To the guy who stopped me on Fourth Street to tell me I have a “beautiful walk,” here’s why I gave you the stink-eye.
1. In my two-block walk up Fourth Street, you were the second man who wanted me to stop what I was doing (walking to meet a friend for lunch) so you could give me your opinion about some aspect of my appearance.
2. You and I know each other in a professional capacity that makes it awkward for me to know how to respond to your comment on the aesthetics of my gait.
3. I WAS JUST WALKING UP THE STREET, DUDE.
4. When you registered my less-than-pleased response, you then explained to me that you were giving me a compliment. I know what you were doing. I am competent in social intelligence.
5. How about reading the cultural mood of the moment? This happened one week after the Christine Blasey Ford - Brett Kavanaugh testimony. Now is so, so not the time.
6. Guys, if you have never heard this before, news flash: When you say something like that, you are handing the woman a problem just as if you were handing her, say, a mound of dog shit. You are, in effect, saying....
...Here, take this pronouncement I just made about your physical person, and respond to it in a way that will make me feel good about myself, lest I decide you are a stuck-up bitch or worse.
7. Here’s what I do when a guy hands me that requirement. I cast my eyes down to communicate modesty and a lack of sexual interest. I smile so that you will believe that yes, I am flattered by your compliment as you intended, lest I anger you by rejecting your foray ...
...into my personal space and time. I laugh, but only a little, and again modestly, to defuse and diffuse any tension, sexual or otherwise, you might perceive. I make an incredibly bland comment so as to negotiate my exit. I walk away, taking care to do so in an inoffensive way.
8. It takes a fucking lot of energy to perform all of the above.
9. I do it so that your ego is sufficiently stroked so as to render the encounter unmemorable, and so that—if you are a stranger (or for that matter, not), and possibly prone to violence—you will not physically harm me, or scream at me, or call me names. ...
...But not you, Guy on Fourth Street, because I know you’re cool.
10. Oh, about that? See the next two items.
11. I may or may not choose to explain to you why I didn’t care for your compliment. For instance, I did not tell you, Guy on Fourth Street, that you were the second guy to approach me in the space of two blocks. I did not say ...
...that you interrupted me as I was enjoying the company of my own thoughts, and I wasn’t in the mood to spend my precious energy summoning the subtlety and nuance required of Item #7 in this list.
12. Why did I choose to skip the educational step? Because, Guy on Fourth Street, had I chosen to explain the origin of the stink-eye I gave, you surely would have gone to great lengths to explain that you are a good guy, that you meant no offense, that of course I understand ...
...your positive intentions. In other words, you would have handed me problem #2 to solve, the necessity of reassuring you that no, really, I know you’re one of the good guys, really I do, ha ha, carefully calibrated smile, carefully modulated voice, carefully inoffensive ...
...body language. All of this reassurance would have made me late for lunch.
13. A lifetime has taught me that if a woman knows what's good for her, she makes sure she leaves a reassured male at the end of such an encounter. Not an angry one. Not one who might decide he's owed some sort of compensation for the ego-stroke he has just been denied.
14. A note to my guy friends of long standing: I am not talking about a passing compliment you may have given me in the course of an ongoing conversation. Honestly, we’ve been friends for decades, and I was fine with that. No, I am talking instead about men I don’t know well ...
...or at all, stopping me on the street, or during my workout, or whenever, to interrupt my day, announce their judgment upon my physical person, and then await their reward.
15. To that second kind of guy: I don’t care what you think about the way I look or walk or dress or wear my hair. I don’t want to have to take care of your emotional needs so I can walk away feeling safe, or even just feeling that we’re still cool.
16. In sum: Have the thought, sure. I don’t care. But keep it to yourself.
@RixeyMegan Thanks for retweeting!
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