn that?

6yo: I LEARNED IT FROM MYSELF.

Me: (mentally planning a room-sized model of the solar system to explain this)

6yo: ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE EARTH FROM AFRICA IS ANAFRICA

Me:
6yo: DO YOU KNOW HOW I WOULD SPELL 'NO' IF I DECIDED THINGS?

Me: how?

6yo: N-E-U-O-W-E
Me: Let's be careful on the deck, it's very slippery

6yo: THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S RAINING RIGHT NOWS

Me: that's right

6yo: ACTUALLY, THAT'S NOT RIGHT.

Me: ???

6yo: THE ONLY TIME YOU CAN SAY "NOWS" IS WHEN YOU'RE SAYING "NOW IS A GOOD TIME"

NOWS

Me: …
6yo: HOLD MY HAND BECAUSE I CAN'T SEE

Me: you can't see?…wait, why are your eyes closed?

6yo: MY EYES AREN'T CLOSED. MY FACE IS *COVERING* MY EYES.

Me, in my head: …
6yo: MOM, DO YOU KNOW WHO INVENTED THE WAY WE SPELL?

Me: Samuel Webster?

6yo: G-O-D. GOD.

Me: (🙏 God help me) Modern English, which is what we speak, didn't even exist a thousand years ago.

6yo: ???

Me: (plays videos of Beowulf readings) This is how English sounded.

6yo:
Me: One of our errands today is getting a new ornament. What should we get?

6yo: I KNOW! D-R-F-V-A-D-O-R

Me: …do you want to try again?

6yo: (whispering to self: DARF? 😮💡TARF?) T-A-R…
(at McDonald's)

6yo: SESAME SEEDS ARE REALLY GOOD FOR YOU

Me, thinking of tahini: yeah…they are?

6yo: THAT'S WHY BURGERS ARE GOOD FOR YOU. THEY HAVE SESAME SEEDS.
6yo: DO YOU KNOW WHY THEY CALL HIM CAPTAIN AMERICA?

Me, expecting to have a discussion about patriotism: why?

6yo: BECAUSE HE'S THE CAPTAIN!
6yo: (gets out of bed 20 min after bed time)

Me: hey monkey, do you need some hugs?

6yo: G-A-S

Me: gas?

6yo: G-E-S

Me: Oh, you are not going to believe how 'guess' is spelled…Do you need hugs?

6yo: I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU'LL BE HERE IN THE MORNING

Me: 💔
6yo: YOU KNOW HOW FLAMES BURN UP INTO THE AIR?

Me: mhmm

6yo: YOU KNOW THAT STUFF THAT GOES UP IN THE AIR? ASS?

Me: do you mean ash?

6yo: NO, ASS

Me: the little bits of burned up wood that float in the air…that's ash

6yo: NOT THAT. ASS.



I MEAN ACID.
Me: (turns off the car radio)

6yo: IS THAT A FORCE FIELD?

Me: uhh

6yo: DID YOU TURN ON A FORCE FIELD SO THE RADIO CAN'T GET INTO THE CAR?

Me: (realizes I didn't do a good job explaining how radio receivers work)
6yo: DOES LAVA EXPLODE THINGS OR JUST CATCH THEM ON FIRE?

Me: just on fire

6yo: YEAH, I LEARNED THAT FROM "LAND BEFORE TIME"

Me: that's a cartoon, so not everything in it is real—dinosaurs didn't talk

6yo: AND HOW CAN THERE BE A LAND *BEFORE* TIME? IT TAKES TIME TO MAKE LAND!
6yo: MOM. MOM. MOM.

Me: ??

6yo: EVERY SECOND YOU GET OLDER!

Me: yep

6yo: NOW YOU'RE OLDER!
YOU'RE OLDER AGAIN!
OLDER!
NOW YOU'RE EVEN OLDER!
YOU'RE OLDER MOM!

ISN'T THAT AMAZING?

NOW YOU'RE OLDER!
OLDER!

Me, silently contemplating my own mortality: …
6yo: (looks at my sandwich) MOM, WHY DO YOU HAVE A PIN FORK?

Me: that's called a toothpick

6yo: NO, IT'S CALLED A PIN FORK. IT'S A LITTLE FORK THAT PINS THINGS TOGETHER. PIN FORK.

IN THE OLD-FASHIONED TIMES PEOPLE USED TO USE THEM TO EAT NOODLES.

Me:…
6yo: DO WE EVER FEEL BAD FOR CHICKENS?

Me: well, you're eating bacon, which is made from pigs

6yo: WHY DO WE EAT PIGS?

Me: because their meat tastes good to us

6yo: DO WE FEEL BAD?

Me: sometimes

(10 min later)

6yo: (still eating bacon) WHY ARE PIGS SO CRISPY?
6yo: I SPEAK TWO LANGUAGES

Me: ???

6yo: ENGLISH AND DOG
(confession: once a month I being home Oreos from work)

6yo: YOU KNOW WHY I LIKE THIS COOKIE?

IT'S MADE OF OREO.

Me: (driving)

Me: Wait, what are Oreos?

6yo: OATS. THIS COOKIE IS MADE FROM OATS.

Me:
6yo: I'M THE KING OF TURTLES

Me: ok

6yo: AND YOU'RE THE KING OF JELLYFISH

Me: got it. poisonous sea creature is my 2019 aesthetic

6yo:
6yo: MOM, CAN I TELL YOU SOMETHING? IT'S A SECRET. YOU CAN'T TELL DAD.

Me: (kind of worried) ok

6yo: (whispers) WE'RE BASICALLY GHOSTS WHAT CAN BREATHE.
Kind old lady: Where do you live?

6yo: BY THE UNIVERSITY! MY DAD IS A PROFESSOR.

KOL: What does he teach?

6yo: STUDENTS

(if you ever wanted to know what it was like to live with Amelia Bedelia, just have a 6yo)
Me: (comes out of bathroom and all curtains are tied together in double knots)

Me: Really? (undoes curtains)

6yo: GRRRRR! YOU RUINED MY SURPRISE!

(5 min later)

6yo: I WROTE YOU A NOTE

Me: (reading) "DEAR MOM YOU'RE DOUBLE SO MEAN" wait, what does this say?

6yo: POO

Me: 😂
6yo: MOM, I DON'T WANT THIS COOKIE

Me: For now? Or you never want to eat it?

6yo: MOM, I DO NOT SAY NEVER UNLESS I SAY I NEVER WANT TO
GET HIT BY A CAR
PUNCHED BY A BAD GUY
BOWED AND ARROWED
BURNED BY LAVA
TURNED TO GAS BECAUSE I GET TOO CLOSE TO THE SUN

Me: ok, no cookie
6yo: WHY DOES SANTA LOOK SO MEAN?

Me: That's the back of the ornament. We're not supposed to see that side.

6yo: SO DOES THE BACK OF OUR FACE LOOK LIKE THAT?

Me: The backs of our faces look much meaner
6yo: YOU KNOW WHAT FLABBERGASTED MEANS?

Me: ?

6yo: IT'S A VERY, VERY FANCY WAY OF SAYING SURPRISED. MY TEACHER TOLD ME THAT.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT IT REALLY MEANS?

Me: 🤔

6yo: IT MEANS YOU HAVE A HOLE IN YOUR TIRE. GASTED MEANS A HOLE AND YOU KNOW…FLABBER…THAT'S A TIRE.
6yo: (skipping from one zebra line to another in the crosswalk)

Me: Hey monkey, this isn't a good place to play. The street one of the most dangerous places we go.

6yo: MOM. SPACE IS MUCH MORE DANGEROUS.

BUT DON'T WORRY, I'M NOT GOING TO BE AN ASTRONAUT WHEN I GROW UP.
6yo: (proceeds to list dangerous workplaces to avoid, including an airport, dump, racecar, and professional basketball)

Me: (slowly realizes the lasting impact of Stef Curry's injuries on my son's perception of basketball)

6yo: THERE ARE 2 PEOPLE WHAT ARE MAGICAL: SANTA AND THE TOOTH FAIRY.

AND GOD AND JESUS AND MARY.

Me: is God a person?

6yo: YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE A PERSON TO BE MAGIC. YOU COULD BE A STEERING WHEEL, A HEADREST, A RADIO…

Me: wait, are you just naming things you see in the car?
6yo: WHY DO THEY MAKE MOVIES WHAT ARE SCARY?

Me: I think it's so that after the movie is over you can feel good that life isn't actually that scary.

6yo: LIFE *IS* SCARY. YOU COULD GET HUNTED IN A CAVE BY A BEAR.

OR GET CANCER AND DIE.

OR GET HIT BY A CAR.

AND DIE.

Me: uh
6yo: MOM, HAVE YOU HEARD OF A GWALE?

Me: ??

6yo: IT'S A WHALE WHAT HAS THE WINGS OF A SEAGULL

Me: ah

6yo: THERE'S ALSO A GWARK

Me: a…shark with wings?

6yo: IT CAN FLY.

Me: that's terrifying

6yo: THE GULLPHIN IS THE MOST COMMON OF ALL OF THESE ANIMALS.

IF IT WAS REAL.
(bedtime)

6yo: C MAKES A KUH-SOUND OR A SSS-SOUND, SO I COULD SPELL SAM C-A-M

Me: you could do that

6yo: MOM. MMMM. YOU COULD SPELL MOM AS M-A…N

Me: that's man

6yo: MAN?!? 😂 MAN!

Me: 😂🤣

(10 mins after lights-out)

6yo: HEY MOM! MAN!!! (dissolves in laughter)

(silence)
6yo: I WANT TO LEARN THE PIANO

Me: maybe you could ask Santa for piano lessons

6yo: MOM. YOU CANNOT ASK SANTA FOR PIANO LESSONS.

Me: why not?

6yo: HOW ARE THE ELVES GOING TO MAKE THAT?
(context: all of the streets in our neighborhood are named after Cal Nobel Prize winners)

6yo: I WISH I HAD A NOBEL PRIZE

Me: oh yeah?

6yo: WHEN I'M A GROWN-UP I WILL MAKE A NOBEL PRIZE FOR BEING NICE TO YOUR FAMILY

Me: that sounds nice

6yo: MOM, YOU WILL NOT WIN IT
6yo: MOM, YOU KNOW WHY WE CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS?
Me: ???
6yo: S-P-U…
Me: (v. confused)
6yo: …R-E-T. SPIRIT.
Me: ah
Me: Do you want to go to Vallarta or Chipotle?

6yo: T

Me: neither of those start with T

6yo: MOM. CH-CH-CHIPOTLE.

Me: (nooooooo)

(at T-T-Chipotle)

6yo: MOM, MOM. I NEED TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.

Me: ok

6yo: (gives a pointed look to the Chipotle guy making our burrito) I NEED TO WHISPER IT IN YOUR EAR

Me: uh, ok (bends down)

6yo: WHEN WE GET IN THE CAR CAN WE SING THAT SONG FROM MOANA?

Me: 🥰
6yo: MOM, WHEN WE GET HOME, CAN WE WATCH THAT SCIENCE GUY?

Me: @BillNye the Science Guy? We can watch that show.

6yo: YEAH, BILL AND I THE SCIENCE GUY.

Me: you?

6yo: (suddenly serious) *I'M* THE SCIENCE GUY, MOM.
Me: I need you to hold my hand in the parking lot

6yo: I'LL HOLD THE SHOPPING BAG

Me: No, I need you to hold my hand so I know where you are

6yo: SO YOU'RE NOT SURPRISED LIKE WHEN THE ORCS THREW THOSE PEOPLE'S HEADS AT THE PEOPLE'S FRIENDS

Me: yes, but also no
(watching Jaws)

Me: so, what's happening now is that the shark is dragging the boat backwards

6yo: that's nice, that they don't even need to drive the boat themselves
Me: what happened is the guy dropped the harpoon

6yo: oh no mom! (gets teary-eyed) is the shark going to die?

Me: uh…
(still watching Jaws)

6yo: As long as that guy stays alive, he'll be okay.
6yo: WHO IS SHAKESPEARE?

Husband: He's a writer

6yo: BUT WHY IS HIS NAME SHAKESPEARE?

Husband: Why do you think?

6yo: BUT DAD, WHO SHAKES A BEER?
6yo: MOM, WHEN I WAS INSIDE YOUR TUMMY DID YOU KNOW YOU WERE PREGNANT WITH A HUMAN BEING?

Me: um, what else could you have been?
6yo: WHERE'S DAD?

Me: He's out for a run

6yo: WHY DOES HE NOT HAVE TO EAT BREAKFAST AND I HAVE TO EAT BREAKFAST?

Me: He'll eat eventually and you turn into a Mr. Grumpy-pants if you don't eat.

6yo: (angry) MOM, I DID NOT GET MYSELF BORN TO HAVE MEAN PARENTS LIKE YOU AND DAD.
6yo: HEY MOM, YOU KNOW BOATS?

Me: I'm aware of boats

6yo: DID YOU KNOW WE CAN EAT THEM?

Me: I don't think that's how boats work

6yo: BOATS ARE MADE FROM WOOD AND WE CAN EAT WOOD

Me: Who has been telling you this?

6yo: WE CAN EAT CARROT WOOD

Me:
6yo: 🎶 Baby if you give to me, I'll give it to you 🎶
6yo: I REALLY LIKE THAT SONG
Me: mmhmm
6yo: BUT WHAT ARE THEY GIVING TO EACH OTHER?
Me: uhhh
6yo: LOVE?
Me: YES, LOVE. THAT'S WHAT IT IS.
6yo: OKAY, I THOUGHT MAYBE IT WAS TOYS.
6yo: HEY MOM, YOU WHAT NO PALEON…NO, NO GEOL…MOM, YOU KNOW WHAT KIND OF DINOSAUR NO OLOGIST HAS EVER FOUND?

Me:??

6yo: A DINOSAUR WHAT IS STILL ALIVE UNDER THE GROUND
6yo: MOM, WHAT IF THERE WERE OTHER EARTHS AND THEY WERE LIKE:

- YOU COULD KNOW PEOPLE
- YOU COULD BREATHE IT
- WHEN ASTEROIDS HIT IT THEY CATCHED FIRE

JUST LIKE OUR EARTH

Me: That's…the premise of the Spiderman movie

6yo: NO MOM, THAT MOVIE IS ABOUT DIFFERENT DIMENSIONS
Pikachu: 😍
Thor (yeah, that's Thor): 🤔
6yo: MOM, YOU KNOW WHAT'S AT THE BOTTOM…😂

Me: ??

6yo:…THE BOTTOM…😂

Me: are you okay?

6yo: THE BOTTOM OF THE MARIANA TRENCH IS LIKE THE WORD BOTTOM 😂🤣 LIKE YOUR BUTTOM! IT'S SO FUNNY!

Me: "buttom"?
Me: I think the car is fogging up because we're so warm.

6yo: WE'RE WARM BODIED

WE PRODUCE OUR OWN HEAT

WE'RE NOT HUMAN BEINGS

WE'RE WARMSTERS



(whispers) like hamsters

but for warm
Me: (waking up)

6yo: HEY MOM, YOU KNOW WHAT YOU CAN DO IF SOMEONE IS TRYING TO DO MATH AND THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT 7+3 IS?

ME: ?

6yo: YOU CAN JUST SAY IT'S 5 2'S AND THEN THEY KNOW IT'S 10

Me: Are you sure you're just six?
6yo: (has taken a *very* long time dressing for bed)
Me: Are you wearing…four shirts?
6yo: YES 🤣 AND GUESS HOW MANY PANTS I'M WEARING
Me: 😂 two pairs of pants?
6yo: NO, JUST ONE PAIR!
Me: It looks like two
6yo: I'M WEARING ONE PANT AND ANOTHER PANT. TWO PANTS IS A PAIR!
Me: …
6yo: MOM, WHAT KIND OF ISLAND WOULD YOU BE: A FLOATING ISLAND OR A ATTACHED ISLAND?

Me: A floating island…but no human is an island.

6yo: YOU COULD BE A HUMAN ISLAND. YOU JUST GET IN WATER, THEN YOU PUT YOUR LEGS UP AND PUT YOUR ARMS UP AND YOU'RE AN ISLAND.

Me:…
NPR: In the US…

6yo: THE US IS THE UNITED STATES

Me: yes, it is!

6yo: BUT IT'S NOT JUST STATES

Me: (thinking DC and Puerto Rico, feeling v. proud of my kid) that's right, too!

6yo: THE US IS ALSO RUSSIA

Me: uh, no. That's just not true.

6yo: (v. serious) it *is* true, mom
6yo: (in the bathroom for a long time)
Me: Are you okay in there?
6yo: I'M JUST SAD
Me: oh monkey, what are you sad about?
6yo: I'M SAD THAT THERE ARE MORE GIRLS THAN BOYS
Me: on…Earth?
6yo: AND IN SPACE
Me: (checks) there are more boys than girls in space right now
6yo: OH, OK
In case you want to check for yourself: howmanypeopleareinspacerightnow.com
6yo: DO BAD GUYS WANT TO HURT US?
Me: What do you think?
6yo: MAYBE THEY JUST WANT TO EAT US
Me: We don't need to worry about cannibals
6yo: WHATS A CANNIMAL?
Me: A *cannibal* is a person who eats other people
6yo: DO THEY EAT THEM WHEN THEY'RE ALIVE OR WHEN THEY'RE DEAD?
Me:
6yo: YOU KNOW HOW WHEN YOU DIE YOU CAN TURN INTO AN ANIMAL?
Me: (ok we need to re-examine the idea of reincarnation)
6yo: WHEN I DIE I'M GOING TO COME BACK AS A BOY PANDA SO THAT I CAN HELP MAKE MORE BABY PANDAS
Me: (counting to 3 slowly so I don't laugh) That sounds like a plan!
Night has fallen

6yo: (vague yelling from outside)

Me: (popping my head out the door) are you okay?

6yo: I HEAR FOOTSTEPS IN THE RAVINE. IT'S PROBABLY A MOUNTAIN LION.

Me: Or a deer.

6yo: MOM. IN THE PERCENT OF THE WORLD, MORE THINGS HUNT AT NIGHT THAN DURING THE DAY.
(driving)

Me: Tell me one neat thing you did at school today
6yo: WE HAD CIRCLE TIME FOR WHAT NUMBERS CAN MAKE SEVEN. I RAISED MY HAND.
Me: oh?
6yo: I WANTED TO SAY ONE HUNDRED MINUS NINETY-THREE MAKES SEVEN, BUT THAT'S TOO EASY.
Me: um…
6yo: WHAT ARE SWIMSUITS MADE OF?

Me: I think your swim shirt is nylon-lycra and your shorts are polyester

6yo: POLYESTER?!?

Me: mmhmm

6yo: DID YOU KNOW POLYESTER IS A PERSON'S NAME? BUT IT HASN'T BEEN ANYONE'S NAME FOR A LONG TIME. FOR DECADES AND DECADES.
6yo: DO WE HAVE VOLSONIC VINEGAR?

Me: Balsamic vinegar? The kind we have with bread?

6yo: VOLSONIC, MOM. LIKE SUPERSONIC. LIKE THE AIRPLANE.

Me: (gives up)
6yo: HEY MOM, DID YOU KNOW THAT HAM IS THE ONLY FOOD THAT'S NOT MADE FROM PLANTS OR ANIMALS?

Me: Ham is from pigs. What…did you think ham was from?

6yo: I THOUGHT HAM IS MADE BY HUMANS AND MACHINES
6yo: MOM, DID YOU KNOW ALL THE WAYS TONY COULD'VE DIED?

Me: (Tony? Died?)

6yo: HE COULD'VE DIED WHEN HE CAME OUT OF THE CAVE AND LANDED IN THE SAND, HE COULD'VE DIED WHEN HE HAD THE IRON MAN BOOTS ON AND FLEW INTO THE WALL…

Me: Wait, Tony Stark? Ironman?

6yo: YEAH…TONY.
6yo: I'M DONE PLAYING IN THE GARAGE. NOW YOU CAN READ ABOUT SPACE TO ME

Me: Ok

6yo: FUN FACT MOM: SPACE IS THE BIGGEST PLACE IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE UNIVERSE
(learning about large numbers)

6yo: THERE ARE A THOUSAND SECONDS IN A YEAR

Me: There are 60 seconds in a just one minute...and (crap, I can't remember this unless I sing it?) 🎶 Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes 🎶…in a year.

6yo: THAT'S A LOT OF MINUTES!
We're reading this book. 100 billion hamburgers can go around the world 216 times and you'll still have enough hamburgers to stack them to the moon and back.
(playing checkers)

6yo: I HAVE THREE KINGS, SO I AM GOING TO GO HERE AND HERE AND HERE

Husband: Are you talking trash?

6yo: I'M NOT TALKING TRASH, I'M JUST TELLING ALL THE WAYS I'M GOING TO WIN YOU
(reading the space book)

6yo: MOM, DO YOU BELIEVE IN ALIENS?

Me: I wouldn't say I believe in aliens. It's more that I understand that the universe is so big that there have to be other forms of life in it.

6yo: DID YOU KNOW THAT ON OTHER PLANETS PEOPLE MAKE THE AIR?
6yo: MOM, DO YOU KNOW HOW WHEN YOU BOIL STUFF YOU GET ASS

Are you trying to think of a different word?

NO, ASS

Ass is a not nice way to say butt. What are you trying to say?

MOM, WE HUMANS ARE MOSTLY ASS. THAT LAMP IS ASS.

Do you mean…mass?

6yo: (slaps forehead) OH, MASS!
This pinniped 😍
6yo: MOM WE'RE MAMMALS

Me: mmhmm

6yo: WE'RE THE ONLY HAIRED ANIMAL WHAT CAN SPEAK

Me: that's right!

6yo: I SPEAK THREE LANGUAGES:
☝️ SECRET LANGUAGE
✌️ DOG LANGUAGE
👌 ENGLISH
I tried to counter the "I speak dog" thing and now it's grown?

Good parenting, self.

Us: (Listening to an audiobook about astrophysics)

Narrator: (describing hadrons)

Me: Do you remember that show we watched about the Large Hadron Collider?

6yo: A HATRON IS WHEN YOU SCORE THREE GOALS IN ONE DAY
6yo: MAMA, DO YOU KNOW THE SAD THING WHAT I DO NOT LIKE?

Me: ???

6yo: THAT THE FIRST NUMBER IS A ODD NUMBER. IT'S CALLED "ONE"

Me: ah. Do you want to tell me why you like evens more?

6yo: I JUST LIKE THAT THEY'RE EVEN. I LIKE ODD NUMBERS TOO, BUT I LIKE EVEN NUMBERS MORE.
Me: Do you want to see a movie today?
6yo: LET'S WATCH THE FIRST LEGO MOVIE!
Me: That sounds good, we can make popcorn
6yo: TOY STORY 4 IS COMING OUT SOON
Me: mhmm
6yo: ALSO, WORLD WAR 3 IS GOING TO START SOON
Me: a...movie?
6yo: NO, A FIGHTING.
Me:
Girls, chatting: You're going to marry a firefighter!

6yo, eavesdropping: MARRY A FIREFIGHTER? THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

Me: Why?

6yo: THEY DO FIRES AT NIGHT, SO HOW WOULD YOU SLEEP WITH THEM? ALSO, SOMETIMES THEY DIE.

Me: We all die, so don't let that stop you from loving someone.
(getting ready to walk down the steepest hill in town)

6yo: IT'S TIME TO GET UNFEARED

Me: mhmm

(walking down)

6yo: I'VE BEEN ON SLANTER HILLS THAN THIS

Me: oh?

6yo: WHEN I WENT CLIMBING WITH GRANDMA AND GOT ALL THE WAY TO THE Z
6yo: (sees a black spot on the sidewalk) WHAT'S THAT?

Me: tar or an oil stain

6yo: OR IT COULD BE ORC BLOOD

Me: …

6yo: JUST KIDDING! ORCS AREN'T REAL. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT ARE REAL? …ELVES

Me: …(about to say elves aren't real)

6yo: ELVES ARE REAL BECAUSE SANTA IS REAL

Me:
6yo: MOM. MOM. LOOK.

Me: (looks)

6yo: IT'S BREAKFAST CANDY
6yo: THAT IS *NOT* WHAT THE FOX SAYS
6yo: HOW DO YOU SPELL "YOU", LIKE "I WILL KILL YOU"

Me: …

6yo: Y? O?

Me: …

6yo: I'M MAKING A ORC
Me: (reading) …eggs and ham

6yo: DO YOU MEAN *GREEN* EGGS AND HAM? 😀

Me: Like Dr. Seuss!

6yo: Yeah! 😁

Me: (knows 6yo has been learning about Dr. Seuss at school) Do you want to tell me about Dr. Seuss?

6yo: HE'S DEAD
6yo: MOM, WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE ARMY AND THE MILITARY?

Me: (totally ready to explain this) the army…

6yo: NO, I MEAN WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE MILITARY AND KNIGHTS

Me: …

6yo: TELL ME ABOUT THE KNIGHTS OF CALIFORNIA

Me: …
6yo: YOU KNOW WHAT'S FUNNY?

Me: (prepared to talk about butts) what's that?

6yo: PRIME NUMBERS

Me: Do you know what a prime number is?

6yo: IT'S A ODD NUMBER YOU CAN'T MULTIPLY TO GET ITSELF YOU CAN ONLY PLUS OR MINUS IT

LIKE 5…7…11

BUT NOT 9. THAT'S 3. 3 TIMES.

Me: …
6yo: DO YOU KNOW WHY SATURN IS SO DANGEROUS AND EXCITING?

Me: ???

6yo: IT'S EXCITING BECAUSE IT HAS WINDSTORMS WHAT ARE FASTER THAN JUPITER'S

IT HAS HYDROGEN WHAT IS DANGEROUS

IT HAS AMMONIA CRYSTALS WHAT ARE DANGEROUS

YOU WOULD DIE IF YOU TRIED TO LIVE THERE
Dangerousness of planets is a recurring theme

6yo: MOM, I WOULD NEVER SAY THIS, BUT WHAT IF HIS NAME WAS "POOPRAHAM LINCOLN"

Me: …

6yo: NO, WAIT…"POOPRAHAM POOPCON" 😂

Me: …

6yo: 😂
6yo: HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO EUROPE?

Me: …yes

6yo: IF YOU'RE FROM EUROPE THEN YOU'RE EUROPEAN

Me: 🤨

6yo: (whispers) european 😂

Me: 😂
6yo: WHAT IS THIS?

Me: it's pita

6yo: 🧐

Me: it's a tortilla, but from Greece

Me: (stuffs gyro into the pita)

Me: here

6yo: 🤨

Me: (gives up) It's a taco

6yo: THIS IS GOOD!

IS THE REASON YOU GAVE ME 1/4 OF A TORTILLA IS BECAUSE I'M 1/4 MEXICAN?

Me: please. eat.
6yo: MOM, YOU KNOW THAT GUY WHO IS SUPER ANGRY?

Me: Beethoven?

6yo: WHY WAS HE SO ANGRY?

Me: Well, you know how it feels so good to have love, and hugs…

6yo: AND KISSES!

Me: …and kisses. I think Beethoven didn't have a lot of love.

6yo: HE WAS FATAL.

I MEAN HE IS DEAD.
6yo: YOU KNOW WHO ELSE DIDN'T LIVE FOR A VERY LONG TIME?

Me: (knows it's Jesus) who?

6yo: HE LIVED THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO

Me: (It's Jesus) oh?

6yo: HE LIVED THE SAME AGE AS YOU AND DAD. BUT IS DEAD.

Me: Is it Jesus?

6yo: HOW DID YOU GUESS?!?
6yo: YOU COULD NEVER FREEZE A HUMAN BEING

Me: that's not true

6yo: YOU COULD FREEZE A HUMAN BEING IF YOU PUT THEM IS WATER WHAT WAS 35 DEGREES

Me: nope

6yo: 32 DEGREES

Me: That's right. Good job, dude.
6yo: ARE THESE EGG BOXES?

Me: No, they're from the lamps. See...the lamps are made of glass.

6yo: YEAH, AND EGGS ARE MADE OF FRAGILES.
(driving down Hwy 1)

6yo: I CAN RUN A LITTLE SLOWER THAN THIS

Me: We're going 50 miles an hour

6yo: …

6yo: I CAN RUN 40 MILES AN HOUR SLOWER THAN THIS
6yo: YOU KNOW WHAT'S INTERESTING?

Me: (anything but leprechauns)

6yo: BEFORE I WAS 3 THERE WERE NO KID SHOWS. ONLY SPORTS, LIKE BASEBALL.

Me: Cartoons existed before you were 3. We just didn't let you watch them.

6yo:
6yo: WHAT DID YOU DO AT WORK TODAY?

Me: I helped my team get ready for a trip

6yo: ARE THEY TAKING A BOA?

Me: ???

6yo: BOA 747

Me: the plane company is Boeing

6yo: BOWEN?

Me: Boeing B-O-E-I-N-G

6yo: YOU KNOW THAT THAT SOUNDS LIKE? WINGSTOP.

Me: ???

6yo: BOEINGSTOP 😂
6yo, eyeing a kid in a Patagonia nano puff vest: LOOK MOM, A
TANK-TOP JACKET.

Me: (that one image of Jeff Bezos in a vest flashes before my eyes and I try not to choke on my own laughter)
6yo: MOM, YOU KNOW HOW THEY USED TO SAY "POLICEMAN" IN THE 80'S?

Me: ???

6yo: (noir accent) COPPAH

Me: uh

6yo: LIKE CANADIANS SAY IT. THERE'S A "R" BUT THEY DON'T SAY IT.

Me: (not even sure how to start fixing this)
(at the park)

6yo: YOU KNOW WHAT I'M MEANT FOR?

Me: ??

6yo: I'M MEANT FOR SPEED

(Later....)

6yo, jumping out of a tree: KEVIN DURANT!

Me:...

6yo, climbing a tree: NOVAD DJOKOVIC!

Me: It's Novak, with a K
Me: What kind of pizza are you getting?

6yo: PEPPERONI WITH CHEESE

Me: pepperoni? great

6yo: NO, PEPPERONI *AND* CHEESE. A PIZZA WITHOUT CHEESE IS JUST BREAD WITH TOPPINGS ON IT.
6yo: IS DONALD TRUMP BIG?

Me: yep

6yo: SO HE'S BIG BUT SHORT?

Me: no, he's dad-size

6yo: SO HE'S THE SIZE OF DAD, BUT ALSO THE SIZE OF A WOMAN WHO HAS A BABY INSIDE OF HER

Me: …that's…accurate
Me: I'm glad Pizza My Heart had a pesto slice left

6yo: YEAH, THE OTHER SLICES HAD...(covers mouth in horror)

Me: olives?

6yo, mouth still covered: (nods)

Me: It's okay if you don't like them

6yo: IT'S A GOOD THING WE'RE NOT POOR AND THE ONLY THING WE HAVE TO EAT IS OLIVES
6yo: WHO ARE WE CHEERING FOR?

Me: the red team

6yo: OUR TEAM IS LOSING? NOW I'M NOT HAPPY ABOUT 3 THINGS

Me: ??

6yo: 1. WE HAD TO THROW AWAY OUR SNACK WHEN WE WENT IN THE CAPITOL

2. "YOU SPIN ME ROUND" IS NOT A BEATLES SONG

3. OUR TEAM IS LOSING
6yo: YOU KNOW WHAT OTHER NAME WE COULD CALL BUMPSY? IT'S A REALLY GOOD NAME FOR A ROBOT VACUUM...

Me: ??

6yo: ROOMBA

Me: That's the name of a company that makes robot vacuums

6yo: SEE! IT *IS* A GOOD NAME FOR A ROBOT VACUUM, MOM.

ROOMBA
6yo, frantic, grabs my arm: MOM, MOM, ARE THERE SUCH THINGS AS ARMY SQUIRRELS?

Me: 🧐

6yo: ARMY SQUIRRELS, MOM.

ARE THEY REAL?

Me, uncertain and horrified: I don't think so...

6yo: BUT MOM, ARMY DILLOS ARE REAL. SO MAYBE ARMY SQUIRRELS ARE REAL, TOO.
Me: Hey, you want to bike down to the store with me to get eggs?

6yo: CAN I STAY HERE?

Me: Sure

(5 min later)

6yo, gravely: MOM, I WILL GO TO THE STORE WITH YOU SOMEDAY, BUT IT IS NOT THIS DAY.

Husband, from across the house: ARE YOU QUOTING ARAGORN AT YOUR MOM?

6yo: 😏
The Easter Bunny woke up early this morning
Me: It's time to find your Easter basket.

6yo: I DON'T KNOW WHERE MY EASTER BASKET IS. CAN I USE MY PUMPKIN FROM HALLOWEEN?

Me: The Easter Bunny hid your Easter basket and you need to find it

6yo: THAT'S OKAY, I'LL JUST USE MY HALLOWEEN ONE

Me: GO LOOK FOR YOUR EASTER BASKET
6yo: IS LUKAS ALLERGIC TO PEANUTS?

me: no

(silence)

6yo: MOM, YOU KNOW SOMETHING *TERRIBLE* THAT PEOPLE CAN DO NOTHING ABOUT?

Me: 🤔

6yo: TREES

Me: 🤨

6yo: THEY MAKE LOTS OF POLLEN AND NOBODY CAN DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.

Me: so, I guess we're discussing allergies this AM?
Me: goodnight monkey

6yo: NO MOM, SAY "GOODNIGHT, PERSON WHO LOST HIS TOOTH!"
6yo: mom. mom.

Me: is something wrong?

6yo: do you know how old I am? I'm 2,701 days, exactly.

Me: so, you've been in bed…doing math?

6yo: tomorrow I'll be 2,702 days old. also I'm going to William's roller skating party at 3:30.

Me: please go to sleep
6yo: MOM. MOM.

Me: ??

6yo: THREE SIXES IS EIGHTEEN

Me: yep



Me: is there anything else you wanted to say?

6yo: no



6yo: ONE TIME I COUNTED TO 204, OR 205, OR 206 BY SIXES. SOMEWHERE IN THAT RANGE.
6yo: (eating) MOM!

Me: finish that bite first

6yo: (manic chewing)

Me: what did you want to say?

6yo: I'VE ESTIMATED THAT ALL OF THE PARTS OF MY BODY IS ABOUT 5 GALLONS.

IF I WAS MADE OF WATER.

MY HEAD IS ABOUT A GALLON.

MY ARMS AND LEGS AND STUFF ARE FOUR GALLONS.
6yo: IS IT A PFG OR DFG?

Me: ???

6yo: WHAT IS THAT THING CALLED? PFG OR DFG?

Me: BFG? Big Friendly Giant?

6yo: NO. PFG OR DFG

Me: can you tell me about it?

6yo: IT'S A THING PEOPLE GET

Me: ahhhh. Ph.D.

6yo: yeah, that's it
(breakfast)

6yo: arghghg

Me: what's up?

6yo: I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT SMALLPOX!

Me, person who taught 6yo about smallpox yesterday: ahhhh, I'm sorry about that.

6yo: 😟

Husband: Have you heard of THE PLAGUE?

6yo, unable to resist knowledge: THE PLAGUE?!? WHAT'S THAT?
Neighbor's cat: MEEEEEOOIIIIIWWWWWWRRRRWWWWWWOOOWWWWW

Me: wow, that cat is loud

6yo: (mumbles something)

Me: what was that?

6yo: IT HAS A FATAL SOUND
6yo: (talking since 6:45am)

Me, an introvert: hey dude, let's work on your inner monologue

6yo: what's a inner monoglog?

Me: It's when you say things to yourself. In your head. Not out loud.

6yo: BUT MOM, HOW WOULD YOU KNOW WHEN I'M STANDING ON THIS COOL BOX?
6yo: OW

Me: ??

6yo: ONE OF THESE TWO TOES THAT CAN'T MOVE BY ITSELF IS HURTING.

Me:
Me: (walks in the door)

6yo: I'M BUILDING SOMETHING IN MINECRAFT

(we don't have Minecraft?)

Me: 🤔🤨😂
6yo: WHEN WE GET HOME, YOU CAN CUT THE HOLE, THEN I'LL PUT THE CANDY IN THE…(pauses as his eyes light with inspiration)

Me: (please don't say penis-yatas)

6yo: (whispers) poop-yatas
6yo: IS THAT A CHURCH?

Me: It looks like a church, but it's just a clock tower

6yo: IS THERE A DEAD PERSON UP THERE?

Me: no

6yo: WHY DOESN'T IT HAVE SOMEBODY THAT SOMEONE LOVED INSIDE IT?

Me: They don't put dead people in clock towers

6yo: WELL, THERE COULD BE ONE UP THERE
Mood
6yo: (pulls on a pair of pants)

Me: Do those pants fit you?

(they do not fit)

6yo: YEAH MOM, THEY'RE CALLED UPPERS
(reading)

6yo: GOODNIGHT CLOCKS
AND GOODNIGHT………POX?

Me: 🤨

6yo: WHAT IF IT WAS POX? LIKE THE POX YOU GET ALL OVER YOU.

Me: 😐

6yo: GOODNIGHT POX 😂 LIKE COWPOX 🤣
6yo: MOM, LOOK AT MY GOLDEN TROPHIES

Me: mmhmm

6yo: MAYBE NEXT YEAR, MATTERING HOW I DO IN BASEBALL, I'LL GET ANOTHER TROPHY

Me: (resolves to discuss participation trophies next weekend)
🎶 I Want To Hold Your hand 🎶

6yo: THIS IS ONE IS THE MOST FAMOUS SONGS IN THE WORLD

Me: mmhmm

6yo: I'VE HEARD IT TWO TIMES
🎶 Here comes the sun 🎶

6yo: YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE SO GREAT? IF I MET JOHN LENNON.

Me: ohhhh…

(long pause)

Me: John Lennon died a long time ago. When I was just a baby.

6yo: SO THIS IS A RECORDING?

Me: Wait, how do you think Spotify works?
(Monaco race scene, Iron Man 2)

6yo: MOM, YOU KNOW THOSE GUYS WHO WERE IN THE CAR CRASH?

Me: mmhmm

6yo: I HOPE THEY HAVE HEALTH INSURANCE
6yo: IF I HAD A TEAM I WOULD NAME IT THE NEW YORK PRASSRIDS

Me: what are prassrids?

6yo: IT'S NOTHING. A TEAM CAN BE NAMED AFTER NOTHING. LIKE THE YANKEES. THAT'S NOT A REAL THING. UNLESS YOU YANK SOMETHING.

Me: uhhh

6yo: (on a rant) AND THE 76ERS! A 76 IS NOT A PERSON.
🎶 I Want To Hold Your Hand 🎶

6yo: THIS IS THE MOST FAMOUS SONG IN THE WORLD.

IT'S MY FOURTH TIME HEARING IT
6yo: DO YOU WANT TO KNOW SOMETHING WEIRD ABOUT ME?

Me: okay

6yo: SOMETIMES, I SAY SOMETHING BEFORE I EVEN THINK ABOUT IT.

I SAY IT.

AND THEN AFTER I SAY IT, I SEE IT IN MY HEAD!

AFTER I SAY IT!
6yo: MOM, I'VE SEEN BILLY JOEL

Me: who?

6yo: THE SINGER. BILLY JOEL. I'VE SEEN WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE.

Me: what does he look like?

6yo: MOM. (shakes head) IT'S HARD TO DESCRIBE HOW A HUMAN LOOKS.
6yo: OOOH, THAT LOOKS LIKE A SCARY MOVIE!

Me: which one? 🤔

6yo: (points at Jonas Brothers)
6yo: (out of bed after bedtime) MOM, I NEED TO TELL YOU SOMETHING

Me: oh?

6yo: ACTUALLY, I NEED TO ASK YOU SOMETHING

IS 16 U S. CUPS A GALLON?

Me: yeeessss?

6yo: BECAUSE THERE ARE 8 U.S. OUNCES IN A CUP AND 8 TIMES 8 IS 64 OUNCES AND THAT'S HALF A GALLON.

Me:
6yo: MOM, DO YOU WANT TO KNOW HOW LOUD I CAN BURP?

Me: uh

6yo: ALEXA VOLUME LEVEL 6

Me: there's no…oh, wait

6yo: THAT'S HOW LOUD
6yo: MOM…

Me: Is this about dinner?

6yo: A REAL WAR HAS TO BE BETWEEN TWO COUNTRIES. THE CIVIL WAR WAS NOT REALLY A WAR.

Me: that wasn't about dinner

6yo: I KNOW. I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT CIVIL WAR.

Me: A CIVIL WAR IS A REAL WAR. EAT YOUR PIZZA.
6yo: DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I'M AFRAID OF IN CHESS?

Me: sure

6yo: TIES

Me: …

6yo: TIES ARE THE HORRIBLES OF CHESS
6yo: MOM, CAN YOU IMAGINE IF ALL FOUR OF THE BEATLES PLAYED MAGNUS CARLSEN IN CHESS? AT THE SAME TIME?

MAGNUS CARLSEN WOULD WIN EVERY GAME, BLINFOLDED.

I DON'T THINK THE BEATLES EVEN KNOW WHAT CHESS IS, MOM.
Me: (thinking of The Beatles & chess) it sounds like there are a couple of things that are really important in your life right now

6yo: MY PARENTS!

Me: 🥰

6yo: AND CHESS
6yo: WHAT'S SOFTWARE, MOM?

Me: uh…

6yo: IS IT WHAT THEY USED TO HAVE NOT VERY GOOD OF A LONG TIME AGO WHEN HUMANS COULD BEAT COMPUTERS AT CHESS?
Darth Vader 😘
6yo: (muffled shouting from inside the "car") MOM, DO YOU THINK THE BEATLES MADE CARS LIKE THIS WHEN THEY WERE A KID?
I stumbled across an old one.

3yo! Gah!

6:30am

Me: (reading a murder mystery)

6yo: (with a New Yorker) MOM, DOES THIS SAY "ESTELLY"?

Me: "essentially"

6yo: OKAY, IT WAS HARD TO READ

Me: Can I find a different story for you?

6yo: FIND ME A STORY THAT DOESN'T HAVE MURDERING

ACTUALLY, IT'S OKAY IF IT HAS MURDERING
THIS IS A LISRD
6yo: MOM, WHY DO MEXICANS LIKE SO MUCH COKE?

Me: …Are you taking about Mexican Coke, in glass bottles?

6yo: NO. GRANDPA LIKES TO DRINK SO MUCH DIET COKE.

BECAUSE HE'S MEXICAN

Me, trying to remember how syllogisms are structured: 🤔
Obsession
6yo: WHAT IF SUBWAY RESTAURANT WAS UNDERGROUND LIKE A SUBWAY

Me: ok

6yo: AND THEY HAD LOTS OF WINES THERE

Me: ??

6yo: BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO STORE WINE AT 56 DEGREES IF YOU WANT TO KEEP IT FOR A LONG TIME.
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