I already have so many regrets
Also, I'm watching this in the dark because I've been told it's a very dark movie and my regrets are just... so many
First off, this space ship does NOT look very safe. This is an OSHA violation waiting to happen.
Nostromo? That doesn't sound ominous.
Crew of seven? Okay, so, that's... six people who are going to die horribly and Sigourney Weaver.

I see your angle, movie.
Oh no, these are very small, claustrophobic corridors.

And a lot of weird ambient noise.

Oh no.
I do not like this
WHY ARE SPACE SUITS SO CREEPY I ask you
wait what was that noise
Oh man, 70s technology
Why is everyone in sleeping pods? And tighty whiteys?
AWWW they have a ship cat!!!
Smoking in an enclosed spaceship, what could possibly go wrong
........does the cat make it?
...are you guys seriously fucking LOST?

How the

Maybe you deserve to be eaten, jeez
Check a transmission of an unknown origin?

IN SPACE?

You stupid motherfuckers
Guys, I have the feeling their mining company is not super on the level
Even that planetary system looks fucking ominous
Sure, why not go and set foot on the strange alien planet with the strange unknown signal. Totally safe. Totally nothing to be concerned about.
Annnnnnnnd now your ship is all broken. That's what you get.

Also did they land ON eggs because uhhh it looked like they crushed some eggs
"I'll volunteer to be in the first group to go out"

BRITISH DUDE DO YOU HAVE A DEATH WISH
"Maybe break out the weapons"

YA THINK????
I dunno about you, but that looks like a fucking inhospitable environment and you should all go back in the ship and go home

Please?
I have to admit, I love all the talk about shares. It's like an ultra creepy space version of It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World.
WHY ARE YOU GOING INTO THE WEIRD SPACE CAVE
Can I just say Ripley's high tops are awesome?
oh that can't be good
"Let's get out of here"

YES, LET'S, PLEASE. DO NOT GO TO THAT CRASHED SHIP, DO NOT PASS GO, DO NOT COLLECT $200
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE
................I suddenly just remembered HR Giger was involved

Oh god
Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat the hell is THAT
Oh

Man

That... that's gonna be in my nightmares
I OFFICIALLY DON'T LIKE THIS
GUYS
OF COURSE THE MESSAGE IS A WARNING

JESUS

oh my god you are all going to die
WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE GOING TO GO OUT AFTER THEM?????
WHY ARE YOU GOING DOWN IN THE HOLE

IN THE ABANDONED CREEPY SHIP

ON THE CREEPY PLANET
guys I can not even begin to tell you how far back in my chair I am leaning away from my TV right now
WHY ARE YOU INVESTIGATING THE EGGS

THAT ISN'T NORMAL

NONE OF THIS IS NORMAL
ohgodnoohgodnoohgodnoNONONONO
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNNDSGHSDGGGHNOOOONONONONSDGHSKGHFUCKINGCHRISTNO
NONONONO

OH GOD

WHY

OH GOD OH GOD THE THING AND THE EGG AND HIS FACE ANDNOOOOOOOOOO
BRITISH DUDE WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM WHY DID ONLY TWO COME BACK
YEAH FUCKER YOU KNOW THE QUARANTINE PROCEDURES
oh god they're going to ignore the quarantine procedures aren't they
RIPLEY IS THE SMARTEST PERSON ON THIS SHIP

You all die and she lives for a reason
Oh no. I've seen this scene before

oh no guys no
oh HELL no
Uuuuuughdgsgsfkg oh god why
What do you mean, how are you going to get it off?

HE IS A LOST CAUSE, JETTISON HIM OUT AN AIRLOCK AND MOVE ON
They're going to freeze him?

I'm confused. So, like, stasis?

Or, like, incubation?

.....ohhhhhhhhh

...oh
Or like an MRI?

I am so confused
Wait, down his THROAT???
you're going to need a bigger scalpel
what the SHIT

THEIR BLOOD IS ACID?!
How could this get ANY worse? Acid blood is just unfair.
WONDERFUL DEFENSE MECHANISM

OH YOU SWEET SUMMER CHILD
I LOVE Hawaiian shirt guy. That look when he was handed back his acid melted pen was GREAT. Like, the fuck do you want me to do with this?
I love how these two are just casually chilling in the medbay with the acid-monster thing stuck to their buddy's face. Like, maybe you should lock him up or whatever? Not sit and chat in the same room? With the alien with the acid blood and the limb down your buddy's THROAT MAYBE
"Oh, this is very interesting scientifically"

DUDE, YOUR MATE IS THERE WITH AN ALIEN THAT HAS ACID FOR BLOOD ON HIS FACE AND YOU'RE ACTING WAY TOO CHILL RIGHT NOW
"Maybe I should have left him outside. Maybe I jeopardized all of us bringing him in here"

*head in hands* I just. I can't.
this is why all of you are going to die

THIS IS WHY WE HAVE QUARANTINE PROCEDURES
WHERE DID IT FUCKING GO

OH GOD WHERE DID IT GO
Oh hey, the acid blooded alien is missing, let's all stand around an OPEN FUCKING DOORWAY looking around like FUCKING IDIOTS
ahahaha jump scare noise

that didn't get me at all

totally didn't get me

nope

*wraps blanket tighter around self*
JESUS FUCKING FUCK

GET OFF RIPLEY

OH GOD FUCK THIS PLACE
Afjshgksdjghg oh god it's so gross up close

all like shiny and glistening and

no

just why
ASH WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM
Everyone on this ship is WAY TOO GODDAMN CALM considering what the fuck is happening
I don't fucking trust Ash either, Ripley

Ash is up to something
......don't tell me they're going to go back and connect to their bigger ship

after breaking quarantine procedures

on the scary alien planet

guys
Wait, you're HOW far away from Earth?

Oh fuck
HE'S ALIVE?!?!?!
Okay, Cain is WAY too chill considering the TRAUMATIC ALIEN EVENT that happened to his FACE
So

Let me get this straight

Cain wakes up from having an alien stuck to his face and down his throat and... and everyone is just going to sit and have lunch? Like nothing happened?
oh no
oh no THIS is the scene I know

oh god no
Oh god, Cain looks like he's in real agony choking like that, I hate it. Poor Cain.
AHHHHHJESUSFUCKNO
FUCK THIS MOVIE
OH GOD I'VE NEVER HEARD THE CHESTBURSTER SCENE WITH SOUND BEFORE

ONLY IN GIFS

YOU CAN HEAR HIS RIB CAGE CRACK OPEN

whimper
WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN "DON'T TOUCH IT"?!?!?!?!?!

IT'S AN ALIEN THAT JUST BURST OUT OF SOMEONE'S FUCKING CHEST CAVITY

WHAT IS WRONG WITH FUCKING ALL OF YOU?!
IT FUCKING RAN AWAY

OH DEAR GOD

I JUST FUCKING CAN'T
the movie has to be almost over yet right?

right?
WHY ARE YOU ALL JUST STANDING THERE?!?!?!?!
That thing is LOOSE in your GODDAMN SHIP and none of you are FREAKING OUT?!
Oh, NOW you shoot him out the air lock
none of this had to happen

you had so many opportunities to have this not happen

there were PROCEDURES
Why is your goddamn ship so dark!
Wait, excuse me, why do you have a NET?

You're going to catch the alien with a FUCKING NET?
YOU COULDN'T EVEN CATCH THE CAT WITH A NET AND YOU THINK YOU CAN CATCH A XENOMORPH?!
oh no Hawaiian shirt guy please don't be next
oh man the chances of that being jonesy are VERY FUCKING SLIM
Well I'll be damned, it WAS Jonesy!

GOOD KITTY
Why are they trying to catch Jonesy?
you guys can not even begin to imagine the amount of concerned, terrified little noises I'm making right now
why... why are you just... standing under the... what I assume is like condensation or whatever?
Hawaiian shirt guy are you okay...?
OH NO
THAT'S A TAIL

OH NO

HOW DID IT GET SO BIG SO FAST
FUCKING CHRIST
OH

MY

GOD
DKGSKGJHSFGKJHSFGKJFUCK

FUCK

FUCK
NOT HAWAIIAN SHIRT GUY
Nothing good ever involves air shafts
The black guy is the only one suitably worried for how BAD their situation is. Their captain is utterly fucking useless. Literally the worst.
Oh, so NOW you want procedures
What are your chances?

YOUR CHANCES ARE BAD DUMB ASS WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK THEY ARE
I do NOT like these weird air shaft junction door things
Ridley Scott you motherfucker
"It's moving right to you!"

".....uh?"

THAT IS YOUR REACTION???
I actually just screamed out loud at the alien finding the captain

I CAN'T DO THIS
it was all black and dark and then the light AND THEN BOOM ALIEN REACHING OUT

FUCK THIS MOVIE
EVERYONE IS NOW SUITABLY FREAKING OUT

ONLY TOOK FUCKING THREE DEATHS
This woman has the right idea, get in the escape pod and GET THE FUCK OUT
Seriously though how did it get so big in such little time?
Also, am I the only one who thinks it's weird they call the HQ mother?
I FUCKING KNEW ASH WAS UP TO NO GOOD
"Crew expendable"

WELP
JESUS WHEN DID HE GET IN THERE

I just yelped for no goddamn reason ASH YOU BASTARD
YEAH GET HIM RIPLEY FUCK HIM UP
OPEN THE POD BAY DOORS ASH
Why is his sweat weird

oh

oh no
I HOPE YOU DIE HORRIBLY ASH

YOU FUCKER
OH THANK GOD THE TEAM ARRIVED

WAIT, SHIT, WHAT THE FUCK
GASP

HEADS DON'T DO THAT
WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK IS GOING ON???????
WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT
FUCKING WHAT

EXCUSE ME

WHAT THE FUCK

HE'S A FUCKING ROBOT??????????????????????????
I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS

I DID NOT SEE THAT COMING AT FUCKING ALL

WHY WAS HE A ROBOT??????????
Oh god this is even fucking more disturbing then the actual fucking alien
WHAT IS EVEN GOING ON????
*full body shudder*

fuck this movie
AHHHHH

oh god I hate Ash so much and now his head is on a table and it's FREAKING ME THE FUCK OUT

THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT ALIENS
I hate Ash EVEN MORE now
Smug fucking robot asshole.
Oh

the fire did not make that tableau any less disturbing but, uh, thanks for trying?
Splitting up

Sure, why not

Because that NEVER goes poorly in horror movies
Ripley putting her hair up is the universal sign of all women WHO FUCKING MEAN BUSINESS
Oh yeah, make tons of noise, I'm sure the alien isn't attracted to that or anything
I will say this, Ridley Scott sure does know his way around a fucking camera angle. So many really well done shots just over people's shoulders or angled slightly upwards. Really well done there.
Cat jump scare

Totally didn't get me

I totally didn't jump and shriek like a giant coward

Totally didn't
OHHHHHHHSHIT
WHY ARE YOU JUST STANDING THERE

OH NO IT'S MOUTH

MOUTHS
Screams and then silence

That's even worse
Hold it together, Ripley. You got this. I believe in you.
Self destruct on

Get the fuck out of there, Ripley. Please. You are so close.
OH GOD

RUN
OH GOD JONESY NO

DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE ALIEN
WAIT WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO STOP THE SELF DESTRUCTION
Nope, the spewing smoke an coolant didn't jumpscare me

Not at all

Everything's fine here

Yup
oh thank god jonesy
Ripley you can't just HURL Jonesy's crate like that!
Please don't let the alien be in here

please
YEAH FUCK YEAH YOU GOT AWAY!!!

THE SHIP EXPLODED AND EVERYTHING IS OKAY!
IS RIPLEY OKAY????
I mean, wow, that was some fucking explosion. Definitely dead. No need for sequels. We're all good here.
AND JONESY IS OKAY!
I am so fucking glad

Everything worked out in the end, I guess?

I mean, apart from all the deaths.
wait

why is the movie not over yet
ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS
OH MY GOD

ARE YOU ABSOLUTELY FUCKING SERIOUS

FUCKING OF COURSE
It it wounded?

Please be wounded

RIPLEY YOU ARE IN YOUR UNDERWEAR WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Okay. Spacesuit. Good idea.
I fucking knew it. They got away too easy.

Oh god, that gun is NOT big enough
Heh. Wait. Is the alien STUCK in the pipes?

Like Winnie the Pooh in a tree!

HAH! Serves you right, asshole!
WHY ARE YOU JUST STANDING THERE AS IT WORKS IT WAY FREE???

NOW IT'S OUT WHAT ARE YOU DOING RIPLEY
WHY DOES EVERYONE IN THIS MOVIE JUST STAND THERE?!
FUUUUUCK YES AIR LOCK FUCK YES HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES YOU STUPID ALIEN!!!
AND IT'S DEAD IT'S DEAD FUCK YES FUCK YOU
LAST SURVIVOR OF THE NOSTROMO FUCK YES

RIPLEY 1 ALIEN 0
OH THANK GOD THE CREDITS

*sobs with joy and relief*
Well. Now I've seen Alien. And it was EXCELLENT. Really well done, I didn't see any of the twists coming, and it was definitely scary. What an incredible movie.

AND NOW I NEVER HAVE TO SEE IT EVER AGAIN
Join me *sighs* on Saturday, October 27th at 8pm EST as I live tweet along with The Thing, which I have never seen.

ARE YOU HAPPY @sblackmoore
I hope you're all happy.
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