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Nick Harkaway @Harkaway
, 55 tweets, 3 min read Read on Twitter
Everyone else is asleep. Huh.
If I watch the new Tomb Raider on Netflix, am I going to regret it?
I’m going in.
Oh, this is The Mummy?
I like the bike chase.
This film is a total misunderstanding. There’s all kinds of unwanted thought gone on here. Its like doing a story about the stamps of the Lovecraft mythos.
(Parenthetically: why do we keep telling stories about billionaire kids who choose to live in curious picturesque attics on the wrong side of town?)
(Rhetorical question. Please don’t answer it.)
(Another one: could we never do another young woman/dad story? Ta.)
Bearded soft-voiced psycho!
This movie is like trench war.
I mean obviously it isn’t.
But loooong periods of stasis followed by brief periods of insane action.
The whole thing is weirdly French. Or Scandinavian, even. Shadows and light, declarations of good and evil in cultured tones…
This movie is brooding. Big time. It has a significant aspiration towards art. It’s radically out of place.
I’m hearing all the dialogue as if it’s being read as French V/O by Kristin Scott Thomas and Jean-Louis Trintignant.
Oooh! Mudfight!
Oh god now we’re muttering
Hi I’m Oliver Queen
Really thought we were going to do magic healing root there. Stitching and full medicine box after seven years is an option. Sorta.
Oh finish the haircut please not a mullet please
Je suis encore sa fille moi.
Always use a grenade launcher on one guy. It’s totes emphatic.
Always use a rifle butt on the skull of the guy whose expertise you need. That is good for memory.
Say “open it Dad” and shoot him in the eye.
Well it was a long shot.
She has a plan.
So the twisty cylinder thingy…
I really assumed it mattered that was under water somewhere.
I’m abruptly reminded of an essay I once read about SF and action flicks in which the action requires the protagonist to enter some sort of terrifying anus.
The most egregious example given being Independence Day.
This anus is heavily armed by medieval standards. But it remains an analogue anus in a quantum world.
Worst pub quiz team ever.
Hey. Redshirts.
Oh please do the thing. Please!
Okay. Point scored. You did the thing.
“It’s a disease.”

No, it isn’t. That is absurd.
But I do like a freezer bag for a level 4 bio container. That’s how science works, that is.
And now we’re no doubt going to amputate.
You can’t touch this!

Na nah nah na.

Because it is infected with a primordial bullshit fungus!

Na nah nah na.

Can’t touch this.
Seriously believe you could get away with all this in French.
That gesture is not “dad loves you”. That is “Heaven and Earth are LIMITLESS” from Chinese Ghost Story.
No. No no no. The physics of that jump are definitely not okay.
Everyone! Spot of brooding before the last reveal?
Belatedly: why brass carrots?
I’m SHOCKED to discover the bad lady is bad.
Oh LOOK! You can buy huge guns over the counter in central London!
And so we return again to the end of the beginning. I maintain, as with The Specialist, that it belongs in a French arthouse cinema, but has mysteriously tried to be an action flick.
And so I leave you with this thought:
This entire movie is the dream dreamed by May Monro the night after she murders Joe Leon.
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