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Okay everybody, it's time to switch gears, talk about something really important, something we can't ignore any longer.

We need to talk about Poopsie Slime Surprise.
You go ahead, you watch this. It's 30 seconds long.

And then we'll discuss.

For those who don't know --

Elementary school kids now, as they perhaps have always been, are way into slime. They love slime. They wanna make it, buy it, manufacture it in a lab, push it through fence slats to other countries, it's like BREAKING BAD for slime these days.
#bdub so far has not been super into slime, as he's kinda got a texture things against it. That's no judgement for or against him, just a preferential thing, but a lot of his friends are. We also try not to watch much live TV, preferring Netflix/recordings, but once in a while...
Once in a while, live TV is on, and when it is

that commercial

Poopsie Slime Surprise

my poops

MY POOPS
First and foremost you need to understand that the uhh, jingle? Is more insidious than any sci-fi brain-worm you may have seen. This thing crawls in. It embeds. It lays eggs and now you're never NOT thinking that song inside your head.
Let's walk through the commercial.

Let's start here.
Look closely, you'll note that a lot of that, A LOT OF IT, is mimicking food.

Food.

FOOD.

FOOOOOOD.

Which brings up so, so, so many questions.
question one: do we normally think of unicorn shit as food? is that a thing? that shouldn't be a thing
question two: do we really want to encourage our kids to eat this stuff? isn't that... isn't that sorta bad? isn't that why we banned those fucking Kinder Eggs?

don't eat your toys, christ
now back to the song

"unroll

what's the scoop?

you can make magic unicorn poop."

again, I have questions
note that the "unroll" part refers to it looking like

TOILET PAPER

another thing that is classically not a toy unless you're a cat
"you can make magic unicorn poop"

well no you fucking can't, pretty sure only unicorns can do that, that's just unicorn biology, you savages, THAT'S WHY IT'S POOP
okay so this is the magic unicorn poop and if I'm being honest, I'm a little intrigued

also...

...

I'd probably try to eat it so that's maybe a knock against it
and then this happens
that's "unicorn food"

and they're pouring it into a cup

like, a milkshake glass

so

...

food
(sidebar: in case you're wondering WHY WOULD KIDS EVER EAT TIDEPODS, well, here you go, they think it's magical pegasus turds)
whoa whoa hold up

HEY UNICORN YOUR POOP SHOULD NOT LOOK LIKE THAT

YOU HAVE INTESTINAL PARASITES OR SOMETHING

SEE A GNOME DOCTOR, AND QUICK
hey look I think poop is pretty funny, it's why I'm here right now talking to you about it, but RED SLIME POOP is something that requires medical intervention and just makes me queasy, but you do you, Poopsie Slime Surprise
(as a sidenote, my son sometimes calls this SLIMEY POOP SURPRISE which, I imagine, is a very different toy)
"so many colors to create

which poop will you make?"

well hopefully not the blood colored one, jeez
also that is definitely cocaine on top of a pile of slimy bloody unicorn stool

DON'T @ ME
this is some Willy Wonky business right here

it's like an Oompa-Loompa bathroom
"ultra-rare poops"

okay toy you're just gilding the lily now, it's already FECES FROM A MYTHICAL BEING, how rare can you get

also I know you're just trying to force my kid into a YouTube unboxing collector mindframe yOU BASTARDS
no comment here, I just think it's funny
and now, the part I really want to talk about

"KEYCHAIN KEEPS POOP FRESH"

whh

whhhh

wha

buhh

...
first, it makes me think of this

BECAUSE WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN

second, WHY would you want to keep poop fresh? poop is one of the few things where, the less fresh it is, the better, because the closer it becomes to just plain ol' dirt

fresh poop is arguably the worst poop, thanks for coming to my TED talk
the final image we are left with us of a series of diaper unicorns casually surfing a wave of rainbow sun barf

I won't even include the image here you can just go look for yourselves if you really wanna see it
my son assures me that there are also toilets you can buy to really make the experience more authentic
thank you for enduring my descent into madness, please click like and subscribe on my *checks notes* books and I hope my plunge into the rainbow barf rapids have proved a little bit distracting in this age of unparalleled shitnanigans
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