GIGI: Mom, calm down.
Q: [sobbing] I JUST LOVE YOU SO MUCH
Here’s where I have one tiny glimmer of sympathy for Barb because I want a talking horse too
BARB: Can we hurry UP, I’m BORED
QUEEN: [pulls out a knife]
BARB: ...you’ve piqued my interest.
QUEEN: Take care of this! It’ll help you!
GIGI: … with WHAT?
GIGI: Oh good, a stream. Would you please get me some water, Barb? I’d do it, but this corset -
BARB: No, you spoiled brat! I’m not your servant!
BARB: No. Use your hands. It’s what you deserve.
GIGI: … okay.
*ladies, raise ya hand if that sounds familiar
BLOOD DROPS: You’re telling us! If your mother knew you were tolerating this, her heart would break!
G: It’s not a big deal, get off my back. Bosom. Whatever.
BD: It’s the principle of the thing! This isn’t right!
G: Can’t hear, drinking.
GIGI: Hey, a stream! Barb, would you please get me some water?
BARB: ...We *just* went over this.
G: We did?
B: I’m not your servant, get your own water, & drink with your hands like an animal.
G: Oh, right, that.
G: Lord, what am I *doing*?
BLOOD DROPS: Yeah, show some backbone!
G: But it’s hard!
BD: Your mom’s heart would break!
G: My heart’s not feeling awesome either, thanks for asking.
Uh, Queen? Protection charms that actively harm you when compromised are not actually effective.
BARB: Omg she lost the protection! I have power over her!
(Hold up, story. If Gigi only becomes powerless when Barb points it out, was the charm even real? Is this some Dumbo’s magic feather nonsense?)
BARB: Uh-uh. You ride the nag.
GIGI: But -
B: I’m the princess now!
G: No you’re *not*! Falada, a little help here?
G: Dang it, Falada.
B: But first give me your clothes. And jewels. And life. Jk, I already took the last one.
G: Are you kidding? I’m telling everyone!
B: Fine, I’ll just kill you here.
G: Falada! Stomp her!
G: Fine, I’ll swear, but only because I don't want to ride a JERK HORSE.
GIGI: i’ve been thinking, *i* swore not to tell anyone, but *you* didn’t
G: dammit, falada
MAID: I CAN HEAR YOU I AM LITERALLY RIDING ONE-HALF OF THE PEOPLE IN THIS CONVERSATION
Luckily for Barb, back then clothing took the place of government-issued ID, so when she & Gigi arrived, everyone thought “Oh, the one in the fancy dress is definitely the princess."
BARB: Heyyyyyyy… you! I’m so excited to see you, um, honey!
GIGI: now’s your chance, falada
FALADA: fight your own battles, princess
PR: Did your horse just say something?
BARB: NO! Let’s go meet your dad!
However, Gigi wasn’t *quite* alone, as the Old King was watching her from a window. And in the biggest shocker in this story, it’s not for horrible creepy reasons.
KING: Sure, anyway who’s your friend in the yard? She’s so … what's the word… in possession of a certain inherent goodness & nobility.
BARB: I hired her on the road to help with my bags. Which are unpacked. So she can leave.
K: No, I like her.
KING: Hmm… we’re pretty well-staffed. I suppose she could help Conrad tend the geese.
BARB: Are they the really mean kind of geese? Do they bite?
B: Husband! I need a favor.
P: Anything, my love!
B: You know the horse I rode in on?
B: Cut her head off.
P: ...Please say she’s rabid.
B: Nah, I just hate her.
B: And she tried to throw me?
P: I guess that’s better?
PRINCE: I’ll see it’s done. Oh god i need a bath
BARB: Great! Bonus, we’ll have something to leave in the beds of our enemies!
GIGI: Hey, Knacker? Got a job for you. It’s a little weird.
KNACKER: If I didn't like weird I wouldn’t have gone into animal corpse business.
FALADA: Alas, young queen!
GIGI: Oh, look who’s chatty Why didn’t you talk earlier?
F: One, don’t blame the victim, two, then you wouldn’t LEARN anything.
G: Again with the mom stuff! Anyone care how *I* fee?
F: Maybe you should do something about it, then.
CONRAD: Are you talking to that rotting horse head?
G: She’s not alive, it doesn’t count!
C: … wat
GIGI: No, I’m not giving you my hair, are you KIDDING.
CONRAD: Fine, I’ll just take some.
G: The hell you are, pal.
GIGI: Head’s up, Falada!
FALADA: If your mother knew her heart would break!
GIGI: I think I’m getting the hang of it, actually. “It” being “self-reliance & strength.”
CON: Would you get a move on? The longer we stand still, the higher the chance of getting pooped on.
KING: … leave immediately.
CON: Wait, wait, did I mention the necromancy?
KING: No! Next time lead with that!
CONRAD: Aw man, that’s the one thing I asked not to do!
KING: Then report to HR for sensitivity training. Asking her for HAIR, what is the MATTER with you.
GIGI: Hey, Falada, how’s it hanging.
FALADA: Alas, young queen -
FAL: If your mother knew -
GIGI: - her heart would break, yeah, I know, see you tonight.
G: Goddammit, Conrad.
CON: Who said that?
GIGI: See? Even the plants think you’re a jerk.
KING: Gigi, a word?
GIGI: Yes, sire?
KING: Zombie horse, royal title, airbending. Explain.
GIGI: I really, REALLY wish I could, but I can’t talk to you about any of that.
KING: Why not?
GIGI: You're alive.
GIGI: I can’t.
KING: Tell me.
GIGI: I *can’t*.
KING: Tell me.
GIGI: Listen, it’s my prerogative to tell or not tell my story, especially if doing so could get me hurt! Which it will!
KING: Isn’t it your responsibility to tell people?
KING: I respect that. Which is why I want you to tell the entire story [leads GIGI into a small room] to this stove.
G: It’s not a magic stove, right? Won’t come alive or anything?
G: Just checking.
GIGI: ...okay then.
[KING leaves. Rapid footsteps. Door slams. A muffled ‘clank’ & an “Ouch!” comes from the other side of the wall.]
GIGI: Weird. Anyway, pull up a chair, stove, do I have a story for YOU.
GIGI: … meanwhile I’m working as a goose girl, not that I’m complaining, the work is nice, but it sucks that I’m here through my own passivity. My mom’s heart’d break to see me reduced to this, The helplessness, I mean, again, not the job. Love those geese.
KING: I believe you.
KING: Wow! You look like a completely different person in royal clothing!
GIGI: Is everyone face blind in this kingdom?
K: Steve, come here!
PRINCE: Yes, Fath - WOW who’s that?
GIGI: It’s me! Your true bride!
PRINCE: Oh thank GOD.
BARB: [to KING] This your date, you cradle-robber?
BARB: Did that!
KING: Your servant steals your identity.
KING: And forces you to feel complicit by silencing you.
BARB: Wow, this chick knows her stuff!
PRINCE: [dry heaves]
GIGI: [sotto] Right?
B: Hmmm. I’d have the servant stripped naked in the square, Game of Thrones walk of atonement style.
B: I’m just getting’ warmed up, babe.
PR: oh god
GIGI: Surprise! It’s me!
BARB: Gigi? Impossible! That’s not your dress! And how did they find out? You swore not to tell!
G: I’ll swear again right now. F*ck you.
KING: Barrel time!
GIGI: No. I won’t allow Barb’s execution, let alone in so gruesome a fashion, let’s all take a breath, people.
BARB: I actually love geese, they’re nasty as I am.
KING: What would your mother think about this?
G: I’m thinking for myself now. Hey, Barb, can you believe how well this worked out?
B: Hate you, hate your guts.
G: Ah, like old times.
2nd Moral: BELIEVE VICTIMS OF ABUSE.
3rd moral: Don’t commit identity theft. You’ll get nailed every time.