, 8 tweets, 1 min read Read on Twitter
Cross-examination protip: the purpose of cross-examination is not to lead the bad witness to repeat the bad things about your client and possibly say more bad things.
Witness: I killed six people for the defendant.
GOP Defense Lawyer: Isn't it true you killed EIGHT people for the defendant?
Witness: Oh, right. Sorry.
GOP Defense Lawyer: [nods smugly and crosses his arms]
Prosecutor: [hums a happy little tune]
GOP Defense Lawyer: Sir, you have tried to portray my client as reckless. But, in fact, isn't he very deliberate?
Witness: Yes?
GOPDL: In fact wouldn't you say he always acts knowingly and intentionally, not recklessly?
Witness: Also willfully.
GOPDL: ALSO. WILLFULLY.
GOP Defense Lawyer: Sir, you claim the President is a RACIST. But isn't it true that this person standing behind me is BLACK?
GOP Defense Lawyer: Your Honor, I offer my Livejournal posts about this TRAVESTY as evidence.

Judge: That's . . . that's not a thing.
GOP Defense Lawyer: Your Honor I ask the Court to take judicial notice that this witness HAS A DEFENSE LAWYER and that's SUSPICIOUS.

Judge: Are you drunk right now
It is 100% possible for a cross-examination to help rehabilitate a sleazy witness. As you can see.

I'm going to need to hit the ol' thesaurus for alternatives to "flailed ineffectually" for my column.
GOP Defense Lawyer: Isn't it true, sir, that by testifying about my client's crimes, you're violating a lawyer's duty of loyalty and confidentiality?

Witness: I guess?

GOP Defense Lawyer: AH-HAH!
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