Thread by @ryanllashton

@ToriGlass I’ve never really told this story in public before, but here goes...

THREAD: The year was 2005. I had graduated from Bible College and was living on campus as a carpet cleaner since I couldn’t get a job as a church intern.

@ToriGlass I felt like garbage, since it was super-clear to me you had to be in “the ministry” in order to be used by God. But no one wanted me. I figured God didn’t want me either.

Every evening after work I would be in the prayer chapel pleading for God to change me.

@ToriGlass I would be sobbing so hard that snot would pour out of my nose.

I couldn’t stop “lusting.”

I read about the “victorious Christian life” (Keswick Convention sanctification that teaches instant freedom from life-altering sin) and thought that would deliver me.

@ToriGlass Watchman Nee, Andrew Murray, AW Tozer, FB Meyer—author after author taught that “surrender” freed you. I tried and I failed, which led to more praying and sobbing and research.

It got to the point I had a knife to my wrist in the prayer chapel.

@ToriGlass I believed if God wasn’t going to be glorified by me then I didn’t want to live. I had just turned 21.

I didn’t attempt suicide. But I did go to a staff member later and ask for prayer. The police were called instead. I was handcuffed and taken to a mental hospital in So. Calif.

@ToriGlass As Katrina slammed into New Orleans, I was sleeping on the floor of a hospital, waiting nearly a week before I was able to talk to a doctor.

I was there for a total of two weeks before being released. “You aren’t crazy. You just need someone to talk to,” they told me.

@ToriGlass I was driven back to campus, shocking everyone there. “You’re a liability,” the Bible college leadership told me, “and you need to leave. You have six hours to pack up your possessions and vacate the premises.”

I was actually banned from that Bible College for ten years.

@ToriGlass I lived in my car because I had nowhere else to go. I lost everything. I went from CA, to CO, to ID begging pastors and churches for help and discipleship bc I wanted the “victorious Christian life.” Instead, I got biblical counseling. One Boise church excommunicated me entirely.

@ToriGlass Fast-forward to today. A lot more happened—spiritual abuse, getting kicked out from two other churches, a cult, another excommunication. I’m mostly numb and my spiritual life hangs by a thread. I can’t talk about my struggles because of the shame.

@ToriGlass I have never dated because (pastors have told me) my struggle is not a good to bring into a relationship. I may have internalized that message; I’m unable to fathom someone caring about me. Moreover, I find it nearly impossible to go to church again, though I try off and on.

@ToriGlass Mostly, I feel abandoned by God, who didn’t change me, didn’t comfort me, and didn’t help me when I needed it the most. I live perpetually in Psalm 13, never able to progress.

@ToriGlass My twenties are gone, and now I’m dedicated to helping abuse victims.

I’ve given up on ever finding a resolution to the events that brought me here, knowing there’s nothing that can make the past right. I’m just... here.

The End.

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