I’m going to share the best, most important thing that happened to me this year. About 2 months ago I had just finished a man-on-the-street shoot at a big outdoor mall in LA. The director and I decided to get food after and we walked into a mall restaurant and sat at the bar. (1)
We talked about work and relationships and then he had to go pick up his kid and I stayed and started working on my laptop at the bar. A guy a few seats down said “Hey. I couldn’t help but hear you work in entertainment!” I smiled and said, “Yeah” and kept working. “So do I!”
Then, picking up on something benign my colleague said, he launched into a story about his ex, and he called her a “Psycho bitch” and a “Jealous whore.” I smiled and made it very clear I was working. He kept going. I ended up saying “Sorry, I have an assignment due at 5.”
At which point he said, “You have no idea who I am, do you?” I turned and looked at him. I did not. He was in his 30s but boyish with surfer hair and a lopsided smile. “Ever heard of Vine?” “I have.” “YouTube?” “Yep.”
Then he rolled his eyes and said “Watch this.” He turned to the door and waved and shouted at a group of maybe 6 teenagers - boys and girls - hanging out around a bench just outside the restaurant. “You guys know me?” They all squinted searched his face.
“Come here! Get over here!” The guy was laughing now, waving them all INSIDE this Marmalade Cafe. They were super apprehensive, but they came in. One of them was going “Ohhh yeaahhh” like maybe he knew. The guy looked at me and goes, “In 10 seconds I’m gonna be taking selfies.”
The kids gathered around Mr. Entertainment and he - I swear on my entire family’s lives - points to his face. “Eh?” I closed my laptop and waited. The kids looked at each other and back at the guy and at me and then the shortest girl in the group finally spoke:
She turned over her shoulder and shouted at the hostess who was looking nervously at us ever since the kids walked in: “MOM! THIS WHITE MAN IS BOTHERING US!”
This is the best thing that happened to me this, or any year.

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More from @bessbell

29 Jul
A friend's male assistant is a fake email account she runs because people called her "difficult" and "impossible" for having small windows of availability until "he" started running interference and then people just accepted she was fucking busy. I AM VERY INTO THIS.
OK coming up with names for my fake male assistant. Bryan or Brian? I am leaning towards "Bryan" but could go either way. This is very smart!!
Guys I don’t have the organizational skills or cunning/nerve to do this without immediately fucking it up and giving up the ruse.
Read 4 tweets
18 Jun
Hello from an immunocompromised person who is the primary source of calories for a sweet, severely formula-allergic baby. If you do not think you should wear a mask, you are threatening a goofy boy who claps his gentle ravioli hands and shrieks “CAAABAA!” when the cat walks by.
Relaxing social distancing guidelines in the middle of a pandemic is going to spread covid into the community, and definitively going to kill a lot of people who would have otherwise lived if people gave just SLIGHTLY more of a shit. So, be the one who doesn’t do that. Thanks!
The stores and restaurants that were closed before are opened now NOT because we got the virus under control, but because we got bored. Other countries beat Covid, and we’re throwing it a good old fashioned American welcome-back party.
Read 4 tweets
19 May
Rachel Getting Married
Pieces of April
Read 6 tweets
16 May
The past few years working with Fred Willard was the kind of privilege that made me second-guess reality. He was so kind, so game, and so room-destroyingly funny until the end. Here’s a thread of him in his 80s being a master of his craft, kablaming you with joy. Long live Fred.
Fred gave the kind of performances that elevated the material to something devilish and gleeful and twisted and goofy. He made villains into affable aw-shucks sweethearts. And he switched it on like a high beam. It took one take to nail it. He did his bits LIVE. Nobody does that.
He could stare down the lens and hold a beat for just long enough to change all the molecules in the room. The entire crew, everybody on set would have trouble holding it together multiple times a shoot. That also never happens.
Read 4 tweets
15 May
I swore I would never do this but I just blamed the baby for being late to a call but the baby is blameless. It was so easy. Nobody suspected a thing. I feel no remorse, just vainglorious power. I get how Darth Vader happened. I am evil now. May god have mercy on your souls.
I am now coming up with more things to blame on the baby. The list is endless. When the baby gets too old to blame I will have another baby.
The truly heartbreaking thing (for him not for me, a psychopath) is the baby was just sitting quietly on the floor going through his basket of things, picking up each thing, putting it down next to him, and then clapping to himself with a big smile. Meanwhile I was turning evil.
Read 4 tweets
9 May
Thrilled to announce I am TIME Magazine's Person of the Year. Thank you @lucas_wittmann and @TIME for this honor. time.com/5834272/my-mot…
It is the excerpt from the book that is the most meaningful to me and it's free to read for Mother's Day. I hope you enjoy it because it is from my very soul. OK! Back to lowering my son's crib mattress platform!
Thank you guys for reading my work! I'm glad when it's excerpted online so you can read an article's-worth of it and get the gist and maybe emote or laugh without having to pay. I'll post the rest of the free content below nytimes.com/2020/03/17/boo…
Read 5 tweets

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