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The Slime Machine @bitterkarella
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Clive Barker: Presented for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this... The Tale of the Horny Ghost who liked to Fuck.

Stephen King: Oh for Pete's sake

Edward Lee: No wait I want to hear this
Clive Barker: So the ghost's erect penis stabs her right in the face and there's gouts of blood, big gushing stinking rivers of it
Edward Lee: Did she have big boobs
Barker: Just blood splattered everywhere, mixed with steaming chunks of flesh
Lee: Are her boobs big
Lee: How big
Stephen King: For the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this... The Tale of the Creepy Small Town with a Spooky Secret
Clive Barker: Is the town in Maine
King: NO
King:
King: yes
Stephen King: For the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this... The Tale of the Preternaturally Wise Black Person Full of Sage Angelic Advice
HP Lovecraft: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
King: Howard, I haven't started the story
Lovecraft: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Lovecraft: For the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this... The Tale of the Dusky Foreigner
King: ...
Barker: ...
Poe: ...
Lovecraft: I mean indescribable eldritch abomination
Poe: describe it
Lovecraft: [sweats] uh it looked uh spooky uh like an italian
Poe: I declare this meeting
Dean Koontz: i have a story
Poe: I declare this meeting of the midnight society
Poe: ugh fine
Koontz: touch this bucket of peeled grapes
Poe: ok
Koontz: they're eyes
Poe: You already said they were grapes
Koontz: no wait i did it wrong
oh this blew up haha
well if you like HORROR check out my horror text games too! You might like them as well :) bitterkarella.itch.io
R.L. Stine: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this The Tale of the Scary Monster!
Stine: so there's this scary monster... with slime coming out of its mouth!
Stine: but get this
Stine: the slime is green
Koontz: [taking notes] this is golden
Poe: Tonight I want to introduce a new member of the Midnight Society
King: A new member? They better be REALLY scary.
Stephen Gammell: Hi everyone
King: OH SHIT
Gammell: I thought that maybe for my story I could draw a little something--
King: NO STOP
Christopher Pike: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this The Tale of the Hot Stud that was really a Psycho
Pike: there's this teenage girl & she really wants this guy
Pike: but this stud has a secret
Koontz: what... what is it
Koontz: what's the secret
H.P. Lovecraft: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight society, I call this The Tale of the Non-Euclidian Geometry
King: ok what does that mean exactly
Barker: i've been wondering about that too
Lovecraft: what do you mean
Poe: you do bring this geometry up a lot, howard
John Bellairs: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the Tale of the Spooky Robot
King: sure sounds fun
Bellairs: so this guy invents a robot
Koontz: i like robots C:
Bellairs it needs to eat human eyes to work
King: wait what
Stephen King: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this The Tale of the Small Town Haunted by an Ancient Evil
King: so the main character of this story is a writer
Lee: is it you
King: No, this main character is named.... Kephen Sting
Koontz: [sincere awe]
Anne Rice: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this The Tale of the Sad Vampire with Smouldering Eyes that Communicate Such Sadness
Rice: The Sad Vampire is also a time traveler and he met Jesus and they had sex
Rice: He's also an astronaut and a ballerina
Anne Rice: "Step away," said the Sad Vampire, "None may see my manly tears!"
Rice: "But your wound requires healing, you brashly impulsive warrior," said Jesus, placing his soft hands on the Sad Vampire's smooth chest
Barker: when do we get to the hot dicks
Bentley Little: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this The Hat
King: You mean The Tale of the Hat?
Little: no
Stephen King: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this The Tale of the Evil in a Small Town
Barker: hey what kind of cars do people in this town drive? any, saaay, foreign models?
Poe: oh no don't
King: AMERICAN MADE 1950s MUSCLE CARS ONLY, BABY
Lovecraft: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the Tale of the Eldritch Horror
Lovecraft: So this horror is so eldritch
Poe: what does it look like
Lovecraft: [sweats] uh i uh can't tell you
Lovecraft: it would make you go crazy
Koontz: whoa
Lovecraft: So this eldritch abomination is so eldritch that you can't even look at it
Lovecraft: it's indescribable, just horror beyond imagining
Lovecraft: your brain can't even comprehend it
Lovecraft: but also it looks like a squid
Lovecraft: This story is also about a giant squid from space
Lovecraft: with lots of tentacles, just like a million tentacles
Poe: whats with you and the tentacles
Lovecraft: [sweats] i just
Lovecraft: i just think they're interesting, that's all
Christopher Pike: Submitted for the Approval of the Midnight Society, I call this The Tale of the Cinnabons Cashier
Pike: So this girl has a crush on the new cashier at the mall Cinnabons
Pike: he's really dreamy, like total malibu blonde
Barker: is he packing
Pike: yes
Christopher Pike: But see the cashier is actually a deranged stalker psycho, so he decides to kill off all the girl's friends until she has no one but him
Pike: he sets up piano wire traps to cut off their heads
Pike: piano wire. smooth, efficient
Pike: the perfect crime
Pike: No wait ok picture this
Pike: You see this studly young cashier right?
King: right
Pike: now what if he was a skeleton?
Koontz: AAAAAAAAAA
King: Like for real a skeleton?
Pike: No he's just a regular evil cashier. the skeleton visual is just a metaphor for his dangerousness
King: [thinking] this man is a genius
Koontz: skeletons are scary :C
Mark Danielewski: 𝓼𝓾𝓫𝓶𝓲𝓽𝓽𝓮𝓭 for the 𝕒𝕡𝕡𝕣𝕠𝕧𝕒𝕝 of the Midnight Society¹, I call this: (The) Tale² of the S̶i̶n̶i̶s̶t̶e̶r̶ ̶S̶l̶o̶w̶ ̶B̶u̶r̶n̶ the House that Ate a Guy
King: how are you doing that with your voice
Danielewski: 🆆🅷🅰🆃 🅳🅾 🆈🅾🆄 🅼🅴🅰🅽
Neil Gaiman: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the Tale of the Extremely Long World Mythology Thesis Aside
Gaiman: So interesting story, you know there's a theory that the ancient Egyptians visited America
Barker: it's not that interesting
Gaiman: [hours later] however the romans called bread "eattus" which explains the modern origins of the word "eat," but if you look at norse influence an interesting thing happens
Barker: are you going to tell a story
King: the sun's coming up, my mom is gonna be pissed
Edward Lee: hey fam it's me, ya boi Ed Lee. I got a banger of a story tonight
King: you're doing it wrong
Lee: what bruh
King: you have to say 'submitted for the approval of the midnight society'
Lee: bruh
Edward Lee: So this chick, she got big massive titties, like so big you won't believe
Lee: like these tits so big they don't make bras big enough
Lee: they're like [mimics giant breasts]
Lee: like d cup
Lee: no wait
Lee: bigger
Lee: so like this nun totally goes to pray to Jesus to help her fight the devil
Lee: she's in seclusion, its totally a sublime moment bruh
Lee: and she's got implants
King: wait like breast implants?
Lee: yeah
Lee: so big
Lee: like bustin outta her habit big
Mary Shelley: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this The Tale of the Tortured Hot Scientist who Created a Totally Hot Monster
Barker: damn hot monster, this is good
Lovecraft: [sweats] why is there a girl here
Lee: TAKE IT OFF
August Derleth: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this The Tale of the Evil Squid God
King: didn't howard already do this
Derleth: I'm building on howard's ideas
King: no i'm pretty sure howard did this
Barker: yeah squids are howard's thing
Derleth: howard came up with the idea, but i fleshed it out. like the mythos. that's my thing
King: no i'm pretty sure howard invented all that. he always does squid stories
Barker: yeah, like cthulhu is, like, his Sardo
Thomas Ligotti: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this The Tale of the Hopeless Futility that is the Meaningless Swirling Nothingness of Life
Ligotti: All is black, all is despair
Ligotti: modern life is a horrifying waste of ennui
Ligotti: pointless
Ligotti: the bureaucratic nightmare of existence is the true horror
Ligotti: all is lost
Ligotti: all is lost
Ligotti: [slowly fades away into nothingness] all is lost
King: well that was a thing
Koontz: i have a story about a haunted pumpkin
Junji Ito: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the Tale of the School Girls Who Turned Inside Out.
Junji: Ha! Ha! Ha!
Junji: Ha! Ha! Ha!
King: stop that
Junji: [head spinning wildly] Ha! Ha! Ha!
Junji: And then he died and his corpse was full of rot and maggots.
Barker: what, like immediately?
Barker: Immediately upon death?
Junji: Yes.
Barker: it doesn't work like that, man
Junji: Yes, it does.
Junji Ito: And then the school girl ate a pizza, which caused her brain to melt
Koontz: That doesn't happen in real life right
King: No Dean it's just a story
Koontz: Good. I was worried because i too like to eat pizza sometimes you see
Kris Straub: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this The Spooky Tale Relayed Through Found Documents
King: ah visual aids, good
Straub: [pulls out 3 ring binder w/900 mimeographed pages of circa 1988 PTA meeting minutes from Oakdale County school district]
Kris Straub: According to the testimony gathered by local authorities from ██████, witness Jane Doe described the assailant as having "abnormally long arms"
King: wait how long
Straub: abnormally long
Straub: and legs too
Straub: tall guys are p scary imho
Stephen King: Tonight I want to introduce a new member of the Midnight Society
King: A bold new voice in horror, destined for greatness
King: A wordsmith of rare talent, possibly the greatest writer in American, no, world history
King: Joe Hill
Joe Hill: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the Tale of the Mysterious Apocalyptic Event
King: [clapping] Wow! Terrifying! Just the best! What a performance!
Hill: Dad please stop
Hill: As I was saying
King: [pointing, whispers to Poe] that's my son
R.L. Stine: Since Stephen brought his son, I thought I would introduce you to mine
Stine: [pulls out ventriloquist dummy]
Poe:
King:
Barker:
Lovecraft:
Stine: His name is knothead and i love him very much
Koontz: hi knothead
Stine: [speaking through ventriloquist dummy] So the two children - one male, one female THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT - are wandering through the evil carnival and there's slime everywhere
King: this is awful; i feel like we should do something
Barker: you're right
Barker: BOOOOOOO!
Bentley Little: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this [ eyes dart about wildly for a full minute before coming to rest on the campfire before him] The Campfire
M.R. James: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this The Tale of the Scary Ghost
James: but get this, this ghost doesn't live in an abandoned castle or a weird cave
James: it lives in a house
James: maybe even
James: [turns, points at reader] YOUUR HOUSE?!?
V.C. Andrews: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this The Tale of the Cruel Governess Who Locks Darling Moppets in the Attic
Andrews: so there's a brother and sister
Stine: absolutely essential horror protagonists, yes
Andrews: oh but wait
V.C. Andrews: so the brother and sister love each other
King: right
Andrews: No I mean REALLY love each other
King: ok
Andrews: No like REEEALLY REALLY
Andrews: REALLLLY REALLY REALLY REALLY
King: where is this going
Lee: OH HO HO, BRUH, I GET IT YEAH
Stephen Gresham: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this The Tale of a Child Protected by a Secret Cabal of Clowns
King: oh yeah clowns are scary
Gresham: Not these clowns, they're friendly
Gresham: they help kids and protect them from ghosts
King:
Gresham: So the monster is chasing the child
King: nice
Gresham: don't worry, tho, the child is protected by a locket given to her by her grandmother and imbued with the power of her undying love
King:
Gresham: so there's absolutely no danger at all
Gresham: she's 100% safe
Gresham: A child's favorite toy mysteriously comes alive
Gresham: so they had a nice picnic & lots of fun
Barker: when does this get good
Gresham: look, i'm sorry, i just don't want you to worry about the kid
Barker: nobody is worried about the kid
Koontz: i was a little worried
Guy N. Smith: Submited for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this The Tale of the Giant Crabs
King: This sounds suspiciously similar to your last story, about the Large Crabs
Barker: And the Big Crabs before that
Smith: WELL IT'S NOT
Guy N. Smith: So these giant man-eating crabs are attacking the coastline, laying waste to the country
Smith: ripping up womens clothes with their claws
King: Oh I get it, the crabs are a metaphor for the unknown fears which bedevil mankind
Smith: no they're not
King: I'm starting to feel like this crab thing is kind of personal
Smith: That's ridiculous
Smith: i'm just telling a normal story here, about crabs
Smith: [muttering, under breath] lousy wife-stealing crabs
Barker: so listen does it always have to be crabs
Barker: you could mix it up a bit you know
Smith: what do you mean
Barker: like maybe lobsters for once or--
Smith: NO IT HAS TO BE CRABS
John Bellairs: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this The Tale of the Friendship Between a Nebbishy Teenager and an Elderly Eccentric
Stine: Are they brother and sister
Bellairs: uh what
Brian Lumley: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the Tale of the Two Squid Gods!!!
Lumley: See, first there's Nargolog the Black Toad Under the Hearth, the unfeeling monstrosity of eons!!!
Lumley: And then there's his brother Ed, who's an okay guy!!!!
Brian Lumley: The Monster God from Beyond Human Perception has powers so vast your mind can't comprehend them!!
Lumley: There's only one thing that can stop it!!
Lumley: Getting shot by a gun!!
King: a magic gun?
Lumley: no just a gun!!
King: please stop yelling
Lumley: what!!!!
H.P. Lovecraft: please... you... you can't just punch Cthulhu
Lumley: if cthulhu tries something with me, i'll give him a punch in the nose!!
Lumley: [mimes punching] give 'em the ol' one two!!
Lovecraft: but cthulhu is so far beyond human minds
Lumley: [continues miming] Pow!!!!
Kim Newman: [wearing lampshade] whoa hey guys, honk honk! What if Frankenstein was your barber? Heyo! [falls backwards off log]
Newman: but seriously folks
King: you have to say the line
Newman: hey, dean-o, my old pal, wanna smell my squirting flower?
Koontz: Do i!
King: Dean no
Kim Newman: [record scratch sound effect] Good evening, ladies and germs! it's your old pal Kim with another zinger humdinger
Newman: ya ever think about what it would be like if Warren Harding was a werewolf?
Newman: why I think it would sound... a little something... like this
Kim Newman: [rolls up on undersized tricycle] Awooga, kids! What if Alexander Graham Bell was a vampire?
Newman: It might sound... a little something... like this
Newman: "Watson, come here-- I want to drink your blood!"
Newman: [Yello's 'Oh Yeah' plays as Newman gyrates]
Nancy Collins: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this The Tale of the Cyborg Vampire
Collins: This vampire is a badass, way better than all the other vampires.
Collins: She makes the other vampires look like garbage.
Rice: hey
Rice: say that again bitch
Stephen Gresham: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this The Tale of the Angelic 12 Year Old Girl that was so Beautiful and Everyone Wants to Cuddle
King: um
Gresham: you wrote a clown gangbang, shut up
King: IT WAS ONE TIME
Lee: So underage clown gangbang huh
Stephen King: when will people stop giving me guff for that underage clown gangbang >:C
Joe Hill: dad what are they talking about
King: Nothing Joe, go back to sleep
King: i'll tell you when you're older
Algernon Blackwood: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this The Tale of the Mysterious Woods
Blackwood: these mysterious woods which so fill one with terrible awe
Blackwood: you ever look at these woods?
Blackwood: i mean like REALLY look at these woods?
Jack Ketchum: [drags on cigarette] Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this The Tale of the Explosively Eviscerated Bloody Guts
Barker: hell yeah
Ketchum: But the real monsters
Ketchum: are what people do to each other
Barker: oh
Ketchum: [downs whiskey]
Jack Ketchum: ya see the real savage
Ketchum: that ain't some monster in the woods
Ketchum: the real savage is right here, in a man's heart
Ketchum: but it's also a monster in the woods too
Koontz: or it could be a super smart rat
Ketchum: [extremely long cigarrette drag]
Jack Ketchum: ya see the real horror
Ketchum: when a so-called civilized man is pushed
Ketchum: and the beast is right there under the skin
Ketchum: and you wonder, what violence a man can do
Ketchum: [stares meaningfully at hands]
Koontz: i have a story about a super smart dog
Kim Newman: Dean
Newman: Dean pull my finger
Koontz: ok!
Poe: Dean no
Newman: [Toccata and Fugue in D Minor Plays]
Jeff VanderMeer: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this The Tale of the Weird Zone
VanderMeer: weird things happen there
VanderMeer: like when you poop, it comes out in morse code
Newman: [plays slide whistle]
Jeff VanderMeer: So the person, the other person, and the third person go into the Weird Zone
Poe: wait
VanderMeer: no don't worry, it's not gonna be confusing or anything, i can tell them apart
VanderMeer: so the person
Poe: wait
Jeff VanderMeer: and then everything in the Weird Zone gets super weird
VanderMeer: everyone's turning into sexy monsters
Poe: sexy monsters?
VanderMeer: I mean weird monsters
VanderMeer: who said sexy
VanderMeer: [sweats]
Jeff VanderMeer: and that's the story of the Weird Zone
Poe: i have some questions
VanderMeer: Don't worry, I have 2 more stories
Poe: oh good, and those explain things?
VanderMeer:
VanderMeer: uh sure
VanderMeer: absolutely
VanderMeer: 100%
Dean Koontz: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the Tale...the Tale of...
King: you can do it, Dean
Koontz: The Tale... the Tale of...
Poe: keep going, you're doing fine, Dean
Koontz: [sweats] the Tale of....
Dean Koontz: the tale of... uh... the tale of... what if
King: that's it, keep going
Koontz: what if...
Poe: we believe in you, Dean
Koontz: what if...what if hamburgers ate people!??!
Poe: you did it!
King: great job, dean
King: right, guys?
Barker:
King: RIGHT, GUYS?
Carlton Mellick III: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this The Tale of the Planet that Was A Giant Space-Faring Lizard with Clown Hair and the People Living on It Are Tiny Prostitutes with Toilets For Heads
Barker: lot goin on there
Mellick: i'm not done
Mellick: what if your dick was really a spider
Mellick: like a big ol tarantula growing out of your crotch?
Mellick: and to have sex you had to find someone with a bunch of flies growing out of their crotch
Mellick: ok now imagine a whole society of spider dick people
Mellick: so Ed Jones is just a normal spider dick guy, living a normal spider dick life, and his wife is a robot with a mechanical vagina
Poe: wait a sec what about the fly thing?
Mellick: i'm past that now, i'm talking about robo-vagina now
Dean Koontz: [wearing a toupee like a squirrel nest] hi guys
King:
Barker:
Poe:
Poe: uh dean
Koontz: great news guys, God made my hair grow back C:
Poe:
Barker:
King:
Koontz: it's a miracle C:
Stephen King: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this The Totally Scathing Tweetter Take-Down
King: "Donald Trump? More like Donald DRUMPF"
King: you guys like it? i just thought of it
Barker:
King: Joe showed me how to use tweeter
Joe Hill: Twitter, Dad
Stephen King: [wearing fake mustache, cape held in front of his face] Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this The Tale of the Angry Loner Against Society
Barker: Stephen what are you doing
King: Stee-ven? Hoo ees this Stee-ven? I am Richard Bachman!
Stephen King: oh man i have such a hangover, what's up guys
Barker: what's the deal last night, man, you kept saying you were Richard Bachman
King: [whispers] Bachman... he's back...
King: was last night a full moon
Barker: what are you talking about-
King: ANSWER THE QUESTION
Stephen King: richard bachman, my alter ego... my evil twin
King: the cain to my abel
King: he's exactly like me in every possible way
King: except that he's slightly more racist
Mark Z. Danielewski: 𝖘𝖚𝖇𝖒𝖎𝖙𝖙𝖊𝖉 for the ǟքքʀօʋǟʟ of the Midnight Society, I call this The Familiar's Wake ¹
Poe: wait what's in that footnote
Danielewski: ¹here are some words that rhyme with wake: bake, cake, lake, jake, drake, snake...
Danielewski: s̸̹̣̝͈̟̱͇͐̾̆̇͊̽̎̕͠u̵͖̟̺͔̪̿̌b̸̛̛̯͉͑̾́́͝m̶͔̣̩̲̻͎̣͇̻̋́͐̒̀̏̕i̸̬̠̐́̈̑̆̋͂̔̔t̶̢̡̞͈̾͗̉͐̀͒̐ț̶̺̜̬͓͓̆͛̕̚͜ę̸̙̹͔̒̽͐̽͛͊̈͌̕͜͝d̷̡̫̳̪̻͔͙͙̺͈̎͊̍͗̎͒̊̅́̚ ̶͕͚͉̜̩͍̭̓̉̍̈́̅f̴̱͇̭͂ͅõ̵͚̙͇̂̆͐̈́̇͂̅͠ṛ̴̡̡̺͇͚̠͙̝̲̿͛̅̉͂̈́̔̋̚ ̸͎͙͎͎̮̗̰̳̒͐̈́͂̾̚ţ̶̭̟̭̫̬̠͔̩̥̈́́̄̅̑h̷͕͈͈͕̘̯̺̬̝̓̽̾͐̓̄̚̚e̷̘͓̭͓̖̅͆͊̕̚͝ ̵̜͌̍̉̓̀̇̀́
John Saul: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the Tale of The Bad Thing that Happens to Your Kids
Saul: cuz that's every parent's nightmare
Saul: when you have kids it really changes your perspective
Saul: i would take a bullet for my kid, you know
John Saul: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this The Tale of the Ghost that Threatens Children
Koontz: but children are innocents! you can't threaten them!
Koontz: they're almost as pure as dogs!
Koontz: please don't threaten a dog :C
John Saul: so the demon is about to eat the child
Stephen Gresham: [interrupting] but the child is protected by angels so he can't be hurt
Saul: but the demon has giant angel-killing claws
Gresham: but then the angels have swords
Saul: but the swords break
Gresham: NO THEY DON'T
Mary Shelley: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this The Tale of the Modern Prometheus
King: [pointing to pendant] what's that
Shelley: oh this? just the calcified heart of my dead husband
King:
Shelley: [bites head off live bat]
Mary Shelley: so this is a story that i thought of while my boyfriend and i were fucking on top of a grave
Barker: intense
Shelley: you better fucking believe it
Shelley: i'm the queen witch and i only fly at midnight
Shelley: [smashes beer bottle and shivs Barker]
Dean Koontz: hey Mary, I wrote a fan fiction about your modern prometheus story
Shelley: Oh yeah? Let me see
Shelley: [throws Koontz's manuscript directly into camp fire without breaking eye contact] NO FAKE GOTHS
Mary Shelley: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this tale Frankenstein
Poe: oh yes the green monster with the bolts
Shelley: the green what
Poe: the green monster
Shelley:
Shelley: who the fuck you think you are, emo?
Dean Koontz: Mary I have some ideas about frankenstein
King: dean no
Koontz: like what if frankenstein had a little friend named igor?
Koontz: and whenever igor's not around, everyone should be asking: "where's igor?"
Shelley: fuck that candy goth shit
Poe: that frankenstein, what a story!
Shelley: yeah it made my boyfriend piss his pants
Shelley: but he's fuckin scared of eyes on nipples or some shit
Shelley: little bitch
E.T.A.Hoffmann: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this The Tale of the Wan Artist Beset by Fantastical Ghouls Representing the Wild Unknown!
Hoffmann: And also a clockwork automaton
Hoffmann: piloted by cats
Hoffmann: on Christmas
E.T.A. Hoffmann: Once upon a time, there was a pretty princess cursed by an evil witch
Barker: this is a fairy tale
Hoffmann: ah well you see, the fairy tale actually represents the collective fears of the unconscious
Barker:
Hoffmann: there were also 3 pigs
E.T.A. Hoffmann: so the evil wizard cast a spell that made all the apples turn to stone, but the brave knight
Hoffmann: wait i forgot the most important part
Hoffmann: first, a 12 hour digression on the importance of poetry
E.T.A. Hoffmann: and they all lived happily ever after
Neil Gaiman: i'm actually quite familiar with your body of work, ETA
King: we know
Gaiman: in fact, if you're clever, some of you might have noticed allusions to hoffmann in my own story
King: WE KNOW
Gaiman: in fact, you also might have noticed some clever allusions to Shelley in my story too
Gaiman: like the character cleverly named "T.M. Prometheus"
Gaiman: for "The Modern"
Gaiman: eh? eh?
Gaiman: a lesser writer might have just said "frankenstein"
Gaiman: But not me
Neil Gaiman: It's my birthday and that means only one thing... BRING IT IN, GUYS!
[every character from every movie, game, comic, cartoon, TV show, and book reality come in with everything for a HUGE party]
Gaiman: Stories are magic. The act of storytelling is a pure & unsullied thing
Barker: What's the theme here?
Gaiman: You can't weigh down a story with themes. Too much analysis destroys the magic
Gaiman: Here, let me explain this 5 more times
Poe: NO
(credit: @morbiomatic )
Ralph Ellison: There is no greater horror than to live in a society that regards you as nothing
Ellison: An "invisible" proletariat, denied a spark of revolution
Lovecraft: [Sweats] A-are you saying there are MORE of you in this room
Lovecraft: AM I SURROUNDED
(cred:@morbiomatic)
King: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this The Tale of the Big Dumb Ugly Stupid Lousy Car
Barker: this about the car that hit you
King: maybe
King: anyway
King: King: Driven by the Stupid Fat Dumb Ugly Drunk Loser Guy
King: The Evil Mean Bad Car then hit the poor innocent and very handsome writer!!!!
Joe Hill: Dad, please calm down
Hill: Your heart
Hill: Remember what the doctor said?
King: HE'S NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!! >:C
King: [eating cheeseburger, smoking cigarette] so the doctor said i had to take better care of myself
King: [injecting heroin] that gave me an idea for a story
King: [guzzling nitroglycerin from a large keg marked with XXX] The Tale of the Idiot Doctor Who Should Shut Up
Joseph Sheridan Le Fanu: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this The Tale of the Sexy Vampire
Lee: hell yeah
Lee: wait a sexy girl vampire right? with tiddies?
Le Fanu: yes
Lee: good, bruh, fuckin' lame when anne tricks me into jerking to manpires
Edward Lee: so the succubus had big giant breasts
Lee: and a big sexy butt too, and smooth sexy sex legs
Lee: and her sex... thingy? so hot
Poe: her what?
Lee: you know
Lee: [gestures lasciviously]
Poe:
Lee: [continues gesturing]
Barker: he's talking about a vagina
Lee: a what
Lee: so the big booby sex demon was having sex
Bram Stoker: ugh so gross, i hate sex
Stoker: I am never ever going to have sex
Stoker: if a girl comes on to me, I'm gonna be all NO WAY, JOSE!
Barker: ok, bram STROKER
Koontz: i don't get it
Koontz: why did you say his name wrong?
Rice: so then Jesus tenderly caressed the sad vampire
Bram Stoker: ugh this gay stuff, i don't know
Stoker: who likes that, right? I mean, am I right?
Stoker: not me, that's for sure!
Barker: dude, what is your problem
Stoker: I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM
Stoker: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this The Tale of Dracula
Barker: 's dick haha
Stoker: stop it, there's no sex in this >:C
Stoker: why are you all so into that gross sex thing?!
Stoker: why can't you all be normal like howard?!
Lovecraft:[sweats]
Patricia Wallace: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this The Tale of the Child who was really a Demon
John Saul: I will kill the child >:C
Stephen Gresham: I will protect the child >:C
Saul: fight me, Gresham >:C
Wallace: uh guys it's just a story
Patricia Wallace: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this The Tale of the Carnival that Kills People & is full of Skeletons
King: Skeletons of people it killed or evil skeletons who do the killing?
Wallace:
Wallace: honestly i didn't plan it out that far
Wallace: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this The Taint
Lee: nice
Wallace: no
Wallace: not like that
Richard Roberts: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this The Tale of the Victorian Dolly's Ever so Pleasant and Nice Tea Party
Roberts: Picture a doll with a big ceramic head, marred only by a spiderweb network of delicate cracks
Roberts: and cornsilk hair
Richard Roberts: The dolly has been abandoned in the attic for oh so many years & is ever so lonely
Roberts: she ever so dearly wants a playmate
Koontz: i'll play with her
King: Dean, it's just a story. It's not a real doll
Roberts: SHE
Koontz: i don't want the doll to be sad :C
Richard Roberts: now of course the effects of isolation upon a Victorian dolly are quite different from those upon a mohair teddy bear or a sock monkey
Roberts: as I've outlined in this multi-volume thesis
King: what about a Bratz doll
Roberts: Get this man away from me. |:C
Bruce Coville: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the Tale of The School Custodian Who is a Vampire
Marcia Jones: [pushing glasses up nose] Actually that is factually INCORRECT, vampires do not mop
Debbie Dadey: [nerd voice] nyes indubitably so, nyes
Poppy Z Brite: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this The Tale of the New Orleans haunting
King: ah good old New England
Brite: No, New Orleans
King: New England?
Brite: New.... Orleans
King: New.... England?
Brite: O-R-
King: E-N-
Poppy Z Brite: So New Orleans is full of vampires
Brite: from Bourbon Street to the Cafe Du Mond coffeeshop, best in the city
Brite: this amazing city with its vibrant culture and fascinating history
Brite: [preparing to play zydeco vest frottoir]
John Bellairs: [holding a hand of glory] Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the Tale of Whimsical Magic Suitable for Kids
king: where'd you get that hand?
Bellairs: i stole it from a hanged criminal on the gallows
Bellairs: just a normal thing kids do
John Bellairs:Tim was worried re being able to jump high enough to make the basketball team
Bellairs:so he covered himself w flying ointment made from belladonna & the fat of unbaptized babes
Stine:John, I got some advice re writing for kids
Shelley: shut your face, let him talk
Bellairs: So Timmy had never seen so many withered corpses in one mausoleum before
R.L. Stine: now let me tell you, you know what scares the kids? Ventriloquist dummies.
Bellairs:
Bellairs: so there had to be, like, 50 withered corpses
Dean Koontz: In this story, a man on the run from monsters meets a woman who helps him
Koontz: this woman is super pretty and understanding
Koontz: and she's preternaturally wise, knowing his needs better than he knows himself
Koontz: i call her "mom"
Edward Lee: My story also has a woman in it
Koontz: is she nice? is she smart?
Koontz: can she do tricks?
Lee:
King: that's a dog you're thinking of, dean
Koontz: i like dogs C:
Koontz: my female character is preternaturally wise w/ an angelic glow
King: Mine is the same, but an old black lady
Stephen Gresham: mine is also preternaturally wise bt she's 12
Lee: mine is a big boob haver
John Farris: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society! I call this... dramatic pause... THE TALE OF THE GHOST FROM THE HEART OF DEEPEST AFRICA!
Farris: Africa! The Dark Continent! Land of the Pharaohs! The Jungle Primordial!
Farris: The cradle of civilization! The Unexp
John Farris: [wearing top hat & opera cape] Friends! Tonight! Prepare yourselves for a spectacle of pulptastic excess as I regale you with a tale of mind-numbing terror from the depths of the swampy south!
Farris: [gestures grandiloquently] BEHOLD! ACTING!
M.R. James: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this The Tale of the Old Haunted Teapot
James [holds out teapot]:
James: touch it
Koontz:
King: dean
King: dean, don't
Koontz: But he said-
King: dean, just don't
M.R. James: [holds out teapot]
Koontz: i'll touch it
James: [waving thunder sheet] Oooo! You've awakened the ancient spirit! Oooo! Oooo!!
Koontz: Oh no!
Barker: haha now you've done it, dean
Barker: haha I bet the spirit is really mad too
Koontz: Is it mad?
James:
James: yes
Wrath James White: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the tale of the Extreme and Long Machete Torture Session
Lee: yo bro, this is the shit, time for some extreme horror
Lee [bouncing excitedly in his seat]: there's gonna be so many boobs in this
Wrath James White: So then the woman is locked in a box in a basement & has her fingers sawed off one by one
White: with a rusty hacksaw
Lee: she's naked, right
White: yeah, but it's very degrading and horrible
Lee: hmm yeah i'm imagining her boobies right now
Wrath James White: this torture goes on for days, weeks, the worst shit you can imagine
White: and you know why?
White [turns to look at camera, zoom in on face]: CUZ GOD IS FAKE
White: Oh I'm sorry did I just blow all your minds???
White: This ain't your daddy's horror show!!!
King: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this The Tale of the Scary Thing Thwarted by Divine Intervention at the Last Second
Wrath James White: Fake! God's not real!
White: Some of us prefer to THINK RATIONALLY
White: In fact, I've prepared a Youtube video
Wrath James White: And that's my story of gut-churning torture with rusty meathooks allowed to happen in a godless & unfeeling universe
King: That's great, very visceral
King: dean, you had a story you wanted to tell?
Koontz: yeah it's called The Nice Angel
Koontz: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the tale of the Nice Angel who was friendly & the angel helped stop bad things & also the angel looked at me & i saw the angel
White: You know what Dawkins says-
King: shh, James. don't. It's dean. It's dean.
Guy N. Smith: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the tale of the friendly crabs
King: The... friendly? crabs?
Smith: yes, i was thinking haven't we been unfair to crabs?
Smith: wouldn't you all agree, fellow humans?
King: something's...not right here
Smith: why, if you think about it, crabs are clearly our superiors, covered in handsome chitin instead of gross skin
King: what's going on here
Smith: Nothing! Nothing at all!
Smith: why, what are you saying
Smith: that I've been replaced by a crab in disguise?
King: i didn't say
Smith: this is ridiculous, I won't stand here and take these absurd accusations!
Smith: [scuttles away sideways]
Lovecraft: guys, i want to introduce you all to my girlfriend Sonia Greene
King: howard has a girlfriend?
Sonia Greene: Yes, I also have a story to tell
Greene: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society
King: wait go back to this girlfriend thing
Barker: yeah I'm also really confused about this girlfriend thing
Sonia Greene: What's so confusing about this?
Barker: i mean this howard we're talking about right?
Barker: like how does
Barker: how does that even
Barker: i mean this is howard we're talking about
Sonia Greene: look this isn't hard to understand
Sonia Greene: let's be honest, what's sexier than an anti-Semitic racist shut-in with mommy issues who's scared of fish?
Edward Lee: damn bro she's got you there
Greene: i tell you, nothing is sexier than a man who lives in a basement and can't get a job because he thinks that the Dutch are too swarthy
Lovecraft: also i need an advance on my allowance this week
Greene: [fanning herself] oh my
Greene: look i'm just saying i have a perfectly normal thing for helpless man-children
Koontz: hey everyone, i'm sorry i'm late
Greene: Zounds, who is THIS tall drink of water?!?
King: Submitted for the app--
BitterKarella: HEY FOLKS just popping in to thank you all for enjoying my Midnight Society tweets & to remind you that you can get them as a free collected e-book at gumroad.com/podcastigation# See ya!
King: what was that
Barker: Bloody wanking adverts.
Brian Keene: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this The Tale of the Zombie Pigeons & the Vampire Ducks
Keene: and ghost canaries, there are ghost canaries
Keene: and werewolf chickens
King: so wait people who turn into chickens or
Keene: no the other kind
Brian Keene: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this The Tale of What if Dogs were Evil
Koontz: WHAT, NO
Koontz: NO NO NO D:<
King: Dean, calm down, it's just a story
Koontz: NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!
Brian Keene: It was snowing so hard
Keene: that it made giant snowshoe hares appear
Poe: how's that work
Keene: well snowshoe hares like snow right?
Keene: so more snow means bigger snowshoe hares
Poe: i don't know about that
Lee: Naw, bro, he's right, it checks out
Keene: So there was so much snow that it made the snowshoe hares grow giant and evil
Lee: Bruh, what if there was something that made boobs grow giant
Keene: and evil?
Lee: naw, bruh, just giant
Ramsey Campbell: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this The Tale of the Creepy Secluded English Countryside
Campbell: totally different from Howard's creepy secluded Massachusetts countryside
Barker: Oh yeah? How so?
Campbell: Well it's in England
Ramsey Campbell: The people in this weird town all have a weird look, like frogs
Barker: howard did that, you know. innsmouth
Campbell: i didn't mean frogs, i meant... i meant... uh... RABBITS
Barker:
Koontz: oo that's pretty scary!
Campbell: all the people in this weird town have big flat faces.. LIKE RABBITS!
Campbell: and they all love carrots.. LIKE RABBITS!
Campbell: and they all have a tremendous fear of ferrets.. LIKE RABBITS!
Campbell: and they all are very susceptible to myxomatosis.. LIKE RABBITS!
Campbell: and when you go to this town, they'll all jump on you... just! like! rabbits!
Barker: i don't know that this rabbit thing is really working
King: shh. let him finish. he's fully committed to the bit now.
Koontz: wow! rabbits!
Eric Knudsen: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this The Tale of the Slenderman
Knudsen: the guy who's really thin and also wears a suit
Knudsen: that's about as far as i got, really
Knudsen: you guys got any mountain dew here?
Eric Knudsen: so slenderman got banned from GBS for oldmeme
Knudsen: hope you got 10 bux slendy
Knudsen: does your house have stairs
King [sweats]: Yes, haha, I absolutely understand all this
Joe Hill: Dad, do you need me to explain
King: NO, I ABSOLUTELY UNDERSTAND ALL THIS
Knudsen: [chortling up clouds of cheeto dust] slenderman is the terrible secret of space
Kris Straub: haah when does the narwhal bacon
Knudsen: [urinating in a gatorade bottle] MIDNIGHT
Straub & Knudsen in unison: MANGOSTEEN!!!!!!
King:
King: ah yes jokes, i enjoy them too
Knudsen: oh there are girls at this goonmeet
Shelley: fuck off, nerd
Knudsen: oh oh yeah!??
Knudsen: just you wait
Knudsen: gonna post your deadjournal in helldump, then you'll be sorry
Shelley: [shivs Knudsen]
Ed Lee: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this The Tale of the Killer Big Boobs
Lee: These boobs are the biggest things you ever saw
Mary SanGiovanni:
Ed Lee: this story has some big ol tiddies
Mary SanGiovanni: Ah yes, the pleasing fullness of the breast, plump with possibilities, like a tulip bulb ready to burst forth with the springtime promise of new life
Lee: yeah, like I said
Joe Hill: dad, it’s not that hard, you push 1 to set up your voicemail box
King: I can’t do it! This cellphone hates me!
Hill: you’re gonna have to learn, dad
Hill: you can’t just write another story about how a thing you don’t like is bad
King: son, you have a lot to learn
King: [pulling out guitar] so tonight I’m not gonna tell a story
King: I’m gonna sing a story
King: you might say that tonight
Joe Hill: dad, no
King: I’m the King who Sings
Barker: you’re a musician?
King: yeah, maybe you’ve heard of my band-
Barker: no
King: The Rock Bo-
Barker: no
King: -ttom Remainders LET ME FINISH
Barker: who are these other guys?
King: just my bandmates, my main peeps Dave Barry and Amy Tan
Barker: do you guys even do horror?
Tan: I have an emotionally fraught tale of about coming to terms with my mother’s past
Barry: MY SON POOPED IN HIS DIAPER! I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP
King: so the cat’s buried deep in the pet semetary, and the clown’s in the sewers in a town called Derry, oh see I wrroooootaaa (book)
King: The Shining is a great psychic power, and something something it’s the Dark Tower, yup, i wrrooooootaaaa (book)
Barker: oh shit it’s filk
King: Everyone got their drinks?
Dean Koontz: [drinking Ecto Cooler juice box]
Jack Ketchum: [swigging bourbon bottle filled w cigarette stubs]
Mary Shelley: [sucking marrow out of pigeon]
Richard Roberts: [sitting at child-sized table, sipping imaginary tea from a doll’s teacup]
Poe: Submitted for the approval-
Frat guy: [blundering into clearing] Yo!
Poe: uh can I help you?
Frat guy: yeah, I’m supposed to pick up a psych 101 term paper here
Nick Mamatas: [hastily scribbling] right here
Nick Mamatas: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this The Tale of the Academic Essay Mill
Poe: Sounds chilling!
Mamatas: First, Webster’s Dictionary defines horror as “a painful and intense fear, dread, or dismay,” or “something inspiring horror.”
Mamatas: Horror is that which inspires horror. To state it another way, something which inspires fear would be horror.
Mamatas: What is horror? Throughout history, many great thinkers have pondered the question. But what is horror? We just don’t know.
Mamatas: It is the opinion of many people, that is to say that many people have the opinion, that horror should be something that, that is to say, that is horror.
Mamatas: In conclusion, horror is a land of contrasts
Mamatas: Some popular kinds of horror are campfire yarns, body horror, j-horror, and Darth Vader Farts (citation needed).
Mamatas: Does that work?
Frat guy: It’s supposed to be 4 pages.
Mamatas: One sec, let me bump up the font size.
Lovecraft: um so me and sonia are just gonna go into the bushes for a bit
Lovecraft: to uh conduct an eldritch ritual
Koontz: oo can I watch?
Lovecraft: NO
Lovecraft: [sweats] it um it would make you go insane to see
Koontz: gosh!
Greene: oo howard I’m ready for my big strong bubbelah
Lovecraft: ok but don’t laugh
Lovecraft: [disrobes]
Greene: Oh! Oh.
Lovecraft: what?
Greene: nothing. It’s fine.
Lovecraft: were you expecting a tentacle?
Greene: no. it’s fine. I can work with this.
Greene: ohhh howard take me, ravish me right here in these bushes
Greene: hmm blow your ink sac all over me
Lovecraft: my what
Greene: talk dirty to me, howard
Lovecraft: ok um so I’m gonna use my penis
Greene: call it your hectocotylus
Greene: talk dirty to me, howard
Lovecraft: ok um I’m gonna make love to you like you were my mother
Greene: what
Lovecraft: or I mean uh
Lovecraft: like a hectoring spinster aunt
Lovecraft: wait why are you putting your clothes back on?
Vox Day: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this The Tale of the Nazi Supermen who are our Superiors
Barker: what
White: No.
Poe: This seems bad
Koontz: I don’t like this.
Shelley: the fuck
Lovecraft: Wait a second guys, let’s hear this out
Day: So glad to be in a pure aryan writing environment, unsullied by blacks
Wrath James White:
Day: or Jews
Sonia Greene:
Day: or women
Shelley:
Day: or gays
Barker: You should leave.
Day: I refuse to be talked to by lesser mud peoples!
Barker: Why are you even here?
Barker: You don’t write horror
Barker: You write… oh, what’s the name of that genre?
Barker: It’s right at the tip of my tongue
Barker: oh right!
Barker: You write shit.
Day: Fine! I’ll found MY OWN midnight society! I’ll call it the ALT-NIGHT society!
Day: Only the most racist writers will be allowed to join!
Lovecraft: can I join?
Day: yes
King:Really? You’re gonna join the Racist Midnight Society?
Barker:dude, of course he is, he’s super racist
Barker: ask him about his cat
Lovecraft: That’s not fair, I named that cat in a heated gaming moment!
Barker: what game?
Lovecraft: the one where you push a hoop w a stick
Lovecraft: bye, everyone, I’m gonna go join the racist, anti-Semitic alternative to the midnight society
Barker: Isn’t your girlfriend Jewish?
Lovecraft:
Greene: think very carefully about this decision, Howard
Greene: I’m right here, Howard
Lovecraft: after careful consideration, I have decided not to join the racist alternate midnight society
King: that’s good
Lovecraft: I’m still going to be a racist, tho
King:
Day [alone at a campfire, wearing google-eyed sock puppets on each hand]: Welcome to the inaugural meeting of the alt-night society.
Day: just me & TOTALLY REAL friends here!!!
Day [through puppet]: Oh vox, you're so smart! and handsome too
Day: Oh my wow, that's so unexpected!
Day: First rule of the Alt-Night Society-- No girls, No POCs, no LGBTQ, no Jews, no Muslims, no gypsies, no tinkers!
Sock puppet: um I think the preferred term is Romani
Day: [throwing sock into bushes] YOU’RE OUT OF THE CLUB!!!!!
Clive Barker: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this The Tale of the Gory Evisceration as Metaphor for Big City Alienation
King: so you’re a city boy huh
Ramsey Campbell [bursting out from bushes]: Hello, hello? What's going on? What's all this shouting?
Shirley Jackson: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this The Tale of the Haunted House
Jackson: Built in 1896, this haunted house features both traditional charm and modern amenities
Jackson: 4 bedroom, 3 bath
Jackson: close to the shops & on the bus line
Jackson: From the moment you pull up, this home exudes owner pride and a feeling of home
Jackson: Low maintenance front w dry riverbed sprinkled & drought resistant plants and an ivy arch opening to quintessential covered front porch
King: are
King: are you selling a house?
Jackson: Tiled entry leads to an open living space w/vaulted ceiling, new edison ceiling fan & laminate hardwood floors
King: uh so how about the ghost?
Jackson: you'll be happy to know that, yes, the house's neighborhood is zoned for ghosts!
King: EVERYONE I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT
Joe Hill: dad no
King: YOU KNOW WHAT MY BEAUTIFUL BOY JOE JUST DID?
Hill: dad
King: HE WON THE BRITISH FANTASY AWARD FOR BEST FANTASY
Hill: dad stop they're all staring
King: Everyone come see what my beautiful boy did! my large adult son is an inspiration to us all! no one has achieved this before!
Barker: i won that award
King: JOE WON IT BETTER
King: Joe, i'm very proud but you know the british fantasy award isn't the only thing you've won?
Hill: what
King: you've also won... MY HEART
Hill: dad
King: [weeping] I LOVE MY BEAUTIFUL BOY JOE
King: i'm so proud of you, Joe
King: i'm going to put your British fantasy award right here on the refrigerator
King: where everyone can see it!
Brian Keene: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the Tale of the vampire elephants
Keene: no hedgehogs
Keene: NO i got it! crabs
[Guy N. Smith turns slowly to face camera]
King: I love my beautiful boy Joe Hill! Winner of the prestigious British Fantasy Award!
King: i love my one and only son!
Own King: [from beneath the floor, rattling chained trapdoor] father... father... i live!
Hill: dad, did you hear-
King: that was the wind
Owen King: father! father! witness me!
Owen King: am i not of your blood? father! witness me! father!
Owen King: i have an idea for a scary story! father!
Owen King: you collaborated with my brother, father!
Owen King: now witness me, father! it is my birthright!
Owen King: father! my idea is what if women had magic to build a world free from the tyranny of men & their wars of conquest!
Barker: oh yeah i once wrote basically that
Poe: you mean the story about how women used to fuck monsters b4 men were invented?
Lee: that was a good one
Owen King: father! join me! together our power will be increased! father! gaze upon me! am i not your son!
Owen King: we are of the same flesh!
Owen King: the ny times will say my story touches on topical issues in a post metoo world that will make you think!
Owen King: father!
Joe Hill: what is this thing i see before me?
Stephen King: i thought i could hide my folly from you, joe
Stephen King: i hoped it would never come to this
Stephen King: but i see now that i can no longer hide the truth
Stepehn King: the terrible, bone-chilling truth
Stephen King: it all happened one night...the moon was full... the curse i sought to avoid for so long came back
Stephen King: i prayed it wasn't true but 9 months later...
Stephen King: the poor wretch you see before you is the son of Richard Bachman
Owen King: DON'T LOOK AT ME!
Stephen King: ok, owen, come join us at the fire. take a seat and tell us your story
Owen King: Submitted for the approval of the [sees campfire] ARGHHHH FIRE BAD!!! [tears off through woods, screaming]
Anne Rice: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this The Tale of my OTP the Sad Vampire & Satan
Koontz: the devil is bad
Rice: NO! He's misunderstood
Rice: he has one blue eye and one red eye to symbolize his conflicted nature
Anne Rice: so then satan says "what's wrong with you, sad vampire? one minute you're all over me & the next you hate me!"
Rice: and the sad vampire says "B-baka! it's not like i ever liked you!"
Rice: oh he also has one demon wing and one angel wing
Rice: the sad vampire isn't like other vampires
Rice: he's not traditionally beautiful, see. he's very pale, almost sublime
Rice: he thinks that makes him ugly but all the other vampires find him strangely compelling
Rice: as our story opens, he's been accepted to Hogwarts
Barker: sublime, you say?
Rice: yes
Barker: what does that mean exactly
Poe: clive, don't start
Barker: no i want to know
Rice: um
Rice: it means pale
Rice: right?
Rice: The Sad Vampire isn't like other vampires
Rice: see, other vampires are all shallow and superficial and only care about shopping
Rice: but the sad vampire drinks tea and reads books
Rice: and is endearingly clumsy when he encounters the strangely compelling female lead
Koontz: wait why is he clumsy
Barker: oh that's a rom com thing, you give the lead a relatable flaw to make them lovable
Koontz: the girls in my stories are always perfect so they can help guide their men to self-actualization
Barker:
Barker: where'd you hear that word dean?
Koontz: so what you're saying is
Koontz: if i wrote my girl characters with flaws
Koontz: they would see more real?
Barker: yeah exactly
Koontz: ok! i got it!
Koontz: i have a story about a girl with really bad gas
King: personality flaws, dean
Rice: "Oh Sad Vampire" said the strangely alluring girl who was often teased for thinking freely & not being a conformist. "how is it that you know me so well"
Rice: "m'lady, we are outcasts together. for they laugh bc we are different. but WE laugh bc they are all the same"
King: Stunning, just beautiful
Shelley: wtf you stole that line from a Hot Topic t-shirt
Rice: Don't blame me; I just write what the voices in my head tell me to!
Shelley: this isn't real goth, this is bullshit
Rice [wearing black t-shirt that says 'i don't suffer from insanity; i enjoy every moment of it']: no its real goth
King: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this-
Constance Rausch: Who wants cookies?
King: Constance, stop, i'm telling a sto-
Rausch: goodness, it's so dark in here
Rausch [turning on lights]: there, isn't that better?
King: constance, stop, it's supposed to be scary
Rausch: i just thought your little friends would like some cookies & lemonade
Rausch: but if you don't want any, i guess i'll just leave
Rausch: i guess there's no use for a foolish old woman like me
Koontz: i'd like a cookie
King: anyway as i was saying
King: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society
Rausch: goodness, how can you sit here without a sweater? you'll catch cold!
King: i'm fine, constance
Rausch: DON'T TALK BACK TO ME, YOUNG MAN!
Thomas Ligotti: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this The Tale of the Harlequin's Puppet
Koontz: oo wow!
Ligotti [puts on Venetian carnival mask]:
Koontz: what
Koontz: who's that!?
King: it's just thomas, dean
King: he's just wearing a mask
Lovecraft: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call the The Tale of An Ode to My Cat
King: oh no, howard, don't-
Lovecraft: about my good pal Frank Belknap Long's cat!
King: oh frank's cat?
King: that cat's not racist is it
Kim Newman: how big is your cat, frank?
Frank Belknap Long: idk, like normal cat size
Newman: you might say, then, that Frank Belknap Long's cat
Newman: is
Newman: LONG
Newman: [honking bicycle horn] OHHH!!!
King: ah yes i get it
Joe Hill: no you don't dad
Lovecraft: Frank and i will now sing a duet about how great cats are
Lovecraft & Long: cats are good, cats are great! We sing cats' praises as of this date!
Koontz: i like dogs
Long: NO
Long: cats RULE, dogs DROOL
Long: here's my poem about my cat
Long: oh felis, with your amber eyes & sinewy back, thou art the scion of the great sphinx
Barker: boring
Long: your perfect furry ass like a ripe peach, your eight perky breasts supple & benippled
Barker: hello
Barker: so uh you like cats huh
Long: cats are the perfect being, so lithe and beautiful
Long: to be a cat is to be perfection
Long: i drew a picture of what i would look like if i was a cat, want to see
Barker:
Barker: yeah sure
Long: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the Tale of My Cat who is a lost prince of Moebius
Long: my cat is actually dr. robotnik's estranged son. he left to fight for freedom
Long: sonic the hedgehog secretly loves him but he can't say it
Long: so it's important to remember in this story that my cat is anthropomorphic, he also wears trip pants and a giant bell around his neck
Barker: wait is this about furries?
Long: no
Long: these are FUNNY ANIMALS >:C
Barker: so frank i hear you like cats huh
Frank Belknap Long: yes!
Barker: well if that's true
Barker: what's this story you wrote about the hounds of tindalos
Lovecraft: WHAT
Barker: correct me if i'm wrong but i believe a hound is a DOG
Lovecraft: CATS RULE, DOGS DROOL >:C
Barker: boy this cat dog thing, really a pickle ain't it
King: Clive, stop teasing them
Frank Belknap Long: Friendship ended with Lovecraft, now Koontz is my best friend
Koontz: C:
Frank Belknap Long: I can’t stay mad at you, howard
Long: no one else understands my love of cats
Lovecraft: it‘s true, cats are great
August Derleth: yup we’re all pals here, right pals?
Derleth: pals with your old pal august, right?
Lovecraft:
Long:
Derleth: right pals?!
Richard Matheson: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this The Tale of the People Who Bite Vampires
King: What a twist!
Koontz: [falls out of his chair]
Richard Matheson: In this story, what if hamburgers ate people?
Koontz: but i... that was my...
King: brilliant!
Koontz: i had
Poe: truly insightful! you could learn from this guy, dean
Koontz: but i
And with that I FINALLY have enough material for a second e-book. Every Midnight Society tweet is now collected in 2 PDF downloads available at my Gumroad: gumroad.com/podcastigation#
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