its tuesday night baby. youknow what that means. its time to take precisely one shot of whiskey and lead a wagon train to oregon
this is the story of how i led a wagon train to the far-off paradise of, uh, the middle of fucking oregon
or more likely, how we all drowned face down in a foot-and-a-half-deep river crossing
this is the 2018 oregon trail livetweet: sorry for donner party rocking
this journey through time, space, and edutainment software is not sponsored by @GoodRiverBeerCO. good river. nice river. please don’t tip over my wagon.
let’s meet our victims
sorry, sorry. let’s meet our ADVENTURERS
accomplished actress dillys philler, age 65, was suggested for this journey by @athenahollow
courtesy of @logophobe we have peven stinker. peven believes that the world is getting better. we’ll see about that, peve
wendy sperra is here, thanks to @Your_Pal_Billy. wendy is 30, which is too old to still think ‘wendy sperra’ is funny (but i still do)
@hupperts brings us uh uhhh, age 25. i don’t know. this was originally going to be jeff bezos
and finally, the youngest member of our group, dissin’ terry, age 19. i suspect @Terry_McD snuck his own name in here, in contravention of the rules, but i don’t really care
good lookin group here
our wagon train leader, here thanks to @VanDykeMarx, is joel
now, here's the thing about joel: he really doesn't like guns. (i'm making all this up, don't blame @VanDykeMarx)
so out of respect for joel, i'm going to try to make it all the way to oregon without using any firearms. that's right: no hunting. i'm taking ALL the fun out of this
since we’re doing no harm tonight, joel’s a doctor
joel has a very particular set of skills
specifically, he doesn’t have any of the skills a coward would have: riverwork, carpentry, or blacksmithing
not yet but i think there’s a mod in the works
another skill i didn’t take is ‘seeing guidebook’ sorry. let’s get this show on the road
okay, so if you’re new to the livetweet, you may not be aware of oregon trail 5th edition’s worst feature: cartoons about stupid frontier children
first guy i see in town is trying to sell me a fucking constitution. get lost dude
if you let the game do your shopping for you you’re ruining your entire experience. ot5 is a robust and immersive shopping simulator
i <3 subtlety
first things first
obviously, that’s why she’s selling LIES
since joel’s a doctor i’m gonna buy most of the other medicines too. these two in particular definitely seem legit
you have died of hemorrhoids
what’s the plural of oxen? oxes? oxs? oxi? i don’t think anyone really knows
the redditor diet
that classic thing where you just buy a hundred pounds of pickles and another hundred pounds of potatoes
clothes were even expensive in the past good god
he takes a whiskey drink, he takes a whiskey drink, he takes a whiskey drink
he takes a laudanum drink?
i believe someone was asking about bladed weapons
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this, my party is dying of dysentery
grease the musical
i hear what you’re asking and yes the beads are for racist purposes
brandy did 9/11
okay. my wagon is substantially over capacity
infuriating that i have to pay sticker price for this
all right. i have enough supplies. i have enough wagons. i have enough oxens. i have no guns. there’s just one last thing i need
um, i would like to be responsible for as many lives as possible please
and we’re off!
the blue river ‘appears to be frozen’ so there’s clearly no way my very heavy wagons will fall through the ice
successfully across the river! and into westport, which has a blacksmith, which i need. why doesn’t independence have a blacksmith? because it has turned away from god
for shit’s sake janet we’ve been traveling for like two hours
i don’t know, if i wanted a guy to do a murder i probably wouldn’t just post ads around town
it’s that kind of wagon party
BAH GAWD THAT’S @aScottyMr’s MUSIC
uh yeah bitch i’m one of them. if you buy spare parts you’re inviting your wagon to break. mind over matter, son
anyway i’m now the proud owner of four anvils
i don’t know if ‘when they go low we go high’ was the ideal campaign slogan for a trail guide but hey I’ll take it
someone is whining at me that 1 degree fahrenheit is ‘extreme cold’
welcome to new santa fe where the locals are dicks
i’d like you all to meet bucky lastard. @JeremyColombe was just minutes too late to name a party member so he got to name this dapper NPC instead
can i raid the ferry
for real i’m not paying $14.60 that’s millions in 2018 dollars
i just floated across for free, why would anyone ever take the riverwork skill in this game
as veteran ot5 players know, the red vermillion river is a notorious asshole, and $1 is decidedly more my price
okay, look. this deserves to be presented in its entirety
i want to register my disagreement as to whether the river appears to be frozen
we’re going to wait this one out for a few days, folks. let’s see who’s around
i have to admit, i trust bucky lastard to tell me whether a thing is running
it is with a heavy heart i must announce that a chicken has died
we’re ready to float the big blue, which is at this point decidedly not frozen
another success. my talent for caulking wagons is the stuff of legend
they pay me to make the tough choices
as they say, when all you have is a concussion, everything looks like laudanum
congratulations to peven stinker on the first illness or injury of our journey
found a 19th century software developer
found the guy who stole his costume too
okay this is the dumbest landmark in the game. eat shit, ‘the coast of nebraska’
wrong jenny, it sucks
update: she says ‘coast of nebraskee’
true oregon trail kids will remember this one
bucky lastard has, uh, miscalculated the flour
i only have two sacks of flour left myself so maybe i shouldn’t talk shit
got four anvils tho
animals update: uh the milk cow died
davy crockett’s grandpa is here
i don’t know if there are better or worse places to stock up on salt pork and but this one seems good
this is... this is not what you want to see from a wagon full of whiskey
my laudanum! my whiskey! more of my whiskey!
also i think losing aloe vera in a fire counts as irony
supply check, please hold
okay this could have been a lot worse
the grandfather clock survived, thank fuck
another chicken died but the good news is it’s already roasted
and contrary to all sense and modern science, an anvil burned up
shut up and play wonderwall
oh baby
this is the ultimate party foul
abolish the carceral state, dynamite these rocks
here’s another of your classic oregon trail landmarks. in the old days you could ford every river like a dumbass and still probably make it here
sir, you have saved us
i giggle every time i look at the bottom left corner and see ‘morale is high.’ because of the laudanum
another successful crossing. the rivers: they’re good.
i think there’s actually a way through to oregon city via the mormon trail but i will absolutely fuck it up if i try it
she likes tradin’. she likes the hell out of tradin’
gone far too long with not enough anvils
i never pegged bucky lastard for a quitter. a shitter? absolutely. but not a quitter
look like rowan atkinson fucked the flag
what about not hunting any native americans at all you dick
make america great the first time
i want to address something about the anvil i just bought. yes, i paid more for it than the cost of the blue river ferry back in kansas. no, i don’t anticipate any follow-up questions
buying some more meat since we’re pretty much down to bacon and more bacon
oh god dammit here we go
i have played this game so many times and more than anyone else this bro haunts my dreams
anyway, laramie progress report: i have adequate supplies, lots of drugs and alcohol, four anvils, one grandfather clock. morale is high and party health, well,
i absolutely will be sharing my findings re: concussions and laudanum with the national football league
if you’re as old as i am, you may remember laramie as the last civilized place you saw before writing yourself a hilarious epitaph. let’s get back on the trail
why are you even telling me this. don’t you think i have better things to do
i cant be stopped
i’m afraid wendy sperra no longer has bofa deez legs @Your_Pal_Billy
take a second and really look at some of these bad treatment options
this guy absolutely did not trade all his extra sets of clothing because the set of clothing he’s wearing is as extra as it gets
gonna ask him for advice but it had better not be fashion advice
this is the only real russian bot
traditionally wagon parties aimed to reach independence rock by july 4 (hence the name). in game, it is may 5
we forget sometimes how hard it was to be a kid
the three river crossings are all child’s play so i’m going to break from my usual strategy and do something incredibly dumb here why not
but is it really a cold? or is it... dissin’ terry?
seems like a good time to check in on wendy sperra’s broken leg
okay wendy, we can treat the discoloration, but we can’t treat the pain, or honestly, the discoloration either
don’t insult me
i don’t know how the game guessed that i care most about the drugs and booze but it guessed right
we’re out of chickens
i just lost the game
folks if you watched the donner party cutscene you know exactly what we have to do here
i will succeed where they failed. specifically, i will succeed at not eating a person
bucky lastard always knows just what to say
man for $26 if the ferry’s not giving me a happy ending i’m not interested
fuck your $26
hey yeah i got a question: what the hell was the donner party’s problem anyway
dissin’ terry continues to suffer moderately from the coward’s disease
the thomas fork seems good and chill
IM INVINCIBLE
or at least waterproof
in any case i expect this to also go very well. gonna anchor the shit out of the wagon with my four anvils
FOUR ANVILS BEAT HILL
check out this badass inland pirate
she’s not wrong. there are coke springs AND pepsi springs
i think the hudspeth cutoff goes to california i can’t risk it
i’m increasingly concerned that the home stretch will be drama-free
uh my dude weren’t you a scout around very different parts like a couple of hours ago
well i am no geographician but
oh uh
it absolutely will not prove a little tricky and i’m tired of you undermining me
well if i cannot simply crush these rocks with anvils i don’t know what i’ve been doing this whole time
i don’t know what i’ve been doing this whole time
astute observers will recall i didn’t bring any spare parts
and, well,
frankly this is not a price i’m willing to pay
managed to get a replacement for one winter coat. as it’s still june, this feels like a big win
dont sign you’re tweets
uh i’ve had whiskey and laudanum stolen from me, what do you think i’m going to do
our intoxicants are safe
ah. the snake. this was an infamous killer in the original game. and it’s right on that ford/float borderline
so we’re just going to charge straight across that fucker
we’ve still got four anvils. we’ve still got the grandfather clock. we’ve still got thirty gallons of whiskey, eight pints of brandy, and nine bottles of sweet, sweet laudanum
well if it was good enough for socrates it’s good enough for me
today we celebrate our
she has followed me all the way from kansas just to do some tradin’
but it gets worse
tom brady hates them? yeah? sign me up!
snake river part 2 let’s go
NOT TODAY
more like dillys iller honestly @athenahollow
if you ask me she’s not chill enough smdh
picking up a definite bias against the great philosophers here. gonna eat this
my guy here gets real excited about thunderstorms
DEPLOY THE ANVILS
i lost my dairy cow like two thousand miles ago but i still have this stupid fucking butter churn
we’re running into some difficulties
i think we have to do the shortcut
luckily for peven stinker i’ve had excellent results using laudanum to treat everything
dillys philler likewise has food poisoning i wish i knew what was causing this
what like it’s my fault
i’ve had it with the complaints
under no circumstances should you uh get too hard with your animals
not to be confused with the john daly river which is a river of gin
yeah that’s what i get
now you can just fuck off lady
moderate inclines! my only weakness
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
i don’t feel i have any choice here. no member of this wagon party has been in serious danger at any point, and it’s time to change that
i’m going to raft the columbia river. with a touchpad.
turning the camera over to lady snow for this
STAGE 1
supply check: eight bottles of laudanum, 21 gallons of whiskey, six pints of brandy, TWO anvils, and WE LOST THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK
ALL IS NOT LOST
and at least we got rid of that stupid fucking butter churn
I WILL NOT BE DISSUADED
i will be dissuaded, actually. you all deserve a better ending than, uh, this
so as i suspect this stage is literally impossible, we’re going to portage around the rapids instead
brief production break
STAGE TWO
NOT AGAIN JESUS OUR GRANDFATHER CLOCK
WE WILL WALK INTO TOWN NAKED AS THE DAY GOD MADE US AND BEARING OUR GRANDFATHER CLOCK ON OUR SHOULDERS PROUDLY
ok
general goodsman hasn’t been seen much tonight but it’s good to see him putting in an appearance in the end @aScottyMr
STAGE THREE
we did it guys
had to compromise on my bid for 469 acres
man, good for joel. good job not killing himself and everyone he knew in a rafting accident
you did all right, joel
thanks to everyone who followed along tonight. this has been the age of napoleon podcast
and now i'm going to bed
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