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Saeed Jones @theferocity
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Well, now I’m watching #Outlander for the first time. Being sick is great for catching up on TV shows.
This lady is giving me Cate Blanchett and I live. Also, I’ve always wanted to have sex on top of an ancient ruin.
Oh, Frank! He’s the actor who will be on the upcoming season of The Crown. I really like the lines on his face — like cold, chiseled stone.
Whew. These white people be fucking.
OMG, Frank in the past is not Frank. OMG. (Y’all, I know basically nothing about this series except that many women I stan for love it and now I AM SHOOK.)
I ain’t even finished the pilot of #Outlander and I’m already like “You see why time travel is only for straight white men?”
“You’re shaking so hard it’s making my teeth rattle.”
YOOOOOO. THIS SHOW IS SEXY AS FUCK. MY GOODNESS.
OMGGGG. One day, you’re getting fucked on ancient ruins and the next you’ve time traveled back to the same spot before they were ruins. What a pilot! I’m in.
Also! The #Outlander pilot reminded me of the novel “Song of Achilles” in which the queered / feminine partner gains access to the masculine space via being a good nurse. (Is this the cold medicine talking or am I on to something?!)
THIS. SHOW. IS. EVERYTHING.
Okay, girl. Having people fear and respect you as a witch isn’t the WORST time-traveling scenario especially when you’ve got a horny, kilted dude raring to go.
Is it the cold medicine or am I accurate in my assessment that Dougal is hot? (Not as hot as dude with the broken arm, but hot.)
Random hot men just pop up out of nowhere on #Outlander. Whew.
OH SHIT. He’s got a red coat?! Is this nigga British?! Claire, girl, SHIT IS ABOUT TO POP OFF and you out here arguing about goats.
UPDATE: Dougal is definitely hot, but he’s also really mean! Hmph. He’s mean to Jamie. He’s mean to goats! He’s mean to Claire. HMPH.
My mentions are FULL of #Outlander fans saying “you think the fucking is hot now? Just wait until later in the season.” Y’all some freaks. And I love it.
OHMYGOD. Jamie was sleeping on the floor in front of her door to keep Claire safe. And she didn’t know. OHMYGOD. She’s inviting him inside. OHMYGOD. He politely declined to protect her “reputation.” OHMYGOD.
Claire is bold as hell. I’m both cheering her on and absolutely terrified for her.
I don’t care if Angus is starting to be nice. He is TRASH. Rancid, toxic trash. Hmph. HMPH.
*googles “how do you say “bitch, don’t try me” in Gaelic?*
Dougal and this British soldier:
Claire gotta get away from these British soldiers. Jeremy Foster is bae, but the rest of these dudes are not to be trusted! You in danger, girl.
OH SHIT. Not Frank is going to make Claire a spy?!
This flogging scene is one of the most graphically disturbing things I’ve ever watched.
DID RANDALL JUST SAY “IT WAS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING I’VE EVER SEEN”?! Y’all I just stood up in my living room.
The fact that Claire hasn’t run out of that room screaming is all the proof I need to know that she’s either the baddest bitch alive or out of her damn mind. This Randall nigga is the antichrist’s ex-boyfriend.
HE PUNCHED HER IN THE STOMACH.
Y’all.
DOUGAL, MY NIGGA. Get her the fuck out of there.
JAMIE IS A VIRGIN. BITCH!!!
Pausing before episode seven to fix myself a hot toddy. This show is TEW MUCH. I need support.
Jamie is so nervous! OMG.
He looks so hot in that kilt. LIFT IT, CLAIRE. LIFT THE KILT FOR THE CULTURE.
Me, when Jamie said “to bed... or to sleep?”
Y’all.
YOU GUYS.
THIS IS PORN.
Need to work on your pacing, Jamie.
Jamie walking around in just his undershirt is... what we all deserve in these troubled times.
Why is the accountant dude shopping for a wedding dress in a brothel?
Whew.
Claire just said “Take off your shirt. I want to look at you.” And I’m like..
lakslslslslskssnslslskskslslslsl
Alexa, play “Side To Side” by Ariana Grande.
YO.
Dougal... SIR. Back the fuck up.
I just saw Jamie’s pubic hairs.
I’m sorry, but I just started laughing at the pearl necklace. Like, we get it. They’re both covered in semen at this point. SYMBOLISM.
Well, based on all of your warnings, I’m terrified and about to watch the finale of season one. #Outlander
It’s apparently the mid-season finale? Didn’t even know that was a thing. Anyways, onward.
What do #Outlander fans call themselves? Pregnant.
RUN, GIRL.
LOL. The accountant dude has been packing heat all this time?! I love that guy.
HOLY SHIT, FRANK.
[unspeakable horror is occurring]
“I’m going into shock.” God, that’s such an awful feeling. Frozen from the inside out, aware of what’s happening to you but unable to handle the intensity of what’s racing through your mind and body.
THE STONES! RUN, GIRL. POST HASTE.
NOOOOOOOOOOOO.
YOU BRITISH BASTARDS.
She’s got your number, Black Jack.
(No spoilers, please.)
Update: OH SHIT. OH SHIT. OH SHIT. OH SHIT. OH SHIT. OH SHIT.
JAMIE.
GOD DAMN IT, I WAS GOING TO TAKE A NAP AFTER THIS EPISODE.
I’m taking a nap. These white people have worn me out.
I’m back. Episode nine. (I’m mad that I didn’t have a dream about getting fucked by a dude in a kilt. The nerve.)
Black Tom Randall asked Jamie to show him his back scars. THE CAUCASITY.
When Jamie decided not to kill Randall:
She apologizes to him and he forgives her and I’m looking at both these white people like “EX-FUCKING-CUSE ME?!”
DID THIS NIGGA JUST PULL OUT A BELT?!
They’re back at the castle and the main dude has a fancy wife that I straight-up don’t remember existing? Anyway, I don’t like her.
AIN’T NO NOOKIE TONIGHT, JAMIE.
Young lady, put those pale breasts away! Jamie is a married man.
#Outlander is back to being porn.
Wait a minute now. She’s riding him cowgirl style while holding a knife to his throat and LECTURING HIM ABOUT RESPECT. Claire is everything. KNOW A QUEEN. KNOW HER.
“What does ‘fucking’ mean? You called me a fucking bastard. And what about ‘sadist’? You called me that as well.” LOLOLOLOLOL.
OH, SNAP. A CAUCASIAN VOODOO DOLL.
Jamie literally refuses to stop eating her out. I... Lanslslssbskdlskdbdkdkd
Claire walked up to that girl like “You feeling froggy, bitch? Jump.”
Claire, you time-traveled after touching a damn rock, but don’t believe in fairies and changlings?!
The duke is a shady bitch and I live.
“I must admit that shielding him from the consequences of his misdeeds feels like a full-time job... AND I LOATHE WORK.” LOL. The duke is everything.
Me, when the duke ran his fingers over Jamie’s lips:
Geillis is treacherous and I love her.
They drew their swords and the Duke said “absolutely the fuck not” and got out of the way. I’m screaming!
Jamie warned Claire that Geillis is dangerous and THE FIRST THING SHE DID was run right to Geillis.
Claire is so dumb when she isn’t being smart.
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAS, THE ACCOUNTANT AKA EDWARD AKA MY PALE NIGGA.
Edward’s name is Ned? Oh. LOL. Well, he looks and lives like an Edward.
Dougal and Geillis are basically Macbeth and Lady Macbeth.
The priest just smiled.
DAMN IT, CLAIRE.
JAMIE! YAAAAAAASSS, KILT DADDY! INTERVENE, MY NIGGA. INTERVENE!
OH MY GOD, GEILLIS. OH MY GOD.
I don’t know why he believes her but thank goodness he does because WHEW.
Listen. When you’ve narrowly escaped being burned at the stake for witchcraft, the very LEAST your husband can do is finger you to orgasm.
Me, regarding Claire’s decision:
I know Jamie better apologize to his sister. I know that.
I STAN JENNY and hate that sexual violence is literally our introduction to her. Like, damn.
Me, regarding Jenny’s flashback:
Jenny is not the one. She’s not here for Randall’s bullshit or Jamie’s bullshit or Claire’s bullshit.
Randall is terrifying even when he’s just sitting at his desk.
Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. WAIT.
I KNEW IT. My gaydar — even for fictional characters — is unmatched.
Every time there is a happy, idyllic scene, hell breaks loose soon after. I won’t be fooled by this charming Scottish music again.
I’m so stressed out I can’t even enjoy seeing Jamie butt naked at the mill. SMH.
Okay, I’m calling it a night. I’ll go back to watching the last four episodes of season one tomorrow, probably. Shout out to Sudafed for making my tweets especially... special.
Picking up the #KiltDaddy thread where I left off. Season 102, Episode 5: “The Watch.” Y’all have warned me to be shook and prepared throughout the rest of the season. I’m shook and unprepared. Onward, friends!
Jenny is so sharp. She could be a general. She... probably SHOULD be a general.
Jamie being short-tempered at the WORST possible time = Claire’s determination to go LEFT every time someone reasonably warns her to go RIGHT.
Gosh, when Jamie is a good husband he is a GOOD HUSBAND.
OH, SNAP. Surprise stabbing! MAN DOWN. MAN DOWN.
I keep thinking about how far we’ve come in medicine and technology and how, even in the United States, childbirth is still only marginally safer for mothers than it was for women like Jenny. So fucked up.
And these jackasses have the NERVE to complain that Jenny is making too much noise as she tries to survive labor... without medication.
(With love, I mute anyone who tweets me spoilers or constant foreshadowing.)
“I realized that money taken is twice as sweet as money earned.” I do believe that’s Scottish for “I secured the bag.”
AMBUSH!
Shout out to Jenny because I don’t know what the hell Claire was gonna so by herself in the damn woods, armed with nothing but a map and ill-timed stubbornness.
OMG, YAAAAAAS. Jenny and Claire are serving me Thelma and Louise! I know the stakes are high, but YAAAAAS.
It’s interesting seeing again and again how Claire keeps colliding with more practical women like Jenny and Geillis.
POTATOES.
“You have a long and happy life to look forward to... but your husband doesn’t.” “REALLY?! Thank you!” LOLOLOL.
#Outlander meets “A Star Is Born” meets On The Run II featuring Claire and... this dude who isn’t a good Scottish twerker.
I’ve been informed that homeboy’s name is Murtagh Fraser.
He may be beloved, but he still ain’t a good Scottish twerker.
Ohhhhhh. Murtagh made the tusks into the bracelets! Okay, I get it now y’all. I stan.
(He still can’t twerk tho.)
DOUGAL and his chaotic evil mustache.
Dougal, sir, dude, bruh.
Whew. Stakes are high. But alas, it’s hard to stay up late when you host a morning show, friends. More #KiltDaddy tomorrow. XO.
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