A lunchtime thread with some insider tips on forgiveness and self reflection.

Why seeing the old versions of people will make you miss out on new blessings.

I talk about stuff like this on my email list that you can subscribe to here 👉🏾 bit.ly/LoAEmailList
Sometimes it’s incredibly hard for us to see the change in others.

Myself included. I’m pretty fucking stubborn so if I can do this, you certainly can too.

We have a lot of emotional stuff floating around that clouds our vision and our judgement.
Most of this comes from our need to be right all the damn time.

We’re so scared of being wrong that we cling to anything that makes us right. I used to be super bad at this and I had such a slick mouth,

I could convince people that they were wrong when I was wrong 😂😂😂
I use my powers for good these days fortunately.

Not insecure like I used to be.

Anyway, in our quest to be right and slay the dragon of wrongs, we can often become blind to what we think were trying to fight.

This is pitfall numero uno because it turns you into a *victim*.
I remember reading this book back in March called The Bonds that Make Us Free by C. Terry Warner.

Fucking life changing. Can’t recommend this book enough.

Well it talked about how we often will see others through certain eyes because we want to justify our own actions.
The worst is when we justify our actions because of something that someone else didn’t do.

“I did *this* so this person should have *this* done by the time I get home.”

“I don’t understand why you haven’t done *this* when I do *this* all of the time.”

All victimhood.
Lemme explain why.

In your attempt to justify why something should be done,

you demonize the other person that should’ve done it in order to make your decision to not do it right.

In other words, you blame the other person’s inaction for your same inaction.
Because the right thing to do in that situation is to just do what you see hasn’t been done,

Especially when the person doesn’t show a history of neglecting certain things.

You’re making yourself a victim of their inaction to make your self feel better about your actions.
And that’s pretty shitty.

You’re choosing to see another person as less than because you want to feel right.

And that is an excellent way to miss your blessings.

The example given in the book was of a younger married couple.

Husband walks through the door,
House is a mess
Wife is a stay at home mom and they have two kids.

Husband starts griping about the house being dirty internally basically saying I go to work all day to provide for us and I have to come home to this shit 😂😂😂.

Now this is a valid gripe wit no context.
However, the problem with this is that there generally iiiiiiiis context in most situations.

Sometimes it’s your wife is lazy as fuck.

Sometimes it’s both of the kids are sick, you had an unexpected phone call, and you’re trying to cook dinner at the same time.
Context point number 2 is what happened in the book, but husband went with context point one, because he wanted to feel superior to her for going to work all day then coming home to clean.

He wanted to be a victim so he’d have something to bitch about.
And that is the wrong way to go about it because in that moment,

He saw his wife and kids as a burden, not the people that looked up to him and depended on him.

“I go to work all day and come home to a dirty house. You don’t even work, why is the house dirty?”
Let’s analyze this.

So if you come home and shits fucked up around the crib,

The logical thing to do is to just clean it up because it’s dirty right?

Everything else that you put on top of that is extra.

In that extraness, you have an opportunity to assume several things.
1) wife is busy with something else and couldn’t get to this in time so I’ll just do it

2) wife is lazy as fuck so I’ll do it and not be happy about it

3) wife is lazy as fuck so I won’t do it and make her do it later

Let’s stop here for a second.
Options 2 and 3 are gonna come with an argument.

Because both parties are gonna be charged up at some point. And if if the wife wants to apologize, she’s not going to because she feels attacked.

Victimhood party for everybody. Nothing gets solved.
Let’s look at option 1.

Assuming the highest form of someone else gives them benefit of the doubt and makes it much more likely that they will not only apologize,

But compensate for it in the future.

You know why?

Because people like to feel appreciated.
It’s no different than busting your ass at work then having your shitty boss come by and say that you missed a spot.

Intentionally wanting to see someone as wrong or as something different than what they are in that moment has dire consequences for the people close to you.
I’ll give a personal example.

When I was living with my parents earlier this year,
I remember having this conversation with my dad while I was reading this book.

In the convo he said “Tanei you said something to me one day that hurt my feelings so bad.”

I’m shocked 😂😂😂
And I’m like “well what did I say”

“While You were in Knoxville, you came home one day and said ‘don’t try to claim me now that I’m getting this PhD.’”

“Nahhhhhh there’s no way I said that. Are you sure??”

(Cuz my dad is awesome id never say something this fucked Up 😎)
“No You said it and I’ll tell you how I can remember. I called your grandmother the same day you said it and told her what happened and she couldn’t believe it either.”
So I’m sitting there fuuuuuuucked up cuz I’m like damn,

What made me say that to him out loud? Like I obviously don’t feel that way about him because I’m here now. What the fuck was I going through back then??

So quick backstory,
I didn’t always grow up with my dad.
And I was quite angry about it too because I felt like he didn’t try hard enough.

When I finally started staying with him, he was a hardass.

Throughout my high school years, he hated my friends 😂😂😂 cuz most of em were dirt bags in hindsight.
But we used to butt heads a lot when I came back home after I failed out of college the first time.

It was like nothing I could do was good enough. He was always in my face about dumb shit and I just generally hated being there.

I was ready to leave again.
That’s partially how I ended up back in Augusta.

Anyhow my dad was super judgmental of me because he felt embarrassed by me failing out of college the first time because everybody placed the high ass expectations on me that

I. Didn’t. Want.
This just made me rebel even more.

So I grew this chip on my shoulder towards my family because they kept wanting me to do shit that I didn’t wanna do because I’m definitely the smartest one in our family.

Everybody had all these high hopes for me. Tryna live vicariously.
So when I decided to get my PhD,
Part of it was to stunt and flex on people.

And part of it was because I wanted to prove to myself that I could do something hard without anybody else. Family included.

I was so blinded by my anger toward them, pop especially.
I hated that all throughout undergrad and grad school, I felt like I couldn’t ask for help even though my sister could fuck up constantly and get what she wanted.

At the same time, I had a million expectations placed on me.

Where they do that at???
So Me saying that was my way to pop off & get shit off my chest that I was mad at him about.

Even when I first came back home I didn’t really want to because I still felt the same way at first.

It wasn’t until I sat down and realized the part that I played that things changed
I realized that I could’ve asked for help at any point, but I chose not to so that I could have extra ammo too clapback about my parents treating me different from my sister.

I also realized that I wanted to feel more important than I actually was because I was insecure.
I was getting smart so I wouldn’t feel small.

I got smart so I wouldn’t be poor.

I blamed my parents for that.

When all I really had to do was just be myself and be happy.

Because I was insecure, I saw others through a lens of insecurity.

And they acted accordingly.
It wasn’t until I saw the deep wounds that I was causing myself that I realized how I was wounding others.

All because I wanted to be a victim.

So what did I do?

I set myself free.

I forgave myself first and foremost for wanting to be angry.
Second, I forgave myself for comparing my family to other people’s families.

My family is mine and I’m none the wiser or better off for comparing them to anyone else. I chose to come here into this body and this family.

Can’t complaint now 😂😂😂
Third I forgave my dad for just not knowing what to do with me.

He did the best he could.

And when I realized that, i felt this rush of energy and the world just became, for lack of better words:

Clear again.
I realized that my ability to see the best in others would eventually bring it out in them.

At the very least, it would at least make them consider something different.

At worst, the people that weren’t ready would just vibrate right on outta here.

Either way I’m good.
I’m much more forgiving these days.

Because it literally saved my life.

I’m no sucker, but I do give you a clean slate to work with everyday.

If you keep showing me the same thing, I assume that’s who you are just at the core. And that’s ok

It just may not be a match 4 me
And it may be a match 4 me. Either way, I’ll give you latitude to fuck Up if I know you’re practicing getting better.

I can’t imagine cutting my dad off now even though we share a rough past together.

Because I see him for who he is now.

And when I changed, I could see his.
And that really goes for anybody from my past.

I’m always willing to give people another chance if I can tell they’re actively practicing.

Because my dad didn’t give up on me no matter how much of a little shit I was 😂😂😂

So I won’t hold your past against you.
Because if I do,

You’ll never become who you’re supposed to be.
That was longer than I wanted it to be but oh well. Hopefully you got something out of it.

I’m less long winded on my email list so sub sub sub if you wanna learn how to let past actions go, and embrace the upgraded version of people -> bit.ly/LoAEmailList
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