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.@RepMarkMeadows begins CPAC with this rip-roarer: "You know, with this Green New Deal, they're trying to get rid of all the cows. But I've got good news -- Chick-fil-A stock will go way up because we gonna be eating more chicken!"
Meadows mischaracterizes Cohen's testimony, falsely says he said there's "no evidence of collusion" when in fact he just said he doesn't know of any.

These dudes are completely dishonest.
Mark Meadows does not have a future in comedy: "They may call you deplorable, but most people will call you adorable patriots, alright?
Holy shit -- here's @ScottWalker suggesting some people "take the baby home and kill the baby at home."

"By the way, it's not live-birth abortion. It's not infanticide. It is murder if you take the baby home and kill the baby at home, it's murder."

Nobody disagrees with that!
.@GOPChairwoman Ronna McDaniel: "People eating dog food to survive. That's the path Democrats want to take us down."
Former Trump White House official Sebastian Gorka: "They want to take away your hamburgers. This is what Stalin dreamt about but never achieved."

.@VanJones68 what are you doing?
LOL @mschlapp is owning Van Jones. Good job, good effort.
VAN JONES: "I've never seen a bird fly with only a left wing... we need each other." 🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️
VAN JONES to CPAC: "Here's the deal -- the conservative movement in this country... is now the leader on this issue of [criminal justice] reform... take some dadgum credit for being smart. Take some dadgum credit for getting it right." #yikes
The CPAC crowd breaks out in boos after Van Jones says, accurately, that "undocumented immigrants right now have a lower crime rate than the rest of us."
.@LindseyGrahamSC begins his CPAC speech by joking about assassinating Kim Jong Un: "Speaking of Rocket Man, he couldn't be here. And if he doesn't get a deal with Trump he won't be anywhere much longer."
Graham spreads baseless conspiracy theories: "How many of you worried about your content being taken down? [Applause]... The bottom line is social media companies have got a lot of power, they're pretty unregulated & we're going to take a long look at that b/c I'm the chairman."
A text from my mom
CPAC day 2 begins with @TomFitton promising "there's gonna be more accountability for Hillary Clinton." The audience applauds.
Buck Sexton is a *strong* radio name
.@SaraCarterDC: "Our kids are having parties, they call them 'Skittles parties,' where they bring pills and put them into bowls and everybody picks a pill that they want and takes them. I mean, it's kind of shocking when I heard about this, randomly taking pills."
Sara Carter claims that the opioid crisis is so bad that when she traveled to Ohio she saw morgues that were "so overflowing with bodies that they had to rent freezer trailers to put the children in the freezer trailers outside of the mortuary."
"SPACE FORCE" gets a standing ovation from CPAC when Mike Pence mentions it
PENCE: "We've already started to build that wall. [Applause] And I'll make you a promise -- before we are done we're going to build it all."

Audience breaks out in "Build the wall!" chants
Lots of breathing noises from Pence during his speech
Pence calls Trump "the most pro-life president in American history." He then gets a huge ovation when he brags about Trump pushing to defund Planned Parenthood in all 50 states.
PENCE: "With Democrat standing for late-term abortion and infanticide and a culture of death, I promise you this president, this party, & this movement will always stand for the unborn. We will always defend the unalienable right to life."

(Democrats do not support infanticide)
Pence claims Iran has the same genocidal aims as Nazi Germany.

"The Iranian regime openly advocates another Holocaust, and seeks the means to achieve it," he says.
Pence gets tepid applause after he says: "Last night President Trump returned from a 2nd historic summit w/North Korea in Vietnam. As the president said it was a productive 2 days... [But] as President Trump said as he departed -- sometimes you have to walk."
PENCE makes this historically dubious claim: "It was a freedom, not socialism, that ended slavery, won 2 world wars and stands today as the beacon of hope for all the world.
PENCE: "Nicolás Maduro must go... The truth is Venezuela needs what America has. Venezuela needs freedom."
Pence concludes with bromides about "freedom" and "the spirit of the Lord," and says, "to borrow a phrase from a friend of mine, we will make America great again."
LOL -- Donald Trump Jr, his girlfriend Kimberly Guilfoyle, Jerry Falwell, and his wife are doing a CPAC panel
Why is an independent businessman who has nothing to do with his father's administration because he wants to avoid conflicts of interest speaking at a political conference? 🤔
Don Jr attacks Dems over "post-term abortion" -- something that doesn't exist.

"That's called murder. This isn't women's health care. If the baby is born, and it's alive, the woman is no longer at risk," he says.
.@kimguilfoyle constructs a strawman, accuses the Democrats of wanting people to be murdered.

"That is murder. That is what the Democrats want."
Don Jr makes a #MeToo joke. @JerryFalwellJr then seems to threaten to shoot AOC if she shows up at his house and tries to "take my cows"
DON JR: "There's not a single economic metric -- not one -- where we are not better off today than under failed President Obama. Name one!"

(Someone at CPAC should've yelled out, "national debt!")
Not exactly a capacity audience for Wilbur Ross
.@michellemalkin: "I have been accused of being a 'grifter'... but it's the GOP sellouts, not just the radical open borders left, that's in bed with immigration saboteurs. Like the ones who hijacked the tea party movement to shill for amnesty. Those are the real grifters."
Wow. Malkin tries to dunk on "the ghost of John McCain"
Michelle Malkin refuses to stop talking, despite flashing lights indicating she needs to stop. She might have to be forcibly removed from the CPAC stage.
Very Serious GOP Tech Guy Sen. @HawleyMO begins CPAC interview by spreading baseless conspiracy theories about tech giants allegedly "marshaling their market power to shut conservative voices out of the marketplace."

The CPAC audience is very bored.
.@tedcruz falsely claims Democrats "want to kill all the cows."
*They want to take your hamburgers and make you eat dog food to survive* -- Here's a supercut of all the insane things CPAC speakers have been saying Democrats and cows
Beyond parody: CPAC’s main themes include cows and infanticide…
Diamond & Silk contributed a pro wrestling promo to CPAC
LOL -- Ahead of Trump's speech, CPAC is for some reason replaying footage of @ChrisCuomo owning @mschlapp on CNN
CPAC attendees are enjoying some Rolling Stones ahead of Trump's speech
Trump should be impeached for desecrating Neil Young's "Rockin' in the Free World," one of the great rock songs of all time
Trump makes out with the American flag
Trump seems to lose his train of thought in the middle of a rant about tariffs and ends up not making much sense
TRUMP: "You know I'm totally off script right now. And this is how I got elected -- by being off script"
"New Green Deal or whatever the hell they call it"
Trump goads the crowd into booing "the fake news," then suggests he was just being sarcastic when he called for Russian hackers to go after Hillary Clinton's emails during a 2016 news conference.

The crowd responds with "lock her up!" chants
As "lock her up!" chants thunder from his CPAC audience, Trump mocks the media for its coverage of Russiagate, then says, "these people are sick!"
Trump commends Meadows & other Republicans for attacking Mueller

"They fight so hard on this witch hunt, this phony deal... there's no collusion, so now it morphs into, 'let's inspect every deal he's ever done'... these people are sick"

Calls @RepAdamSchiff "shifty Schiff"
Trump says "bullshit."

"We had the greatest win of all time... Unfortunately you put the wrong people in a couple of positions, and they leave people for a long time that should not be there. All of a sudden, they are trying to take you out with bullshit. With bullshit."
Trump mocks Jeff Sessions' southern accent
Trump attacks Mueller's team: "One has perhaps the worst reputation of any human being I have ever seen. All killers."
Trump on Mark Levin's CPAC speech: "I guarantee, I will be watching it later. I have one of the great inventions in history. It is called TiVo. I think it is actually better than television because television is practically useless without TiVo."
TRUMP on COMEY: "He's bad. He's a bad, bad -- He's a bad, bad guy. That's been proven now with all of the emails." (Which emails he's referring to are unclear)

Then says, "The people at the FBI are incredible people. Not the sleaze on top."
TRUMP: "I am in love. You are in love. We are in love together. We have done something nobody has ever done."
Trump goes on a weird rant about a "great friend of mine from New York" who is "a stone cold killer."

"He kills people for a living, meaning mentally and financially," he says.
OMG Trump attacks @daveweigel!

"Of course, the Post wrote an article... he wrote an article, got there
4 hours early, took a picture of an empty arena. He said 'not very good crowd size'... I don't follow him."

He then mocks Weigel for not flying private planes. #populism
LOL Trump is still attacking the media for its coverage of his inauguration crowd (or lack thereof)

"It's all a phony deal folks. But I saw a picture the other night of practically no people! It was taken hours before our great day." #BeyondParody
This is Trump reenacting how his friends act when they call him on the phone
🚨 TRUMP: "We have people in Congress right now that hate our country... When I see some of the statements being made, it's very very sad. And find out -- how did they do in their country? Did they do well?... Some will say it's terrible he brought that up, but I don't mind." 🚨
TRUMP: "We have a gentleman that likes raising interest rates in the Fed. We have a gentleman that loves quantitative tightening in the Fed. We have a gentleman that likes a strong dollar in the Fed."

(The crowd doesn't know how to react to this and sits silently.)
Trump suggests environmental Democrats are supporting "trains to Hawaii" 🤔

He then claims the new gov of California @GavinNewsom recently called him and told him "you're a great president and you are doing a great job."
Trump on climate change: "You have to clean it up. It's called [forest] management. When a tree falls, you cannot let the environmentalists say you cannot take that tree out. It becomes a matchstick... the leaves, every once in a while, you have to remove the leaves"
TRUMP:"Everyone in this country, right now, because of our new economy is doing well, except for the Never Trumpers. But they are on mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Mouth-to-mouth. Mouth-to-mouth."
TRUMP: "Probably today or tomorrow we will actually have 100% of the caliphate in Syria."
Trump goes on a long and bizarre rant about his trip to Iraq
TRUMP: "I'm in the White House and I was lonely. I said, 'let's go to Iraq!'"

Within 30 seconds Trump pivots to ranting about how Hollywood discriminates against conservatives
Trump on the Green New Deal: "They want you to have one car instead of two. And it should be electric." #AnythingButThat
Trump on @maziehirono: "The crazy female senator from the state of Ohio... the state of Hawaii, right? She's like a crazed person. What she said about men is so bad. But she's standing in the hallway & she didn't know too much about the plan, b/c she can't understand that plan."
TRUMP on @SenWarren : "I should have saved the 'Pocahontas' thing for another year. Because I've destroyed her political career and now I won't get a chance to run against her and I would've loved it."
Trump shouts out Candace Owens & Charlie Kirk.

"We reject oppressive speech codes, censorship, political correctness, and every other attempt by the hard left to stop people from challenging ridiculous and dangerous ideas... instead we believe in free speech, including online."
Trump calls Hayden Williams on stage. Williams was punched on UC Berkeley campus. Trump encourages him to "sue the college, the university. And maybe sue the state."
TRUMP: "Today I'm proud to announce that I will be soon signing an executive order requiring colleges and universities to support free speech if they want federal dollars."
Trump has now been speaking for nearly 2 hours
We're now in the blood libel portion of the speech -- Trump says the belief that undocumented immigrants "are better than the people we have" is "nonsense" and "false propaganda."

"Just ask the Angel Moms how good are they," he says.
TRUMP: "1 in 3 women is sexually assaulted in the dangerous journey north. When I ran for president, my first speech, I mentioned the word 'rape'... if you look at that speech, that was so innocent compared to what's actually happening."
TRUMP: "Mothers who love their daughters give them massive amounts of birth control pills, because they know their daughters are going to be raped on the way up to our southern border. Think of that. True story told to me by the Border Patrol. Think of how evil that is."
Trump on his national emergency declaration: "A lot of people are concerned about setting precedent. 'The Democrats will use national emergencies, which is something we don't want.' They are going to do that anyway. The best way to stop that is to make sure I win the election."
TRUMP: "They used to call it anchor babies but they don't use that term anymore because it's not nice. Our laws are so crazy. But 1 by 1, we are finding ways. They call them loopholes... I'm finding loopholes to get around the loopholes. Because our Congress can't act."
Trump smears Democrats: "They are embracing open borders, socialism, & extreme late-term abortion...lawmakers in NY cheered as they passed legislation to allow babies to be ripped from the womb of their mothers. Right up to the very moment of death... the will execute the baby."
TRUMP: "The ones that love Trump, the ones that are really the Trumpers -- like Meadows, Jordan, Gaetz, so many of them -- they are the ones that win. It's the ones that are a little shy about embracing what we're all about, they get clobbered. Take a look."
Trump takes credit for Republicans gaining 2 seats in Senate last November, but says about the House "not all of our candidates were exactly great." (Republicans lost 40 seats in the House)
Trump on Stacey Abrams: "Who showed up? Oprah Winfrey. Michelle Obama. And President Obama. And they campaigned for her and they worked so hard and all our man had was Trump. And we kicked their ass."
Trump's speech has now surpassed 2 hours. This is getting lengthy even by Castro's standards.
Trump on Otto Warmbier: "I'm in such a horrible position, b/c in one way I have to negotiate, in the other way, I love Mr and Mrs Warmbier and I love Otto... I lot of what I do with respect to NK & and success that we hopefully have, we are given no credit."
TRUMP: "We need your incredible spirit on the 4th of July. We are having, in Washington DC, a great tribute to America. I hope you can all come. The 4th of July, keep it open. We want to bring millions of people into the city & we want people to come who love our country."
After more than 2 hours, Trump is finally done talking. His 2019 CPAC address was unhinged even by his standards.
Trump now claims it was just a "joke" when he asked Russian hackers to attack Hillary Clinton. Watch the footage side-by-side and judge for yourself. #gaslighting
TRUMP: I’ve never mocked anyone for being southern. Reports otherwise are fake news.

ALSO TRUMP: *mocks Jeff Sessions’ accent during major speech*
This historic self-own from CPAC chair @mschlapp is a fitting thread capper
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